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NorthDallas40 last won the day on January 16 2014

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About NorthDallas40

  • Birthday 04/10/1970

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  1. SHANDA came over on Friday night and left today (Sunday 5pm) and we had a good time. I cooked a lot, we did a short hike, talked a lot, and watched some movies I recommended (and she liked). Plus, sex got incrementally better this time (I orgasmed twice, though no oral sex), so I didn't feel the need to have "a talk" about it. She's still not fully on the same page with me sexually, but we're getting there, and right now it's at a point that I'm ok with. I can look forward to having sex with her now. Overall, she seems to be more comfortable with me and is suggesting snacks and coffee for me to have on hand when she comes over, so I can assume we'll still be seeing each other every weekend moving forward. Plus I got a decent goodbye kiss this time
  2. After texting a bit earlier, SHANDA called and we had a fun 30-40 minute convo. She's coming over this Fri or Sat, I'll make Thai food, and I'll bring up the intimacy issues diplomatically. Maybe frame it as "we seem to have different love languages right now and I'd really like it if we can understand better what each other wants" or somesuch soft-pedaling.
  3. Poor bedroom skills can be improved if one has the right teacher and is willing to learn. SHANDA has the former within reach, while the latter is unknown. As for the hosting/meal/massage tally, it didn't make a difference to me until I felt like I was being given a cold shoulder for my deficits by someone who, in terms of relationship favors, had incurred more deficits than I. So while I'm annoyed and frustrated by SHANDA at the moment, it doesn't have to be a permanent state. This journal has demonstrated that I'm willing to give 2nd and 3rd chances to people who offer more than crumbs, even if that just means "slightly less than scraps." In any case, she just texted me a picture of some chickens, along with their names and the fact that she hasn't met them yet. I'm not sure who they are (assuming they're her friends'), but I texted back with that query. So for now, it looks like the lack of a kiss was a minor blip I needn't worry about... or she accidentally texted me a photo meant for someone else. Guess I'll find out sooner or later.
  4. I listed the basic things I did for her that she did not do for me, but that most considerate adults would have reciprocated without hesitation. So I'm not "assuming" anything, just reporting what is true. When I typed "whatever SHANDA's motivations regarding sex" above, that covered everything you just mentioned. When a 40+ woman thinks it's acceptable to receive oral sex and orgasms without returning the favor, that's the definition of "lousy in bed." Period. End of discussion. As anyone who is *not* lousy in bed can tell you. Rather than make a snarky comment, I'm going to assume you missed the part where I literally wrote: "I didn't say anything about it this week; I wanted to give her time to get used to me, and not 'ruin the moment.' But this status quo is unacceptable for me in a monogamous relationship, so when/if we see each other again I will definitely bring it up diplomatically."
  5. Whatever SHANDA's motivations regarding sex, the fact is this: If you gladly receive repeated orgasms and oral sex while repeatedly withholding those same things from your partner, you're lousy in bed. Period, end of discussion. I'd also like to add that in addition to SHANDA running a deficit in the orgasm/oral sex columns, I'm also leading her in terms of hosting at my house, cooking and paying for her meals, and giving her frequent massages when we're sitting/laying together. In fact, the more I think about what I may have done wrong (in her eyes) to deserve not getting a goodbye kiss yesterday, the more reasons I find why she should be making things up to *me*. In any case, it's been almost a full day and not a peep from SHANDA, nor have I contacted her.
  6. Since my last entry, SHANDA came over on Dec 26th and the next morning, then again for NYE/New Year's Day/this morning. For the first time, I made homemade vegan pizza (we both loved it) and - at her requsest - vegan cupcakes (I thought they were great, she thought they were okay), and I even pulled together a decent Asian-oriented meal last night that she liked too. She just left now. A few observations: - Though she's less of a talker than I am, she'll open up on the right topics, and our views/sense of humor seem compatible. Conversation isn't a problem, especially lying in bed for hours in the morning just cuddling and chatting, and going on a 2-hour hike like we did on NYE or sitting a bench and walking around the lake for 2 hours like we did yesterday. Overall she seems to enjoy my company, and I hers. - Though we've had several TV/movie watching sessions this week, she took none of my suggestions and we only watched her choices. Luckily they were generally good, but I noticed the pattern. - I'll be blunt here. After having sex several times with SHANDA, I can say with certainty that she's terrible in bed. She enjoys receiving oral sex, but never gave it. And she would only engage in actual intercourse for 3-5 minutes max, which meant she had several orgasms over the past couple of weeks, but I had none. So last night and this morning, I didn't initiate sex at all. Partially to see what she would do (Spoiler Alert: nothing), and partially because I wasn't eager to have mediocre sex again. She always enjoys cuddling and holding hands with me, but there's clearly a block for her where sex is concerned. However, I didn't say anything about it this week; I wanted to give her time to get used to me, and not "ruin the moment." But this status quo is unacceptable for me in a monogamous relationship, so when/if we see each other again I will definitely bring it up diplomatically. Which brings me to our parting just now. I walked her to her car, but when I went in for a kiss, I got a cheek. Twice. I pleasantly asked if she was mad at me, she smiled that she was okay. So I have no idea why she denied a kiss, but it's not a good sign. So after today, I may just let her make the first contact. Again.
  7. Shortly after that last entry, SHANDA asked if I wanted her to come over tonight or tomorrow. I voted tomorrow, so we can have a short break. One tidbit that could be relevant later: since SHANDA has never smoked weed, last night I asked if it was ok I could partake during the movie. She said "Please don't" and that was fine with me. My guess is that's a permanent "please don't," but I'm not going to worry about that yet.
  8. SHANDA arrived early last night, we took a walk around my neighborhood with no balking about the hilly terrain. Ten minutes in, she took my arm and held my hand. I gave her a kiss on a scenic overlook and she clearly liked it. Back home, I gave her flowers and she surprisingly gave me a perfect gift I didn't expect: a vegan cookbook that featured classic soul/jazz/hiphop song pairings. She kinda nailed it with that one. For dinner viewing, I gave her the choice between two classic Xmas movies but offhandedly mentioned an offbeat hard-science-fiction 70s flick in passing. She immediately chose the latter and loved it. After the movie I gave her a kiss but she clearly wanted to go further than that... so after some messing around, we did 🙂 She spent the night, we "went further" again, and stayed in bed cuddling (she's a world-class cuddler) until she went to see her parents around noon. Not sure when I'll see her again because she has to look at her work schedule, but I have no doubt it's going to happen soon. Finally - instead of being alone, I had a romantic Xmas!
  9. I called SHANDA tonight just to check in, she picked up after 2 rings and we had pleasant 40-minute chat. Of course among other things like movies, friends, Jupiter & Saturn, family, her roommate and the menu for Xmas Eve, we discussed the topic above, and really she was just having one of those busy weeks that finally takes its toll on other things like relationships. Overall she was cheerful and fun and thanked me for understanding, and took herself more to task than me... which is a complete 180 from my ex-wife, so I'll take it She also said she'd not been exercising due to her workload and thought that might be a partial culprit, so she did outdoor yoga yesterday when it was sunny. She said she think that helped, and is going to try to do it more regularly. I think I may have inspired her on this point since I told her I walk around the lake every day and to situps/pushups every other day. So it was a good catchup, and I think the issues *should* be resolved now. Hopefully we'll at least make out for once on Dec. 24th!
  10. It's too early to say if this is just an instance of us getting to know each others' communication styles, or if SHANDA is an overly-sensitive, emotionally manipulative (whether wittingly or unwittingly) person who will take any perceived slight as an opportunity to leverage their "victimhood" to sway things their way. Hopefully it's the former. Because if it's the latter, SHANDA can't hold a candle to my ex-wife and one of my ex-girlfriends, my past experience with whom will lead her to be kicked to the curb faster than she can say "you hurt my feelings!" or "all you think about is sex!"
  11. LTR is the only kind I specify. SHANDA replied soon after my last text, apologizing for the confusion, saying she needed to be more open with her feelings with me, and definitely wanted to see me again "if I would have her." I said I would, on the condition "we could move out of PlatonicLand," and also said that I wanted to know her feelings, good or bad. She "loved" the comment. She also explained why she was being weird. On Wednesday I had made a joking "Geez Louse" comment about her walk route preferences (she was being a little picky but not difficult, and I genuinely meant no offense), and since she a) wasn't sure I was joking, and b) was already emotional that week, she got upset. She said she should have said something to me then, and knew she was being irrational, but also got upset with herself for being upset. Basically she seemed sensitive yet conflict-avoidant, but also self-aware of those things. In any case, I apologized and assured her I wasn't trying to be mean, just playful. After I sent her a funny picture, we chatted a bit, she said she felt better about telling me what the issue was, and we decided to spend Xmas Eve (night only) together. Doubt she'll sleep over, but she's also free the day after Xmas, so that may happen too.
  12. I just texted her: "Sorry to hear about your week - I hope things look up. And yep, the impression I got was that was our last date, so I’ll let you clarify further - or not - when you’re feeling better."
  13. SHANDA just texted: "Hey... Thanks for being super thoughtful yesterday... I think I left the wrong impression and hurt your feelings when I rushed out. I was really tired, stressed out and emotional this week (and still am). And then anxious about curfew!!! I didn’t want to postpone because I wanted to see you but now in hindsight maybe that would have been the better call." But last night she mentioned nothing about being "tired, stressed out and emotional," even though I asked her how her week was. She only said that her work was same as usual, and gave me a good anecdote about it. I want to be understanding/patient, but I can't help but feel this is another stalling tactic (or runaround), just with a different face than the times before.
  14. THINGS ARE TOUGH ALL OVER DEPT: On my walk around the lake today, I overheard a girl talking to her friend: "And when I touched him, he just totally backed away! Like, thanks a lot. Then when we got to his place, he walked in right front of me, ran over to his dog and was all like "oh I missed you soooo much!" Like, wow, you totally just rejected me and now you're acting like this... to your dog!"
  15. SHANDA came over, we chatted a bit, got a pizza, came back to my place, she selected a movie from a few I picked out for her, and I asked if I could give her a kiss before it started. She said "uhhhmmm," I told her I took that as a "no," we had fun watching the movie (she commented quite frequently; it was THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN and as a science undergrad she liked it a lot), and as soon as the movie was over she said "well I guess I better get going!" We hugged, she left, and I'm not going to contact her further unless she does it first. I suppose my apartment library scared her off after all, or she had already made up her mind about me a few days ago, as I suspected. Oh well, at least my place is clean now.
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