Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

Are the other two things fulfilling your needs enough to balance out the things you're questioning?

 

Yes

I can't help but wonder if I've been on my own too long and this has a lot to do with not wanting to be accountable and just being able be selfish and do what I want to do, when I want to do it.

You can't very well do that in a relationship.

[WithLove]

So then, it sounds like in terms of a partner - S is a god guy for you. The good thing is that you're aware of your own shortcomings and you want to/are trying to work on them. As long as you and S are actively keeping the lines of communication open (which I know you are because it was a past problem), then things will be okay.

[reinventmyself]

So then, it sounds like in terms of a partner - S is a god guy for you. The good thing is that you're aware of your own shortcomings and you want to/are trying to work on them. As long as you and S are actively keeping the lines of communication open (which I know you are because it was a past problem), then things will be okay.

 

 

thanks for the feedback, WL. . along with the challenging questions

[Clarisse]

I agree with WL. If the only doubts you're having is the lack of shared activities, that's no big deal. It sounds like you could be looking for issues when there aren't any.

[reinventmyself]

Day 2 wedding weekend. We got in at past midnight Friday morning. 5 hours of family (that's no own) to change and dress for another function for 4 hours last night.

Breakfast w S, his sons and daughter in laws this morning , get together with family again all day. Leaving in 15 mins to dress for the wedding. Phew, I'm tired, not sleeping well.

We head home tomorrow for 5 hr drive home, but S's sister mentions we are having brunch tomorrow??

Somebody forgot to mention that

[reinventmyself]

Saturday night, close to midnight as we are leaving the wedding, S is chatting with his family and instigating this brunch for the following morning.

He had arranged his sons flights for 8 am that same morning. So I wrongly assumed we'd be leaving sometime Sunday morning as well? I had heard from someone else on Saturday that I was having brunch on Sunday (it's such a blur I don't recall who)

 

He's not including me in this discussion until he's got a bro and sis and their partners interested in brunch Sunday and he chooses to then ask if I am ok with it? I am so tired, I have pretty much hit the wall at this point. All eyes on me, I don't think I even gave straight answer. Anything other than yes is awkward in front of his family that are just acquaintances to me.

 

Do I have one more in the bag for S as this point? I am wrestling and disappointed that he hadn't discussed it with me first.

In light of the fact we just had 4 get togethers and 3 events in 48 hours of NON stop family and not a moment to catch my breath let alone rest,

it pushed me over the edge. You couldn't tell by looking at me but he knew I was tired. I had shared that with him a few times. Not in a complaining way.

 

I was quiet. We had a car full back to the hotel and with it now approaching 1am, we say good night to his sons and agrees that we'll meet them for breakfast at 7 am before they leave? Granted, he can do this on his own (and did) but there wasn't a discussion with me and I didn't get to say goodbye to his sons and daughter in laws.

 

I was so tired I couldn't articulate how I felt. I asked him if he had forgotten that he was not on his trip alone and if he knew a day in advance he wanted to have brunch, why didn't he mention to me? Why did I have to hear it from someone else? And PLEASE don't go around making plans that include me and only when he's gotten everyone on board, ask me for my input in front of everyone, after the fact.

 

The drive there was more like 6 hours and arrived after a full day of work and waking up at 5:30am, to arrive at 12:30am

Up at 8 to pick up his one son from the airport.

Breakfast and arrived 12noon at his brothers for family day.

4pm back to hotel to change for rehearsal dinner

5 to 10 dinner

back to the hotel. (didn't sleep well)

Up at 8:30, breakfast with sons at 9am

back to brothers house for family day and lunch 11 - 3:30

back to hotel to change

wedding 5pm to midnight

S up at 6:45 for breakfast with sons . .I heard him leave. . hadn't really slept because we basically went to sleep without talking.

 

Best part is when meeting the 2 siblings for brunch, his one bro in law didn't show because he needed a moment to himself . . .hmmm

The one sis in law mentions how she puts her foot down when she's had enough.

And here I am bleary eyed and S and I barely speaking.

 

I did get to say what I needed to say yesterday morning before brunch.

S was tired too. . I still don't know how well my comments were received. He only said he had a `different interpretation of it'

 

I did point out to him couples that had traveled to wedding obviously carved out some alone time for themselves.

I hadn't thought of that, but in retrospect it would have been nice.

Honestly I am just wanting him to realize he can't push me that far before I snap.

 

6 hour drive home and even with 8 hrs of sleep last night I was still getting sleepy driving into work this morning.

 

S is basically gone for the next 3 weeks. He has one day off here and there in the middle of the week.

Not sure when I'll see him next.

[WithLove]

I'm hearing what you're saying to us, but I do want to point out that in being with his family, for a wedding for his side of family, means that you really probably should have figured on spending all 5 days doing activities with them, with little to no time for just you and S.

[faraday]

Saturday night, close to midnight as we are leaving the wedding, S is chatting with his family and instigating this brunch for the following morning.

He had arranged his sons flights for 8 am that same morning. So I wrongly assumed we'd be leaving sometime Sunday morning as well? I had heard from someone else on Saturday that I was having brunch on Sunday (it's such a blur I don't recall who)

 

He's not including me in this discussion until he's got a bro and sis and their partners interested in brunch Sunday and he chooses to then ask if I am ok with it? I am so tired, I have pretty much hit the wall at this point. All eyes on me, I don't think I even gave straight answer. Anything other than yes is awkward in front of his family that are just acquaintances to me.

 

Do I have one more in the bag for S as this point? I am wrestling and disappointed that he hadn't discussed it with me first.

In light of the fact we just had 4 get togethers and 3 events in 48 hours of NON stop family and not a moment to catch my breath let alone rest,

it pushed me over the edge. You couldn't tell by looking at me but he knew I was tired. I had shared that with him a few times. Not in a complaining way.

 

I was quiet. We had a car full back to the hotel and with it now approaching 1am, we say good night to his sons and agrees that we'll meet them for breakfast at 7 am before they leave? Granted, he can do this on his own (and did) but there wasn't a discussion with me and I didn't get to say goodbye to his sons and daughter in laws.

 

I was so tired I couldn't articulate how I felt. I asked him if he had forgotten that he was not on his trip alone and if he knew a day in advance he wanted to have brunch, why didn't he mention to me? Why did I have to hear it from someone else? And PLEASE don't go around making plans that include me and only when he's gotten everyone on board, ask me for my input in front of everyone, after the fact.

 

The drive there was more like 6 hours and arrived after a full day of work and waking up at 5:30am, to arrive at 12:30am

Up at 8 to pick up his one son from the airport.

Breakfast and arrived 12noon at his brothers for family day.

4pm back to hotel to change for rehearsal dinner

5 to 10 dinner

back to the hotel. (didn't sleep well)

Up at 8:30, breakfast with sons at 9am

back to brothers house for family day and lunch 11 - 3:30

back to hotel to change

wedding 5pm to midnight

S up at 6:45 for breakfast with sons . .I heard him leave. . hadn't really slept because we basically went to sleep without talking.

 

Best part is when meeting the 2 siblings for brunch, his one bro in law didn't show because he needed a moment to himself . . .hmmm

The one sis in law mentions how she puts her foot down when she's had enough.

And here I am bleary eyed and S and I barely speaking.

 

I did get to say what I needed to say yesterday morning before brunch.

S was tired too. . I still don't know how well my comments were received. He only said he had a `different interpretation of it'

 

I did point out to him couples that had traveled to wedding obviously carved out some alone time for themselves.

I hadn't thought of that, but in retrospect it would have been nice.

Honestly I am just wanting him to realize he can't push me that far before I snap.

 

6 hour drive home and even with 8 hrs of sleep last night I was still getting sleepy driving into work this morning.

 

S is basically gone for the next 3 weeks. He has one day off here and there in the middle of the week.

Not sure when I'll see him next.

 

I think because it's such a short amount of time to see everyone, he probably wants to pack it right full of visiting. It's tough

 

I know when Jay and I travel to visit family, he does a lot of things without me. I need a few hours everyday of alone time...or I become extremely miserable to be around. We talked about it beforehand, and now he asks (in private), "we're planning on doing x, do you want to come, or have downtime?" Although I want him to go away lol, not spend it with me.

 

Would you want S to spend downtime with you, or go do visiting without you? Did you explain your needs ahead of time?

[reinventmyself]

I'm hearing what you're saying to us, but I do want to point out that in being with his family, for a wedding for his side of family, means that you really probably should have figured on spending all 5 days doing activities with them, with little to no time for just you and S.

 

I knew that going into it. S was very sweet and asking me if I was ok all along. He kept me in the loop, until the end.

But in the end when I am exhausted and not at my best is not the time for this to happen.

Had it happened early on. . maybe a different outcome.

I dunno.

I admitted my error in assuming we would be heading out Sunday morning based on the travel plans he arranged for his sons.

I guess in my mind I was emotionally and physically crossing the finish line at the end of the wedding.

It still doesn't matter. . Under any circumstances, I would be rallying plans with people (let alone people he doesn't know) and ask him in front of everyone

after the fact if he was on board. I would have discussed it with him first. Then to do something similar within the same hour was just too much.

[reinventmyself]

I think because it's such a short amount of time to see everyone, he probably wants to pack it right full of visiting. It's tough

 

 

Would you want S to spend downtime with you, or go do visiting without you? Did you explain your needs ahead of time?

 

I know better next time. We've had few trips similar to this one now.

[reinventmyself]

One of S's bothers (out of 7 kids) came out gay at 52 and has a 27 year old boyfriend. He's a grandfather of 4, housed the 27 year old in his home with his wife and youngest daughter, under the ruse that he was a college student needing to rent a room. For 2 years?!

 

Anyway S's family is uber conservative and it's been entertaining watching this large family adjust in their own time and different ways to their brothers news.

 

I have say he's handled really it well. He's not shy or coy about it. Up front and brutally honest, almost TMI like with the boyfriend by his side the entire time.

 

It was a joke that the news might kill his mother. Not so funny that she had a stroke within days after ( I can't make this stuff up )

 

Somehow he feels better about himself saying his wife now has a bf.

Little bits of info spilling out in the course of 2 1/2 days after hearing the same story being told over and over.

 

wife has bf

wife has bf that is a neurosurgeon.

wife has bf that is a neurosurgeon that is in Dubai opening a new hospital.

wife has bf that is a neurosurgeon that is in Dubai opening a new hospital, or no, is it Turkey?

- And by Saturday night and after a few drinks from the 27 year old:

wife has bf that is a neurosurgeon that is in Dubai opening a new hospital, or no, is it Turkey and they've never met - because he lives in Pennsylvania!

 

Can you say Catfish?! Good grief.

 

I seem to be the only one who heard the final story. It was news to S during the car ride home.

[Sportster2005]

Wow, sounds a bit overwhelming. "Modern Family" meets "Guess Whose Coming to Diner." Hope the mother is fine.

[WithLove]

Wow!!! That's interesting. So is S's brother going to stay married to the wife? How'd she accept it? She must've known or at least had an inkling!

[WithLove]

I have so many questions!! You've gotta find out the deets.

[reinventmyself]

I have so many questions!! You've gotta find out the deets.

 

At some point during the 2 years she knew. I'd be interested in hearing her story but I only get the brothers side.

They had been living a marriage of convenience for sometime. My argument is, most couples say this after 30+ years if they

are trying to justify their actions, right?

 

Anyways. He travels to Florida for work monthly and from what he says, he's been struggling with his sexuality all along.

He would hang out on gay beaches, where he met this young man and brought him home to live with his family.

 

I have never met his wife but from what everyone has said is she is very sweet. . I get the sense the sweet is another

word for passive and naïve.

 

The are going for a legal separation so she stays on his benefits and he has signed over half of all assets.

He's been super accommodating with her (or guilty) and things have been fairly civil until recently.

The end is near and it appears the gloves are about to come off.

 

His biggest hurdle has been his daughters. They haven't been as forgiving, especially in light of bringing this young man into the family

under false pretenses.

[WithLove]

Wow... I feel bad for him, that he had to live with first his struggle at trying to accept his own sexuality, and then for the guilt at lying to his family. But I would likely take his kids' side, too... the lying, the age gap. Even that wouldn't be so bad, but the fact that he brought the young man to live with him in the same house as his youngest daughter... well, that would bother me.

[reinventmyself]

I am afraid to write this, so please be gentle.

Since the trip S has been rather quiet. I just wanted to wait him out a little bit. He tends to be uber sensitive to any conflict and I knew Saturday nights conflict bothered him. It did me too.

Couples have disagreements and it takes two mature adults to hear each other out and empathize with the others position.

In retrospect the issue was minor. `Please talk with me before making plans for me and not ask me in front of others'

 

He leaves tomorrow for a 10 day trip so I took the time away from my desk to call him and ask him if everything is ok.

He paused too long and brought up the distance. Seriously?! Both rounds 1 and 2, I could not have been any clearer that if he

thought at any given time the distance would be an issue to please not sign up. I was firmer the second time than I was the first.

It's challenging and you need to be willing to do the work. Here he is today, 1 1/2 years since we met and bringing up again.

 

I've known this about him and it's even more clear today that any disagreement or misunderstanding is too much for him to handle.

 

A misunderstanding is grounds for ending things. We've gone 5 mo's and have navigated things perfectly and one misunderstanding and

he reconsiders the whole relationship. I told him it's confusing that he relentlessly asks how I feel and how I am doing and anything short of perfect

seems to upset him. He doesn't create a safe environment for me to tell him how I feel. .even though he asks all the time.

 

I'll be fair. . maybe a big part of that is my issue.

 

His biggest problem is I didn't want to talk about it in the moment. I have explained this to him before that when I

am flooded with emotion, I can't talk or I might say something wrong, so I when I told him I couldn't talk about it right then - it didn't mean I wouldn't.

It comes with good intention. At the same time I understand he feels shut out. His first response was defensive and I knew in light of everything it wouldn't go well in the very moment so I shut down. His big defense response to how I felt, actually made me cry. I was really tired.

 

He disappeared for 40 mins and by then I was in bed.

I did address it straight on first thing in the morning. He didn't really respond other than `I had a different interpretation'.

 

Don't couples disagree and talk things out and then move on from it? (why am I asking?)

Or do they stew over a misunderstanding so much so they throw the baby out with the bath water.

We have a 6 1/2 hour drive home and more than enough time to get past this.

 

He brings up year old events today and lumps it in one big messy ball.

Does it matter that we had 5 great months? Or is not worth saving?

I irresponsibly forced his hand and he said he was done.

A little more chit chat and he says he wants to talk more later.

 

I am so confused. I do love this man.

We have made some great strides and to me this is just a learning experience. To him, it's the end of the world.

I don't know if I want to be with someone who freaks out every time I have a different view on something challenging and god forbid I say it out loud.

 

I should have specifically told him that I did want to discuss it and I care about what he has to say and should have asked him if it was ok to talk about later.

Would it have made any difference because in the end if he would consider breaking up with me over it anyway . is worth fighting for?

 

I am not sure it's over. . it's in consideration.

[reinventmyself]

This is the 2nd time it goes south so quickly, it makes my head spin.

It's done.

No going back. I made sure of that.

[Fudgie]

To answer your question before, yes, most couples will argue/disagree about something, make up, and then move out. It really should not be this long, drawn out affair unless it's something really big, like one of you cheated or something and you're trying to reconcile.

 

I get into "tiffs" with my boyfriend on a weekly basis but they are resolved very quickly and we move on.

 

I wonder if S has unrealistic expectations for a relationship. I can't really tell.

[faraday]

I'm sorry reinvent I haven't commented because I didn't know what to say.

 

Before Jay, I dated a guy that would break up with me over every fight/disagreement. It became normal...I expected jay would do the same...but he didn't.

 

I think sometimes we get stuck in patterns...and it takes either a change (like dating someone new) or if the pattern is deeply ingrained, a lot of self awareness to break out of them. It sounds like S doesn't know how to break out of them.

 

I'm sorry that you've reinvested so much to have it turn out like this. It sucks

[WithLove]

Damn. I'm so sorry. I'm sending you oodles of love and hugs. I'm on my phone, so I'll reply better on my lunch.

[reinventmyself]

He had written me a very long email to inform me of his decision. . which was cowardly.

 

In response I wrote him back. It am pretty sure it was impulsive considering the high emotion but reading it back, but I honestly don't care.

I wouldn't take back anything I said (wrote)

 

 

Honestly I had time to think about it and going fwd it would be difficult to continue to walk on eggs shells and to sensor myself like I had been, because you are so incredibly threatened by someone who doesn't see things exactly the way you do.

 

Happy, healthy couples have misunderstandings. They see things differently - Fact-

You often seem to see a view different than yours as the end of the world and reasons to blow it up and run away.

 

There is no denying you made plans without talking to me prior.

I wasn't mad, I just asked you to talk to me before next time and not put me on the spot.

It's just a courtesy most responsible couples offer each other.

 

You were loud,abrupt and defensive like you have been in the past. This issue for most couples would have been a minor blip on a radar, but for you, it's the end of world and worth trashing everything over. There was absolutely no sane reason a simple misunderstanding should have escalated to the point it did. But this has been my experience with you.

 

I wonder how my life would be with someone I had to continually walk on eggs shells so as to not upset them.

I can’t be with someone who creates an unsafe environment for me to tell them how I feel.

Your reaction feels punishing and I often felt this threat held over me or you'd break up over me for it and run.

And. . I was right.

 

I hope you find your 'yes' girl. (he described his ideal relationship in his email)

Good luck finding a someone who doesn't have a voice or an opinion, especially at this age.

 

It stood out to me when you mentioned you and your last girlfriend argued and she always needed to be right.

It resonated with me the moment you said it over a year ago. There is a theory that people tend to dislike the very thing they are guilty of themselves.

 

I’ll leave you with one thought. You admitting to arguing during every trip with her, so much so you lost money on 2 cruises that you never went on.

Seeing you are the common denominator here, at what point do you ever stop and look at yourself?

I think you have a very unrealistic idea of what relationships are supposed to look like.

 

You won't hear from me again. I just wished you hadn't involved me with your family so much if you had been thinking about this for a while.

 

Between your conflict resolution style, or lack thereof, including me with your family to the extent you did, fully committing to the distance twice and ending it in an email is irresponsible in so many ways.

 

You summed up my life nicely without the benefit of asking me. You seem to know my wants better than myself. So you think.

But I would have shared the life you so nicely described, the one that you want to find the perfect girl to share it with.

Problem is, you never asked me

[Batya33]

Damn. I'm so sorry. I'm sending you oodles of love and hugs. I'm on my phone, so I'll reply better on my lunch.

 

What she said AND, FWIW, I really, really like that you wait to respond AND tell that to the person who wants to talk right then. I do that with my child also for the reasons you do it plus it shows the other person that you honor and respect both of you and do not want to act on impulse. I see that he wants instant gratification. Not reality, IMHO.

[reinventmyself]

What she said AND, FWIW, I really, really like that you wait to respond AND tell that to the person who wants to talk right then. I do that with my child also for the reasons you do it plus it shows the other person that you honor and respect both of you and do not want to act on impulse. I see that he wants instant gratification. Not reality, IMHO.

 

He criticized my way of resolving conflicts and it's one of the reasons he said he couldn't continue.

In the therapeutic world, it would be best advised to hold off until you can respond in a thoughtful, respectful manner.

 

As I write this I can't help but wonder if he would rather go after it when I am in a vulnerable state, because it clearly gives him an edge if I am off balance and can hardly speak.

[WithLove]

I like the email. It's a nice parting shot, imo. Serves him right for getting you involved with family even after thinking so long about the relationship.

 

Stay strong, lady! You're tough and you'll get through this. Lean on your sons and let them care for you right now as you process the end of the relationship.