Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

Reinvent, maybe my post wasn't clear but what I'm trying to ascertain is what your therapist thought you could've said or done at the beginning when problems first started to arise and what would've been the result of that - that is, would it have ended things after one or two incidents/red flags (you could call it ending before it started?) instead of this far down the road.

He didn't asertain what the result would have been. He just gave me the words I should have used instead.

I'm the only one, besides S that would have known the outcome.

[Larkin]

He didn't asertain what the result would have been. He just gave me the words I should have used instead.

I'm the only one, besides S that would have known the outcome.

 

I believe what notalady is asking is, what, specifically, did your therapist tell you you should have said?

[Realitynut]

Taken out of context we can run with my comment but for clarification the sticking point in this one particular comment was: I was trying to prove to him that I was trustworthy and he was mistaken that I was not. So if could prove to him by my actions with that silly, naive notion 'if I loved him enough' idea and prove something to him then everything would ok.

 

Sorry Reinvent....My mind isn't working clearly! I had read the whole sentence....to make sure I wasn't taking it out of context...but the second half didn't seem to have much bearing on the first! lol Glad you clarified. I've been sitting in the hospital with my mom til 2 or 3 in the morning....and my mind just isn't grasping some of these concepts! lol Forgive....

 

Sucks to be hurting. I sent my on again/off again bf the different 'attachment' styles. I don't think he see's himself as avoidant. I KNOW I'm anxious. No if's and or but's.....

 

And empathy? At least your guy knew what the word MEANT! And I see it as....putting yourself in the other persons shoes. Seeing their point of view. At least acknowledging it.....

[notalady]

I believe what notalady is asking is, what, specifically, did your therapist tell you you should have said?

 

Yes that's what I was asking lol..

[reinventmyself]

Yes that's what I was asking lol..

I can't recall the exact words but it was similar to what I had been saying but in a much firmer way. "I will not allow you to basically accuse me. . . And if it continues I will have to leave" Alot more to that but that's the jest of it and of course, backed up with action.

[reinventmyself]

Sucks to be hurting. I sent my on again/off again bf the different 'attachment' styles. I don't think he see's himself as avoidant. I KNOW I'm anxious. No if's and or but's.....

 

And empathy? At least your guy knew what the word MEANT! And I see it as....putting yourself in the other persons shoes. Seeing their point of view. At least acknowledging it.....

Yes. . he's smart. He knows the text book definition, but knowing what empathy is and having the capacity is two different things.

[WithLove]

Reinvent... I'm sorry I haven't replied. I don't know what to say. I'm really sorry that you're hurting. I don't know how to make it better. Just wanted you to know I'm still reading. ((hugs))

[reinventmyself]

Reinvent... I'm sorry I haven't replied. I don't know what to say. I'm really sorry that you're hurting. I don't know how to make it better. Just wanted you to know I'm still reading. ((hugs))

 

Thanks WL

I figured you were even if you can't think of anything that will talk me out of my tree in the moment. I get it.

Hoping things are well with you too

[faraday]

I can't recall the exact words but it was similar to what I had been saying but in a much firmer way. "I will not allow you to basically accuse me. . . And if it continues I will have to leave" Alot more to that but that's the jest of it and of course, backed up with action.

 

Hope your feeling a bit better today.

 

I think that anytime we can't set boundaries without fear of the other person bailing, it's probably good to let them bail. I hope that's something your therapist said to you...because walking on eggshells like that...well, it's not the sign of a healthy relationship.

[reinventmyself]

Hope your feeling a bit better today.

 

I think that anytime we can't set boundaries without fear of the other person bailing, it's probably good to let them bail. I hope that's something your therapist said to you...because walking on eggshells like that...well, it's not the sign of a healthy relationship.

 

So sad that I know this to be true but I have an ability to find some sort of work around to justify staying.

I am better than I used to be, just not quite there yet apparently.

 

Today is a perfect reminder as to why I stay too long. Breakups cause me great anxiety and today, on a scale of 1 to 10, it is a 9+.

It's a burning reminder as to why it's no surprise I struggle walking away.

I've tried everything to change this aspect of myself, therapy, medications, exercise, support, distraction, wine! you name it. Though I know better, the temptation to return to the relationship is strong. Not because it's healthy. Just making a deal with the devil I suppose. At least the anxiety would go away. But then I'd have to face it all over again. So in that respect, I do know better.

 

Frustrated beyond belief.

[notalady]

Hugs for you reinvent. I don't recall you struggled this much when you broke up with M? Or is it because this time you didn't initiate the break up?

[reinventmyself]

It might explain why I waffled in the end with M, but unlike S I wasn't in love M. I had a little anxiety but without the attachment it was easier.

 

I can safely say I had a very intimate attachment to S and was/am in love with him.

 

It just makes it that much more difficult.

To add, by the time I decided to end it with M we hadn't spent much time together if at all in the final weeks.

S's break is extremely ubrupt.

Him being the one who ended it adds another level of disappointment and self doubt.

I found a support group that meets tonight. Not sure if it's a good fit but I'll try it.

[reinventmyself]

Sadly M is still consistently on the dating website I met him, one year later. Hard to believe an entire year has passed already

[WithLove]

Let us know how the support group goes!

[reinventmyself]

I liked the support group. It was at a church near my home and I found it through Meet Up. 'Relationship Recovery' Nothing life transforming tonight but it helped to get me out of my own head and remember that my troubles are minor in comparison.

It broke the anxiety. At least for tonight. Once I start to spiral I don't always know what will stop it.

This group meets every Thursday.Ill go back.

[WithLove]

I'm glad you have these resources available to help you through it.

[reinventmyself]

Feeling a little more centered today. I typically dread weekends. Too much time alone and even if I do something it's just such an effort I end up back home, alone. I get really down on myself because I typically like my alone time, just not alone time - post break up.

 

My friends are typically planning things for weekends but just my luck when I need a distraction there isn't much on the calendar.

I do have somewhere to go tonight. It's a friends birthday at a local pub. The place should be packed so it should be a nice outlet .

 

I have nothing on my calendar for the weekend and it makes me a-n-x-ious! I am trying to live in the moment and not look ahead. I know it helps, but it's something I have consciously think to do.

 

I feel like such a contradiction. As much as I want to have plans with friends the effort seems too much at times.

I am trying to be patient with myself. I get frustrated because I have been thru this before and I would think I knew better how to navigate these challenging times. It's calm on the other side but I am in such a hurry to get there. There's no hurrying the process, I know. So weird how I view myself as `so alone' when in reality I am not. Im just not `attached' to anyone, so it feels like a free fall.

 

I think I'll take my bike to beach bike path tomorrow and then bring dinner to my mom.

My friends could stir up something tomorrow night. No news as of now. Yes, I know I could call someone. But that's too much effort.

I may go to a Meet Up Womens brunch on Sunday, so I have options.

I remember after a difficult break up years ago, I joined a women social Meet Up. Just about the time you feel the lowest you have to push yourself to do things that are uncomfortable. I can't think of a worse time then to immerse yourself amongst 10 women you have never met and sit across the table from them when you are feeling insecure. It sounds as much fun as having a root canal. But I have made myself go, dreaded it all the way there and grateful I went after all.

 

Much like the support group last night. As I approached the church there were so many people mulling about. As I got closer the pull to turn around was a fight. As it turns out the majority of them were there for an AA meeting. I swear I almost ran back to my car.

But I am grateful I went.

[reinventmyself]

My high school boyfriend was controlling. I am embarrassed to admit that I let him think for me and tell me what to do. I didn't have a mind of my own.

I started dating him at 15 and he never met my parents once. He would drive up and honk and I would leave with him. For 2 years?!

Having been a parent (oh right, I AM a parent) I feel sad for that little girl. What the heck were her parents thinking? I raised boys and even that would never happen in my house.

 

After a couple years and my 2nd new job I started growing up and growing out of him. He ended up stalking me, trying to kill himself, me and one of my coworkers. He ended up institutionalized. I forgot this part of my life until my therapist kindly reminded me. (thx, not!)

The term `stalker' wasn't catchy back then. My parents just railed at me that I wasn't handling it properly.

For that matter the term `abuse' wasn't catchy either. No one once checked to see if I was ok. I wasn't.

I wasn't aware of it at the time but looking back I certainly was not ok. I was 18.

 

That and my ex H, my last love B and now S. Even M with his passive aggressiveness was insecurely trying to control.

What the He** !?

I closed my eyes last night and saw all 3 faces ex H , B and S. All three I have that exact same experience with: When you are your most vulnerable and share with them that their behavior is hurtful and they are so injured by you saying so, they hurt you for speaking up and become the victim.

I don't know any different. It's such a head F*

I don't know if I'll ever date again.

 

I know . .dark huh?

Funny if you met my friends. They would tell you I am probably the most savvy dater amongst them

I don't know what that says about my friends

 

At the support group last night an ending exercise was a commitment to yourself for the week.

Mine was to take a brutally honest inventory of my life and my choices and be patient and kind to myself

[reinventmyself]

deleted . . . . . . . .

[reinventmyself]

Lately, as each weekend approaches the anxiety increases. I realize that I will have too much time alone and it honestly freaks me out.

I feel so needy right now but I hide it from my friends.

 

I saw my friends Friday and it was a fun late night but as life would have it, they have their own lives, family, boyfriends and I don't have a sponsor, so to speak, to lean on. I am a big girl and need to lean on myself, I get this.

I don't know why these times are so hard but from what I hear and see, it's not a cake walk for anyone. I just underestimate how hard they can be. I also get why people are tempted to rebound to fill up that painful void.

 

I ran into someone Friday night that I dated a few times in the past. He was really nice, a little overweight for my taste and I more or less friend zoned him. He lives literally two blocks from me and at the time it was nice to just go by and watch a movie and bbq. But I knew better that he was looking for a partner and didn't think it fair to take up his time and I ultimately reconciled with a bf at the time.

 

It was a little embarrassing because when he approached me I didn't recognize him because he had lost all the weight and honestly looked really good. He doesn't have the most common mans name, that coupled with living close to me, he was able rattle my recall fast enough, but not fast enough to not have that `no, I don't know you' moment.

 

Saturday morning and I am home alone with nothing on my radar and feeling dread and anxiety. .that and a touch of a hangover and I get a text from this guy asking if I would meet him for lunch. Part of me is really not up for it. I don't know if I can pull myself together to be decent enough company and another part of me tells me I better do something rather than sit in the house and work myself up into a panic. I was well on my way.

 

Lunch was nice. I am pretty good at getting others to talk so I can sit and safely listen. I managed to keep my anxiety in check.

I also realized how absolutely far away I am from being in the company of a man. It also made me miss S even more. I kept trying to turn inside to what I was feeling sitting across from this man and all I could come up with was -mistrust. It's not about him but men in general and at the moment I realized it's that I don't trust men interested in me don't have some personality or emotional issue that they are looking to take out on me. There's the ugly truth. I hope I don't always feel this way, but it's all I know. It kinda scares me. He text me later that day and asked if I was busy Sunday and I said I was.

 

Sunday, I rallied again and went to a new women's Meet up group for brunch. It literally feels like swimming against a current to do these things. I dread it and am grateful I did when it was over. The ladies were really nice and it got me out of my head for a few hours.

 

I realize that I have relied on my best friend G too much throughout the years. She's a bit narcissistic and even though I have been there for her countless years and countless dramatic occasions, she doesn't have much in return when I am need. The times I do spend with her, in typical N pattern she turns the convo back to herself. So, so much for support. She has a large social circle and I benefit from it but she's often threatened if I get too close to any of her friends. So in times like this I find I don't have that bff that I need. I really didn't realize it 'til now.

 

I did join a women's social meet up years ago and made alot of acquaintance like friends that I still spend time with once in while. But I never really cemented any of these friendships beyond acquaintances. Seeing I've been either dating and/or a relationship and wrapped up in my man at the time. My goal now is to foster these friendships. I get that I am way to vulnerable without them.

 

I leave in 12 days with 17 women on our annual trip. Last year there was 11 of us. It was so much fun someone thought it would be brilliant idea to invite 6 more? 17 women in one hunting lodge for entire week?! I am a little nervous. It sounds like a recipe for trouble.

But something to look forward to.

 

But even now, it's only Monday and get anxiety wondering how I will fill up the upcoming weekend. Elch, pathetic.

[WithLove]

Sounds like a recipe for some man bashing. Maybe that's what you need right now...?

[reinventmyself]

Sounds like a recipe for some man bashing. Maybe that's what you need right now...?

 

Ha ha. . I've never been a good man basher.

But I'll listen

[reinventmyself]

Feeling a little better today. Trying to not be too optimistic because when I least expect it, it leaves. I guess better isn't a good word, numb maybe. Numb is better than anxious, that's for sure.

 

I can't get this question out of my head. How is it that S seemed sooo in love with me?

I don't recall ever feeling so cherished and adored by a man. (and not as a measure of his insecurities but otherwise)

 

I know he felt he was `more in' than I was. There wasn't any proving him otherwise, though I tried.

How is it he can go from being so attentive (and even overly so at times) to an absolute zero? Poof. Nothing. Silence.

The abruptness rattles me to my core. How is it the two times I reached out with sentiments, he returned the same, sincerely, but yet now silence? It's confusing.

 

I just keep telling myself it's because he is incredibly disciplined, overly so and very pragmatic.

I think the arguments we did have reminded him of the reasons he and his ex split up. He said the argued all the time (by what I have experienced with him, I am not surprised)

 

I hate to admit this and try to redirect my thoughts when it comes up. But I can't help but wonder if he didn't meet someone on the last trip with `ladies'. Part of me wants to say everything fell apart soon after he came back. But the better part of me can see the slow come undone all along.

Does that explain his silence? Is he distracted by someone new? I don't want to know.

What I do know. . when I dig deep enough, new person or not the outcome would be the same.

It's just hard to handle sometimes.

[Silverbirch]

I think that he is probably focusing on his job or something because when he was with you, his head was crazy all the time worrying if you were with somebody else. His insecurities were just too much to handle. Even if he is with someone - which he probably isn't - he would know that he can't do relationships.

[reinventmyself]

I think that he is probably focusing on his job or something because when he was with you, his head was crazy all the time worrying if you were with somebody else. His insecurities were just too much to handle. Even if he is with someone - which he probably isn't - he would know that he can't do relationships.

 

Well. . .I was would advise others here on ENA. . -When there is an unknown, try to not fill it with the worst case scenario.

Fill it will something you (I) can handle.

I know he was really upset and out of sorts in the end. That on top of being super sensitive. I don't see him capable of dating.

At least not now. I could be wrong. .but I can't worry about that. It doesn't change the outcome.