notalady
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Everything posted by notalady
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I generally ask what they're looking for if I see potential to get serious and it's been a few dates. I don't see the big deal in asking, it's all just part of the normal conversation. I asked J on the 4th date
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I'm still following your journal reinvent just not been writing as much haha
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Let's be honest, he's a friend, friends shouldn't be this much hard work. Friendships are easy, simple, enjoyable. If you want to go through all this hard work, analysing the pros and cons, explaining your situation and going through these negotiation etc, you'd get into a relationship. So personally, I really wouldn't bother with him anymore. I'd simply say, I'm only interested in friendship. No need to explain any more. He either wants the same thing or don't.
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Time to shut it down then?
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Awww that's so cute!!
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It's not so much the fact that you went on dates, more so the last two post where you seem to be doubting yourself and wanting to give him more chances that gives me the impression that you're trying to make it work with him despite the red flags, and it felt a bit like a deja vu reading that. That's just my impression though, as we all know sometimes written words can be misleading!
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Don't doubt yourself. Don't make the same mistakes of ignoring red flags and proceed to date the wrong guy again. This one is clearly not right. When someone moves fast, you run, I learned it the hard way if you remember. And no I don't think another conversation is necessary, only 4 dates, best time to exit before investing more time and eventually becoming attached. If you don't mind me saying, I also found myself feeling like you're rushing into another relationship soon after the other one ended.
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I would've just answered "no". His question was narcissistic and purely for attention seeking purposes, I'd be annoyed too and wouldn't bother meeting with him after that.
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Hahaha best love story ever. I recall Faraday's Jay loves spreadsheets too. Personally, I'm the spreadsheet lover in my relationship haha
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Wonderful news about your son! Although to me it sounds way too complicated for just a proposal, because so many people are now involved lol... that's just my personal feeling about it though, I know many people do it that way (get their friends and family involved in helping with the preparation or just be there to witness it), like for me, I'd feel self conscious about my reaction with so many people there and not be able to fully focus on embracing the moment with just the one other person that really matters in this moment, you know what I mean? But it's great news either way!
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Sorry it didn't work out with Toby, but it's good that you returned him quickly. Maybe it's too soon to get another cat hey?
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Toby is totally adorable!!!! Is Macy accepting him?
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I can appreciate your difficult position Reinvent, obviously not as a mum but as a child. My dad always voiced his opinion about guys I was dating that I brought to meet him, positive or negative. Admittedly we're from a bit of a different culture, so family approval is very important to me (and my friends are the same). The way my dad approached it has always been to use rational reasoning with me. He knows I'm open to reason and he knows logical and rational discussions work with me. He never once said he doesn't like who I'm dating, he even said a few times, "it doesn't matter if I like them or get along with them, it matters if he makes YOU happy and is a suitable partner for YOU, afterall you are the one who has to spend the rest of your life with them". That takes away the personal aspect of it and make me look at things more objectively and more long term, rather than thinking "my dad is biased, he just doesn't like this guy". He always give me good reasons as to why he doesn't think this guy is a good match for me. I didn't always come to the same conclusion immediately, I didn't always agree, but I did take it in and eventually came to the same conclusion in all cases. So for one thing, it depends on how well you know your child and his personality and communication style (whether he's open to opinion and objective reasoning). And second, is to communicate your reasoning as objectively (not to express your personal feelings about it) as possible, and lastly, you just have to trust that your opinion is of value to him, and he has absorbed what you said even if he doesn't agree or put it into action immediately, then leave it up to him to come to that conclusion himself.
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That makes me sad poor Macy! She can't process grieve the same way we do because she doesn't understand why her companion is gone and why it had to happen.
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Hugs for you and Macy.. she's adorable
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Awww I'm so sorry to hear that reinvent.. hugs for you. RIP Xena. I'm sure she lived a good, happy life!
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Will they not be able to attend to her when you bring her in at 10:45? Still have an hour or so? I can share your stress, when my cat had trouble peeing it was almost midnight (semi blocked urethra), the only option was to see an emergency vet which was expensive, and I saw advice online that I should take him in to see the vet immediately instead of waiting. I debated waiting to morning but ended up taking him in that night, it costed more than it should've otherwise and turns out I could've waited till morning, but I didn't want to wait and regret it if it turned out to be more serious. So, sorry I can't advice if you should wait, but I say follow the option you won't regret (or will regret less).
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That reminded me of my ex of 2.5 years and I really do get how you feel. It was constantly walking on egg shells when I talk to him because he seems super sensitive with whatever I say and get offended/ annoyed with me by the most random trivial and unpredictable things. Different triggers than the things that trigger S, but similar in the way that makes me feel. He was also very insecure and often defensive if he perceives what I'm saying as criticism. I remember once we met near the train station and when I got out, I was holding a bottle of water. He told me there's no drinking or eating on the train. I said yea but this is just water. He said it doesn't matter, there's no drinking on the train! I said yeaaaaa? It's just water! He got mad at me for not being reasonable. And I got mad because it feels like he was yet again picking on me for something so trivial that it's laughable we're even talking about it. So we had a fight. On the way to meet friends. We were late because we couldn't resolve this on the way and he didn't want to go in. So we argued and talked and got over it eventually. Then I showed him the train authority website where it says, no food and drinks other than water. He only said, well I didn't know that. I was thinking....THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!! The point is you made a big deal out of nothing and to make it worse, when you don't even have all the facts! Sorry for the random vent lol... but really, when you can't even be left in peace to just live your life and be yourself (like speak your mind normally and attend a social event like normal people do), then you know something is not right.
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Sorry to hear about what's transpired. I like your email. Although a bit emotional and not quite as diplomatic, but, it's real and truthful. Someone needed to call him out, and tell him a truth that is different to his. Anyway onwards and upwards!
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Reinvent, I'm like you, I detach pretty easily, and so when I'm not seeing my partner for more than, say 3 days, I start to get a little detached, more so if it's like one or two weeks. So I need time to re-establish that connection when I see them again. That reconnection gets quicker the longer I date someone. But outside of the initial dating stage when everything is passionate and exciting, I personally don't like the whole full on affection, full on hugging and kissing and all over each other thing even if we haven't seen each other for a while. My last LTR ex was like that, like every time we saw each other, he's all over me (affection wise), it can get a bit much. Current boyfriend is more on my level. We'd kiss greet each other, we'd hold hands (if we're meeting outside), there'll be regular physical touches and sometimes a hug or two, but not in a suffocating way. I think it's not so much that there's something wrong with you feeling this way, but more interesting to me that you keep picking men that are the opposite to you (ie super affectionate, doesn't need time to re-establish affection).
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Haha that is definitely possible.
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Sounds like HR and the company in general needs to be more discerning when hiring then. Glad that you are saying no to HR when you think the person is not right for the job. Not sure what you'd do about the underperforming ones, whether there's some way for them to move on. Hopefully in the not distant future they'll see some opportunity and leave lol..
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That sucks!
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You'll be pleased to hear most people I know that are my age aren't like that. So, there's certainly hope to my generation lol... I do know a few 40 something year olds (so not millennial) that are all about "show me the money" and have the attitude of "that's not my job", constantly dissatisfied and can't take criticism. I was raised with "if your boss tell you to do something, you don't tell them "sorry not my job", you just do it" (within limits of course but you know what I mean), work hard but work smart (ie prioritise), accept constructive criticism and always work on improving yourself. There's a 45 year old woman at work that gets defensive whenever she feels like she's criticised, and regularly crumbles into a teary mess under criticism or stress. She's very hard to performance manage I was told (by her manager). And another 40 something year old is always demanding things at work like, we should have work drinks every month, we should have an ironing board at work (because he needs to iron his shirt....), it's like, get real! Whereas I'm one of the easiest people you'll find around to manage lol... it's always "yep will do!", always quick to say "sorry that was my fault, I should have done this or that" (even though it's shared responsibility, and the person knows it, so they would actually point that out), because no boss wants to hear "it's not my fault, it's XYZ". And never a "why don't we get this and that at work?"
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I think it depends on what kind of dancing and what context. If it's at a wedding or any other group function, I think you can dance with anyone. Everyone had a few drinks, on the dance floor, dancing silly, having a good time. It's not like you're grinding and doing sexual suggestive moves. whether that's a male friend or another attendee at the event, I don't think that's inappropriate. I've had J's friend (whom I had just met once at the time) grab me for a dance at a wedding while we were all at the same wedding, J had gone to the bathroom, he came back and we were dancing away. He just laughed and his friend "handed me back" to J lol... It did surprise me when he grabbed my hand for a dance (while I was on the dance floor), but I didn't feel uncomfortable, so I went along. He's the type of touchy feely guy with big personality and he's that way with everyone, J knows that. When I went to a swing dance intro lesson with J and one of my female friends (another male friend was supposed to come but he ended up cancelling), after we did the rounds where you took turn to dance with random people, we danced alone, and then I asked him if he minded dancing with my friend, because she was all alone. I didn't want her to feel left out. Of course he didn't mind. Then we (two girls) danced, it was funny. I think dancing can be sexual (in a club, with sexual music, grinding away and someone comes up to you and dance close, even if it's a friend), but at other times, totally innocent and appropriate.