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eNotAlone public & private journals.
  1. What's new in this club
  2. So today I learned a new trick. I woke u this morning feeling so much better. And I got dressed up today. I mean, I had a nice outfit on yesterday but was just too tired to bother with doing anything special to my hair or putting on makeup. Today I went all out, wore my best outfit I had with me. Sexy black asymmetrical gown, black lace tights, crushed velvet high healed boots. I wore a black rose in my hair. I also wore black opera black lace gloves. Not my long opera gloves though because I didn't want to cover up my tattoos. I went down there with no makeup one but my plan was to do it at the booth. So, early vending was a great idea. Everyone in my area came early and there were tons of people walking around. I did hundreds in sales in those few hours. I even sold one of my higher priced originals. But then when all those people were inside the spearheading competition there was a time when things were calm. I went into the bathroom to do my makeup. I don't wear makeup every day. It's a special occasion thing. But when I do I use high quality stuff. I really wanted to do smokey eyes today. So I was putting on my black eyeshadow and a little bit of it fell down below my eye. So I think I will just lightly brush it off. Big mistake. It's Mac eyeshadow. It's really pigmented and it lasts for hours and it doesn't come off without eye makeup remover. But that was kinda the problem. Trying to lightly brush it off made it worse. So I took a paper towel and got it damp and tried to blot it off. That just made it darker and made it spread around more. So, I took a small amount of hand soap and tried to wipe it off. Omg... every attempt I made just made it so much worse. So now I look like I've been punched in the eye. AND I got the damn hand soap in my eye. It her like a mfr so I was standing there over the sink just splashing water on my eye not even caring about ruining my makeup at this point. So now there's water dripping down my face and my eye is just surrounded by black smudges. Then this other vendor walked it to do her makeup. She asked me what happened to my face and I told her what happened. She put up her index finger and was like, "I know what to do!" She dug in her bag and pulled out some hand cream. I closed my eyes and let her do her thing. She used the hand cream to get all that crap off. She put the cream on first and then used a baby wipe. And it took it right off. I have never heard of that before. But from now on I will be prepared. The comradery among the vendor community is such an awesome thing. Vendors are always looking out for each other. At every show, the people in your area might start out as strangers but you get to know them. There are a lot of people here that I know. But both of my neighbors are people I've never met before. And they are awesome. I got invited to do another tattoo festival in July. I am so doing it. The fact that tattoo festivals are mostly invitation only and I am starting to break into that scene is such a cool thing. I'm really proud of myself. Tattoo conventions have high standards. There are festivals that will take anyone who can pay the fee. But then there are the invitation only shows that are really picky. If you would have told me a few years ago I would be doing IO shows I would have laughed. So according to the other vendors who have done this show before, tomorrow is the day when original art sells. I sold about 200 prints today and one original. But I guess tomorrow is the day when all the tattoo artists come out to shop.. They've been working their asses off for two days and they've made their money. And tattoo artists love buying original art. So tomorrow I will likely unload a few original paintings. My Siren painting is getting so much attention. I've had multiple people want her. And they've all been tattoo artists. They all say they will wait till Sunday. Wonder who will get her? And I thought tomorrow was going to be a bust for me. My brother was coming to get me tomorrow. And my Mom texted me earlier and said I better be ready to walk out the door tomorrow at 4. Well, the problem is the show goes until 8. There seems to be this misconception that vendors just set their own hours and can come and go as they please. Sometimes... but not usually. Most shows have no problem with people staying longer than the set vending time, especially shows that take place in hotels, where the venue doesn't have to close at a certain time. But leaving early is a HUGE no no. That will get you blacklisted. So when I got this text I had a conversation with Mom and my brother and they both wouldn't budge. They both said no one would care if I left early. So I went and talked to Jules, the organizer, and she straight up told me "If you leave four hours early I can't let you back in next year." People don't get that we are contracted. Even if I own my own business and I retain all the profit I make, I am still under contract to be set up and open for a certain time. That's part of the vendor agreement. If I leave then I am violating the contract and there are other vendors who are dying to be here. They aren't going to give the covneted spots to people who leave early. My ex was blacklisted from PPPD for closing down early one year. He started breaking thebooth down 15 minutes before it was time. And even though I kept my booth open the whole time they blacklisted me just because I was his girl. That has been lifted though. The organizer hated him and figured we were a package deal. She thought if she let me in it would just be a conduit for him to wiggle his way back in by proxy. But now that we aren't together anymore she came and talked to me and told em I'm welcome back at PPPD any time I want to do it. And his ass is still blacklisted. It's been about 5 years now. So anyway, I'm such a badass. I'm seriously so proud of myself because while dealing with a steady stream of customers I solved this problem. I posted on Facebook asking if anyone could help. I have a friend who as coming to Hell City tomorrow anyway and he drives a big ass SUV that will hold all my stuff. I told him I would cover his gas. I also said I would buy him dinner. And since I get two free weekend passes, for me and a helper, and I didn't use one, he gets in for free. So, now I don't have to leave and miss out on all the sweet Sunday money. And more importantly I'm not getting blacklisted. I'm definitely coming back next year. This show has been a lot more profitable than I thought it would be. I was worried, considering my hotel room cost me almost a grand. The convention center is connected to three hotels, total. There is a skywalk connected them all. I didn't know that when I booked this hotel. This is the only one that's a 5 star hotel. So next year I will be staying at the 3 star hotel across the street. I mean, yes this is a nice hotel and it's been really nice licving luxuriously for the past couple days. But I don't need to be spoiled and pampered. As long as their aren't roaches crawling around and the room is clean I'm happy. When I stay somewhere for a festival I spend so little time in the room anyway. This hotel has a pool, but I haven' had time to go swimming. The bar is really nice. But I pai $9 for a tequila sunrise earlier today. They were in special and I kept seeing customers with them so I wanted to try it. If $9 was the special price than what are they normally? And there couldn't have been much tequila in it at all because I didn't taste it and didn't feel any effects. So yea... Vending starts at noon tomorrow. But I'm going downstairs at 9ish. Tomorrow is going to kick so much ass. I have to check out tomorrow morning and take all my stuff to the booth. I have it all packed, though and ready to go. Once again I feel guilty that I'm now downstairs partying. But I worked the booth for 14 hours by myself today. I'm an introvert. I have to recharge. It's not like any of the other vendors are down there partying. Every vendor I talked to was going straight back to the room and to bed. And the vendors are the people I know. So yea... I could go down there to the after party. But since I don't know anyone there and I'm introverted and shy, what am I going to do? Stand there? I can't afford to drink. I did think it would be nice to hook up this weekend though... if I found the right person. I mean, I have J. We both find each other appealing in that way, but that's all. This weekend I have missed Z terribly. She was supposed to be here with me. She is the main reason I booked the crazy expensive hotel. There is the convenience of staying at the venue. But I also just really wanted to spoil her and treat her like my Princess. If my princess wants a 5 star hotel room just for the experience, I'll give it to her. And now I'm here alone. And two of my biggest selling prints are paintings I did of her. It's been 9 months and I still feel so lost. And I know she does too... that's so confusing. This could all be over. But she doesn't want it to be. I started rising when she left and she started falling. I started fixing up my place and making it a more pleasant place to live. She is now homeless. I stopped drinking all the time. She drinks more. I started working on myself. She stopped working on herself and just gets drunk. She used to say we mirrored each other. Well sometimes mirroring isn't a good thing if you think of it in terms of opposition. I'm rising and she's falling. How will we ever meet in the middle again? Being down here all alone has been so hard. I still love her so much. I've had dreams about her for the last two nights, too. I just don't understand why this had to happen... Jesus... could there be a more appropriate song for what I just wrote. And Damn you Spotify. I didn't seek it out. It came on right when I was finishing typing that last paragraph... And I decided I can't take it right now. *Shuffles* There... this is better.
  3. Today it has been 15 years since we said goodbye to you our sweet boy. This day 15 years ago my labour had already started and I knew you were gone . We were at the hospital and you were born sometime after 4:30 in the morning. Your tiny body with your wide open hands and tiny tiny fingers. You had a face so like your dad’s, long delicate legs and tiny toes. I know you are waiting for us with your other siblings and one day the other 3 three of us will join you in our own times. Look out for your big brother from where you are and help keep him safe for me. 💕
  4. A lot of difficulty sleeping lately, but it's a different from my usual spells of insomnia. I'm able to fall asleep pretty easily, but I keep being awakened by dreams. It's rare for me to remember a single dream but lately I'm bombarded by them so much that I've thought something actually happened only to recall that was ONE of my dreams, not a statement I'm remotely used to. The dreams are too... ordinary compared to my usual ones as well. Most often when I do recall my dream it's absurdly fantastical, and you'd think I could figure out I'm dreaming but it's pretty rare that I can. So the latest ones are far more convincing and I keep waking up and then slowly entering another dream that will repeat the cycle. Last night I think I woke up 7 times in a 7 hour period and had 7 unique dreams. I am tired. I am beyond out of it lately. And I'm so tired of my own organism being its own worst enemy.
  5. One YouTuber that I really enjoyed for a few years I no longer enjoy. What she was doing she no longer does. And she has endless endless endless mental and physical health updates. And even if the topic isn’t about that she still draws in something about health. I really can’t take it anymore. I’m going to keep my subscription and hope she crawls out of the hole she’s in. But for now I just can’t watch.
  6. I don't care long as you here by 10:30, no later than, drop them drawers, give me what I want.
  7. I agree, plus one of the tests was a lab PCR test rather than a home test. But I will still be cautious and only go out to do necessary shopping and maybe go on a walk outdoors if/when I feel up to it. No restaurants or take out food or fun shopping until 10 days have gone by. And no family visits until at least two weeks have gone by. My niece said when everything blows over she wants to visit me again. She's such a sweet young lady. My nephew is more quiet but he's a good kid too. As is my other nephew 🙂
  8. I would think after 5 or 6 days something would show on a home test . I would think.
  9. Took a home test today. Also negative. Hopefully bullet has been dodged. I still feel icky though, but again that's not unusual for me when the weather is gloomy and overcast. Out of caution I will remain at home except to buy groceries, and will wear a KN95 mask when I grocery shop to protect others. If I happen to start feeling worse I will go get tested again, but if not I will consider myself extremely fortunate that I am vaccinated and double boosted and it seemed to protect me well.
  10. I was on Trazodone for a little over a year for anxiety, depression and insomnia. I found it to be helpful. And no side effects (for me, anyway) other than a bit of drowsiness.
  11. I called this past Wednesday to set a doctor's appointment to adjust my medication. Due to a doctor leaving my doctor's practice group, my doctor was suddenly inundated with the other doctor's patients. The assistant said that she was booked out into July--and the office does not use a wait-list or cancellation list. Thankfully, I talked in further detail with the assistant about the nature of my intended visit (essentially a mental health matter), and the assistant was able to leave a note indicating high urgency for my doctor to set a call or appointment. I received a call Thursday to meet with my doctor Friday. On Friday, I was able to see her (first time in like 2-3 years due to COVID and her maternity leave!), and we talked about my options. Inevitably, we thought it best to double my buspirone dose (a minor change, she said, would have little effect). And then - given my really awful mental state (I haven't posted much about it but I am REALLY not in a good place: depressive symptoms including insomnia, lack of motivation, hopelessness, and admittedly suicidal ideations), she gave me options to treat depression or insomnia including (1) two SNRI options, to treat depression (2) an antidepressant that also treats insomnia, amitriptyline, and (3) a medication that that treats the insomnia caused by depression, trazodone. My doctor understands that I like to be an active participant in my care, so she -- like last time I saw her -- gave me information related to those options and asked me to send her a note with my thoughts. I will do my research and pick one today. So, I have started the increased buspirone dose today (send good vibes my way -- adjusting the dose of this medication makes me REALLY anxious for a day before I feel the positive difference), and I will send a note to my doctor about which of the three other medications above I think is best. I am thankful some of my family urged me to stop putting this off. My grandma, particularly, admonished me to have a sense of urgency about my care. I am glad: because I have not been in a good place for a while. I hope to get through the medication adjustment pains and return to calmness soon.
  12. So, last night I couldn't sleep. I always have a hard time sleeping in hotel rooms, and I forgot my sleeping pills. So I laid here and tossed and turned until 4ish. I don't know what time I actually fell asleep, but the last time I looked at the clock it was 4:02. So... I finally did fall asleep, and the damn alarm clock in the hotel room started going off at 6AM. Vending didn't start till noon so I didn't have to be up super early. The booth was already all set up and everything so... So I shut the alarm off, lay down and try to go back to sleep, a half hour later the damn thing goes off again. I couldn't unplug it. The bed is a huge king bed and the cord goes under the bed. And the bed has one of those wooden platforms under it so I can't crawl under it and unplug the thing. So then I'm about to go back to sleep... and again, the f*cking alarm goes off. So... I got like 1.5 hours of sleep. Today was an 11 hour day of vending. It wasn't crazy busy but it was steady. I made decent money. But still not making a profit yet. But today was Friday. Saturday is always the huge day when it comes to three day cons. Sunday is what we call Hangover day, lol. There is so much partying going on downstairs. I feel kind of bad for not being down there. I met some amazing people today. But... I also need to sleep. I can't just only survive on a few hours of sleep for very long and still keep my resolve. And tomorrow is the day I will need it most. Vending doesn't technically start until noon. But all the people in my row all decided we are going to be down there at 9ish. It's an open hallway. They can't stop us. Plus it's not like the vendors being there in their booths is hurting anyone. We are the ones choosing to put in the extra hours. Since I am by myself that is a long day with no breaks. But I have to do it. No other choice. Fourteen hours. There is a cheerleading completion here tomorrow that starts at around 10. Because of where we are, all the people here for that will have to walk right by us. We are in kind of a weird spot... not inside the tattoo convention, but in the hallway between several conventions. Even though we are technically part of the tattoo convention. The organizer told my neighbor they don't put vendors in the convention room because of bloodborn pathogens and needles and stuff. And she also said we are out in the hall because we are not the main focus of the show, the tattoo artists are. I can see that. But at the same time, they shouldn't charge us the same amount of money they are charging the tattoo artists if we aren't in the convention room where most of the traffic is. If we aren't the main focus, why are we paying the same fee? I mean, $750 is a hefty vendor fee. A tattoo artist can make that back in a few hours. Idk... there are plenty of people walking by us. Which is fine. I had steady customers all day today. So I can see both sides of it. This chick bought and original painting from me but didn't want to carry it around, which is fine. That happens a lot. I just put it behind the table, or leave it up and put a sold sticker on it. So she was going to get some tattoos and then come back to get it. But then her tattoos took longer than expected. So when it was almost 11 and all the vendors were about to close up, she just comes running into my booth in a tank top and her panties. She was like, "I didn't forget! I'm still being tattooed." She had a fresh tattoo outlined on her hip and a large bandaged up on on her ass cheek. I just think it's funny that she ran across the convention like that to get her painting. It's expected at a tattoo convention, though. There are people walking around half naked all over the place. She was hot, too so I doubt anyone minded. Walking around looking at the other art here is really inspiring. I don't have tons of time... I see stuff on the way to the bathrooms, etc. Anyways... I could write a lot more but I'm exhausted and need to go to sleep. I hope that flipping alarm clock doesn't go off again tomorrow.
  13. She is a year older than me and I knew people who went to college with her but I never met her. I saw her movies, remember the commercials of course.
  14. I remember the name Brooke Shields from when I was growing up, and I remember her face, I knew she was in a few movies, but I really don't remember much else about her. She seems like a really interesting person. The way she talks about the whole issue with the jeans commercial is really cool. She seems totally unscathed.
  15. Just waiting for hubby to get home. He had to go into the big city and do an audit on courses at a military school there. Then starts the holiday weekend!
  16. A couple of my other friends have said basically "well, everything turned out fine so what's there to be upset about?" We just spent an entire week being frightened. And I still don't have the all clear. And knowing that when it comes down to it, this friend prioritizes having fun over keeping her friends and their families safe. That's hard to dismiss. Maybe after some time goes by I will be able to explain to her why I'm so upset in a way she'll understand. And suggest for next time she just take the 20 minutes out to do a home test. Fortunately she lives far enough away that I will never just run into her. She did tell me she has very few people she trusts and considers true friends and I'm one of them. So maybe she'll rethink her response and get off the defensiveness. I am so, so thankful my son and his spouse chose not to go on the trip with us. That would have been next level upset.
  17. Well, you don’t have to stay friends with someone who can’t be responsible.
  18. I don't know if I'm going to be able to get past this. My family and I had such a nice weekend trip together and it was ruined because all we've been thinking about is whether or not we got infected. And her complete refusal to take any responsibility for the consequences of her actions. She just kept minimizing and deflecting. Sure, she said "sorry" but followed with a "but...it wasn't my fault and I didn't REALLY do anything wrong and you weren't REALLY at risk". She and her husband are visiting my state in two months and right now I don't even want to see them. What can I say? I already told her how I felt and she responded with a "yeah, but..." and a bunch of excuses and denial of responsibility. If she had said "I realize I behaved selfishly and I put you and your family at risk. I am truly sorry and I hope you can forgive me", I could probably at least see she was making an effort. But she didn't. I hope she recovers soon. I really do, because I don't want her and her husband to be sick. But I don't know if I want to be her friend anymore. However, if we all are lucky enough to avoid being infected I can say for sure the vaccine and boosters do "work". Other than making out with her (which I didn't and don't want to lol), I was about as exposed as you can get. If I didn't get sick I credit the vaccine for helping protect me.
  19. Our AC works awesome now that they spent 2 hours cleaning out the AC and furnace and water tank. We have a hot water on demand tank.
  20. Glad they are all doing ok. When they all ok he can stop his testy… but people do forgive their children things more than anyone else for sure.
  21. Yes, thank you. They all feel fine. My brother is still very "testy" whenever I communicate with him about it, so it may take him a while to calm down. I guess it was different when we got infected by his son in 2020, but that's his child so it's easier to forgive.
  22. I hear you . I was aching so bad yesterday and the day before and it was cloudy and rainy . They think hubby might have RA but it was RIGHT at the start of Covid so no testing has been done . Then there was the possible thyroid cancer so the RA testing got shelved. Is your family feeing ok so far?
  23. They also tested me for the flu and that was also negative. It has been overcast and it even rained overnight. I tend to feel poorly when it's overcast since I have some indicators of RA although my doctor wants to hold off on actually testing me for it. He wants to see if over the counter painkillers work first. One more test Saturday and if it's negative I will presume I'm fine. I will be extremely grateful if I didn't infect my family.
  24. That is great! I am pretty sure you will be negative and maybe caught a flu? I know influenza is making a reoccurrence here right now. A friend of mine her family is down with it . Every single family member has tested negative for Covid professional test home test every test so now the doctor thinks it’s influenza.
  25. My test was negative. While that's a tremendous relief, it was only four days after exposure. So I'm going to take one more home test tomorrow to be sure because I still feel lousy. But negative is definitely preferable to positive. Sincerely hoping it's a true negative so my family is safe.

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