Another online daing journal

[IAmFCA]

Doesn't sound like the spirit of compromise. More like negotiating terms with a winner and a loser. Maybe in time, as your relationship evolves there will be more of a spirit of compromise.

 

I think the biggest compromise you both need to make is in time spent together. He seems like he needs more attention than you. I don't see that as good or bad. As long as you both come to agreement. I personally like my space too. Perhaps too much. I wouldn't flourish with someone that demanded a lot of my time. Key word being 'demanded'. But if they respected my alone time and could live with it, then it could work. S may not like the imbalance. But if he could accept it and truly live with it, things could be O.K.

 

What he said.

 

At some point, we want something more than we fear something. It would seem now is not that time.

[reinventmyself]

Thank you both.

 

It gives me permission to sit on my wall and not worry about which side this may fall.

 

Either way, I know I'll be ok.

I have to be.

[WithLove]

 

At some point, we want something more than we fear something. It would seem now is not that time.

 

I like this. A lot. I'm stealing it for my journal. Thanks ITIC!

[IAmFCA]

I like this. A lot. I'm stealing it for my journal. Thanks ITIC!

 

If you would please call my crush and lecture him about getting over his fear so that now can be the time, I would be most appreciative.

[IAmFCA]

Thank you both.

 

It gives me permission to sit on my wall and not worry about which side this may fall.

 

Either way, I know I'll be ok.

I have to be.

 

 

Yes --

 

And in a way, that is always the case. People and relationships are dynamic. Your security is well rooted within you.

[reinventmyself]

If you would please call my crush and lecture him about getting over his fear so that now can be the time, I would be most appreciative.

 

Give me a number. I'm on it!

[IAmFCA]

Give me a number. I'm on it!

 

Maybe we can add that service to the eNA platform: "Hi, this is a confidential call to tell you that you need to date/propose/drop your side piece/break up/ stop stealing food (lol). We believe in you/you can do this/he/she is worth it/we are watching you. Please take action within before next Monday. Goodbye."

[reinventmyself]

stop stealing food (lol).."

 

 

[Sportster2005]

Maybe we can add that service to the eNA platform: "Hi, this is a confidential call to tell you that you need to date/propose/drop your side piece/break up/ stop stealing food (lol). We believe in you/you can do this/he/she is worth it/we are watching you. Please take action within before next Monday. Goodbye."

 

Thumbs up.

[reinventmyself]

I decided to go to and from S's by train. Heading home now and the train was 90 mins late and it's standing room only.

 

I'm sitting on the floor The next person that tries to walk past me thinking there is a seat available in this car is going to get a ration of shyte from me and the others who are seatless.

 

Seriously?! Do these knuckleheads think I'm sitting on the floor because I like it? One hour in and I found that if I refuse eye contact and turn my back they are reluctant to try to pass me. Or they cant. Not sure which one. Hmmm

 

There is not enough room to pass so I am rubbed up, down sideways from persons I'll never cross paths with again. I might have to hurt someone. The young man behind me is almost using my back as a seat back!

 

OK. . Done with my rant. Grrrr

[reinventmyself]

I'm kinda struggling a little with this relationship.

 

I'm wondering if maybe we went from the high of a new relationship and having it crash, taking a break just to go into another high of reconciliation and now finally settling into what it is we have.

 

I am wondering how compatible we really are or am I looking for ways to sabotage it?

 

It's fine. We get along great but he's much more conservative than I am in alot of ways and it makes me feel very restless.

It's weird in the sense that I don't look at him wondering if there is someone who is a better fit for me. I am wondering however if there is someone better suited for him

[Clarisse]

I'm kinda struggling a little with this relationship.

 

I'm wondering if maybe we went from the high of a new relationship and having it crash, taking a break just to go into another high of reconciliation and now finally settling into what it is we have.

 

I am wondering how compatible we really are or am I looking for ways to sabotage it?

 

It's fine. We get along great but he's much more conservative than I am in alot of ways and it makes me feel very restless.

It's weird in the sense that I don't look at him wondering if there is someone who is a better fit for me. I am wondering however if there is someone better suited for him

 

It's possible he's not a good fit for you and it's also possible you're sabotaging. Can you list the ways in which you're compatible and those in which you're not? Every relationship involves some sacrifice, right? We just decide which things we are willing to live with and those we are not. My boyfriend and I are opposite in some ways, but there are some things that I would not compromise on. For example, we have the same political views, we both generally have an optimistic, positive outlook, we parent similarly, share household duties equally, both have a sense of fun and adventure, to name a few. We are incompatible when it comes to finances (I out-earn him considerably), I'm an introvert and need alone time while he would rather be together almost all of the time, he likes to talk things out when he's having a bad day, while I need time to collect my thoughts first, but these are things I can live with and compromise on.

 

How about you?

[Sportster2005]

 

I am wondering how compatible we really are or am I looking for ways to sabotage it?

 

 

Or both? ......

[IAmFCA]

I'm kinda struggling a little with this relationship.

 

I'm wondering if maybe we went from the high of a new relationship and having it crash, taking a break just to go into another high of reconciliation and now finally settling into what it is we have.

 

I am wondering how compatible we really are or am I looking for ways to sabotage it?

 

It's fine. We get along great but he's much more conservative than I am in alot of ways and it makes me feel very restless.

It's weird in the sense that I don't look at him wondering if there is someone who is a better fit for me. I am wondering however if there is someone better suited for him

 

How does his being more conservative impact you? Is it possible to frame as a sort of boundary issue, such that you are able to pursue your exploratory nature and he bites his tongue? Oh, never mind. You already do this.

 

What about, ignoring your analysis of whether you're the gal for him. Maybe part of what sustains him is the anxiety of not being in total control (as if anyone could be). He's with you. Instead of trying to please him which will please neither of you, be the authentic you that most pleases you.

[faraday]

How does his being more conservative impact you? Is it possible to frame as a sort of boundary issue, such that you are able to pursue your exploratory nature and he bites his tongue? Oh, never mind. You already do this.

 

What about, ignoring your analysis of whether you're the gal for him. Maybe part of what sustains him is the anxiety of not being in total control (as if anyone could be). He's with you. Instead of trying to please him which will please neither of you, be the authentic you that most pleases you.

 

My guess would be that because they had issues of jealousy before...where he would make comments if she wore high heels out, and wonder why she was going to live music events (with friends)...(because the only reason people go out is to meet someone new)...and even if he's not saying those things now...those words/judgements are probably still bouncing around in reinvent's head.

 

I might be totally off base, but that's what I'm guessing. It would be hard to let go of those judgements and just be free.

[Clarisse]

My guess would be that because they had issues of jealousy before...where he would make comments if she wore high heels out, and wonder why she was going to live music events (with friends)...(because the only reason people go out is to meet someone new)...and even if he's not saying those things now...those words/judgements are probably still bouncing around in reinvent's head.

 

I might be totally off base, but that's what I'm guessing. It would be hard to let go of those judgements and just be free.

 

If that's the case, that would be too controlling for me. I would call that a deal breaker rather than self-sabotage.

[reinventmyself]

My guess would be that because they had issues of jealousy before...where he would make comments if she wore high heels out, and wonder why she was going to live music events (with friends)...(because the only reason people go out is to meet someone new)...and even if he's not saying those things now...those words/judgements are probably still bouncing around in reinvent's head.

 

I might be totally off base, but that's what I'm guessing. It would be hard to let go of those judgements and just be free.

 

There is some truth to this.

He is being good about things. As much as I appreciate it and acknowledge it, I can't help but wonder if he's feeling the same way and just covering it up. I'd like to think it's been a process for him that he is improving on. I can't read his mind.

Never the less I need to appreciate improvements and not borrow trouble if it's not there.

 

I saw the responses last night and took some time to think about it.

 

I have to look back at my other relationships and being with someone has ultimately lead to a routine. It's to be expected to some degree. Things are no longer new and high is gone. This is no different than the rest.

Not to say it's bad. . it's very much normal.

 

My life when I am single is far from routine. Outside of my work week every weekend is something new.

Last Friday I was with 5 friends and went to dinner and a concert after.

From there 2 of my friends went on a road trip to Yosemite and Carmel. (I could have gone)

This coming weekend is the Grand Prix in my area. All of my friends will be there for 2 days.

 

I am being fickle. It's the GIG thing is some ways, but not related to thinking there is a better man for me out there.

When I am single and with my friends. . I tend to be on the go all the time. But during that time I often wish I was in a relationship after all my girlfriends most likely aren't going to grow old with me. (rethinking that one at this point)

And I don't want to be closing bars in my 60's.

Now I am in a relationship I find myself on a Saturday night with S watching dvr'd sitcoms? No!!

 

He's a great guy. We get along really well. He's not the most exciting guy in the world and pretty set in his ways.

He admits he can be pretty boring. But he's pretty self effacing in that way.

He doesn't like to drink . . maybe one. He doesn't like live music and crowds. I've brought him around my friends and as much as he is good about it, I think he pretty much tolerates it for my sake. I would like to see him just let his guard down, once.

 

We are both introverts. I am the chatty one between the two. I tried staying silent over the weekend to see if he'll meet me half way and it was a really quiet weekend.

 

After our weekend in CO with another couple, I watched quietly as S talked away sharing stories I have never heard. S has lead a very interesting life. I told him as we were driving across another state, while in the car for hours and being silent that I noticed how chatty he was with others and why he never thought to share these stories with me before. `You didn't ask' he smirks. Aaaargh!

 

He's modest in a lot of ways and he was reliving stories with an old coworker. I was married to civil servant, my son is one and now romantically involved with another. If you are good at what you do, you don't talk about your work. It's kind of the culture in that world.

Add in him being reserved and not sharing his past life frustrates me to some degree. I am an open book and can overshare sometimes

 

I realize that there is always going to something. . this just happens to be our something.

I can trade this something in for another something. . but there will always be something.

If this is the worst thing I have to complain about then I might just have to get over myself.

 

I think I am just at a crossroads in my life. I am not sure what purpose a relationship serves me anymore.

It's conditioning that makes us go out and seek it. . but if I have raised children, support myself and have a full life, outside of the physical aspect and knowing that someone out there cares for me and I, them. . I am not convinced I need a romantic relationship anymore.

 

Maybe that's why I look at him thinking maybe there is someone better suited for him. . Instead of wondering about who's a better

fit for me.

 

Just a bump along the way. . It will pass.

Or maybe not.

We leave tomorrow night for his nephews wedding in another state (or course) and will be back on Sunday.

There are 7 kids in his family, add in his kids, nieces and nephews - this will be a long weekend.

 

From there S is for the most part gone for 3 weeks.

 

One would think this would be perfect for me because I basically get to lead 2 lives considering the time he's away.

[Sportster2005]

Grand Prix!!!! If you need a date.........

 

I think I am just at a crossroads in my life. I am not sure what purpose a relationship serves me anymore.

 

I feel this. And I fear with the passing of time, the purpose becomes more blurred. I try dating, but I seem to recoil away. Back to peace and happiness. I can't imagine what it's like anymore to be in a relationship. Don't know if I'm helping or not. But, you're definitely not alone.

[Sportster2005]

I thought about this some more. What if you found a relationship that met your goals, and not a person that met your goals? I know sounds kind of odd?

 

When I hear a certain song, I think of my friend LD. It takes me back to a small outdoor concert we attended last summer. I'm able to love her without the foolishness of worrying about a relationship and romance. We have implied permission to come and go out of each other's lives as we try other people for dating. We are each other's home base when the latest doesn't work out. LD is great. But the relationship is what I like. And maybe you can't separate the person from the relationship.

 

More to the point, more and more, I value my relationship with LD. Other than sex almost all my needs are met. Our hugs are very close. They feel good without the interference of sex. We can do anything together. Isn't this more important and rewarding than a label? Isn't this more fun? Most of the benefits of a relationship without all the hassle.

 

Maybe as we get older this is what we need. People close to us to grow older with. Close friends without the baggage of dating and romance.

 

Not out to change the color of anyone's sky. Just some food for thought.

[reinventmyself]

I thought about this some more. What if you found a relationship that met your goals, and not a person that met your goals? I know sounds kind of odd? .

 

I get what you are saying and I have my own LD that I can turn to.

My problem is I am hardwired to get attached if I am intimate with someone.

He checks all the other boxes though. I've known him for 14 years.

 

We get each other, we make each other laugh, we probably know each other better than anyone else.

 

Having said that, I can say the same things about my girlfriends. . and I don't have sex with them either

[WithLove]

I think you are routinely trying to talk yourself into staying in a relationship with S. That's what it feels like.

[reinventmyself]

I think you are routinely trying to talk yourself into staying in a relationship with S. That's what it feels like.

 

I typically do this with every relationship.

That's why I am mulling it around.

We've said it many times. . We often come here mentioning the negative.

 

Here's the pluses:

He's very intelligent

Has a great deal of integrity, probably more than anyone I have ever dated.

He is disciplined, handles his finances well, he's very mature.

I am incredibly attracted to him physically. He takes good care of himself emotionally and physically.

He is a no nonsense person. I especially appreciate this seeing my life choices have been men who love to play head games.

He is very warm and affectionate. He has a playful side to him that I don't see too often. I appreciate it more when I do.

I feel very valued and appreciated by him. He sees me as nothing less than gorgeous, even at my worst.

He's supportive, generous and sensitive. He never stops doing the little things that matter. .flowers, my favorite creamer etc. He really thoughtful and attentive in that way and don't think he'll ever slack in that area.

 

My only concern is wondering if our interests in activities are the same.

At the same time, I don't need to date someone who is a mirror image of myself.

I can spend my entire life looking for that.

This difference is not necessarily a deal breaker but one of compromise. .I hope.

 

For that matter during the 4 mos S and I were broken up, I dated K who seemed like a perfect match for me, activity wise.

He was honestly a male version of me. We liked the exact same things all the way down the list. It was uncanny.

Unfortunately I didn't have the electric chemistry I had with S.

Add in K was a little too self absorbed and only talked about himself.

I just failed to feel any romantic chemistry from someone who wasn't interested in knowing anything about me.

[WithLove]

Do you think that your "goals" in a relationship have changed? Do you want a relationship to ultimately lead to cohabitation, combining of kids/families, possibly marriage? Does S want all that?

[reinventmyself]

Do you think that your "goals" in a relationship have changed? Do you want a relationship to ultimately lead to cohabitation, combining of kids/families, possibly marriage? Does S want all that?

 

That's still up in the air.

I think I wrote something about this a couple days ago.

S and I spoke about it when we first met and neither wanted marriage. . cohabitation is a big question mark.

I don't see myself as ever setting out to have an end goal of living with `someone'

My goal is finding someone I am compatible with and if we decide it's the right thing to do, then we'll consider it.

He feels the same way.

 

Blending kids/families at this age is a non issue.

When your kids are grown and have families of their own, there isn't any blending to speak of.

[WithLove]

So let's take away all of that, then - you don't want marriage, you may not ever be interested in moving in together. So that leaves, in a relationship - companionship, intimacy, and enjoying activities together. Already one of those things you're questioning (activities). Are the other two things fulfilling your needs enough to balance out the things you're questioning?