notalady
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Everything posted by notalady
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Glad to hear you had a great time reinvent!
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I think it's perfectly fine that you share this view with him and I don't see it as teaching him anything, he either gets it or don't, and agree or don't, I don't think you can teach adults how to behave or what they believe in.
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I think you deserve some down time! Rest up and spoil yourself doing something you enjoy!
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I think many people who had long term relationships would end up with these kind of baggages (explains why you keep finding these men), I think it takes a lot of self reflection and willingness to learn from one's own mistakes to let go of those baggages (or not have baggages in the first place). A lot of people aren't capable of doing that, all they want to do is blame the other person for the relationship failing. I think that you do a lot of self reflection and learn from your past experiences and you shouldn't give up on finding a man who is capable of looking at themselves rather than just pointing fingers at others.
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Huh? Sorry that's just ridiculous. He IS questioning your integrity. Just because his friend greeted you that way and you didn't get offended (either didn't notice or wanted to be polite), what, that means you WANTED it or initiated it? To put it very crudely, it's like accusing a rape victim who lied there and took it, because they didn't fight it, that must mean they wanted it, and this woman better apologise to her partner because she had sex with someone else didn't she?! Of course not the same situation but same argument. I would've said, I don't greet men or anyone that way and your friend J does on a regular basis, clearly. If you don't like it, feel free to tell HIM to stop it. Case closed. What more need to be said? I don't even see a need to be empathetic or apologise or even discuss any further in this case.
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Reinvent, my ex C and I (2.5 years relationship) used to have these types of arguments, where something I said or my tone apparently was offensive to him and he'd react to it (even though no one ever, friends, family, past and current boyfriends had ever been offended by me because of these kind of things so I knew it wasn't me), we'd talk about it and I would say something that I'm sorry that what I said made him feel that way and that I get it and will be more mindful in the future. And he would apologise for his reaction. That was the dynamic of the whole relationship. In one of our final arguments close to break up time, I said something similar to that and he thought that wasn't enough, he said I never just apologise, and that I always say it in this roundabout way with other prefacing statements, and ended with "just say it", so to regain peace, I forced myself to say I'm sorry even though I felt that I've done nothing wrong. I'm the same as Fudgie, since that relationship I made up my mind that I will never date a guy around whom I have to sensor what I say (other than the obvious stuff like don't be disrepecful or rude). And reinvent, I also learned that being sensitive is not a good thing. It is not to be confused with being considerate and thoughtful of others. I also used to think that people who are sensitive is good, because they'd be sensitive to other people's feelings. That's not so at all. Many times people who are too sensitive are just self involved and focussed on how others make them feel rather than the other way round. J is the most considerate and thoughtful boyfriend I've ever had and he is also the least sensitive when it comes to his own feelings (i.e. Being easy going and doesn't take much to heart). I think the difference in being sensitive about self vs being sensitive about others but not self, is that the latter comes from a big heart, the first comes from a narrow one. As for his winning and losing mentality and his comment about rolling over, I agree with WL, he's clearly still perpetuating the dynamics of the last relationship and react to you as if he would have to his ex. It reminds me a lot of Z, who used to often say stuff like that, well not in those words but he put words in my mouth (sometimes in a joking way like S did here), as if he was assigning someone else's personality to me, I could see that was clearly his last relationship's dynamic and he was making me into his ex. It made me angry, because that was not me at all and those were never things I would say or think, why was he making me into someone else?! Anyway sorry for a long post reinvent, and I'm not saying you should break up with him now, but I really don't see this working out. When issues (in this case communication issues) arise within the first 3-4 months, it's worth taking extra note and understand that it is likely to stay, then consider if you can live with that.
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I think it's normal to feel a bit anxious around the 3 months mark, I did too for the very same reason you mentioned. But I think logically, we all know if there is in fact any rational cause for concern. I think in your case, there is. Whether you choose to bring that up or not is of course up to you. I remember feeling very uncomfortable and anxious about the fact that Z's ex still tried to lean on him so much and he never cut her off. Not because I thought he wasn't over her or would get back with her, I thought he was very much into me, but I think it just highlighted the difference in our value and boundaries and that's what was making me uncomfortable. I doubt you're a rebound, he seems very into you, but that doesn't say much about whether he's ready for another serious relationship. That also doesn't say much about if your values and boundaries are similar.
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The mail thing reminds me a lot of Z's situation with his ex, if you can recall. She kept finding excuses to see him and contact him, likely wanted to get back together. To me it's a boundary issue, as in he wasn't able to establish proper boundaries after break up. I didn't realise S just came out of a 10 year relationship for 8 months, it does sound pretty soon. I think he should've taken more time to recover from the break up and get everything sorted. Anyway, I really hope he doesn't turn into a Z, for the lack of a better way to phrase it lol...
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I'd freak out too if a guy I dated for a couple months started buying all these things for his place to accomodate me, especially the bigger items like blow drier, flat iron etc. I mean if it was just food and maybe a pillow (because you need it for better sleep), that's sweet and considerate. All those other stuff is too much. I think the only appropriate time to buy those is when you're fairly well progressed and serious in a relationship. I would definitely say something.
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I like sniffing my pjs after staying at J's place cos it smells like him, and I like that hahaha...
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S sounds a bit like my ex C when it comes to impatience / being annoyed or frustrated. My ex would get frustrated with himself for small imperfections (like a small negligible mistake), but he seems to hold the same standard for others too, like he would get annoyed with people in public not behaving in a considerate way or people eating on the train (which is not allowed but no one ever enforces it and the way I see it, it's really not something concerning him directly so to get annoyed and criticise people who do it is really unnecessary), he didn't drive but I'm sure he'd find something to be annoyed by too if he did drive. He used to talk to me in an annoyed tone quite a bit, if I do something less than perfect, like say repeating myself (like you did) or didn't wipe dry the outside of a glass before placing it on the table, or lost the cap on his USB. I think it's perfectionism to some degree. And perhaps a little bit of insecurity as well (being annoyed at one self for small mistakes). I don't know the extent of S' impatience, but I wouldn't expect it to not spill over to your interactions.
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I don't like men who describe women, whether their partner or ex or their friends' partners or ex's or whoever, as crazy or psycho or any such words. It shows a bias, a lack of understanding and respect for the other gender. It takes two for a relationship, current or past, to become dysfunctional or to fail, and there is always two sides to every story. To call the women crazy or psycho is to blame whatever is or was not working in the relationship on them and none on the guys. Sure, some women do behave irrationally and there's the odd ones who behave in a way that can be described as crazy, but when someone describes all of his friends' wives and ex's using those terms, I highly doubt it's accurate.
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*GAME* 5 Letters Make a Sentence, Part 3
notalady replied to HeartGoesOn's topic in Off Topic's Topics
Tommy Hides Inflated Nodding Goblins. PINKY -
Seems a bit far ahead in proportion to the amount of time you've been dating. I'm always a bit conscious of not planning ahead for periods longer than the length of the relationship, or at least not more than a month but that's just me. Sounds like it's all going well
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*GAME* 5 Letters Make a Sentence, Part 3
notalady replied to HeartGoesOn's topic in Off Topic's Topics
Foot Rubbing's Eve's Secret Hobby LOVER -
*GAME* 5 Letters Make a Sentence, Part 3
notalady replied to HeartGoesOn's topic in Off Topic's Topics
Sasquatch Are Not Totally Anal. TRAIN -
I would give it a bit more time. I think it bodes well that he said he understood how you felt and he would've felt the same, rather than being defensive or make light of your concerns (eg it's no big deal, you're overthinking) or explaining things in a way that only aims to appease you but not because he understands what is wrong (eg if it makes you happy, I'll deactivate the account. In other words, he doesn't agree that's the right thing to do). As for the 24 hour date, if you really don't feel like it, you could just say you're not feeling well and want to postpone it? It know it's a lie but I guess kinda true too, you're not feeling all that well emotionally though not physically
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I would probably take a few days away to really think about this. It's a tough one because it's a bit grey. So to clarify, when you say you agreed you were on the same page, what was exactly agreed on? That you're dating exclusively and will not be seeing others? Or just that you're both not logging in or seeing other at the moment, which I see is quite different to agreeing to exclusivity. The whole thing wouldn't sit well with me because the reason just doesn't make sense. Let's think about it, if he's still getting messages, deactivating or hiding the account sends the clearest message - that he's no longer looking. Instead he went in to message this person and left the account open? However, I also wouldn't immediately assume bad intention (that he's looking to date others at the same time). It's very possible that, while he may only be interested in dating you exclusively at the moment, he hasn't closed off all options yet. So when he sees this person keep messaging him, he wanted to check things out and possibly being nice to her so that if things doesn't work out with you, he has a back up option. After all it hasn't been that long that you two have been dating (less than a month?) and could very well not last. Now I would've been perfectly fine with keeping options open if sex wasn't involved, but not after. But given that your view about having an active profile on dating site and logging in wasn't agreed on before sex, it left room for interpretation. Now that he knows your stance regarding this, he took it down immediately, I guess that's a good thing. So that's my long winded way of saying, you may want to take a few days to consider if this warrants giving him the benefit of the doubt once.
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The reason he gave doesn't add up. There are of course reasons to log in. Like, if he wanted to show your photos to a friend for example. Or like me, I almost re-activated my account recently to grab my chat history with J, was just being a bit nostalgic, but didn't end up doing so just in case it causes any kind of doubt or misunderstanding, even though J is unlikely to even know. Or he could've logged in to deactivate his account. So there are many legitimate reasons one could decide to log into their dating account even if they are serious about you. But those are not the type of reasons he gave. Personally, I wouldn't have called him out so early and just waited to see if he logs on again. If he does it for two or three times, I would ask him why he's doing so, I think it'd be easier to distinguish a lie that way. But anyway, what are you going to do about it?
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Aww it's nice that he sent flowers! It's very normal to feel vulnerable and a bit anxious after sex. I know I sure did! It fades away after a little while though, just give him time to prove to you that he's serious about you
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That seems like a weird dynamic reinvent... I've never experienced that before lol... That's normal though. I was also highly vigilant / sensitive to flaws or dysfunctions that resembled those of my ex's after break up, then it will be "reset" with the next ex's flaws and dysfunctions after that particular break up lol... Not a bad thing though, just as long as you're not acting on that instinct hastily without seeing more evidence first to prove it one way or the other.
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Yea I posted in your journal rather than mine lol! Not sure what I was thinking!
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Oops posted in the wrong thread lol
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I think that the last time, he was in his element. It was an upscale venue which in itself sets the romantic scene, he was also dressed up and confident while you were less so. I think all that contributed to you feeling smitten. But back in reality, you feel less smitten and excited about him in the day to day setting. I think perhaps that excitement was not so much about him but more about the idea and feeling of this "prince like" (for the lack of a better word) gentleman who took you to a really nice place and treated you like a princess (a bit like Cinderella, just for one night Of course, nothing wrong with enjoying that! But I just think you weren't that excited about HIM if you know what I mean. You don't know him enough yet so maybe give it a few more dates. But I think if your feelings are back and forth after a few more dates, I wouldn't proceed. We've both gone down that road before, it doesn't end well P.S. I'd also take note of the flickers of intolerance and negativity and observe over the next few dates. I would suspect it's more him showing his personality after a few dates rather than having a bad day.
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He sounds great so far reinvent! We'll see if the apologising / asking for permission thing goes away