notalady
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Everything posted by notalady
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That reminds me of Naomi's pink pens, haha...
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I think I would just continue to observe. It's kinda hard to jump straight to "oh ok, since he said so, it must be so", since he didn't offer that information to begin with and now have you in doubt. If this is the only time he's lied about / hidden anything to you, I would let it go and just see how things pan out. If there's any more instances, then I would consider it a red flag.
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Did he only go on a few dates or was it "dating until two weeks ago" before you reconnected? I think that makes a difference to me.
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I edited to add this in the end, I think it might be when you were replying.
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Sounds like an honest communication then. If I've only been on a few dates with someone, and someone was asking me if I was dating or seeing anyone (either), I would've said no. I do agree a few dates is insignificant enough that it doesn't even count. Of course, I would also not at a later date be talking about "oh I saw this movie with a date" when I know it's the time I've said I'm not dating or seeing anyone, as I would deem it unnecessary information if I had deemed the "a few dates" unnecessary information the first time round. I would've simply said "I saw this movie". That's it, no context needed as to who was present. I think all I can say is that perhaps he's too honest in that instance to share who he had gone to the movies with. Edit to add: just realised it's unclear whether he only went on a few dates or was it consistent dating for a period of time, until you reconnected (minus 2 weeks when he's been away...)
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Yes I hate that feeling of finding out that I had been lied to, however small it is. Z (if you recall), loved to "fudge" around timelines and tell "white lies", but they're not white lies to me when he's the beneficiary of the lies, not me. He told me he dated someone for 3 months when broken up with his ex, before they got back together. And when she asked him after they got back together, he said he didn't date anyone, because he didn't want to upset her. (Rrrrright....) I don't think he thought lying is a big deal, if he can justify it (and it's usually "to not upset you"). He did that with his ex too with stories he told me. Do you think that's how S thinks about lying? That it's not a big deal? Was he apologetic for having lied?
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I'm so sorry to hear about your mum IAG..I'm glad she left peacefully in her sleep. And I'm glad you got to spend time with her in her final days. Big hugs for you!
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Text message miscommunication strikes again! I would've been the same as you, see no need in rehashing it and just let it go. Pick your battles indeed.
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It's good to hear things are going well with S! Sorry to hear about S' mother, I'm sure S will take good care of things.
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I think it's smart to maintain control over your own affairs and not put in yourself in a position where someone you trust can screw your over. I think when you feel you can protect yourself and have control over whatever aspect of your life, and even if someone you trust breaches your trust, it might hurt emotionally but not in real terms (financially for example) ie you're not screwed over, I think only then you can be fully open emotionally to trust people, because you know at the end of the day, you have you covered regardless of what happens with the people you choose to trust. I don't think that's being distrustful or having trouble with trust, just like I don't think pre-nup means you expect the marriage to fail or you don't trust it to last.
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This reminds me of the time I went swing dancing with J and a guy who came in late was put in the rotating circle instead of just replace one of the women that took the male/lead role. So he obviously ended up dancing with a lot of guys lol... I saw J dancing with him, it was quite funny. Poor guys, they tried that's for sure! I think they didn't mind but it was probably a bit awkward.
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A good morning text would indicate interest to me. I used to tell myself not to "read too much into it", but it turned out accurate every time. It's just a gut feel, I think you should trust it.
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I do remember you mentioning this in the beginning and yes I did caution about it in some way. I remember he bought you a hair straightener and pillow etc. yes I see them as yellow to red flags after my experience with my ex Z, but I mean realistically if it happened to me again, I don't know if it would cause me to break up with them right away, more just put me on notice to pay closer attention to their behaviour and slow things down.
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This was the one before Z, I did speak of him before here and there, I think I called him C occasionally. He was my second LTR, first being when I was 19-20, this was when I was 26. We were together for 2.5 years but in hindsight I should've followed through on my attempt to break up with him on our one year anniversary where he got offended about a joke I made and I just had enough. But we ended up talking it out. Actually he's what brought me to ENA, if you look at my first two posts ever, it was asking for advice about C, advice on here was what also pushed me to break up with him at one year, but of course I didn't follow though. If I was a savvy dater, I would've broke up with him after 3-4 months. He was already showing red flags then about his insecurities (not about women though just in general) and our incompatible personality. But I didn't really think in those terms back then, I believed in working things out. I still do now but I've learned from then that fundamental things can't be worked out.
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Your example about 4th July reminds me of my ex, the amount of times when things were good, when it was meant to be a time for happiness and celebration, when I was relaxed and let my guard down, BAM he'd create some kind of drama in which I've somehow spoken to him in the wrong tone / made the wrong joke / forgot to change the toilet paper ONCE / put a glass of water on a glass top table without wiping it first / done one thing or another wrong, and we spend hours trying to explain ourselves and sorting it out, and it completely ruins what was meant to be a good time. Sometimes I think that's a good sign that a relationship isn't working, that is, when things are going well, there always seem to be conflicts pulling the relationship back. Like one step forward two steps back.
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That's the thing about social media, people, as expected, always post the glamorous part but not the troubled side. So you would never really know until things ended and you go oh, I didn't see that coming. Early this year, a local footballer and his partner went to a wedding, and later that night when they got home, he chased and ran his partner over with a car and killed her, news reported he's been abusive of her for a long time. And yet just two weeks before, she was gushing all over Facebook about what a wonderful, kind, caring man he is, even though the abuse had been going on for ages. When discussing this news with a friend, she told me her friend who married a guy that she was never that happy with, but she just wanted to be married, it was better than being alone (her words), she had posted flowers on Facebook and said it was from her lovely husband for no reason, everyone was envious, but my friend knew the truth, they had a big fight and he slept on the couch, he was sending flowers to apologise. That's why whenever I see someone gush over their partner publically on Facebook, or post photos of flowers and gifts from partners "for no reason", or overall showing off their relationship, I always take it with a big grain of salt. Interesting and sad how deceiving people can be, often not with an intention to fool the world but themselves.
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I would've not said anything when his friends are there but definitely would've asked him why he was quiet after they left. I don't know what you would achieve by asking when the friends are right there, kind of putting him on the spot, no? It's not like anyone (S included) would open up about their insecurities in front of a group in that situation? But I do agree with your therapist that there was a conflict already. But honestly, what could you have done with someone this petty and insecure (big red flag) other than breaking up..
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Hugs for you reinvent. I don't recall you struggled this much when you broke up with M? Or is it because this time you didn't initiate the break up?
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Yes that's what I was asking lol..
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Reinvent, maybe my post wasn't clear but what I'm trying to ascertain is what your therapist thought you could've said or done at the beginning when problems first started to arise and what would've been the result of that - that is, would it have ended things after one or two incidents/red flags (you could call it ending before it started?) instead of this far down the road.
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Just chiming in, I don't think of empathy as caring for animals (or people even), I see it as the ability to jump out of your "self" and whatever position you hold at that point and put yourself in someone else's shoes, being able to identify that from the other person's perspective, whatever they are saying or doing seems reasonable or at least understandable. A lot of people find it hard to even see the other person's perspective and say well I can see your point and understand why you hold this position / view even though I don't agree. What they do with that is of course up to the person, hopefully it helps better communication when both parties can identify with the other despite any disagreement. I feel that this is what reinvent was looking for, but if I'm wrong she could clarify
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Re the last sentence, maybe that's what should have happened - over before it started? What is it that your therapist said you should have said in the beginning when the insecurity problems started?
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Don't beat yourself up too much. You know ego is a funny little thing. When I was seeing a guy casually (at the start of my last journal), at first I would obsess over him because he kept me at a distance, I think that felt like rejection of some kind. But once he told me he didn't want anything long term and I was calling things on and off as it suited me, to which he always agreed to, I stopped obsessing. I think it's the lack of control over the situation that makes you go a bit crazy.
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I think faraday has a good point, you did put up with M for quite a long while as well despite the red flags and it's happened again with S, which in hindsight you can see how bad it was.
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Is this something you read? Or did you write that? I assume thats referring to S right?