notalady
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Everything posted by notalady
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Reinvent, your observations are interesting. I suppose it's true that controlling people seek out people who they think can be controlled. But do you think you also seek out men who seems to take charge early on, perhaps initially disguised as assertiveness and well-planned (as you said you prefer someone with a plan and don't like it when someone asks you what to do/where to go). Because that's an interesting comparison to myself, as I always felt annoyed (and treated it as a red flag in the dating context) when someone makes a decision that affects me without asking my opinions / preferences first, such as what to do and where to go, even something as small as picking a restaurant. I have an old friend (female) who I never got close to but we've been friends since 14, she is the type to overly take charge and plan things out, I remember when we went on an away trip together a few years ago, along with two others, she was very take charge about the planning and activities, and that just rubbed me the wrong way. I prefer a consultative approach and hate when someone else takes charge. That's probably why we weren't and never will be close. So I think I must repel and feel repelled by controlling people as they would just annoy me too much initially for it to even go anywhere. Interestingly when I told J about my friend, he said he wouldn't have minded if someone planned out everything and happy to just go along. I said that's because he's so easy going lol... I do recall you said S was not like that (take charge I mean) at the start, with that story about picking a restaurant. So I think seeking out apparently passive men (both S and M) hasn't worked for you either, they both end up being controlling in their own ways, no? Perhaps the initial display of assertiveness and passiveness is not the key to finding someone who is well balanced and respects and hears you. Perhaps the way to distinguish is to voice your opinions and preferences, even if small, early on, and see how they respond. Perhaps being "less easy going", even if you have to make yourself do it, is the way to go? I'm just throwing out ideas here
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I'm interested to see the article you're talking about
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That is a sad mindset. It seems like his idea of conflict resolution is never admit defeat. He seems so terrified to be "wrong" that he refused to see or hear your point of view (hence why you feel unheard). Sadly I've met some guys who do have this mentality after being in relationships where they felt they had no control or no say. I remember one guy I once dated 8 years ago for a couple of months, we were at the supermarket shopping for dinner ingredients. He asked what I wanted then proceeded to ignore it completely without so much as a "I feel like this instead, what do you think". He just went ahead and bought what he wanted without considering what I just said. Later I told him that made me feel uncomfortable. He said don't worry, one day you'll be making all the decisions and I'll just be standing there holding the basket. I was shocked and said that's not what I want at all! Apparently he was in a relationship of 5 years where the dynamic was like that.
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Haha pretty much!
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Hugs for you reinvent! I don't think there's anything wrong with "demonising" an ex to help get over them faster, if that just means focusing more on the bad than the good for a while.
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And that is true to form! In hindsight, also a red flag. Really he's so jealous and insecure that he can't bear to see photos of you on Facebook with other males (not ex's I assume)??
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So sorry to hear this reinvent, it seemed sudden but at the same time I'm not surprised. Things seemed to be going well for a while but I always remember in the back of my mind the issues he has, that's not going away on its own and was bound to show up again and again. Reading your more detailed posts about what you can't share with S and what sets him off, that sounds soooo tiring. My ex C was easily set off (not in terms of jealousy of other males in my life, he's just really an*l about things) about little 'mistakes' I make (that I don't consider as mistakes) or if I said the wrong thing or had the wrong tone in his view, that's enough to ruin the rest of the day. I ended up apologising for most of those, though most of the time not going down without a fight lol. I used to censor what I say and be careful of what I do so as to not do anything 'wrong'. I was so tired of censoring and tired of talking or arguing about these non-issues and tired of apologising. I swore I would never date a guy I can't just relax and be myself around and say and do whatever I want (within reason) ever again. It really resonated with me when you said S would tell you what you're thinking. Both C and Z did that in their own ways that reflected their own issues. C used to do something similar to S, jokingly say negative things that he assumes I'm thinking like he would tell a joke and then pretend to be me and say "C, you're not funny", I was like what? That's not at all what I'm thinking! But I knew he's just being insecure so he'd strike first, spell out what he thought was the obvious (even though a lot of the time was untrue) so he didn't have to risk someone else saying or thinking it. Z used to assume he knows what would upset me, assume what I would appreciate (eg expensive jewellery) because those were the kinds of things his ex would get upset about or she really liked. So he assumes ALL female are like that. Most of the time he was way off base, and I found myself having to defend who I really am. He didn't make the effort to really get to know who I am and just assigned an identify for me, I see S doing the same to you. In my case, Z assumed I'm a sensitive, dramatic, make mountain out of mole hill female who LOVES expensive branded products (all of which couldn't be further from the truth), and S assumes you're the cheater that every other woman in his life turned out to be. I know it feels sad right now but I'm actually pretty happy that you got your freedom back. That's how I felt breaking up with my ex's, after the sadness subsided, I felt free, free to be myself again and that's a wonderful feeling. I really hope you get to that point very soon!
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It's certainly hard to watch a friend make unwise decisions about the same thing over and over regardless of what others say. I would distance myself too.
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Hugs for you reinvent! You can always come to us if you are second guessing. We'll tell you you made the right decision!
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Yes I would only accept this kinds of behaviour under time sensitive situations, doesn't have to be emergency but if someone is at the store waiting to hear from me regarding a purchase or cooking dinner etc, I can understand if they call and text several times to get hold of me.
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He sounds like a teenager in a way. Having to give a blow by blow account for what you've done in the last 40 minutes would really be the last straw for me. I don't know what was going through his head that he lost control like that (as oppose to keeping it in check as you said he normally does), but it's just not cool. He's continuing to show you who he really is and its up to you to decide if you can accept it (I suspect not).
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Yes I think being able to hear and get each other is crucial in a relationship, you don't have to agree but you need to get the other person's point of view. I think that's just not happening here. He probably feels like you're not getting him either, I think because you have different communication styles, ways of thinking and doing things etc. Square peg, round hole... I think if you want to stay together, you're gonna have to learn to let things go rather than bringing up these kind of issues which then evolve into mega long relationship talks. You know I found if this is the way someone is wired, no amount of talking is going to change that and talking about it will only lead to more conflict.
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I don't think his statement is entirely wrong, you are good as playmates but don't do well when "rubber meets the road". Maybe it's your dynamic or maybe he has issues with not being able to empathise, but it's not entirely wrong to say you don't bring out the best in each other. Him being him makes you upset and you being you makes him upset. I would've interpreted that statement he made as an ending as well, like he thinks this isn't going to work. To the point of him being indirect, my ex C was like that, always trying to make it seem like what he's doing is in my favour or he's being considerate of me when he's trying to "sell" me an idea, when in fact it's just he wants to do it and there was no need for this as he could've just said what he wanted to do and I would've been fine with it. It annoyed me to no end because I'm a direct person and I need to deal with someone pretty straightforward themselves. But I didn't once point out my ex's hypocrisy, I simply responded with "I don't mind either way" to let him know he's not doing me any favours. I figured that's just how he handles things and made a mental note of it. We did have many small (very small!) conflicts and it'd evolve into a big talk for an hour or two. We'd make up in the end but the day's ruined, and the whole thing is exhausting. I think this is just what happens when two people don't gel well, even small conflicts seem difficult to resolve and communicate.
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Haha I see what you mean, I guess what works for some doesn't work for others!
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I don't see anything wrong with what he said in those situations lol, the weight loss comment is similar to what my boyfriend said to me when I talked about losing weight, maybe I have a different definition to some about "the right thing to say". To me as long as it's genuine, from the heart, without intention to influence or change you, and without intention to disrespect (eg saying yes you had a big butt when he knows you are self conscious about it), then it's fine with me.
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It's all good, current boyfriend is good at knowing what to say and when to say it, and more importantly when not to comment. Never had a problem in that regard. Smart guy that one
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Funny that one of my ex used to make comments like you don't need to wear make up, you don't need heels, I don't really like them (because he was a physio), you don't need to straighten your hair, I like it messy and curly, you don't need to lose weight, I like your belly (I'm not fat but had at the time gained 6kg and quite a muffin top during the relationship, I looked 3 months pregnant, so I wasn't happy with that at all and finally became motivated enough to lose most if not all of it after we broke up). I'm sure his intention was good, but it seemed to achieve the opposite. So I became slack with make up, and barely did my hair stopped wearing heels, because of these things he said. I never thought about all this until after we broke up, and after I lost weight and was able to fit into one of my more fitted skirts again, I did my make up and hair and wore heels along with the skirt, and I suddenly felt this confidence and pride in my appearance rushing back, that's when I realised that I had lost it along the way of this relationship. Current boyfriend doesn't make any comments about what he likes or doesn't like when it comes to my appearance, he just compliments whatever I wear (if he sees it for the first time he'll say that it's nice and he likes it), and tell me I'm beautiful, and that's it. I much prefer that. It shows that he's accepting of whatever I choose to do with my appearance and allowing me to be free to choose what I want. I never saw my ex's behaviour as controlling, but I don't think it's helpful. Sometimes making each other a better person in a relationship also includes being supportive of the other person take pride in their appearance.
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If giving you grief for going out with friends is something you expect from him (or at least not surprised if he does), something is definitely not right. Going out with friends should've been a non-issue to begin with, not even worth passing either of your minds as a potential point of contention or worth commenting on (other than "have fun!"). You should be able to do all these normal things without someone making a passive aggressive comment (however subtle it may be).
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It's not about being jealous though, if a woman sits on my partner's lap (at a party or anywhere), and he allows it, that shows a lack of boundaries and lack of respect of my relationship, and for that, I am fully right to be upset (or at least uncomfortable) about the incidence. Jealous to me is a negative term, where someone feels negative about something for unjustified reasons or based on pure speculation (their own imagination) with no basis. I would not use that word to describe when one partner has reason to suspect something is not quite right (and feel upset about that). In reinvent's case, it seems that the word jealous is an appropriate description. Also your parents case is interesting and slightly different still. Your dad is jealous or suspicious all the time because he himself is one who would cheat under the same circumstances, so he assumes everyone think that way. Like, "how could she not cheat if she was hit on by that handsome young man, I would if it were a hot young chick hitting on me."
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You know it's never all bad, it's good until the bad inevitably comes out again. Oh well, enjoy it for what it is!
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Yep very true. They're afraid that if they scare off this person, there's will be no one left, but that's often not true.
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Also you know sometimes people admit they have an issue, but is just a roundabout way of getting you to satisfy / fuel their unhealthy needs (eg getting you to explain yourself thereby gaining temporary comfort in knowing that he had nothing to worry about...until next time).
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I'm so sorry to hear this reinvent. This reminds me of his issue with his friend greeting you with a kiss and he expected you to apologise for it, now it sounds consistent with his jealousy issue. It's good that he recognised he has an issue, but not good enough that he still makes you explain yourself over his baseless suspicions because of his own issues. If he said "sorry I feel jealous over nothing, let me deal with it alone", that would be him making an attempt to improve. I don't see that happening here. If you feel it's a deal breaker, and I would agree it is one for me, you're better off making a decision sooner rather than later.