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Another online daing journal


reinventmyself
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I thought I would give a go at this journaling thing.

 

My friends do not partake in online dating and I don't really get feedback from anyone that does. Mostly my friends shake their heads and ask `why?'

 

I've been out of a relationship since May '14 and without rehashing all that has transpired I will say that online dating has changed considerably in the past 3 years. I've taken several breaks, mostly after meeting men looking for casual sex and men who are too afraid to put themselves out there and seem to put me in the drivers seat to pursue them and breath life into the situation. Neither of which I am comfortable with.

 

I am a young (as so I am told) 50 something yr old professional with a rich social life, so I am definitely not lonely. If I sense there is no momentum in a man that I meet I am quick to let it go seeing that I don't have a lot of free time and being with my friends is often a much better option.

 

After my last fail .. well I can't really call it a failed attempt, maybe a valuable lesson with dating someone I mentioned here in previous posts, that I had dated earlier this year and he made a return visit in Oct. He is clearly not ready for a relationship but I am very taken by him and we have amazing chemistry. With that being said he is dating others and at some point these things run their course and I opted out, not wanting to be part of the `rotation' and finding myself engaging in an intimate relationship with someone I did not have a commitment with. Mind you this is the first time in my life I tried to do this and much like I already knew I am not cut out for it. He still texts once in a while and says he misses me, but it messes with my emotions so the more distance I get the better. I wish things were different . . but it is what it is.

 

To keep my sanity during that time I continued to date others (not intimately) and the pace was wearing on me and creating all sorts of unneeded anxiety. During the holidays I pulled my profile but continued to communicate with one person who's schedule is opposite of mine for the time being so meeting was a challenge. During my time off during the holidays we met for breakfast and as much as I really didn't want to go, I was pleasantly surprised.

 

Now 3 dates later my current challenge is to see if this man can open up and let me in. Apparently I make him very nervous and at times he shuts down. I tried dating someone like him sometime ago and I thought in time he might let me in. After several weeks I realized it was never going to happen.

 

What I do like about my new friend is that he has some old school values much like mine, maybe a little more conservative. He noticed I pulled my profile (only for a break) and pulled his as well saying he typically only dates on person at a time to see where it goes. It's nice to not have to interpret someone's intentions and refreshing to know I am not part of someone rotation. We haven't so much as held hands yet which builds up that anticipation part that seems to be so fun and he's a good `dater'. I have met so many men who don't know how to date. .funny as that sounds, but true. I am enjoying this.

 

He is showing me that he does have sense of humor and enjoys giving me a hard time (playfully) I am optimistic that there is someone that I am able to connect with behind the shyness. He has assured me that he is typically not this way and has promised to open up.

 

I still have another friend I will see tonight. T and I have been dating for about 3 months now and as much as I like and I am attracted to him I just don't think we are relationship material. He's gone most weekends to see his son 8 hours away. He's so sweet and endearing but not very active, pretty much a couch kinda guy, very Christian and not much of a social drinker. (my social circle is!) He has a very naïve almost immature quality to him but I feel safe and cared for with him. I often wish I could see him as someone more than a friend but that certain quality is lacking. I don't see him often and have opted out a couple times lately, but I am looking forward to catching up tonight.

 

So this it. . at least for now.

I see my shy friend this weekend. M has invited me for a day trip to the local mountains and I am looking forward to it.

 

For now my profile is down . .tomorrow who knows!?

Edited by reinventmyself
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I spent the evening with T last night. He reminds me in so many ways why we aren't compatible but what's hard is that he's such a attractive & decent guy and I haven't met many of them in a some time. I've known him for over 3 mos now.

 

He's transferred here from up north and rents a room and I don't doubt for a minute he would go home given the opportunity.

He's gone most weekends to see his son (8hrs away)

He communicates inconsistently or at least not consistent enough to consider him potentially romantic

He logs on routinely to 4 different dating websites

He is somewhat non assertive and I get the sense he is waiting for me to give the green light for something more

I often wonder about his ex wife up north who lends him her only car while he's there and he takes her to and from work during his stay (at his own place) (don't want to be naïve)

 

She also shares her dating escapades with him so they appear amicable or more? (he doesn't appear to have a lot of respect for how she handles her life)

She was really miffed over the holidays when he worked overtime. . apparently it ruined her dating plans.

 

I honestly resist challenging any of this because if I did I may have to act on it and `I am not feelin' it . . at least for the most part so I leave it alone.

 

He wants to go away for the weekend later this month but that would cross over into something intimate and therefore I would have to have some clarity about some things and I would

need to be willing to do so.

I am reluctant to even go `there' and open that door. For the most part we seem to be just friends. . that date.

 

Besides my last two attempts at getting clarification about intentions didn't go well. Or I didn't hear what I wanted to I guess is a better way to describe it.

 

At this point I am not asking a man what his intentions are, instead I will wait until they ask me. . so there!

Edited by reinventmyself
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I am . .but I have dated men I have been attracted to but because we had different interests and lifestyle obstacles I ended it.

I don't want to get romantically involved with someone only to end it again.

I really waffle about this one.

I just keep figuring time will give me an answer

Neither one of us seem to be in any hurry

The proposed weekend trip may be the catalyst though

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I don't know, the ex-wife thing is a bit too close for comfort to me. I mean, he takes the time to go visit his son, which is very admirable, but driving the ex to work, sharing the car, her getting angry over his overtime and that it affected HER dating plans? Ehh...... something doesn't seem right to me. But that's just my opinion.

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. . so I just got a text from my new friend M.

He's the shy one who is promising to open up. He is definitely a better match for me as for as interests and lifestyle.

I don't know him well but what I do know of him I like

He just proposed turning our day trip to the mountains Saturday as overnight with separate bedrooms.

 

He is meeting a realtor up there to look at 3 different properties

I haven't answered him yet but I am inclined to say yes

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Another dating journal! I love dating journals haha will be following yourself intently

 

About T, I just wanted to add that a year ago when I first became single, I met a nice guy online, I wasn't attracted to him and didn't think he was LTR potential for me, but we got along really well and we "dated" for 2.5 months, which basically just consist of going out to dinner once or twice a week and exploring different cool restaurants, occasionally a movie (we split 50-50 for majority of the time). It was fun and I also consider him a friend more so than a date. He never made a move either so I assumed he wasn't interested in dating me either. I never had the urge to clarify things so to speak since I wasn't interested in anything more than good company. All of this is to say I can understand why you do it for as long as you have haha... But I guess if you do (even subconsciously) want more with him, maybe it's time to make a decision.

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T came into my life when I was wrestling with G. (the one I really liked, but didn't want a relationship and I was being intimate with G) I think I kept T in the picture as a means to not get anymore attached to G than I was. (didn't work)

I just don't think T and I are a `love connection' but I see no harm in keeping him as a friend. If I sensed his discomfort or the thought he was expecting more, I may feel differently. He's not easy to read and as I mentioned earlier I haven't asked.

 

The proposed weekend trip has got me wondering though. Nothing is firm and he's looking into his timeshares. I didn't respond either. I don't need to do anything today . . so this will wait until I have alittle more clarity.

 

Thanks for the input NLady :strawberry:

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so. . just to make things a little more complicated. I met someone during a break from the now exbf a little more than a year ago.

 

He has since relocated to the San Francisco area and I happen to travel there occasionally for work.

When I do go there I have dinner with him and he's no more than a friend and he has often asked to come and visit my area. (So Cal)

 

My last visit 7 wks ago he again mentioned visiting. We also have opposite schedules so talking on the phone is close to impossible and every so often I get a text. He's a nice man and if the situation was different we may actually be a good fit.

 

I was wondering if he was still going to keep his word and come down in January like we spoke but as the time began to draw near I have serious reservations due to our lack of contact and feeling that with no more communication than texting we are basically strangers again. (in keeping with my pattern of not clarifying things I am avoiding dealing with) If my memory serves me well he was expected this coming weekend. I was a little relieved as it was drawing nearer that it wasn't going to happen. . Until last night, I get a text! (mind you I am going to the mountains with my new friend M

 

He wants to come Sunday thru Monday, the 25th and 26th. Because he has talked about this for so long and not acted on it, my household has changed as I now have my 28 yr son living with me, having just recently moved in temporarily so staying with me is not an option.

 

He is getting a hotel room and coming in town. I have mixed emotions about this because he seems to have this attraction to me and I could have one in return, but it's not possible without at least some talk time to develop something of a connection. Seeing him a couple times a year with only texting in between does absolutely nothing for me.

 

My last visit up north he was very physical with me, kissing, touching and he seemed confused with my pulling back. He stayed in my hotel room, separate beds and I just didn't feel comfortable with a man who I have known of for a while but basically no face time with.

 

My gf gives me a hard time asking how many times I have shared a room with a man in the last year and not had sex. I refuse to count but it is kinda funny if I think about it long enough. I will engage in my ongoing practice 2 times this month alone. . lol

 

I am a one man kinda girl. Dating gives me anxiety. But I am trying to not put all my eggs in one basket so to speak. Some say it's the best way but I am really not sure at this point.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Just take him up on his offer of dinner. It's not sexual, it's not putting all your eggs in one basket, and you'll still get to see if any chemistry is there.

 

I have adopted this attitude lately . .that I don't have very much free time so I am learning to be choosey on how I spend it. My issue with this is I will dedicate 2 days to this (one work vacation day) for what purpose? It won't go anywhere due to schedules and distance. . and I have enough friends.

I know it's harsh. . but I am a reformed self- less person and have learned to be some what selfish in (hopefully) a healthy way.

 

Whining about it isn't doing any good this morning because I already agreed. . .So I need to wrap my head around this one differently and enjoy it.

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Pick something good off the menu - at the very least, you'll have had a great meal

 

Aside from his plane trip and hotel stay I feel I need to offer to pay for dinner.

 

He paid for a plane ticket for me this summer and we stayed (separate rooms haha) at beautiful winery. He was extremely generous and I feel I need to not only extend the invitation but show him my town and make some attempt to repay his generosity.

 

This is the main reason why I couldn't say no to his visit (that he's paying for)

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So my weekend up in the mountains was really nice and enjoyable. Too bad it rained the entire time. I was so looking forward to falling snow and it wasn't quite cold enough to turn the rain to snow or it would have been perfect. Weather wise

 

My friend made a gallant effort at trying to open up and not be so nervous. But what I have come away with it's not only the shyness that has me concerned but it's an overall lack of confidence that is not very attractive.

 

I mentioned before that I dated someone similar and hung in maybe longer than I should have thinking that once he was comfortable with me it would change. It's just another reminder that good bad or otherwise I need to accept people as they are, not as I hope they will be.

 

Having said that I will go out with him again. I do enjoy his company, we have a lot in common, I am attracted to him in a lot of other ways, (physically and his sense of humor, work ethic etc.) and we like to do a lot of the same things.

 

I am not hopeful that this will be forever after. I do know myself well enough that I prefer a man to be at least as assertive as I am or a little more. Not that I am overly assertive but can definitely hold my own.. .Maybe on a scale I would be a 7 or 8, kind of quite calm assertive person I would best describe myself. I am uncomfortable with the notion that I may be able to run over this man and he might just stand there and let me do it.

He may surprise me. . hoping.

 

. . to add: We got back from a wonderful dinner and he had the bathroom first to get ready for bed. I am sitting up on my bed watching tv and waiting my turn for the restroom. I am on the bed closest to the bathroom. He comes out and marches straight to his bed on the other side of the room and climbs in from the far side (I think walking between the beds to get in it was too close in proximity to me for him) With a sense of urgency he jumps in pulls the blanket up to his chin. All this in 5 seconds flat. (mind you I didn't expect, nor want anything intimate with him at this time)

 

Now we are pretty playful and sarcastic with each other so I do play a little with him about his nervousness and he laughs about it as well. I stared at him a little dumbfounded and in that moment this 6'2" handsome, rugged looking man looked more like frightened little child who would not have eye contact with me. Silence.

 

I got ready for bed and just to either rattle him and/or break the ice (because surely he wasn't capable) I came out jumped on his bed and put my head on his shoulder. Funny thing that the blanket was up under his chin. . I think he appreciated it and I did get a kiss or 2 out of him before I said goodnight and retired in my own bed.

 

He did wake me up in the morning by climbing in my bed and held me for a little bit. It was sweet and innocent and he was obviously making more of an effort.

Unfortunately he then apologized for it over breakfast and asked me, after the fact if it was ok. . .so much for the confidence.

 

I am not ready to give up on him quite yet. . but close.

Edited by reinventmyself
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I think maybe it was just nervousness about how much you were expecting. I get the sense that he didn't want you to feel uncomfortable, which is why he asked if it was okay. I thought all of it was rather cute!

 

Now that he knows you were comfortable with the cuddling and kissing, I hope it won't be an issue after this weekend. If he continues to act spontaneously and then apologizes for his behavior, then I'd get a little worried.

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Now that he knows you were comfortable with the cuddling and kissing, I hope it won't be an issue after this weekend.

 

I think her concern is his need for 'permission' to be x, y, z. It's the not taking the initiative.

 

 

He did wake me up in the morning by climbing in my bed and held me for a little bit. It was sweet and innocent and he was obviously making more of an effort.

Unfortunately he then apologized for it over breakfast and asked me, after the fact if it was ok. . .so much for the confidence.

 

LOL ! !

 

This lack of assertiveness in men has been a common obstacle in relatioships for me..dunno how I choose them. It's like I want someone emotional and then I struggle with him not taking initiative.

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Couldn't it be that he's just not attracted to you in that way?

 

Maybe, but from what he tells me, it's because he is very attracted to me and that's what makes him nervous.

He admitted that I am the first woman his kissed, post divorce from 2 years ago.

 

Prior to coming back to room we went to a local bar and listened to music, he was very affectionate in a nice way which surprised me and then back at the room he locked up.

 

He's been online dating for 4 mo's and says he typically doesn't call back after the 2nd date.

 

Lucky me, I think . .He contacts me a few times daily, has pulled his profile and it's been 4 dates and an overnight.

I am reserving judgment on this one for the time being. .time will tell

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