Another online daing journal

[Batya33]

Is it $75 for a cleaning of your whole house? I have a 1 br and if able, I would totally hire a cleaner once in a while. I hate cleaning.

 

For us yes - apartment, two bedroom, two bath and they bring their own supplies and vacuum

[reinventmyself]

So how'd your couch-and-Netflix weekend work out for you, Reinvent? Yesterday K and I spent a lot of the afternoon in his bed watching Scrubs on Netflix and rubbing on each other. It was super nice and made me happy.

 

Oh no . .I was fantasizing about the weekend of the 25th when I do get to do this!

 

Between now and than I will be keeping this pace. It's wearing on me some. But I am not going to complain. (well maybe a little)

 

I remember a relationship from almost 10 years ago. I had this same job with long hours and he was super needy and I had to

spend every fricken' day with him (until I hit the wall and ended it) I remember sleeping my car during my lunch hour and about

once month calling in sick and not tell him. . . Just so I could have some time to myself. It was ridiculous

 

S doesn't fly for the family in the colder months but starting the end of this month he'll be gone more than he's home.

So I am trying to pack in this time while it's here. It's getting dicey, but I am ok. One more 3 day weekend to go and maybe one midweek visit. 5 day work week at 11 hours each. OK. . I am starting to whine, so I'll stop here.

 

I loved your description of your weekend, WL. . Good for you. You deserve it

[reinventmyself]

For us yes - apartment, two bedroom, two bath and they bring their own supplies and vacuum

I have a 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath townhome. My oldest son lives with me and he doesn't trust people in his room.

So, I actually close 2 bedroom doors and she does what's left.

 

She's neither licensed or bonded and that's why she's probably cheap. I had a legitimate service a while back that charged twice as much.

I was originally really nervous having someone come and go when I'm not there and not being legitimate, I could easily regret it.

But she came highly recommended from a friend and she's been great.

[reinventmyself]

deleted. . . . .yikes

It was photo of the flowers S sent me.

included with my full name, work address etc.

A little overexposed

[WithLove]

Aww man, wish I could have seen them! Glad S sent you something special!

[reinventmyself]

S came up last night and stayed the night.

He tends to worry about things more than I do.

I can be very much like him but over time I have learned to try to live in the moment and trust that the rest will work out.

 

It's coming up time for him to start traveling for work again.

Add in he plays tennis on Saturday mornings , he's got a class on Monday and Wednesday, he wants to find time to visit his sons

and grandkids in another state coming up soon.

 

I get that he's trying to fit everything in and make everyone happy and it's challenging, but at some point I heard enough about it over the course of the week and last night, that I felt that maybe I am more or less the catalyst to making this hard for him. Honestly, everything he was concerned about is very doable, without me in the picture.

Part of me is glad that he shares what's on his mind but at some point I start to feel bad and take it a little personally . Am I or this relationship cramping his style?

 

LDR's are not easy. When we talked about reconciling and went over our challenges, he articulated the distance was hard for him. I agree.

I too have things that I compromise on in order to see him but I don't mention them, at least not to the degree that he has been or I risk making him feel bad that he might be holding me back or getting in the way. I am not stressed about compromising. By the looks of it he is.

 

Honestly, everything I do is a choice. I am not going to whine about it. Besides, in a couple weeks I'll have more time on my hands then I know what to do with.

 

I didn't sleep well. I woke up an hour before my alarm and tried to sneak out of bed and he woke up and caught me. I shared him what was on my mind. I actually got a little emotional. Wouldn't he be better off with someone close by that fit into his crazy schedule? He said all the right things but there is always the risk at some point this will be too much for him. . for either of us.

 

There are no guarantees. I am a big girl.

But I don't like feeling that I challenged myself to invest more emotionally into a relationship than I ever have before to end up feeling so vulnerable.

The temptation to shore up and pull away is strong right now.

I guess it comes with the territory.

 

Feeling a little tired and fragile this morning.

[reinventmyself]

Uhg. . I can't shake the minor insecurity spell I am having.

I am going south to see S today and will stay until Monday. He's been unusually quiet since we last spoke in person early Thursday morning.

Is there some truth to him second guessing our relationship? Am I making something out of nothing?

 

He's entitled to reevaluate things. It's necessary and I do the same. But the reality of what could be fragile and would come undone is a part of life.

 

He's not a phone person. We chat every night before bed. Well .. I chat, he listens. I am always the one that ends the conversation to say good night, typically

because I am the one who needs to get up early. That and he's just too kind to end it.

 

Last night he cut the conversation short to say good night. Unlike him and it caught me off guard.

I am in limbo. We hadn't firmed up what time he expects me.

Two things to consider this morning, the weather and if he'll play tennis.

 

I feel I've reached out more in the last couple days and need to step back and let him catch up.

So . .I sit and wait to hear from him.

 

I am predicting it will be a long wait this morning.

I hate this feeling. I think we are both just pulling back in anticipation of him going back to work, the lesser time together and the possible drama we had last year

because of it all.

 

The urge to do preemptive strikes and bail is strong again.

I'd rather kill it then ride it out.

I won't . . .but it's how I feel sometimes

[Sportster2005]

The urge to do preemptive strikes and bail is strong again.

I'd rather kill it then ride it out.

I won't . . .but it's how I feel sometimes

 

It's going to be difficult to avoid the dynamics that happened before. You both need to be committed to stay on guard against old ghosts haunting you. Try to stay positive and let it unfold naturally. Do as I say, not as I do

[reinventmyself]

I had a nice weekend with S and returned home last night.

 

We had a productive talk yesterday and I am hopeful that it helps some seeing we will only see each other twice and the next 3 weeks.

I pointed out to him that we've been getting along so well and I can't help but wonder if spending regular time together was one of the reasons. Funny he hadn't even considered it.

 

After some further discussion he mentioned that while in the military service they were counseled that often times couples subconsciously will start a riff prior to deployment. It was a way to (in a weird way) ease the transition to being gone because after all you didn't really care for your partner prior to leaving because of the drama that was stirred up. It was a relief to get away and have a break.

 

I replayed one of our arguments that, still to this day, doesn't make sense to me and it just so happened to be while he was home for a few days and getting ready to leave for more.

 

I have to admit I was a little emotional. I had been feeling vulnerable prior to this and seeing that I've made a concerted effort to open up and be vulnerable with him, telling him how I felt wasn't easy. I reminded him that when we worked on reconciling he said that he felt he was more invested then I was and this time around I have worked to change that. As a result I feel crazy, vulnerable. As it should be - but it's scares the beejeebies out me.

 

When I first opened up the discussion, he immediately shot it down. Not in a bad way but he like I said previously, it wasn't something he had considered. In my own typical way, I remove myself from the situation. I went upstairs. I came down shortly after and he had a moment to think about it and opened the conversation back up. Which as a good thing because for a moment I felt like I was the only one who was struggling with what appeared to be our problem, not just mine. And seeing that a lot of the tensions theme was about trust I really wanted to have a conversation about it and not just throw some hail mary and a goodbye kiss and see you in a while!

 

Last week S had told me my valentines gift was at his house.

I saw him midweek at my home, but didn't see the gift until I arrived on Saturday.

S orders supplies for this wealthy family he supports and we've often joked about ordering a legitimate massage table from one of the catalogs that he gets monthly. I arrive there to find a massage table in the extra bedroom! Covered in synthetic lambs wool and sheets.

A quart of massage oil . .and

 

That's all I'll say about that . the rest will have to up to anyone's imagination.

[reinventmyself]

So, here we go. S is away and I feel the shift. His only means of communication is Skype or email.

Maybe it's me, I don't know.

 

I'm meeting one group of girlfriends tomorrow for happy hour and my best friend just asked me if I was meeting everyone to listen to our favorite band Saturday night. The band doesn't start til.9.

 

Ad much as S said he was learning to deal with it on his own (and he really has) this may test his patience. Short of sitting home alone at night there's nothing I can do to make this better for him.

I feel anxious.

[Batya33]

So, here we go. S is away and I feel the shift. His only means of communication is Skype or email.

Maybe it's me, I don't know.

 

I'm meeting one group of girlfriends tomorrow for happy hour and my best friend just asked me if I was meeting everyone to listen to our favorite band Saturday night. The band doesn't start til.9.

 

Ad much as S said he was learning to deal with it on his own (and he really has) this may test his patience. Short of sitting home alone at night there's nothing I can do to make this better for him.

I feel anxious.

 

Sorry you feel anxious. Why in the world would he want you "sitting at home" unless you wanted to be?

[reinventmyself]

Sorry you feel anxious. Why in the world would he want you "sitting at home" unless you wanted to be?

 

Exactly. . . .

[Fudgie]

What is he afraid of happening? Did he voice this to you?

[reinventmyself]

What is he afraid of happening? Did he voice this to you?

 

His personal experience with going to bars with single people and alcohol is that people are there for a lot of reasons and one of them is to meet someone and/or hook up. .

Well of course they are! Duh. There is no disputing that.

 

I took him to a friends party the other night. In a hotel, live band and alcohol and we could see people go from getting friendly, familiar and disappearing together. Of course that happens and there is not disputing that either.

But he's not dating them, he's dating me.

 

I pointed out that I understood that it's an 'opportunity rich environment' but it's no difference than the tennis club he's at daily, yet I don't have an issue with it and nor am I going to say anything. The place is outnumbered by women and he's dated some of them.

I told him if I didn't trust him, I wouldn't be with him, period.

 

I am applying the principle ` to seek to understand'

So I am not trying to be right about this, but to understand how he feels about it.

And I have to admit this isn't a once in while thing I do.

If I am not seeing him or he's away. . it's about 2 to 3 times a week.

 

I also have to be fair and admit that if the roles were reversed I might have some reservations as well.

I'd check them nevertheless. . but I might have them.

 

Most of my girlfriends are single. . some of them are a little on the wild side too as well as on a man hunt.

And then there's me

 

Our last talk I shared with him that between my work schedule and seeing him 2 hours away

I have to make the effort to maintain my friendships. Yes, I'd rather meet them hiking, for lunch or on a golf course, but tonight for instance if I want some girl friend time, I have to meet them at a restaurant.. . with alcohol and MEN. . and live music, because that's where they'll be.

Add in a some different friends tomorrow night. . same thing.

 

He's had bad experiences in the past given all of his career choices have him travelling.

I told him I cant pay for the sins of others in his past.

He trusts me. But it's been a process.

[Batya33]

OK I see -it's about the environment. When my husband and I were long distance he lived in a party type of city and he would go for beers with his friends and colleagues after work. I'm sure that some of the bars were pick up type places but I had no concerns - it would have been silly for me to tell him not to go and not to spend any time with his friends. He didn't get drunk and he didn't go out dancing, etc. It's funny though - we went to a wedding once where the bride married her swing dancing instructor so there were a lot of swing dancers there. I was in my first trimester and exhausted and we weren't married yet. I went to the ladies room and was there a long time because I wasn't feeling great from the pregnancy. Meanwhile some gal basically pressured him to dance with her because in swing dancing world that's typical - people just dance and it's platonic. So he told her that his girlfriend was in the restroom and might not like if she came out and found him dancing - but she persisted. So I came out, saw them and cut in . I think she ended up falling later on the dance floor. Oh well....

[reinventmyself]

OK I see -it's about the environment. So I came out, saw them and cut in . I think she ended up falling later on the dance floor. Oh well....

 

Lol

 

I don't understand the problem with dancing with someone. S see's it differently. Though he didn't say so, I could tell he had issues with the people dancing at the party the other night when he asked `Isn't Lynette married?' She was only dancing with some guy. It's not like they were grinding on each other. For that matter they didn't even touch. I get people see it differently. So I play it safe and dance with the girls! I shouldn't have to over think this but now I guess I have to.

 

Yah. . I see both sides.

 

I get that the majority of people my age don't act like tragic teenagers and I suppose looking from the outside,

that's pretty much what we look like.

But, oh well. It's my life.

 

I just got a group text from a friend I'll see tomorrow night trying to rally people to go to some Mardi Gras Festival during the day too?

I am not a loss of things to do. This is for sure. But I definitely don't have the energy anymore. This is a quality problem.

 

It feels like I am trying to live 3 different lives at the same time - work, single friends and a somewhat long distance relationship (that travels for a living) Who just my luck happens to be pretty sensitive about these things.

 

It's Friday and I am tired and cranky.

[reinventmyself]

One of my coworkers, across the hall and about 5 doors down has a bowl with mini reeses peanut butter cups on his desk.

Everyday around 3 he goes down to Starbucks for a cup of coffee. I swear I feel like a heroin addict. I get up from my desk

every 5 min's to check and see if his office door is open. I think he's onto me or changed his coffee hour. . Dang it!

I haven't been successful all week and it's making me kookie.

[Batya33]

You mean so you can sneak in and take some?

 

Do not, then, try Trader Joes wrapped mini peanut butter cups. don't say I didn't warn you....

[reinventmyself]

You mean so you can sneak in and take some?

 

Do not, then, try Trader Joes wrapped mini peanut butter cups. don't say I didn't warn you....

 

oh nooo

 

It's not his private stash. It's in an inviting bowl at the end of his desk for offer.

I just don't know him that well and I honestly abuse the privilege.

[notalady]

oh nooo

 

It's not his private stash. It's in an inviting bowl at the end of his desk for offer.

I just don't know him that well and I honestly abuse the privilege.

 

That reminds me of Naomi's pink pens, haha...

[Batya33]

oh nooo

 

It's not his private stash. It's in an inviting bowl at the end of his desk for offer.

I just don't know him that well and I honestly abuse the privilege.

 

We have a candy dish in my office near but not on the secretary's desk. I take but replenish far more than I take -would you feel better taking if you replenished?

[reinventmyself]

We have a candy dish in my office near but not on the secretary's desk. I take but replenish far more than I take -would you feel better taking if you replenished?

 

I should. Better all the way around if I just don't eat them!

[Batya33]

I don't think it's appropriate to dance with a stranger one on one of you're on a relationship - in a club or bar situation. But of course it depends on the coiple's boindsries.

[reinventmyself]

I don't think it's appropriate to dance with a stranger one on one of you're on a relationship - in a club or bar situation. But of course it depends on the coiple's boindsries.

How about dancing with a male friend?

[notalady]

How about dancing with a male friend?

 

I think it depends on what kind of dancing and what context.

 

If it's at a wedding or any other group function, I think you can dance with anyone. Everyone had a few drinks, on the dance floor, dancing silly, having a good time. It's not like you're grinding and doing sexual suggestive moves. whether that's a male friend or another attendee at the event, I don't think that's inappropriate.

 

I've had J's friend (whom I had just met once at the time) grab me for a dance at a wedding while we were all at the same wedding, J had gone to the bathroom, he came back and we were dancing away. He just laughed and his friend "handed me back" to J lol... It did surprise me when he grabbed my hand for a dance (while I was on the dance floor), but I didn't feel uncomfortable, so I went along. He's the type of touchy feely guy with big personality and he's that way with everyone, J knows that.

 

When I went to a swing dance intro lesson with J and one of my female friends (another male friend was supposed to come but he ended up cancelling), after we did the rounds where you took turn to dance with random people, we danced alone, and then I asked him if he minded dancing with my friend, because she was all alone. I didn't want her to feel left out. Of course he didn't mind. Then we (two girls) danced, it was funny.

 

I think dancing can be sexual (in a club, with sexual music, grinding away and someone comes up to you and dance close, even if it's a friend), but at other times, totally innocent and appropriate.