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John John

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  • Birthday 05/12/1984

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  1. Been a while since I posted on here. Been super busy ever since I moved into this house on doing updates. I gutted the sunroom, both bathrooms, tore up all the carpets, redid the floors, painted, and redid the staircase (it was in bad shape after we tore up the carpets), added central air...it's been a lot. I've enjoyed it for the most part, and I slummed its with roommates for years to save enough money to do this. I saw a lot of potential with this house when I first came to see it, and the yard/pool are amazing. Next year I will be either gutting the kitchen (it's not bad, but needs updating), or doing the basement. Trying to pick which one makes the most sense... The house has been a great distraction from other areas that have been lacking in my life. And maybe quarantine fatigue is starting to set in more. I'm not happy with my current job/company, and have been trying to network/apply for new jobs. I get interviews here and there, but it's hard to find the right fit and balance of more money with quality of life (my firm is letting us stay home 100% until at least after summer, and probably until the end of this year - kind of want to milk that for as long as I can). I got a promotion this year, but barely got a raise. I'm just over this place. In some ways, I'm more confident that I will get a better job than I am in my dating life. I've been single for almost a year now. I barely get matches on Bumble anymore lol. Maybe my profile needs some tweaking. Who knows. I dated someone around the holidays for a bit but she got weird on me after a few dates, and I ultimately walked away because I felt like whatever momentum we had was gone after that (I am quickly turned off by any signs of flakiness). I feel really hopeless about my love life. I try to remind myself of all the mantras you hear "it only takes one" "something that hasn't worked out in years can suddenly change" "You never know who's around the corner," "The only way to stop dating is to keep dating," etc. I am swiping every day because, well, I have no choice, right? But that only goes so far. It's hard seeing everyone else around you be happy and have relationships/families. Maybe it's not in the cards for me. I would be ok with not having children, but it would be nice to spend my life with someone. I also recognize that life's not fair and not everyone finds someone. I have much to be thankful for in life, and many others have it far worse off than I do. But I'm human, and I get lonely, and I don't want to die alone. Sometimes people say I'm too picky, but I'm really not, or at least, not the way I used to be. I was willing to accept quite a lot of crap that came with my ex-girlfriend (mental health issues, not making a lot of money etc.) because I really loved her. But we didn't want the same things in life, which is why we ended. I swipe right on many women that aren't "models" just the way I swipe life on gorgeous women who write nothing in their profiles or pose a certain way in their photos. I have really honed what I'm looking for, but by the same token (as I think I've said on here), I also know that I bring a good amount to the table, and would hopefully feel the same about whoever I end up with (even though it's not a barter system or anything like that). I know I'm rambling. I just needed to get this out because I don't have many people to talk to about this stuff. I just wish things would change and I'm tired of waiting while everyone else gets to be happy (in that particular way).
  2. Haha I didn't think you were rambling Batya! I appreciate your response and just the fact that you said you understood my feelings. Thank you. I will just try to "go with" the feelings right now, and focus on the excitement of my new home and enjoy it. It is indeed very important to me, as I've always wanted a house and have always wanted to be a homeowner. I sacrificed a lot to get here. Lived with roommates (when I really didn't need to) for almost a decade in my late 20s and much of my 30s (after having gotten out of a long-term serious realtionship - the one that got me on eNotalone in the first place!) to save money. I wanted to not only be able to afford a house, but be able to do so on my own and as comfortably as possible (with a large emergency fund and money on top of that for renovations and what not).
  3. Finally moving into my house this week! Closing took forever due to Covid and also due to the fact that the seller's new house wasn't ready yet. So they dragged it out for as long as they could. I refuse to close my pool until mid October hehe I'm determined to enjoy it. I'm sort of embarrassed by this, but I've been in my current neighborhood my whole life. It just sort of worked out that way, as I was always working and/or going to school in the city. My apartment has been rent controlled and having roommates really enabled me to save a ton of money and be in a really good position to afford this house on my own. I'm a bit nervous, but it's a good nervous. My sister just got engaged this weekend. I am thrilled for her, and I really like her fiancé (and I'm hard to impress). I've seen her struggle with dating (dating in NY sucks sooooo bad), and I'm glad she seems to have found her happy ending. I've tried dating during this pandemic, but have sort of been half assing it. I don't think about my recent ex in the sense that I still want to be with her (I knew months before we broke up that it wasn't going to work), but I sort of mourn the idea of even being with anyone now. It just seems so...out of reach/foreign now. Granted, I've only been single for 4 months, but I never allowed myself to really fall in love with my recent ex because I knew her limitations going in (with mental illness and not necessarily wanting the same things in life). She was/is a wonderful person, and I really miss her. If only it weren't for those things I just said, we would have been a match, no question. I'm a bit nervous about dating in the suburbs. My town seems to be relatively young, and my neighbors seem awesome. They are a few years older with young kids, but seem really cool. I hope I can meet women out there. I don't understand why it's so hard to find a woman that is attractive (to me!) and who has her sh*t together and wants the same things I do in life. At the risk of sounded stuck up, I think I'm a solid catch - I have a good career, am a homeowner, I'm good looking/in-shape, I'm genuinely kind and care about/take an interest in people, my mental health is generally in a very good place these days (after years of working on myself)...dont know what else I have to do lol. So tired of the online dating bullsh*t and just in general with dating...sometimes I feel hopeless. I much better about not allowing myself to stay in the headspace for long, and I will wake up totally fine tomorrow. It's just really hard seeing everyone else around seemingly find/keep love so easily. I think I bring a lot to the table and just want someone who offers the same and is on the same wavelength as me. I really feel like I'm looking for unicorn sometimes, but I honest to God don't think I'm looking for anything that I don't already bring to the table myself (not that dating is a barter system, I know it's not).
  4. Not sure if you're saying that I'm "heady"/always in my head...I mean it's partially true, for sure. But I'm much less in my head than I used to be. I really have been trying to live in the here and now and not focus so much on the future or "end goals." I think this diary is just a place for me to vent my innermost thoughts occasionally. Like a sounding board, and also to get ideas from you guys of course. I understand what you guys are saying about chemistry and can't say I disagree. To me, it's certainly intangible, and I know when it's there/not there. I feel like within 2-3 dates (for me, usually 2), I should know if there's any real potential or not.
  5. Thank you guys for all the well wishes and great advice! I had a second date with a very attractive doctor on Friday night, but something was just off. I sent her a very nice text this morning saying that I didn't feel we were a match, and she sent me a really nice text back saying she felt the same. She also complimented me big time (as I did her) lol which was nice. It was a very mature way to just go our separate ways, but we agreed to stay in touch since we were both so cool about it. This may seem like such a basic question and I probably should know it already - but what exactly is "chemistry?" Or I guess, I'm curious to hear how you guys define it. To me, it's sort of a "feeling" that I can't quite describe, but I know when it's there or not there. This girl is VERY attractive (as I'd like to think I am too), but we had zero chemistry. Granted, dating during a global pandemic wearing masks does NOT help (yes, we took them off as we had drinks outside) - everyone has different comfort levels during this Covid crisis. I guess I'm just a tad frustrated because chemistry is soooo hard to find. Like I don't really have a "checklist" like I used to, but they definitely do have to pass the "eye test" as I have to pass theirs too. After that, assuming chemistry is present, as long as you're a kind/warm person with a decent living who wants the same general things I do, you're a contender. I will say it was refreshing to just enjoy some dates with someone, then politely agree to just be friends. Dating in NYC is NOT fun. At all. We need more people like us out there who just value integrity. It's so damn hot here - cannot WAIT to be poolside at my new place soon!
  6. Thank you all for the well wishes! I move in like 3 more weeks...crazy! A bit nervous, but it's a good nervous, and I'm so excited. I've lived in apartments my whole life, and while there's totally nothing wrong with that and I had a great upbringing, I've always dreamed of a house with a ginormous yard and pool. I'm quite proud that I made it happen totally on my own. My father puts a lot of pressure on me with dating. After my mom died and he retired, I guess he doesn't have a huge amount going on, so I sorta get it. And he wants me to be happy. I don't know how or when or why the "change" in me happened...but I literally honestly could not care less about dating or finding someone. Don't me wrong - I went on a date last night and I am on two online apps. The date was fine, but Covid/wearing masks really makes things awkward. Not to mention that everyone has different levels of comfort regarding social distancing/intimacy with Covid. I had a very mild case of it back in March and was confirmed to have the antibodies, so I don't care as much, but I definitely wear masks when in public. For the first time in my life, I'm really just "doing me," as cheesy as that sounds. I'm focusing on moving/pimping out my house, enjoying time with family and friends, and furthering my career. I'm not sure if maybe part of me really has given up on finding love. I don't think that's true because I'm clearly still trying. I just...sorta don't care anymore. I still hope I get a chance to be a father because I think I'd make an awesome dad, especially now that I've got my sh*t together. I've overcome a lot in life, many things I've never shared on here, and I've always wanted to pass that wisdom on to my future kids (if I am to have them). We'll see what happens. I know early on this diary (I re-read it recently, and was cringing almost the whole time.....) I would have been sooooo stressed about the outcome of yesterday's date. Now it's like...I'm just not emotionally tied to the outcome AT ALL. My dad says he finds this change in me "disturbing." I think it's awesome lol
  7. Thank you reinvent! Yes, it's a great time to buy, interest rates are soooo low. Meeting the sellers and winning them over (without trying!) i think is what got me that house. I think people are gonna flock to the suburbs after this lockdown, because who knows how much longer we'll have all these annoying restrictions/social distancing requirements...
  8. Thank you Seraphim. I am a lot happier. I got over the breakup pretty quickly. And I will say, I am not buying this house to "move on" or "take my mind off things," because I had honestly already moved on and really didn't miss a beat from this breakup. I've wanted to own a house my whole life. I think I just decided to stop waiting for someone and just live my life the way I wanna live it, and not stress dating. Actually, dating is very low on the totem pole right now; before the house, I was stressing the job thing much more! Question - is your avatar a cartoon version of Aeris/Aerith from Final Fantasy VII? It sure looks like her!
  9. Well, some good news for once! Everyone always says "it happens when you're not looking for it." While that hasn't happened with my love life (yet!)...it certainly happened in a different way, because I am now the owner of a gorgeous house with ginormous yard and in-ground pool! I know I've mentioned on here that I've wanted a house with a pool. I looked on and off the last few years, always putting it off because I felt it was "weird" to buy a house while single. As you know, I broke up with my gf in late April, so the house thing really wasn't on my mind. My friend sent me a listing on Zillow the day it was posted. I immediately went out there, not expecting to instantly fall in love with the house. But that's exactly what happened. And I kinda think it was fate because, due to Covid, the realtors weren't coming on site, so I actually got to meet the owners. They seemed to take an instant liking to me, and the husband told me the other day "I knew right when I met you that I wanted you to have our house." He basically gave me the number he wanted right then and there, all furniture included. I gave it to him. As we were doing the contracts, someone made a cash offer (!!!) on the house, but the owner refused, as he felt strongly about giving me the house. If not for the current situation due to Covid (I am NOT saying I'm happy about Covid just to clarify, but hey, it created an opportunity for me), I wouldn't have met the owner, and I would've lost the house due to the cash offer. I have wanted to own a house since i was a kid, having grown up always living in an apartment in the city. I think this lockdown lighted even more of a fire under me, although I wasn't actively looking when my friend sent me the listing. I am so excited to have this lifestyle change living in the suburbs (but still near very happening towns with good dating opportunities). The neighbors seem awesome too. I am hoping that I can somehow parley this good fortune into other areas of my life. They say when it rains it pours...who knows what will happen. I will say that even before the house, I wasn't stressing dating either. Had a bad date two weeks ago (was catfished - yup!), but it didn't phase me in the slightest. Just shrugged it off and kept going :) In some ways, my recent breakup was a growing experience for me. And I'm not even sure how to properly articulate that. Now I just need a better job (I make enough to afford this house, but I'm bored and can't stand some of my coworkers) and a nice girl...Onward!
  10. Thanks Batya, although I somewhat disagree with you thinking that I was "getting in my own way." Everyone would always tell me that I kept thinking too much of the end goal and to start living in the moment. Maybe to you that's rationalizing away issues, but I was trying to live in the moment and be understanding because no one is perfect. It wasn't until recently that she was very clear on what she did and didn't want. Earlier on it was a lot more gray, and I was enjoying the relationship at the time, so I decided to give it time. I let things run their course, which I think for me demonstrates growth (because I do tend to very goal oriented, sometimes to my own detriment). But like you said, there has to be a balance. I think things ended at the right time, and the relationship was fun for what it was, so I think that's a measure of "balance." I won't give up :) I think I just need some time. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't dreading dating again. I just don't find it fun. But...I know it's something I have to do if I want a family someday. I will be ready eventually. Thank you Fudgie. Trust me - I HATE the side of myself that is sometimes insecure and compares to others. Hate it. I'm a lot better at quieting that voice in my head than I used to be. But it's hard seeing everyone around me with the families and white picket fences. Makes me feel like a failure sometimes. It's hard for me to not feel that way sometimes, even though I know it's not inherently true and that many people start families later in life. I attempted to reactivate an online dating app (since I'm not heartbroken over this breakup - I knew for a few months that it was inevitable), but I get so much anxiety from looking at profiles as dumb as that sounds lol. Like, not freaking out or anything like that, just get a sense of dread. Because I've had sooooo many disappointing online dating experiences. But at my age, since most of my friends are married with kids and no one really goes out anymore (even before this lockdown), I feel like I'm stuck and have no choice. So I'll just do one app I guess...although super begrudgingly lol.
  11. Thanks reinvent and bluecastle. Always nice to hear from you guys and hope you are both doing well! I’m actually doing pretty ok all things considered. I knew we weren’t right for each other by around the holidays, but I tried to live in the moment and just see how things went. So I give myself credit for not being so “end-game focused” this time around. It’s still hard knowing I have more dating in my future lol and it’s hard not to sometimes compare to my friends who are already married and have kids. Sometimes I think there’s something wrong with me. But these negative thoughts don’t come nearly as often as they used to, as I’ve worked really hard to re-train my brain to not think that way and to not compare. But we all have bad days. When I do decide to go back to dating, it will be in a more relaxed state. These things cannot be forced. You have to try, but you can’t try too hard, that’s what I’ve learned. Ultimately I don’t wanna die alone and I’d like my life to have some meaning. I know meaning can come in so many ways outside of having a family, but I’d love to instill some of the wisdom I’ve acquired over the years into my kid someday and give them a better life than what I had. I think I’d be a good dad. Well see at least :)
  12. My gf and I (almost a year) just broke up yesterday. Due to social distancing we hadn't even seen each other in 3 weeks, and I had been preparing myself for this since around January. We want different things in life. It was mutual. No one did anything wrong and I really don't have any regrets. I still care about her and am open to maybe staying in touch, but some time has to pass first. The idea of dating again makes me sick to my stomach. And with this global lockdown thanks to COVID-19, I suppose it's virtually impossible to date right now. I'm not sure if I'm willing to try online dating again in the future. Maybe. I won't rule anything out. It just sucks. I sorta blame myself because the warning signs were there, although she only definitively told me recently what she does/doesn't want in her life (which we disagree on). But she told me early on about her mental health and financial issues. I guess I had been single for so long I just wanted something to work out. I'm going to try as hard as I can to remain optimistic about love. But man is it hard sometimes... Like this pandemic/lockdown, this too shall pass.
  13. I just associate pools with fun times with family and friends. I love beaches and lakes too, of course, but (at least where I live) beaches are so much effort because you have to pack everything you need (chairs, towels, food and drinks) and get there early, and then have to deal with other people. I'd rather just be able to walk out to my backyard, BBQ and hang by the pool with people of my choosing. And throw my future dog(s) in the pool. I have enough money to make this reality for myself very soon. It's been a lifelong dream of mine.
  14. It’s because I love the water and love entertaining, and too lazy to go anywhere! Of course it’s because of the fun to be had in it!
  15. Hahaha everyone tells me that! And I’m sure I’ll be saying it too someday!
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