Another online daing journal

[faraday]

Maybe, maybe not.

3mos out of an 8 mo relationship I don't see myself as very fragile.

I am cosciously aware of what I'm doing and I'm navigating this as I go.

I'm not attached on any way.

I think I'll always have some level of disappointment about S.

For that matter I can look back at each experience with a certain level of disappointment

I believe in taking a break and healing but at the same time I don't think for most there is that defining moment when someone says they are 100% over the ending of a meaningful relationship.

If I was really looking to rebound I would have pushed the issue w K 2 1/2 mos ago.

One day at a time

 

One day you will not feel disappointed in the outcome with S. And that will be when you are truly over him.

 

How do I know? I had the same thing. So did ITIC, her "Mr Wow"...it takes months to get over it...you think you never will. It's so much harder than a normal break up...so it makes you feel like it was different...that it was special...but now that I'm fully removed my former situation...i can easily say...so glad it didn't work out. Not disappointed at all with the outcome...because I realize now how unhealthy it was...how unhealthy he was....how unhealthy I was.

 

Hindsight. One day, you'll totally feel different.

[reinventmyself]

I guess a better way to explain it is there are men in my past I am completely over. I would cross the street if I saw some of them coming. But there are certain aspects of the relationship that failed that I can still conjure up a sense of disappointment. The disappointment of a dream that didn't come to fruition.

 

I am sure I will feel that way about S. I don't want to be with him. He is not healthy for me. But I am disappointed in the way things turned out. No doubt that feeling will lesson with time and with it I take away some valuable lessons, if I haven't already.

 

For that matter, one of my least favorite people in the world is my ex H. I tolerate him because he's the father of my children. In his own weird way he tries but I do not care for his character or values. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him, yet 16 years later I still feel the disappointment of the loss of my family and how that all turned out even though I have a hard time being in the same room with him. (Mostly just because he's annoying and tries too hard to get my attention)

[faraday]

Fair enough. I don't understand it...after you've (General you) moved on, how can one have regret for someone that wouldn't have never worked? I can see having regrets about things in the past...like, if by doing something different, the outcome would have been different. But two incompatible people not working? That's not regrettable, that's destiny, imo. I really don't understand that regret when someone has moved on and is in love with someone else. Married to someone else. It seems unfair to the spouse to hold onto regret about an ex. Idk. Just me, I guess.

 

We did get off topic though. There is overwhelming evidence that you're not over S yet. And that's how this conversation began.

[reinventmyself]

Fair enough. I don't understand it...after you've (General you) moved on, how can one have regret for someone that wouldn't have never worked? I can see having regrets about things in the past...like, if by doing something different, the outcome would have been different. But two incompatible people not working? That's not regrettable, that's destiny, imo. I really don't understand that regret when someone has moved on and is in love with someone else. Married to someone else. It seems unfair to the spouse to hold onto regret about an ex. Idk. Just me, I guess.

 

I guess I am able to separate it. Separate the person and how I feel about them, personally. Seeing it separate from the relationship that I invested in, wanted to work and feeling that disappointment.

 

Yes. . I am not denying for minute that I have not totally healed from my relationship or my feelings for S.

But it is a work in progress and I am moving forward. . slowly.

[Ms Darcy]

I had dinner with K last night. I had mentioned to my therapist that as much as I am enjoying that this is going slow I am now a little suspect on why it's going at the pace it is.

 

I like him. I don't have romantic feelings for him. I think under other circumstances I could. It's not him. It's me. I don't think I am capable of having romantic feelings for anyone right now.

I still haven't gone a day with out thinking about S. It was 3 mo's yesterday since the last time I saw his face.

 

I'm not completely sure it's a sign of anything to be going slow with someone you are not that into. Well, a sign of anything other than it's easier to go slow when you are not that into someone.

[reinventmyself]

I am not sure what it means but when I am not in a relationship I sleep so much better. It doesn't have to do with having a partner in my bed. Those nights alone while even in a relationship my sleep is still sporadic. I was wondering if I would go back to sleeping better and yep, it's happened, again.

 

The only thing I can think of is I am not sleep deprived.

I think when you start falling behind it becomes anxiety provoking in a way. That and maybe wrestling with some subconscious or conscious issues that are going on.

 

It's nice to feel rested. Amazing actually. I forgot what that felt like.

[reinventmyself]

I saw K twice this week. Went to the movies and dinner last night. He was tired and pretty quiet which didn't help my mission to figure this friendship out.

 

So having said that, I give up. This is a good thing.

 

I suppose I was wrestling with what he was looking for so it would force me to figure out what exactly I wanted out of this.

 

Beauty of it, I don't need to do anything. We've settled into the friendzone.

 

What's funny is I know why I hesitate. Apparently he is hesitant to take it to another level but it remains a mystery as to why.

 

I know I could ask, but the bigger question is why I don't.

Honestly it doesn't matter. I suppose I'm afraid I might have to act on it.

He's good company and doesn't expect or require much.

At this point in my life it's about all I want right now, so it works.

I know this will run its course at some point. One of us will probably require more. . .or less.

He dropped me off last night with his car running and mentioned hanging out today.

I chuckled to myself as I was getting ready for bed, knowing darn well that any man interested in sex, after 2 1/2 months of dating wouldn't be too tired.

Not that it would have happened but I don't get a sense it's on his radar.

 

He continues to text me daily, has taken down his OLD profile.

It's perplexing for sure.

STD maybe, ED issues? My mind wanders.

Whatever, lol

It's a mystery I'm no longer curious about.

Friendzone. .

[Ms Darcy]

I didn't take a passive approach in dating. I figured out what I wanted and acted accordingly. The other benefit of that is that men FEEL when you are interested. And it helps fuel their interest.

 

It's kind of like putting your foot on the accelerator. If things in the car are working, the car will speed up. In other words the relationship will go forward.

 

On the other hand, if your foot isn't on the accelerator (or if there's obvious lack of interest from the woman), then it's no surprise the car overall slows down to a stop.

 

It doesn't really matter in this case though.

[reinventmyself]

I'm aware of this and I mirror his efforts.

I've tested him giving him clues. He takes one step fwrd one step back.

 

At the same time I need to be careful unless I'm willing to back it up.

 

For that matter the theory goes both ways. I was putting myself out there more last night than he was. He just matched my efforts while yawning.

I took him out to dinner for his birthday Wed and bought him a small gift (that's why he was tired. Long birthday week celebrating)

So I've done my part.

I won't throw myself at him.

I do recall him saying he dated someone casually for a while and I won't swear to it but he might have mentioned they weren't intimate?

At the same time he continues to want to see me on these terms. At least for now.

At this rate I don't feel a spark for either of us.

[WithLove]

At this point, I feel like you're spending time with each other for different reasons and none of them have to do with each other.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah, I don't think anyone should be throwing themselves at anyone else. But clues and hints ... This situation doesn't really count since it's not going anywhere. But if there is a someone else in the future, I would advise more of a middle ground.

[reinventmyself]

He asked if I wanted to go for a walk on the beach later. I declined.

I'm in a weird mood. I just finished making soup and I feel like isolating.

 

I don't know what I want and I'm not sure he does either.

I don't want or need to make it complicated.

Just two decent people with nothing better to do . . At the moment.

It's not a negative.

 

Honestly, last night at the movies while he had his hand on my leg and mine on his arm, I compared it to the sparks and electricity I felt when with S and it made me sad. It wasn't there.

But those I have felt that certain chemistry with were bad choices.

In so many ways I have so much more in common with K and he's not passive or insecure either

. . Just need to mull this over for awhile.

K travels for this week and when he returns, I have a work trip.

[reinventmyself]

Looking forward to the weekend. There is an airshow in my area. Interesting part it's a beach community? I guess there will be planes on display near the pier and planes flying overhead. It should be interesting and I know a lot of people who are going.

 

K comes in from out of town late tonight and I leave for an out of town work trip on Sunday.

 

He's asked me to go with him to the air show.

 

I bounced this relationship/friendship off a friend last night and she just shrugged and said `Eh, if it's not broke, don't fix it'

 

I have to admit that I am really enjoying my alone time. I am almost protective of it. Sunday I will have to myself. It's good.

It's so much like the old me I think I lost along the way several years ago. It's nice to have her back again.

 

I'm also looking fwd to my work trip. I fly out Sunday and I have my routine. Check in to my hotel and go to the Sushi bar down the street and read a book while I eat sushi. Better yet, I put my dinner on my expense report.

 

At this time in my life dating is highly overrated. That may change. But for now, this is good.

[reinventmyself]

It's weird. Having just read Sportsters update, I can relate.

Though he states it much more eloquently than I ever could, it's true. I think my experiences with S and M prior, not to mention my LTR with B have not only broken me, but have set me free.

I feel frozen while with K. I can't see myself crossing that line with him or any man for that matter.

I've grieved this this. I still do.

Not about the personalities any more but about letting go of that part of my vision where I thought my life would feel complete with a partner.

At the same time I'm grieving, it's overlapped and being replaced with a feeling of being set free.

My life is full. I look around me and I am grateful.

I sit here in a lab waiting with 30 other walk ins for routine bloodwork. It's been a hour and I'm no where close to the top of list

I'll be rushing for my 'date' that I should be more excited about.

[reinventmyself]

I had a nice day with K. Even though I am really not that spiritual, I said a little prayer before I left to meet him.

I asked for some sort of sign.

 

So here I am after walking out of K's home and after he finally tried to escalate things after almost 3 mos of dating. I'm home. I told him no.

 

I did finally ask him alot of bold questions that my therapist pushed me to ask weeks ago.

 

Weird as I feel closer to him today for having done it, I still left to come home, alone. Up til now all we've done is chat about superficial things.

 

I'm stuck. . or free.

Not entirely sure which at the moment

[Sportster2005]

It's weird. Having just read Sportsters update, I can relate.

Though he states it much more eloquently than I ever could, it's true. I think my experiences with S and M prior, not to mention my LTR with B have not only broken me, but have set me free.

I feel frozen while with K. I can't see myself crossing that line with him or any man for that matter.

I've grieved this this. I still do.

Not about the personalities any more but about letting go of that part of my vision where I thought my life would feel complete with a partner.

At the same time I'm grieving, it's overlapped and being replaced with a feeling of being set free.

My life is full. I look around me and I am grateful.

I sit here in a lab waiting with 30 other walk ins for routine bloodwork. It's been a hour and I'm no where close to the top of list

I'll be rushing for my 'date' that I should be more excited about.

 

Come to the dark side,,,,,,, we have cookies.

 

Seriously, I feel better and better everyday. It's hard to explain. I still love women. I still enjoy them, maybe even more now. I don't approach any social situation as a single person. I approach it as a whole person. I'm optimistic about my future when it comes to romance. Letting it go and mourning it gives me power and control.

 

I was talking to a gal pal the other day who is in a similar place. She gets it. She asked me if I would ever date again. I said I really don't know. As of this moment it has no priority in my life. I paused and thought about it a bit. I would never say no to an amazing woman who came into my life. But I stipulated, it's going to take one he11 of a woman, and she's going to have to do some, if not most, of the chasing initially.

 

Try not dating for a while. Don't quit. Don't do anything but stop for a while.

[reinventmyself]

Come to the dark side,,,,,,, we have cookies..

 

Thanks for the giggle, Sportster(;

 

I've stopped going to therapy but I am inclined to go back one more time, just to give him a hard time. I really respect my therapist and my work with him has been invaluable. But. . He married his high school sweetheart and he may be good at what he does but there are some things he can't possibly know not having had the experience first hand or dated for that matter.

 

He insisted more than once that I ask K some pretty bold questions about his intentions and expectations. Now, I don't have a hard time doing that but my argument was that if I were to do so, I best be in a position to step up. He insisted I didn't need to do anything. OK. . makes sense, sorta. But I still hesitated for a reason.

Well, my inquiry did open a can of worms that I cannot easily put back now. Just like I suspected.

In turn K asks me what I am looking for in return and my answer in the moment was, I wasn't sure.

 

I share a little bit of my history as well as being on the fence as to whether I even want a relationship all together.

I thanked him for taking his time and not rushing things because it not only gave me time to get my balance from my last relationship, it afforded me an opportunity to get to know him as a friend and figure things out.

 

I could see his confusion. Especially having just been prompted to put himself on the line. I suppose he could have felt a little set up in a way.

 

"So what are you telling me?" He asks. I stumble over my words.

 

I could see for him, it was confusing and a little bit of mixed message of sorts.

Exactly what I was afraid was going to happen.

I left and told him I needed to think.

 

I feel bad. I should have just left it alone.

[reinventmyself]

I get to the airport 30 mins ago just to get a text notification that my flights delayed. It happens everytime I leave here to go home.

3 hour wait. . . Grrr

[Sportster2005]

Thanks for the giggle, Sportster(;

 

I've stopped going to therapy but I am inclined to go back one more time, just to give him a hard time. I really respect my therapist and my work with him has been invaluable. But. . He married his high school sweetheart and he may be good at what he does but there are some things he can't possibly know not having had the experience first hand or dated for that matter.

 

He insisted more than once that I ask K some pretty bold questions about his intentions and expectations. Now, I don't have a hard time doing that but my argument was that if I were to do so, I best be in a position to step up. He insisted I didn't need to do anything. OK. . makes sense, sorta. But I still hesitated for a reason.

Well, my inquiry did open a can of worms that I cannot easily put back now. Just like I suspected.

In turn K asks me what I am looking for in return and my answer in the moment was, I wasn't sure.

 

I share a little bit of my history as well as being on the fence as to whether I even want a relationship all together.

I thanked him for taking his time and not rushing things because it not only gave me time to get my balance from my last relationship, it afforded me an opportunity to get to know him as a friend and figure things out.

 

I could see his confusion. Especially having just been prompted to put himself on the line. I suppose he could have felt a little set up in a way.

 

"So what are you telling me?" He asks. I stumble over my words.

 

I could see for him, it was confusing and a little bit of mixed message of sorts.

Exactly what I was afraid was going to happen.

I left and told him I needed to think.

 

I feel bad. I should have just left it alone.

 

I think you did the right thing. He now has more information available to him to figure out what he's going to do next. He has a better sense of where this is going, or not going. Although it's a mixed message, I think it's a valuable message.

 

Knowing he's dating someone who is getting to know him as a friend is extremely important to know, IMO. And learning you're a little shaky after your relationship is also good to know. It may not be what he wants to hear. But it is more fair to both of you. You can't help how you feel. You can't stay silent and hope all the anxiety goes away.

 

If he sticks around now, he does so, eyes wide open.

[Silverbirch]

I get it. Its just how I feel. Its very strange that at my age, it seems that I attract a fair amount of men to me. Im not 100% sure why, but I think part of it is because Im not looking. Its got to the point where its a bother that a lot of men want to know if Im single, and I don't actually like being asked. My friend has suggested that I make up a story of being married and wearing a wedding ring.

[Silverbirch]

. . . be prepared for people who will tell you that if you went to counseling you wouldn't feel that way.

 

I have found that I have a lot more time to pursue my own interests when I'm single, and I meet lots more people.

[reinventmyself]

. . . be prepared for people who will tell you that if you went to counseling you wouldn't feel that way.

 

I have found that I have a lot more time to pursue my own interests when I'm single, and I meet lots more people.

 

I just finished round 10 (sarcasm) of therapy. But I have plenty. I get that I have unavailability/attachment issues.

After so many years you just come to peace with it.

It's a good thing.

That coupled with my lack of tolerance and independence. . I may be lost cause. At least in the relationship dept.

I wish I could go the FWB route. I am just not wired that way. . .darn it. It would be perfect if I could.

 

Having said that I have agreed to my Wed night dinner with K tonight. We meet there after work and drive home separately.

My guess at some point he'll get frustrated and run.

 

We had been going out on Saturdays. I am half expecting an invitation for this Saturday but a friend is having a Halloween Party and most of my friends are single at the moment and I really don't want to bring a date. . .and I won't

[reinventmyself]

Seeing I have plans tomorrow K has asked to see me tonight.

 

Based on how our date went last Saturday and the tone of his texts, that coupled with him wanting me to come to his house before and after dinner, I think he's hoping sex will happen.

.

The thought makes me feel really uncomfortable and I may have to end this tonight seeing this has likely run its course for me.

[Silverbirch]

H

I just finished round 10 (sarcasm) of therapy. But I have plenty. I get that I have unavailability/attachment issues.

After so many years you just come to peace with it.

It's a good thing.

That coupled with my lack of tolerance and independence. . I may be lost cause. At least in the relationship dept.

I wish I could go the FWB route. I am just not wired that way. . .darn it. It would be perfect if I could.

 

Having said that I have agreed to my Wed night dinner with K tonight. We meet there after work and drive home separately.

My guess at some point he'll get frustrated and run.

 

We had been going out on Saturdays. I am half expecting an invitation for this Saturday but a friend is having a Halloween Party and most of my friends are single at the moment and I really don't want to bring a date. . .and I won't

 

I just think it's so wrong that people should be labelled as having a type of pathology if they make that choice - well wasn't that long ago that people who were gay were labelled as having a mental illness. I think people should be free to make that choice without having that negative judgement made on them. I'm just going to disassociate with those people as much as I can. I'm not completely closed to the idea of ever entering a relationship, but I've learnt I am much happier, have a much better life than being with anyone whose behaviour brings me down. I would also have to be compatible in many ways. Being happily single and pursuing my happiness leaves me open to either remains happy on my own or meeting someone who is genuinely right rather than just "settling".

[Silverbirch]

Ps and if being a single woman is so unnatural, why is it that single women statistically live longer than married ones?