Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

When I first met up with S in November we sat and talked for hours. We talked about us and what to do going forward. I asked him if he was dating anyone else and his response was no. Well, I am not certain if I asked if he was `seeing' anyone or dating anyone. At least to me there is a difference between the two but I am splitting hairs here.

 

With that I agreed to go back to his house and stay the night with him that night. Had he said there was anyone else involved, I would not have. I would have continued to talk to him and navigate it from there, but I absolutely would not have gone back to his house that night. I just shared with him that my decision to stay that night was a calculated on based on the answers he gave me.

 

I also asked him if had sex with anyone during our 4 month break and he said he had not. I would not have had sex with him that night had he been with someone else. I would have wanted to redo the std testing if it were the case. There are a lot of things I admire about S and his integrity is one of them. I am not trusting at times, but S has never given me reason to not trust him.

 

Fast forward, over the weekend he mentions he had seen a movie that was in the theatres just prior to that day we met up.

It stuck with me for a few days and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't let it go so I asked him.

 

In his words he that he had dated someone (I have no issue with that) and had come to conclusion it wasn't going anywhere just prior to us meeting up. It hadn't amounted to anything up 'til that point and with my return to the scene it reinforced his conclusion. He states he hadn't seen her for a couple weeks but I pointed out that he was out of town for the 2 weeks he is trying to take credit for.

The problem with this is that he told her he couldn't see her anymore - after I stayed the night. He admits he `fudged' the timeline some. . hmmm.

 

I told him the correct answer to my question would have been `I've been dating someone, but it's not serious' Not. . `No'

 

I am ok with some of this Some of it I am struggling with. Again I am splitting hairs but it's possible I may have asked if he was 'seeing anyone'. Seeing implies something different. . Again I am splitting hairs here. After all, I too dating someone that didn't amount to anything and had he asked I would have been totally honest and not fudged the timeline or truth. (he didn't ask)

 

Now I am stuck with the idea if he could `fudge' the truth on this . . what else is he capable of fudging?

[WithLove]

That's rough. Did he sleep with her?

[reinventmyself]

That's rough. Did he sleep with her?

 

He says no. The S I know I believe but after further conversation last night I am second guessing everything.

The S I thought I knew would have told me straight up what what was going on.

He also said he didn't want to say anything that might screw it up. Well, that benefitted him. What about me?

[WithLove]

My last ex, J, told me in the beginning that he was okay not having kids. 4 months into the relationship, he admitted to that being a lie and in fact he wanted them more than anything. When I asked him why he lied, he said "I didn't want to screw anything up".

 

What about us, indeed?

[reinventmyself]

. .add in what does it say about their connection that he ended it in an email?

[notalady]

Yes I hate that feeling of finding out that I had been lied to, however small it is.

 

Z (if you recall), loved to "fudge" around timelines and tell "white lies", but they're not white lies to me when he's the beneficiary of the lies, not me. He told me he dated someone for 3 months when broken up with his ex, before they got back together. And when she asked him after they got back together, he said he didn't date anyone, because he didn't want to upset her. (Rrrrright....)

 

I don't think he thought lying is a big deal, if he can justify it (and it's usually "to not upset you"). He did that with his ex too with stories he told me.

 

Do you think that's how S thinks about lying? That it's not a big deal? Was he apologetic for having lied?

[reinventmyself]

Do you think that's how S thinks about lying? That it's not a big deal? Was he apologetic for having lied?

 

In the moment (before I decided to go home with him) I may have asked him `Are you seeing anyone' or is `there someone else"

I may not have used the word 'dating'

Had he asked me the same - I did date someone. . But I wouldn't refer to him as someone - I was seeing.

It was a day to day thing. To me that's dating.

 

So I get how he might have felt inclined to say no. I might have answered the same way. Had I had a few dates with someone, yes. Was I seeing him? -no.

 

When I brought it up last night over the phone, I didn't preface it much and was very matter of fact. One probably couldn't tell what I was feeling in that moment.

What did impress me is that he didn't hedge one bit. He was quick to clarify things and volunteered that he may have fudged the timeline because to him, she wasn't significant enough to have it factor into anything.

 

I can relate to the words he was using as he described their time together. `It was just something to do' . That's exactly how I would describe my time with K, who I dated while S and I weren't talking. It was day to day and it didn't go anywhere.

 

I sat quietly while S volunteered and explained the timeline and he volunteered apologies without me yet stating how I felt about the whole thing.

It wasn't until after he was done that I told him that my decision to go home with him was based on the answers he gave me at the time.

From there he felt even more responsible, apologetic and understood how I would feel.

 

Honesty is important to him. In the year that I have known him he hasn't even come close to a minor contradiction.

But the whole thing still has me rattled some.

[notalady]

Sounds like an honest communication then. If I've only been on a few dates with someone, and someone was asking me if I was dating or seeing anyone (either), I would've said no. I do agree a few dates is insignificant enough that it doesn't even count. Of course, I would also not at a later date be talking about "oh I saw this movie with a date" when I know it's the time I've said I'm not dating or seeing anyone, as I would deem it unnecessary information if I had deemed the "a few dates" unnecessary information the first time round. I would've simply said "I saw this movie". That's it, no context needed as to who was present.

 

I think all I can say is that perhaps he's too honest in that instance to share who he had gone to the movies with.

 

Edit to add: just realised it's unclear whether he only went on a few dates or was it consistent dating for a period of time, until you reconnected (minus 2 weeks when he's been away...)

[reinventmyself]

Sounds like an honest communication then. If I've only been on a few dates with someone, and someone was asking me if I was dating or seeing anyone (either), I would've said no. I do agree a few dates is insignificant enough that it doesn't even count. Of course, I would also not at a later date be talking about "oh I saw this movie with a date" when I know it's the time I've said I'm not dating or seeing anyone, as I would deem it unnecessary information if I had deemed the "a few dates" unnecessary information the first time round. I would've simply said "I saw this movie". That's it, no context needed as to who was present.

 

I think all I can say is that perhaps he's too honest in that instance to share who he had gone to the movies with.

 

He didn't volunteer that he went with someone.

It was just when we were choosing a movie to rent on Sunday that particular movie was just released to dvd and he said he had seen it.

 

K had wanted to see the movie about the time we stopped dating and it was the first of Nov. The night in question with S was something like the 21st of Nov.

Like I said earlier. I picked up on it and tried my best to dismiss it and let it go.

I wish I had never asked to begin with.

[notalady]

Edit to add: just realised it's unclear whether he only went on a few dates or was it consistent dating for a period of time, until you reconnected (minus 2 weeks when he's been away...)

 

I edited to add this in the end, I think it might be when you were replying.

[reinventmyself]

I edited to add this in the end, I think it might be when you were replying.

 

given this situation, what would you do?

[notalady]

given this situation, what would you do?

 

Did he only go on a few dates or was it "dating until two weeks ago" before you reconnected? I think that makes a difference to me.

[reinventmyself]

He went on a number of dates with her. `off and on' as he put it. I didn't ask how many.

He said he hadn't seen her 2 weeks prior to meeting up with me, but I clarified that he actually had been out of town for those 2 weeks.

(hard to date someone when you're in another country, so let's be real about this)

 

I met him near the airport where he flew in for a day and half, just to fly back out mid trip.

I assume he emailed her to tell her good bye because where he had to fly back to has no cell service.

 

He offered to send me the email, but I declined.

He returned maybe 5 days later. Gone about 15 days total.

[notalady]

I think I would just continue to observe. It's kinda hard to jump straight to "oh ok, since he said so, it must be so", since he didn't offer that information to begin with and now have you in doubt.

 

If this is the only time he's lied about / hidden anything to you, I would let it go and just see how things pan out. If there's any more instances, then I would consider it a red flag.

[Sportster2005]

I don't think you were splitting hairs. When you ask someone if they dated in between, it's a real simple question. I think most people understand what the intent of the question is. There's no need to slice and dice between shades of "seeing someone", "dating someone".

 

I don't consider it a 'fudge' or a 'white lie'. It strikes me as downright deceptive. He's sorry and apologetic because you caught him. It may seem noble to apologize and confess after the crime. But it still means a crime took place.

 

I would have a hard time trusting someone after this. I understand why he lied. It's a difficult time to tell the truth. But anyone can tell the truth when it's easy.

 

It may not have been pleasant, but I really think he should have simply been more open.

[reinventmyself]

There's more to the story. I just don't want to get hung up in the details

.

I asked him Sunday if he dated and with out hesitation he volunteered dating the girl in question and two others

 

I kinda reeled wondering if I heard him right the first time in November. Had I asked him correctly? 'Are you seeing anyone?' I can't recall. Did I hear only what I wanted to hear?

 

So 2 mos later when the timing of the movie came up and the timing behind so close and still feeling stunned I asked for clarification last night

 

 

I'm bugged.

I can't shake it.

[Batya33]

Here's why it's irrelevant for the most part, IMO. You wrote

 

"but I pointed out that he was out of town for the 2 weeks he is trying to take credit for"

 

If that is your dynamic together when talking about trust issues, then it's obvious you don't trust him and he knows that. He should not lie. And both of you deserve to be with someone where there's a basic trust. Now, sure, my husband fudges the truth about the age of leftovers in our fridge so I might do some more investigation but it wouldn't occur to me that he would try to fudge on an obvious/important issue like that. And in your case he may have been just calculating the time period and you read into it an attempt to evade the truth -not a great sign for trust between you.

[faraday]

What is with husbands and leftovers? Mine puts away the food after dinner, and he's supposed to label and date everything because he forgets how old things are (and because I didn't put them away, I'm not always sure which leftover tomato sauce is which -or whatever)...he'll always claim everything is a "few days old" even when the meal planner says it's like 3 weeks old. Sooooo gross. I can't trust him with food dates at all.

 

 

Regarding your situation reinvent...I'm not sure what to think. For me, I would have answered it differently depending on if you had asked it in past tense or present tense. So when you asked him back in November, if you had said, "have you dated anyone in our time apart?" I would think he was lying with his answer...but if you had asked, "are you dating anyone right now?" I would be more ambivalent about his answer because he ended things right away, and there was the 2 week gap (even if it was a result of him being gone).

 

I do think that trust is the most important thing in a relationship...and if you don't have that...it's going to be an uphill battle.

[reinventmyself]

We did have a long talk last night. I intended on waiting until tonight because I will see him in person.

Never the less I find it telling that he's the one who seems takes my temperature, so to speak.

I, on the other hand am telling him about my day and other meaningless things over a quick phone call good night.

It was late, though I still had some things on my mind there wasn't enough time to address it.

It could wait until tonight.

 

In the end he asks me in a pointed way `how are you?' 'Is there anything we need to talk about?' He is asking in a very genuine way.

Honestly, anyone with anything to hide would not be opening the door for another conversation about it.

 

In summary, as much as he understands how I feel, for him it was pretty insignificant. Recounting the one woman he dated. It was not progressing. The past couple

times he went out with her he knew he wasn't going to reciprocate her growing feelings. He was busy with work and the distance was growing. He was hoping for a slow fade.

I was back in picture and he knew he had to do something more concrete about it because she was trying to contact him. Hence the email.

 

It's hard to share in type the conversation because I can't adequately share the nuances and other details.

Let's just say, based on his explanation last night things are clearer for me now and everything is ok.

[WithLove]

My vote is to move past it, but keep it in mind. It's a "strike against him", in my opinion, because he wasn't entirely truthful. I'd keep it in mind in case you catch him in a lie again.

[Batya33]

What is with husbands and leftovers? Mine puts away the food after dinner, and he's supposed to label and date everything because he forgets how old things are (and because I didn't put them away, I'm not always sure which leftover tomato sauce is which -or whatever)...he'll always claim everything is a "few days old" even when the meal planner says it's like 3 weeks old. Sooooo gross. I can't trust him with food dates at all.

 

 

Regarding your situation reinvent...I'm not sure what to think. For me, I would have answered it differently depending on if you had asked it in past tense or present tense. So when you asked him back in November, if you had said, "have you dated anyone in our time apart?" I would think he was lying with his answer...but if you had asked, "are you dating anyone right now?" I would be more ambivalent about his answer because he ended things right away, and there was the 2 week gap (even if it was a result of him being gone).

 

I do think that trust is the most important thing in a relationship...and if you don't have that...it's going to be an uphill battle.

Mine never believes in the science about what's ok to eat and for how long. Ugh. Have you looked the web site still tasty.com? It's pretty good. I worry when my son gets older he'll eat the gross leftovers

[reinventmyself]

Mine never believes in the science about what's ok to eat and for how long. Ugh. Have you looked the web site still tasty.com? It's pretty good. I worry when my son gets older he'll eat the gross leftovers

 

I have so many saved links from Tasty. I can't get to them all.

 

I will tell you one of them I did try was fantastic!

-Add eggs to turkey stuffing and put it in a Bundt pan and bake it. You slice it like a loaf of bread and pour gravy on it.

 

I was so excited when each family member walked in the door. They were greeted with `Look at my stuffing!'

They thought I was nuts. I'll never make any other way again.

[Batya33]

I have so many saved links from Tasty. I can't get to them all.

 

I will tell you one of them I did try was fantastic!

-Add eggs to turkey stuffing and put it in a Bundt pan and bake it. You slice it like a loaf of bread and pour gravy on it.

 

I was so excited when each family member walked in the door. They were greeted with `Look at my stuffing!'

They thought I was nuts. I'll never make any other way again.

 

LOL I meant stilltasty.com to check if food is still good.

[reinventmyself]

LOL I meant stilltasty.com to check if food is still good.

 

oh. . ha ha

 

game change

[Larkin]

Didn't Paul Simon do a song about that - Still tasty after all these years...

 

Or, something like that...I could be wrong...