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eNotAlone public & private journals.
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I hope tomorrow is better!
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Thank you. I got back from my after work walk and literally five minutes later it started thundering and absolutely pouring. I was going to walk for ten minutes longer but now I'm glad I didn't. I wasn't even wearing a jacket. Just capri joggers and a short sleeved t-shirt. Still feeling lousy. Still can't figure out why.
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Errr also forgot I was on Dias’s journal 🫨🤣 Sorry @dias 🤗
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Ah Batya that is so sweet!! I am so sorry about your friend! It does horribly run through my mind too. No one lives forever. Part of the sacrifice of having an older friend I supposed but, that negative far outweighs the positives! I don’t know if you subscribe to the idea of… actually, I don’t know why I’m asking you this because I straight up know you would not due to it’s categorising nature 🤣 but some people think we are still in animal, hierarchical pack social tiers - “alpha”, “beta”, “omega” and “sigma” being the majority of them, although there are a few more. I was reading a bit of the theory behind it today and I found myself feeling like I fit into the sigma type which is summarised as the “lone wolf”. My husband is definitely the alpha type. Anyway, I realised just like this type, I have a few very select number of people I let in properly and, they aren’t always who others would expect. I don’t care about age or gender or sexuality and, I don’t care about having similar interests although, that is a bonus. I just want to be able to discuss ideas honestly and openly with that person, that’s pretty much all that matters to me. It sounds simple but is extremely hard to find! These two older women, just like the two women you knew strangely(!) fill a mentor, quiet, gentle hand on shoulder, behind the scenes support role. I adore them very deeply. They both have that matter of fact, straight talking thing my husband has as well, which is another trait I gravitate towards! A few weeks ago I was round my other older friend Sue (72) and I brought her flowers and I brushed it off by saying “Because it’s Valentines n’all Sue!” And she whipped them off me and pretended to slap my wrist and said, “Now I don’t want to see you doing that again!” And added them to her other three bouquets she already had piled up on a sideboard! A lot of people would be offended by actions but, she meant it with such love, as in, don’t stand on ceremony with me, and don’t you go spending your money on me! And she told me she was going to feed me and that food is very important and had all my girls and her grandson crack the eggs together to make me some scrambled eggs on toast! Then she pushed a leaflet for a spa over the table for me with a wink and said, “Mothers need some r’n’r from time to time Lo - see about this to D!” Haha! This convo has reminded me I need to have her and her grandson round this week! It’s very endearing and beautiful you have gone from experiencing the sweetness of that older mentoring friendship to now being in that role yourself! x
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This short visually represents my disgust for modernity. Aka, a total frontal assault on the senses, soul, beating heart and essence!!! You’re scanning along… ahh, the beauty, the intricacy, the artistry, the DETAIL, the EXPRESSION, the magic and encapsulating glamour and wonder and master CRAFTMANSHIP of it all and then?! BAM. A carbuncle. A disgusting plight. A bland, cheap, unforgettable, depressing, stale, character-less, fast food BLIGHT on an otherworldly landscape. Otherwise known as - the modern skyscraper. This visual is how I feel all day, everyday, when faced with pretty much everything from 1960 onwards. I’m internally upset by it. Do people think this looks cool?! TASTE and ARTISTRY and passion and expression LEFT the building with this one folks! DISGUSTING 🪄 x
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Oh wow. Leather bound books- such memories. Two mentors I had including the one I mentioned - have passed -one on the younger side from cancer. I'm glad you still know her!! You reminded me -almost 20 years ago I mentored a college intern and now she is a married mother of 3 - and married the boy she was dating at that time -she told me -so cutely - that I would approve of him (I hadn't asked but she meant like he wasn't some player rowdy teenage boy) -true college sweethearts and yes he seemed and seems great!
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I adored my friend Wendy and still do Batya! I had a wedding of only 30 guests max and she was one of them! She text me a few years ago to say: “I met you when you were so young. Now look at you - a married mother of three!” My Mum and Dad live in the same area so see her often and she still asks about me. We have lost touch over the last few years, I got so wrapped up with the kids and a big house renovation then moving again - I know her and her husband retired, bought a huge fancy motor home and have all their children and grandchildren go “glam ping” with them in the countryside! She had great strength as well! Her husband, when I met her, had recently been given the all clear for prostate cancer and she was so get on and matter of fact about it. It was her who actually forced him to go to the doctors. He worked from home through all the radiation treatments and has been great ever since. She was always a source of practicality; common sense, ultimate style! and humour for me! I also have another female friend who is 72 and I absolutely adore her just the same! I get the feeling they wished I was their daughter in law, and actually, sorry current mother in law (!) but, I wish they were my MILS too 🤣 They are full of warm praise and encouragement! You don’t get that assured confidence from female friends your own age. They’ve done it all, got the t-shirt. I remember all their little imparts of wisdom! Even the ridiculous throw away stuff that would be classed as trivial! Fantastic women! Both little power houses too 🤣 I’m only 5’4’’ but I definitely look down on them! Small but mighty! They’re real class acts. When some people age, they have the equivalent presence and essence akin to walking into an old, historic library. The leather bound books just have that smell! They exude time passed and gravitas for me Batya! I feel like they are all trying to tell me something as well. The crux of it is - realise just how lucky you are and enjoy it. That pretty much seems to be it, and what better advice could you ever ask for anyway?! x
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When I was 23 my boss turned 60. I was her assistant teacher! She'd been teaching kindergarten for over 25 years at that point and was still so into it. Amazing person and teacher. She had the same sort of quiet wisdom and I absorbed all of it like a sponge! I'm glad we both had that opportunity!
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Massive wealth sets you free, in some respects. Just about as free as you maybe can get. I remember a lady I used to work with at the estate agents. She was 60 and I was 22 at the time. When we were sitting in a quiet tiny office together, she would impart to me little thoughts or pieces of wisdom between normal conversation. I was once at the filing cabinet and she turned to me, and said, “Lo - money doesn’t make you happy, but it gives you choice.” She was bang on. Choice to choose the best doctors, choice to travel when you want, do what you want. Greater choice where to shop, what to eat, which schools your kids go to, which house you live in. The whole world opens up. In Elon’s world, I imagine there are great constraints (maybe security constraints and business constraints) but there will be freedoms none of us will ever experience. She also told me, “When you’re young, you can get away with cheaper fabric, and as you age, you do best to pick fewer clothes in higher quality!” LOL I always remember going to all my husbands clients homes, all during the day for the most part. I once asked him, “How come everyone is home? No one ever seems to be at work?!” And he said, “Lo, rich people are always home.” This has proved true 15 years later, and way before the working from home trend started. They could either be at their house in half an hour, or were just there. None of them had to ask their boss for a day off. I think the point was, they were the boss! They weren’t working too much either, or it never seemed that way! x
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I hope you feel better soon!
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I assume he is not in trouble because he is the richest person on the planet. I believe everyone else would be in great trouble saying truths like these publicly.
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Day ten of my cold. Or whatever it is.
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Absolutely it is perspective. I can have a hard kick your azz perspective because that is what I was given and different generational society I was raised in . When I roll my eyes I 99.9% of the time keep it to myself because I know why I have the perspective. So I would say I use compassion 99 % of the time . Sometimes that indignant hurt child bursts out . I hug her and tell her it is okay to be angry. You have a lot to be angry about and she calms down. That poor little mite, that is so sad .😞 I see rough parents as well and it breaks my adult and little girl heart. You are right, I have tried my very utmost to do the very best I can for my own child. My dad could never overcome being abused but I am so glad I did .
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It is all perspective Seraphim for sure. To some people, that scenario would be a good one! Which is insane to think peoples childhoods can be that bad. There are always people worse off. I saw a little girl no older than my two year old baby using a frame walker to get about round a shop yesterday. The Mum was quite abrupt with her and her older brother. She also lifted her by one arm when she didn’t want to leave the toy aisle. I was so glad my kids weren’t with me. I made conversation with her to try and diffuse the mum. Sometimes; I get this huge urge when I see parents and their kids battling over a toy and I presume they are short, just because they act and look rough, might have way more money than everyone in the store who knows! But it’s normally obvious they don’t. I have huge urges to give the parents £500 or something, just so the kid can have the toy or the colouring book and they can have their horrible aggressive mood maybe lifted for one day to not take it out on the kids. Then I realise I can’t do that, and it probably wouldn’t help, and who am I to think I can give some money out and all the problems go away? Probably get my face slapped for being a snobby interfering cow! And I’d soon have nothing left for my own kids if I did that every time I was out! The urge is still there anyway! Childhood is so important. I’m sorry you had a real tough one. I can’t stop thinking about that little girl and if whatever condition she has will be there for the rest of her life and, what caused it? Her Mum looked like she might have been on drugs or definitely an ex user. I know the look when I see it. I came away from that shop completely depressed and feeling so lucky that my kids are healthy and cared for and live where we do, in the house we do, with the things they have, safe and warm, always with plenty of food and anything they need. You have broke the cycle with how well you raised and are raising your son. x
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Snippet from childhood: Home Depot Parent My very first day of highschool, grade 8. My dad signed me up to a school but refused to tell me the name. On my first day of school he says , “ get out and go to school.” I said, “ but how I don’t know the name or which way or anything.” He said, “ I don’t care get out and follow the other kids and get out. “ I said,” but dad, what if they are going to a different school?” He shoved me out the door and locked it. So I had to follow kids onto the city bus that I hoped would be my school. By the grace of God it was. He gave me no pen , no pencil , no paper. I had to beg off of other students and the teacher well well into the semester. He gave me no lunch and no money. So, when I see what some people cry about today my eyes roll back into my head.
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Exactly. I also do the self-monthly exams. My doctors still recommend it although now it's not as recommended in the past.
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Well, she would have to endure a lot more unpleasantness if it turned out she did have breast cancer and it wasn't detected before it became serious.
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The bartender from Barcelona started replying in one word since I told her I won't be able to go to Ibiza. My first instinct when she cancelled the date last minute was correct. She is flaky and she would only have seen me when it would be convenient for her even if I were in Barcelona. First instincts are always right (unfortunately). I deleted her from Whatsapp as I don't like wasting time on nonsense and I know I would start engaging in a conversation again if she pinged me as I fancied her. I get irritated when someone is playing with me. She is on a different wavelength anyway. She wants to work in Ibiza. Working as a bartender in Ibiza is a whole different path. Ain't for me.
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So, the off season ends in a week. T-Minus 7 days and counting, lol. SFM will be an easy way to roll into the season. It's small, and very chill. I've never seen any drama at an SFM show, ever. And that's rare. Just like most workplaces have some form of drama, almost all festivals do, too. I was listening to a Documentary about Woodstock 99 earlier when I was painting. Man... I actually know some vendors who were there. Some of the seasoned elders in the community have seen some sh*t. I've never seen a riot, but if I ever do at least I can say I survived it, lol. I've seen a few fist fights at shows. I've seen a few shouting matches between vendors (most of which involved my ex, lol.) Not D, my vendor ex, M. I'm glad the only show I do with him is CPPD. And out booths are on opposite ends of the grounds. Two of my exes are banned from OM, now. And I had nothing to do with either of them getting banned. As of now I've voluntarily removed myself from OM. I just don't like what it's become over the years. It used to be twice a year, and it was hard to get into. The organizer would look at your work and actually talk to you to see if you're a good fit or not. Now he just lets anyone in and doesn't care. Pampered Chef, LulaRoe, Pure Romance, Mary Kay, etc usually all have multiple booths at OM. And then there are gutter cleaners, home renovations companies, etc set up there now. And at the last one I did, there were people basically selling stuff as if they were at a yard sale. "Oh, my kids are all in their tweens, I don't need all these baby clothes anymore..." etc. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wanted to sell stuff like that. But it seems like a juried art fair isn't the place to do it. A news segment even called it a flea market last summer. OM also used to be at cool locations. There have been OM shows at Castles, etc. Now most of them are in parking lots somewhere in the middle of nowhere. And it went from twice a year to like 15 times a year. Basically from Sprint to Fall there is an OM show about every other weekend, some on multiple weekends in a row. And then there is the Christmas show and the Valentine's day show, too. So there's no novelty. The same people go to all of them, and none of the vendors make any money. The organizer pretty much treats it like a free-for -all when it comes to setting up, too. OM is one of the few shows where people can pick their spot. But then he doesn't honor it. I had my spot picked out at the last one I did. And it was prime real estate. Well, someone just decided to set their stuff down there 10 minutes before I got there, and then it was their spot. And all these dynamics play off each other. He doesn't take care of his vendors, so the vendors don't want to come back. And so then he will take anyone he can get, and that's why there are people basically having yard sales there and pyramid scheme people there. And then attendance drops because he doesn't have any good vendors anymore. And so then the vendors that are there don't make any money. And he doesn't really care that much because he's only in it for the money. I am still the admin of the vendors' group on FB. And so much drama happens in that group... I've considered stepping down from that position, too. Anyway... this really wasn't intended to be a venting session about OM. So, SFM, next week. I am so excited to see how the new magnets do. And I'm also really excited to see some of the vendors there. This is a really cool group of people. This will be my fourth SFM show and everyone there is really unique and interesting. Then I have about a month until OF. And I hope to do at least one, maybe two original paintings in that time. I normally use the off season to paint like crazy and make all kinds of inventory. That didn't happen this year. All I've done is write and make magnets. I also had a lot of commissions this year, and I really needed the money to get through the off season. But I have to make do with what I have. Hopefully no one is disappointed. I've achieved scene royalty status. I can't slack off now. I remember, the last painting of my own that wasn't a commission that I worked on was my Puckwudgie, who is still sitting unfinished in my studio. Maybe my first goal this year should be just to finish him. He's about 75% done. There's a skunk in the background that I feel ind of weird about, though. When BeeGee died, I put her in one of my paintings. And the skunk in the background of the Puckwudgie is Noodles. Noodles dying is what changed everything. And as much as it wasn't his fault, I don't know if I want to immortalize that in a painting. I did an ink drawing of him that took about ten hours. So, he is immortalized in a memorial piece. Ok... time to cut this off because I'm starting to get sad thinking about all this stuff. D and I have been texting all day, too. The thought just crossed my mind to text him and tell him how sad this all still makes me. But nothing would come of it, other than him being sad too.
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I am sorry, I know how much you have struggled and how you still are . We followed the regulations, however over 700 days of regulations it was soul breaking to so many.
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It was a mind screw. I feel so bad for younger generations. My son’s generation was just obliterated. The younger kids their education was obliterated. I could take it. I had some hairy mental health moments but I could take it . It is what it did to my son that just killed me. I am so so so happy to see him coming back into himself .
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The pandemic did a number on my mental health (as it did with millions of others). I didn't have problems from the shutdowns but rather from people who ignored regulations and therefore needlessly exposed others. THAT was what got me all screwed up. I haven't been the same since. I'm glad your son is doing better.
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Life in the Driver’s Seat (extended)
itsallgrand replied to Seraphim 's topic in Journals's Journals
Funny I was just thinking of that today. Ugh your poor son. It was hard enough as a full grown person with years of experience to draw on, but for young people...what a mind screw. That time feels lost and fuzzy and sometimes I have a hard time remembering how long it's been or how long we spent in it.