Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

I'm really sorry you're not feeling well. Do you typically take any meds for a stomach issue? Ginger tea really helps.

Thanks Batya.

Thank you for the suggestion. I've never tried it. But I do need to un-curl myself and go to the store.

I'll pick some up.

[Batya33]

I like Yogi brand a lot -no caffeine either. Let it steep for 5-7 minutes. I add a little milk and a little sweetener. Great for settling the stomach. Feel better!

[reinventmyself]

Back to work today. Of course I felt better when I woke up. Right?!

Giddy with excitement that my Dr. called my prescription. 4 nights of he**. I honestly didn't think it would be quite that bad.

ZZzzzzzzz

[reinventmyself]

I had a particularly tough time in therapy last night. Funny how my therapist can barely touch on something I talk about or think about all the time. I may have little or no reaction to it, but if he gets anywhere near it, the tears well up. It catches me off guard because it's definitely something I need to address seeing he can get that sort of reaction out of me without even trying.

 

The desire for real intimacy and how I've been so close to achieving it, but with inappropriate men. That makes me so sad. I haven't had that really deep intimate connection with someone. I've been close. It's kind of my goal. I get a taste of it. I did with S. But realizing that he may not have really loved me but otherwise sought me out to fill some unmet need is heartbreaking. When I didn't fit his ideal idea of someone who was selfless and would turn myself over and lose all autonomy, he decided I wasn't giving him what he needed. That's not love.

 

And how I am afraid of the very thing I want, I choose men who in the end have the same outcome. Failure. I honestly go into it with some almost unconscious foresight (that I have been aware of the last couple years) that it isn't going to come to fruition. I am conflicted about wanting it and not wanting it at the same time. It's absolutely frustrating and not to mention it makes me incredibly sad.

 

He did mention, what others here have said. I go in and see the red flags and I have some unmet need to turn it all around and come out the other side with a happy ending. He told me I need to stop picking 'projects' and staying too long hoping they'll change.

 

He said it's not as easy as being aware. Because in so many ways I am aware.

An analogy of going to the super market of men. Armed with all my knowledge and life experiences I know better than to go down the isles 1-5 of men I know to be bad choices. I know better to shop only in isles 6-10. But somehow I unconsciously keep bringing home men from the wrong isles.

 

He said it's not about `doing' things differently. I go about strategically, like a chess game. I have learned to consciously change my moves to be more discerning. This is an improvement. But until I figure out my unconscious reasons why I do what I do, I will likely end up with the same.

 

I am frustrated because I do know a lot of why I am the way I am.

But he reminds me that it doesn't work like that. You don't get to say `I have figured it out. Therefore I am done' It's a never ending process. You just keep digging and turning up more. Especially if you are still experiencing similar disappointments.

It's a clear indication that my work is not done.

 

`I feel like I am swinging in the dark' I asked him `Give me a hint'

Him: "I don't have the answers. I am just here to help you on your journey'

 

It came at a good time. I was backsliding and missing S yesterday.

I didn't tell my therapist this but in perfect timing he volunteered all of S's glaring mistakes.

Embarrassing to hear them all again. Embarrassing that I didn't leave sooner. I literally looked at the floor and cried. He said he seriously doubts S's insecurities had anything to do with his previous relationships but more so that went back way, way further. If women cheated on him and left, then he needs to address what is it about him that women do this in a relationship with him. My therapist said by the time S was done with me if I hadn't cheated, I probably would have wanted to.

 

Sad to hear my therapist also remind me that most of my choices, from my exH and others are pretty screwed up guys in need to therapy.

Good grief. . what does that say about me?

 

I clearly have some work to do on myself

Right now I am waiting for a sign of some sort. I dig deep and come up empty handed.

[reinventmyself]

ahhh. . and in the midst of finding myself -

K asks me to dinner Saturday night.

I looks like I have been bumped up from weeknights and Sundays to the dubious Saturday Date Night.

[reinventmyself]

I'm ready for my date. I prefer to be ready early so I can avoid running around at the last minute and having my date show up when I'm flustered.

 

S had sent me a birthday gift 2 months ago. It was some shoes I guess I admired when we were together. The box has been in my garage for 2 months and I've never opened it and didn't know which shoes they were.

Here's a text I sent my best friend who's been annoyed that I wouldn't open the box.

 

"I decided to open the gift. I figured S would want me to wear the shoes on my date with K tonight. Heck, I might F* him with them on later"

 

Next text "ha ha, just kidding. Nice shoes but they're for work"

 

I have a running joke with her that my dates always want to take me for a walk on the beach. I have curly hair that I spend a copious amount of time straighteng. Night time at the beach is not a great idea. K is taking me to dinner by the beach and wants to 'watch the sunset sitting on the beach"

Of course he does!

 

My friend is howling with laughter

[Ms Darcy]

Thought you might find this discussion interesting.

 

 

It made me think, for every guy I have considered emotionally unavailable is it because they have been obsessed with a past girl/relationship? And worse, have I been emotionally unavailable because I have been obsessed with a past person/relationship (e.g. All that I have been hurt in the past stuff)?

[IAmFCA]

Thought you might find this discussion interesting.

 

 

It made me think, for every guy I have considered emotionally unavailable is it because they have been obsessed with a past girl/relationship? And worse, have I been emotionally unavailable because I have been obsessed with a past person/relationship (e.g. All that I have been hurt in the past stuff)?

 

It doesn't matter, does it? Emotionally unavailable, whether due to an avoidant style or a rebound. One may be more entrenched than the other, but neither one provides a satisfying gf-bf experience.

[IAmFCA]

ahhh. . and in the midst of finding myself -

K asks me to dinner Saturday night.

I looks like I have been bumped up from weeknights and Sundays to the dubious Saturday Date Night.

 

Woo Hoo a reason to celebrate!

 

The beach story cracked me up. I can relate.

[Ms Darcy]

It doesn't matter, does it? Emotionally unavailable, whether due to an avoidant style or a rebound. One may be more entrenched than the other, but neither one provides a satisfying gf-bf experience.

 

I think it matters to the extent catfeeder describes.

[IAmFCA]

I had a particularly tough time in therapy last night. Funny how my therapist can barely touch on something I talk about or think about all the time. I may have little or no reaction to it, but if he gets anywhere near it, the tears well up. It catches me off guard because it's definitely something I need to address seeing he can get that sort of reaction out of me without even trying.

 

The desire for real intimacy and how I've been so close to achieving it, but with inappropriate men. That makes me so sad. I haven't had that really deep intimate connection with someone. I've been close. It's kind of my goal. I get a taste of it. I did with S. But realizing that he may not have really loved me but otherwise sought me out to fill some unmet need is heartbreaking. When I didn't fit his ideal idea of someone who was selfless and would turn myself over and lose all autonomy, he decided I wasn't giving him what he needed. That's not love.

 

And how I am afraid of the very thing I want, I choose men who in the end have the same outcome. Failure. I honestly go into it with some almost unconscious foresight (that I have been aware of the last couple years) that it isn't going to come to fruition. I am conflicted about wanting it and not wanting it at the same time. It's absolutely frustrating and not to mention it makes me incredibly sad.

 

He did mention, what others here have said. I go in and see the red flags and I have some unmet need to turn it all around and come out the other side with a happy ending. He told me I need to stop picking 'projects' and staying too long hoping they'll change.

 

He said it's not as easy as being aware. Because in so many ways I am aware.

An analogy of going to the super market of men. Armed with all my knowledge and life experiences I know better than to go down the isles 1-5 of men I know to be bad choices. I know better to shop only in isles 6-10. But somehow I unconsciously keep bringing home men from the wrong isles.

 

He said it's not about `doing' things differently. I go about strategically, like a chess game. I have learned to consciously change my moves to be more discerning. This is an improvement. But until I figure out my unconscious reasons why I do what I do, I will likely end up with the same.

 

I am frustrated because I do know a lot of why I am the way I am.

But he reminds me that it doesn't work like that. You don't get to say `I have figured it out. Therefore I am done' It's a never ending process. You just keep digging and turning up more. Especially if you are still experiencing similar disappointments.

It's a clear indication that my work is not done.

 

`I feel like I am swinging in the dark' I asked him `Give me a hint'

Him: "I don't have the answers. I am just here to help you on your journey'

 

It came at a good time. I was backsliding and missing S yesterday.

I didn't tell my therapist this but in perfect timing he volunteered all of S's glaring mistakes.

Embarrassing to hear them all again. Embarrassing that I didn't leave sooner. I literally looked at the floor and cried. He said he seriously doubts S's insecurities had anything to do with his previous relationships but more so that went back way, way further. If women cheated on him and left, then he needs to address what is it about him that women do this in a relationship with him. My therapist said by the time S was done with me if I hadn't cheated, I probably would have wanted to.

 

Sad to hear my therapist also remind me that most of my choices, from my exH and others are pretty screwed up guys in need to therapy.

Good grief. . what does that say about me?

 

I clearly have some work to do on myself

Right now I am waiting for a sign of some sort. I dig deep and come up empty handed.

 

I could have written this at an earlier time. Your therapist describes as experience much like mine, keep digging, turning over new dirt.

 

The key pieces for me were hinted at by posters on eNA. I wouldn't have succeeded, were I not in such pain that I was willing to experience even more pain by looking inside myself. I needed to find out why my dating choices were so destructive.

 

i kept digging until I found patterns in my childhood that rewarded me for dismissing myself, and also that began with my dad being dismissive of me (and my mom but differently). Forgiving him, realizing I don't need him to validate me any longer so I can let that go, and forgiving myself for my own traits as well as appreciating myself for others: Those were key experiences for me.

[IAmFCA]

I think it matters to the extent catfeeder describes.

 

Yes - if I understand you, I agree. What matters isn't why someone else is EU. What matters is that we find ourselves in a pattern of attraction to EU men (in this case), and that therefore we likely are EU ourselves, and then, to explore WHY WE are EU.

[reinventmyself]

Nice date, proper great kiss goodnight. I wore a light dress and didn't bring a jacket, so darn the beach was too cold and windy. But not until after my hair was beat up. It made for a good laugh at my expense.

 

Uhg, he's growing on me and I'm just not ready yet Or afraid, don't trust myself or a combination of all three. Luckily things are moving slowly. He's much more talkative than S and there is this easy, playful exchange.. I love the fact that he shares stories to his female friend of 20 yrs who checked on his cat while he was out of town last week. I do not miss S's views that it's not natural for men and women to be friends and all the anxiety that created. K is a good dater where S was really passive about making plans and always wanted me to do it.

 

He asked if I had plans today and I do. They are tentative plans with an old friend. She's a little on the flaky side and we haven't confirmed. There is part of me that's tempted to take up K on his interest for today, whatever that might have been. But I won't. Besides I am just run down and wouldn't mind a lazy movie day.

 

. . oh. . .and he hasn't logged onto his OLD profile in a couple days but having said that I probably just jinxed that.

[reinventmyself]

I had dinner last night with an old friend. We were neighbors while the kids were young and I worked along side of her for some time.

We've known each other for28 years.

 

We haven't had a chance to really catch up in a couple years. Hearing of the ending of her LTR and her subsequent attempt at dating further reinforces my cynicism. It's that same cynical voice I hear that I am always trying to shoo off.

 

She recently dated a man much like M. He had intimacy issues and is 9 mo's sober. He ultimately ran away and I could tell she internalized it all as something being wrong with her. So sad as she told me of her heartbreak, but honestly the signs were there from the beginning. He was just down right odd.

 

I swear I am not looking for people to reinforce my views, but the stories of heartbreak and dysfunction keep showing up at my door step.

 

While with friends on Friday another friend told me of a young acquaintance friend who got married and moved across the country to be close to her family. 2 babies later her husband is threatening to kill her and himself because she had told him she could no longer tolerate his abuse.

[reinventmyself]

September 12th has some weird significance to me.

It's the day my father died, 2006

My husband of 16 years moved out on this day.

It the birthday of one of my greatest unrequited loves. . on and off again for years. Ahhh, Bobby. lol

 

For a few years. . I used to wait for something significant to happen. Not anymore. But I still take notice.

[Sportster2005]

Does the frustration and sadness of being off, make up for the joy when you're on with Bobby? Or do you wish you never met him and stayed off the see-saw?

 

Sorry about your dad

[reinventmyself]

Does the frustration and sadness of being off, make up for the joy when you're on with Bobby? Or do you wish you never met him and stayed off the see-saw?

 

Sorry about your dad

 

Thanks Sporster.

Bobby was in my early 20s. I learned a lot of difficult lessons back then. I also had a lot of fun with him, so no regrets.

We used to keep in touch on and off, but not in several years. I still have fond feelings for him and wish him well. The same in return.

 

Easy to say now, right? I am glad I learned those lessons then and not later in life.

Unfortunately I think a lot of the reasons I married my husband when I did was to break free of Bobby.

NOT a good enough reason. It took me several years to admit that to myself.

 

I have empathy for others who come here proclaiming 'I can't stay away!'. As if they have no control over it. I do remember what that felt like. The old me was like that. But thankfully, not any more.

[reinventmyself]

K just asked me out for tomorrow night and Sunday.

I also can't figure him out and I am resisting the temptation to do so.

 

5 dates and each one he runs away when he drops me off or if we arrive in separate cars, it catches me off guard when he announces that he needs to leave.

But M used to do that in the beginning. Do I scare men? lol

 

I am going to try to beat him to the punch tomorrow

Not sure why. . . just for fun, I suppose.

 

Therapy tonight. I suppose I should mention K.

I did try to look at him under a microscope on our last date,

thinking to myself `I am not going to either miss the signs, or ignore them this time'

 

I will say up front, he may drink a little too much for me.

To me the defining difference is whether you `like to drink' or 'need to drink'

Jury is out on this one. . but I've met enough of those who `need to' so I doubt it will be a mystery much longer.

[reinventmyself]

So, just as I'm leaving therapy and scheduling for next week, I sneak in the 'I think I'm dating' update. I told him that I went into it reluctantly and telling myself, it's not REALLY a date and that I've said no to everytime I've said yes. And because I was trying to convince myself it wasn't a real date or at least ones I'm not ready for I didn't need to be paying attention.

Until. . I caught myself last Saturday thinking 'ok, this is a proper date, therefore I am dating' and I better start paying attention. He laughed at me and said 'Well, I'm glad you caught yourself in time'

A conversation earlier came up and I recalled a moment and prefaced it that I probably was over thinking it. . But. . S was typically passive about things and

choosing a movie was always left up to me. One night 'Sleeping with the Enemy' was on. We had just watched Sleepless in Seattle for the umpteenth time, so this choice of a preseen movie was not out of question.

 

I come across it, it's 10 minutes into it and I'm on the couch with the remote and S is in the kitchen behind me insisting it's almost over.

Me: "No, look. (checking the menu) it started 10 mins ago"

S: "No, it's almost over" he insists.

 

S gathers up the popcorn and walks over takes the remote and changes the channel. No discussion.

 

That moment was completely out of character for this overly accommodating, passive man.

I'm still insisting to my therapist that m-a-b-e-y I'm reading too much into this.

My therapist -> falling out of his chair shaking his head.

"First off its rude. Secondly if you had been watching The Lion King you wouldn't be questioning whether him changing the channel without a discussion and you would know it to be wrong. ESPECIALLY if doing so was out of character for him.

So why are you questioning this now?

[reinventmyself]

K beat me to the punch again and abruptly had to leave. Darn it!

I read somewhere once in the early dating to try to be the one who ends the call or needs to leave first.

I know it's very `men love bi*ches" head game kinda thing. But there is some weight to it. You are never overstaying your welcome.

 

I tend to be pretty good at it but he gets me every time.

When he said it and stood up after paying the bill when he went to the bathroom I did say:

`I will beat you to the punch sometime' He asked what I meant by that and I didn't respond, smiling - but I think he knew.

 

It rattles me a little and could suggest disinterest if I didn't know any better. He's done this every time yet continues to ask me out and will be cooking me dinner on Sunday. I'm thinking it's just how he is but at the same time trying to see if there is anything behind it.

 

On my way home I was thinking I wish I was dating others only so my focus isn't on him primarily.

I am barely up for dating, let alone multi dating.

I don't want to get attached to anyone right now so I am questioning what it is I am doing. Sunday will be date 7 and it's feels a little backwards that I am relieved assuming he is dating others, so there is less expected of me. I was also relieved when he reminded me he'd be out of town for his nieces wedding next weekend.

At the same time I am reliving my current conversations with my therapist about my ambivalence about relationships in general and as much as I want to pin this on not being ready, it's just another version of the same thing in my dating experiences.

 

I am not sure if I should just back off or take it moment by moment and try to figure out if there is a lesson in all of this.

[WithLove]

I don't think you're getting too much out of this at the moment, so for that reason alone I'd say to back out of it. But you know yourself better than we do.

 

I think that stretching seeing someone into the 7th date category means you are, in fact, dating. Do you feel ready for that?

[reinventmyself]

I don't think you're getting too much out of this at the moment, so for that reason alone I'd say to back out of it. But you know yourself better than we do.

 

I think that stretching seeing someone into the 7th date category means you are, in fact, dating. Do you feel ready for that?

 

 

Again with ambivalence: After Saturdays date I was thinking `I can do this!' After last night, I am thinking maybe not.

Silly, I know.

[Ms Darcy]

Always wait until you've healed before diving into another relationship. Now that you've already started dating, it's a little more complicated. Just continue the path of self-awareness and healing, and recognize that a lot of issues that appear to be caused by him are really just due to your own internal struggles.

 

I am remembering the chorus of folks who told WithLove to completely stop dating for a long while. There seemed to be some benefit to that. Of course, dating now is up to you. I just think the above post (male poster) is decent food for thought.

[reinventmyself]

Always wait until you've healed before diving into another relationship. Now that you've already started dating, it's a little more complicated. Just continue the path of self-awareness and healing, and recognize that a lot of issues that appear to be caused by him are really just due to your own internal struggles.

 

Well put and appropriate.

I imagine our date on Sunday with him cooking me dinner will be more intimate. I try to imagine myself asking the right questions I might typically do at the 2 mo/7 date mark and I just can't picture it. I can't imagine being physically intimate with him either.

It's not about him. It's me.

 

I don't know for sure that he's dating others. I can only assume so. The signs point to yes. I don't know his recent relationship history.

I don't know what he's looking for. I really don't want to inquire about any of these things because the information isn't important right now.

It's not like I am ready to act on any of it. At the same time he doesn't seem to be in any hurry to get anywhere either.

This date should be telling. It should push me one way or another.

[reinventmyself]

I typically sleep with a pillow between my knees. Funny how you get stuck with a pattern and can't sleep without it.

Early this morning I must have been turning over and rolling up under the pillow by my legs caused me to startle and wakeup. Not knowing any better I assumed it was S and that warm familiarity of snuggling up to him under the covers.

I'm wide awake and surprised that I crash into sadness.

I thought I was doing so well and this catches me off guard.

Minor setback and trying to shake it off.

I didn't go back to sleep and not feeling rested doesn't help.