Overview

Thank you @Batya33 and @DarkCh0c0! She has a cold today so may be coming down with something! I’m perky despite the lack of sleep! Probably adrenaline but I’m a tinker of a night owl 🦉 anyway! I can hear all is quiet at’mill this evening so, I might just dare to run that bath 🤣 Thanks again ladies! x

Could not agree more -thanks so much for sharing the photos and your experience - and you entertained so many that evening too!

Thank you guys(gals)! It was really fun. It was so different from the things I had done before. Everyone really liked the show, especially my mother who loves dancing she was dancing on her seat lol. It was a pretty impressive show for a local dance school. Funny thing, turns out many people there (25+) are mostly introverts and homebodies which is strange given the nature of this whole thing (dancing, fun, working with others etc). They are more difficult to open up but once they get to know you they are pretty cool. I also like it because it's a family business and it attracts the same kind of people. There are no punks. I believe stage performances are very beneficial when it comes to being comfortable with exposure. Very valuable skill on every aspect of life.

Yes it sounds just like...... oh right -Motherhood!!! 😉 I hope the baby is feeling much better and you too!!

Very cute indeed 🩷 I hope your daughter is feeling better today.

Awww so sweet!

Just thinking about our little Nee Nee’s room (that’s what her brother and sister call her, pet name) 🥲 and, my son is taking after his father in the “giving flowers unexpectedly to girls” department. A couple of weeks ago, I was glancing around and came across this plastic mini ensemble, put together in a stolen egg cup from the cabinet downstairs. My son had created a little plastic bouquet for her and left it in her room without saying anything 🥲 🌸 🌹 x

Morning Dark! I suppose I say nursery and it’s just an old fashioned word of saying “the babies room!” 👼 She has the smallest room and bedroom, and is still in a white wooden crib - the same crib all the babies have been in, as started a tradition! I know you sometimes mention the art we have about from antique fairs and auctions and her room is no different! It actually looks quite faded here but the reds in this oil painting are vibrant! I’ve got lost looking at that little scarlet roofed house at the forefront rocking and nursing her when she was just so diddy and newborn! It’s not always like that but now and then, even when they’re all sleeping through, you get that. Sometimes you’re in the mood and breeze through it. Other times, not 😆 I have a couple of wicker and cloud shaped shelves on her wall and at the end there, clinging on, is my childhood doll, originally named “Dolly”. I am break moulds, I know 🤣 You can’t see it here but I dropped her in a petrol station when I was about 4. My Mum was filling up her very 80s lookin, metallic gold Toyota saloon and it never came off! I remember there was a little row of shops near my childhood home. I don’t know why but, one day me and my sister were with my Mum at the chemist there and I just went obsessed for this cheap little blue and white dolly. My parents never bought us anything just because. It was mostly special treats or Birthdays. But I cherished her and sang to her and now she’s sitting there up on my little Nee’s shelf! Full circle! Maybe she’ll be in a crib with her daughter, or her daughters daughter? x

Do you have a nursery room in the house? That's some looong night. Absolutely. Well deserved!

Thank you lovely Choco! You’ll maybe laugh to hear, I was feeling smug once the girls were brought home, early tea and bath and all peacefully, text book 1950s like into bed with books and asleep by 6:45! I’m soaking in the tub with a face pack on and I hear what I thought was coughing outside (I had the windows open). Soon enough realise it’s coming from the nursery. My baby girl is sat up, pale and shaking, being sick onto all her blankets! Ohhh baby! Clean up, medicine, water, and then I sat in the rocking chair while she tossed and turned for an hour and a half, before she finally went back to sleep. It was near midnight by then and I’d been looking at her star projections forever! Then about 3am ish, my six year old son appears like a shadowy figure at the side of my bed. “Mam, I’ve had a big wet through.” He’d wet the bed bless him. Nothing had avoided the hit. Not even his big, high pillow! Everything went in the washing machine while he had a shower in the near dark. I made up the bed again, sip of juice then it was back to sleep. They all giddily were blazing up and down and around the house at 5am - hahahahahaha! This is why I have a cafetières waiting for me on top of the island every morning Dark ☕️ LOL! Hope you had a nice evening 🌝 x

Stunning. Beautiful day.

I’ve had just, the sweetest day. D has been away working for what seems like at least a month. It’s been just under a week, but the school break hit the exact time Dad was shooting off and I revelled in it. Slow, lazy mornings laying in with the kids running around. Sitting with a coffee in the garden. Making my way towards the shower at eight instead of six. Bliss! D came back high from the deal, amped up and full of glory and the spoils of war. We spent one night, one morning. He told me he had to be off out for one day and night then he would be home for two weeks at the least. He asked if I wanted him to take them out for a day trip till about 3pm. The girls jumped up and down gleefully but my son, who is riding the tail end of chicken pox, wasn’t excited. He wanted home with me. D took the girls, they left out our duck egg blue door in a flurry of a packed bag, packed lunch and sun hats and comfort blankets. I said to D, “I know you mean business because of the bum bag.” And he pulled the strap together round his waist making a CLICK. Hahahahahahaha!! The clouds were mostly over cast. The sun would glade through in passing to sprinkle light and then dim back down as soon as it came, casting drifting shadows across the floor. We sketched together at the big table. I threw the double doors open to the yard and let warm air float in. We talked. We cooked. We ate. We cuddled and watched a film. We drank fizzy cans of lemonade. Ate ice-cream on the couch. I smelt in his blonde curls, still holding the clean and slightly medicinal scent of the rosemary shampoo I had swirled around his scalp in the shower this morning. I missed the girls. I demanded, deep inside, to stall time. To hold this moment forever. It carried on. I played soul music on the sound system the whole time. He started firing questions at me. He wanted to find out the smallest fruits. We went through the 10 Smallest Fruits list. Then we got into orders of magnitude, because he asked me what was smaller than a millimetre. “What’s your favourite fruit, Mam?” He was holding a blue felt tip pen casually, letting it flick onto the table, back and forth. “Ohhhh that’s easy - lychees.” ”What are they?!” ”Ohhh I had them at a Chinese restaurant once with Dad, I never looked back.” ”Mam, you’re funny. Look them up! No wait, draw them! Draw one with a Face! What’s your favourite vegetable?” I paused. Thoughts of my Grandads vast, homely garden drifting up, and my Grandma’s… ”…rhubarb.” ”What’s your favourite meal?” I laughed. Another date association. I put on a fake, Italian accent, and puffed up my chest! “Ravioli Formaggio!” I had my own list to ask him. He’s becoming a real, proper boy, right in front of my eyes. How did it happen? Yesterday I nursed him and felt his tiny warmth. Now he pelts round the house like George in the jungle with strength I always knew lurked there but never fathomed. I’m proud of my boy. And he’s my best friend. He never stops asking questions. And my girlie says, in her breathy sing song, “Your ma bestie!” The delectable bambino confidently concurs; “YEAH!” x

Always lovely to hear that Batya! You’re a respectable lady!!!! I am not surprised at all. x

I think it's really cool that tattoos are so accepted in the workplace now. twenty years ago a sleeve was a job stopper and hand tattoos were especially bad because you can't cover them like you can a sleeve. My left arm is completely sleeved. My right arm will be soon. It's getting there. My chest piece is my next priority though. Neck tattoos were another huge nono up until recently. And I have one. It's just hidden by my hair most of the time. But back in the 90s/early 2000s, someone like me would have been unemployable to most people. When I was little my cousin was heavily tattooed (She still is, not like she died or had them removed.) But she was not invited to family gatherings and even not allowed to go on a few family vacations because of her tattoos. To me that's just wild. Like, you would refuse to be around your blood relative because she has a lot of tattoos? Really? Especially considering this is my dads side of the family who are mostly raging alcoholics, and my cousin isn't. Like, you guys all sit around getting drunk every day and act like complete a-holes to each other, and that' totally fine. But Holly is the bad one because she's got tattoos? My sister and I are both all tatted up. My Mom has a few. Neither of my brothers do, though. My chest piece is going to be amazing. It had to be put off though since I didn't get a tax refund when everyone else got there's. So hopefully around October when I get my refund. And I really want a trash polka sunflower on my right hand. Those are the two I'm itching to get right now. Trash polka is a specific style of tattooing. It's hard to describe without seeing it. But it's mostly black and red, with very high contrast. I'm literally working at a tattoo convention starting tomorrow for the next three days. So of course mentioning tattoos was going to get me going. I really should be sleeping. I need to be up in about 4 hours to go set up. So, that's what I'm going to try to do.

In my line of work and in my career looks help to an extent and in certain aspects of the work but it's not going to get you far at all if you cannot do the job well including a can do attitude, teamwork when needed, all of that. I worked with a very handsome guy who made a pass at me then threatened to hit his female boss. Fired that day (or agreed to resign but he was --- gone.). When I was pregnant I looked really cute and I waddled. I did get more attention for that from certain coworkers but no I didn't get a pass as far as my work quality. I took one day off for illness from the pregnancy and got an assignment a few hours later to work on from home. I had to ask for what I needed - I was too tired to work late at night, had to stop my air flights at a certain point - looking cute and people being excited about my soon being a mom helped in sort of an even more positive environment -but nothing to do with professional accolades or criticisms. I think it depends on type of job/industry even geography. My sister was very very pretty as a child/teen and used to get free stuff at festivals -meaning food/french fries- I was awkward looking and didn't. I don't find tattoos or extra piercings attractive. That's just me. Doesn't change how I interact with the person in a business or social setting. I don't do hiring/firing and I'm sure in certain jobs/industries tattoos might be a negative. In others they are positive from what I have seen indirectly. Other people don't find my glasses attractive I'm sure and I cannot wear contact lenses anymore. Oh well.

I don't care what my doctors look like, either. When I walk in somewhere I don't just assume the most attractive worker knows the most, or the man must be in charge. At festivals I don't assume the man or the hottest chick is the artist. I know you're not accusing me of that. I'm just saying, because I know how it feels, I don't make assumptions about anyone's position/intelligence/talent, etc based on gender or looks. I have naturally curly hair too. And when I was a kid my Mom would take me to my grandma or my aunt (both hair stylists) and have them chop it all off whenever it started getting long enough to look nice. I had short boyish hair for most of my childhood and early teen years. It was almost like my parents wanted me to be as ugly as possible as a kid. I get compliments on my hair all the time, even now. Being hot is how Z gets away with most of the stuff she pulls, I"m convinced. She can't keep a job to save her life because of the drinking and the drama. But all she has to do is walk in anywhere and fill out an app and she's hired. She can treat her partners like crap and it doesn't matter because someone else is always right there wanted to date her. I've had people ask me why I got tattooed like I am. And part of it is because I just like tattoos. But also it was to have some level of control over how I look. I can't change that my eyes are messed up. I can't change the contour of my face (I mean yeah, plastic surgery, but I can't afford that and don't want to do it.) So it was a matter of being ugly but covering myself with beautiful art. Anyway, I have a chapter to revise.

I am so glad -what you wrote lifted my spirits on a day when I'm a bit out of sorts about work. I know what you mean about powering through. Not wanting to stop, to rest. To reflect even. I know you exercise regularly like me -one thing I did since I exercise more to maintain fitness than make huge improvements is I push myself always - always -but I stopped increasing my speed a while back - I realized I'd reached my limit and my speed is really really good. It was hard to have that boundary -i.e. the powering through mentality. The self-competitive mentality. Again I'm glad I could give good input. It makes me feel good to be able to do that -what you write is insightful and wise and to know I added -is a good feeling.

I think that taller people -men in particular -do better in the corporate world than shorter men and for sure looking pretty is a plus in many corporate environments. Life isn't fair. It's not fair of course. I did my hair a very different way when I was in the corporate world so I'd look prettier/more professional/less cutesie with my natural curls. I carried myself a certain way too as far as posture. Wore heels for many years because I'm short. And short is often a negative in leadership roles especially. I also saw very attractive people be treated better because of their looks. I personally do not care at all. I never care what my doctors look like or my hair salon guy etc. I care about their demeanor, tone, attitude for sure especially if it's a personal interaction.

I know I've written a lot about the differences between attractive people and ugly people in here, etc. I'm sure it's something people get tired of hearing about in this thread. But it's something I notice every day and don't talk about IRL. I don't understand how people think pretty privilege isn't a thing. I see it all the time at my job. I work somewhere that exists because of vanity. Sure, people come there to work out and the place markets itself as a health club. But most people who work out regularly aren't health motivated. They are vanity motivated. And I would say a good 50% of our clientele doesn't even come there to work out. They come there to tan. But, I work with hot people. My former co worker, S, is a cam girl, a former stripper and she's also an escort. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with any of those professions. I'm only saying that because think of the kind of person who does those jobs and what they must look like. I mean, of course she is really hot. She started off the street making more than I make, and she started there 3 months after me. For a time, there were three of us on overnights. Me, S and a guy named Chad (I know... Chad, right? lol.) Well, S and Chad had a thing going for a while. And when all three of us worked together, we would annihilate our cleaning list in like 90 minutes. Then S and Chad would just leave. They would go get food, go back to one of their apartments, do the nasty, sleep for a few hours, and then come back to work at around 5:30 AM. The whole time they were gone they were on the clock, too. I never said anything because I don't rat on people. But management found out eventually, and did nothing. Now neither of them work there anymore. S quit, Chad was fired because when they broke up he would come to work and rage all over the place, cuss at her, etc. So now there are two of us on nights, me and a girl I'll call H. H is also hot. But she is hot in a more approachable way. Like, S and I worked together for 2 years. And guys rarely hit on her. But she looks like a porn star. She is the kind of hot that guys like to look at but will rarely approach, if that makes sense. And she also was not friendly to customers, which probably had a lot to do with it. The few times I saw customers try to flirt with her she would roll her eyes and basically tell them passive aggressively what a loser they are. H is hot in that girl next door kind of way that guys feel safe approaching, and she's really friendly. So she gets hit on constantly at work. And I like H. I like S too. I don't have a problem with either of these girls. But H and I split the cleaning list in half. Every night she comes in and does her half of the list. It takes her about 2 hours. And then as soon as she's done, she takes her laptop into the back room and sits and watches movies for the rest of her shift, leaving me to do all the laundry, take care of all the customers, clean and sanitize the tanning beds after each use, etc. She does this because it makes her uncomfortable being hit on so much. She talked to management about it, and they are ok with it. Ok, so she comes in, works for 2 hours, and then sits in the quiet breakroom unbothered on her laptop for 6 hours. And this is because she can't handle being hit on. I understand that must be annoying for her. But come on... It isn't fair that I basically just have to do everything because she can't handle guys flirting with her. Because I still have my half of the cleaning list to do, plus all the customer service stuff. From 10-12 we are usually pretty busy. So for the first two hours, she cleans while I man the front desk and clean tanning beds. Then around midnight I do my cleaning while she's in the breakroom. Then around 5AM we get busy again, and I'm back behind the desk doing all the customer service stuff. It doesn't take me 5 hours to clean. I'm usually done with my part of the list in 2 hours too. But I have to stay where customers can see me. So even when I'm not cleaning, I'm still at the desk. It is interesting though... Whenever I've worked with a guy on overnight, if someone comes in and needs a manager, they would always assume the guy is the manager. There's not an overnight manager. But people would walk in and be like, "Where's *guy's name* I have a question about my membership." Etc. Or after months of being by myself at night, they hired a guy to help me and I had customers saying things like, "Oh they must be cracking down on you. The boss is here." Uh... he's not the boss. He just started. Or I would get people thinking he's the actual gym employee and I'm just the cleaning lady. Now that H and I work overnight, everyone assumes I'm the manager/one in charge. So apparently I must look like I know more of what I'm doing, at least. But yea, H gets to spend most of her shift relaxing in the breakroom because she's pretty, is what it boils down to. Growing up, my sister got certain privileges that I didn't get because she was pretty. And my Mom outright stated this. My Mom would talk about how my sister gets to do these things because she's so pretty and she's only going to be a teenager once, etc. Ok, well I'm also only going to be a teenager once. I didn't really have the typical teen experience that most people have because my parents kept such a tight leash on me. I've thought recently about my author photos. Some authors use fake pictures because people are less likely to buy your book if you're ugly. And that isn't me just saying that. There are agents who will tell their unattractive clients to use fake pics. I have the advantage of looking a lot better in pics than in real life, though. My eyes don't look as messed up in pics as they do IRL. It's sad too that this only applies to female authors. Male authors don't have to be attractive to sell books. I notice this with artists, too. Male artists don't have to look good. Female artists do, though. And people think only pretty people can make pretty things, too. After ten years in the festival scene, I've seen this first hand. People lavish praise and compliments all over the most attractive person working the booth because well, they must be the artist. Sometimes not even if they are working. Z was sitting in the back of my booth with her head down playing games on her phone at one show, and multiple people went up to her to tell how her talented she is. I don't lose my cool with customers very often. It's happened a few times. But some customers are jerks. One was some drunk guy cussing me and my worker out because my prices are too high. Another time was when some 55 year old creep wouldn't stop hitting on my employee who was less than half his age, and after security told him to leave, etc, he snuck back in and came up to her. I just lost my crap and screamed at this dude. I basically told him, "You've been told multiple times now and we've been nice. Since you can't listen to reason, get the F out of my tent!" But one time I lost my cool with a customer right after Z and I broke up. L was helping me at a show and after like the 6th time someone came into the booth and told her how talented she is, some guy was praising her art, and she told him I'm actually the artist, and he acted all surprised. I kinda snapped at him. I said something like, "Yeah I know it's so shocking that ugly people can be talented to isn't it?" Idk... if my ugliness could be fixed easily I would fix it. It sucks that I don't really have a choice in the matter and am automatically considered less capable, etc. But also have to work harder at my job because I'm not as pretty as my coworkers.

I definitely think I do often make the goal a bit unrealistic as to where I'm at. Like I expect to be able to power through it even if realistically giving it more time and practice would probably be better. Then I feel badly about it. Nice, you helped me identify a part of my approach I could improve already. I'm glad I shared this if even for that! And it feels good writing what's on my mind too.

Oh it hasn't worked out perfectly instead it's a work in progress lol. Yes -when the kids are 7/17/27 😉 I mostly was treated with respect and like a lady by the men I dated and was involved with. I feel fortunate for that!

Love this insight. I do the same and need to change the same. I also see it as self sabotaging -thinking of a friend of mine - being hypercritical of yourself but instead of taking action. So it's like a double failure -you've failed yourself with too harsh criticism and another failure at your stated goals. My friend - my age range - wants to start exercising and also wants to work outside the home. She regularly states the last few years when she's going to "start" at each of these goals typically related to her kids' schedules. It's all talk every single time. But she also regularly criticizes herself for not having a job and/or not being in shape/health issues. So to me the failure is - know thyself and give yourself a break. Before you put pressure on yourself to attain a certain goal evaluate the goal and whether it's realistic -or maybe a watered down version is more realistic. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for failure - because you'll make those deadlines of when you are going to start and realize when they approach -well - no - I still can't because ____. It's about self-honesty "I'm not a failure - I simply have unrealistic expectations right now, I lack the motivation/the mojo or even the logistics to make this happen right now and that doesn't make me a failure it makes me honest." But then there is the persistence piece for sure. I guess what I mean is yes even with persistence there are failures along the way -you look for that job, you interview -you don't get it - you practice for an interview and give a less than stellar answer to something you "should have" known. But the problem is - what about the feeling of failure when you realize you don't have the level of motivation. I'm a go getter -so I -find it somehow, somewhere if it's something I really want. And I stay honest about the reasons why I can't without great difficulty do whatever it is. If it's a lame excuse -that's sort of a failure but maybe then it's a question of examining what do you need to increase the motivation? Bribing yourself? Or is it because the goal itself is unrealistic. I think that's very hard. But seems worthwhile to explore.

Something I've been thinking a lot about lately and working on is taking it more easy on myself. I've noticed that if I don't nail something within one or two tries, I'm embarrassed by that and feel badly about myself. And the self talk gets harsher. I don't expect this of other people and I think no less of them. I only apply it to me. It makes little logical sense as there are so many things to learn or achieve that take persistence and some "failure" along the way to becoming adept at. Life is a series of attempts with failure and success as a natural rhythm! And I have noticed a lot of successful people become good at putting "fails" into perceptive that doesn't weigh them down. So it's something I see as worthwhile, learning to stop being harsh to myself for something that is just a part of life. Every day lately, I've been carving out a bit of time to reflect on what I am carrying around on my shoulders that isn't serving any helpful purpose. It's amazing how much of this can go on unconsciously under the radar. Just bringing it into focus is liberating in itself. Like hey, there's judgement about where you are at with this. And hey, there's fear of disappointing someone and dealing with that. I've always struggled with being ok with disappointing someone I love. And it's not like I've been judged harshly or had a lot of critical eyes on me at all. My upbringing was warm and very forgiving. Perhaps it's because I've had little critism, that I fear it so much? I don't know.

I think when all my kids are 7 I will sleep for a week Batya and then… decide what to do next 🤣🤣🤣 Life doesn’t work out perfectly for anyone but it’s worked out just right for you in the end! We all make mistakes or I should say, have things turn out the way we didn’t envision. We can be very hard on ourselves sometimes I think. All the relationship threads at the moment have got me thinking about my approach and how staunch and all or nothing and ultra serious it was. I never even thought about how other people were approaching finding love, but now I look back; it was extremely different to the way I went about it! I will say the bonus for me (there will be cons too of course dear Batya!) is that, shacking up young with my first love, first boyfriend, first kiss - first everything - has maybe meant, without me knowing it; I have retained the intensity of teenage emotion for my husband. I’ve grown up with him. He is a father figure type of leader, a rock - and then a lover, and a best friend, and then my soul mate all in one. If I had been established, round the block so to speak, worldly wise - would I have gone about things or had the marriage I have now? That retains so much passion and playfulness? It’s like, I will forever be 18. When he looks at me. I’m 18 🥹 And he’s 28. Wearing a navy T-shirt and grinning at me with his front tooth chipped off! x