Another online daing journal

[Batya33]

He criticized my way of resolving conflicts and it's one of the reasons he said he couldn't continue.

In the therapeutic world, it would be best advised to hold off until you can respond in a thoughtful, respectful manner.

 

As I write this I can't help but wonder if he would rather go after it when I am in a vulnerable state, because it clearly gives him an edge if I am off balance and can hardly speak.

 

What issues are new since the first time you ended things?

[WithLove]

 

As I write this I can't help but wonder if he would rather go after it when I am in a vulnerable state, because it clearly gives him an edge if I am off balance and can hardly speak.

 

This makes total sense to me.

[reinventmyself]

What issues are new since the first time you ended things?

 

No new issues. The same as before.

There was a lot of improvement, at least I thought so.

I often didn't feel completely at ease. . wondering if we were just keeping a lid on same things.

 

Even feeling raw. . I have to be fair. There was a lot of improvement, but the conflict thing is a deal breaker.

As my therapist summed it up (after our last break up) S has a way of "flipping you on the matt"

 

I shared with him how I felt. . and flails himself into victim status and I am the bad guy.

[WithLove]

My one friend, M.... she is engaged to this guy, A, and she doesn't share her problems with him because he has depression, anxiety and a lot of "bad" days. When she tries to talk to him about her problems, he accuses her of making everything about her and disregarding his issues.

 

Does it seem now that S likes to do that at all?

[reinventmyself]

My one friend, M.... she is engaged to this guy, A, and she doesn't share her problems with him because he has depression, anxiety and a lot of "bad" days. When she tries to talk to him about her problems, he accuses her of making everything about her and disregarding his issues.

 

Does it seem now that S likes to do that at all?

 

Similar. . but not quite.

He's always asking me how I feel and if I am ok.

For a woman that's incredible that a man cared to the extent he did.

But I am still trying to sort out why anything other than `everything is wonderful' isn't ok.

Then don't ask.

 

Basically, S is incredibly insecure in relationships. I've documented that from the beginning. He's aware of it.

For him to hear he may have made a simple mistake or oversight erases every good thing he's ever done.

He failed and somehow I am to blame or wrong. Him owning his mistake is just too painful for him.

Even something this minor.

 

Even when I shared with him what transpired. (him rallying his family for brunch and asking me after the fact in front of everyone)

His knee jerk response was that he had asked me prior. Then he switched to `his interpretation was different' - though when pressed he couldn't tell me what that was. From there he argued. . `when would have been a good time to talk to you?' (me: uhhm, anytime?)

 

He just flails about desperately trying to deflect blame and makes me out to be unreasonable.

 

When he realized he wasn't gaining ground and it began to derail, he switched his issue to me getting upset and quiet and not wanting to talk about it in the moment.

[WithLove]

M's guy does that, too - asks her often how she's feeling and if she's okay, then gets defensive often when the answer is anything but "okay". I guess it comes to lack of conflict resolution skills.

[reinventmyself]

M's guy does that, too - asks her often how she's feeling and if she's okay, then gets defensive often when the answer is anything but "okay". I guess it comes to lack of conflict resolution skills.

 

I feel for her

I think it runs deeper than conflict skills.

They hear something that triggers them from a deeper place.

It's really insecure and immature.

You should be able to hear how someone feels and not let drop you to your knees and take it so personally that you need to lash out.

[WithLove]

I personally just think he's really immature and selfish, and this is his first long term relationship - and the prior traits make him unwilling to learn how to be open and nonjudgmental.

 

Not sure what S's problem was. Maybe he's just a douche.

[reinventmyself]

I personally just think he's really immature and selfish, and this is his first long term relationship - and the prior traits make him unwilling to learn how to be open and nonjudgmental.

 

Not sure what S's problem was. Maybe he's just a douche.

 

Ha ha. . maybe.

[reinventmyself]

There is this little nagging notion that something else played a part in this.

 

S has 3 flights back to back. One day off in the middle of the week, next week.

and 2 days of in the middle of the following. He will not be home for the following 3 weekends.

 

Outside of the fact that the time together is a definite challenge that we agree on, he asked more than once what my plans are.

He knows my social lifestyle and is insecure about it. Though he has been better about it, I know it still creates anxiety for him while he's gone.

 

I can't help but wonder if this exacerbated his decision.

Is it a coincidence that when we broke up last time, it was the day before his schedule looked much like it does this time around again?

[reinventmyself]

7/07/16 I started not feeling safe speaking up because he inevitably would twist things around on me. So I would keep them to myself.

He's had such insecure reactions to anything I did say and felt so injured by it, if that makes sense? He would always ask me what I am thinking and over this last weekend we were together for 4 days and I told him that I didn’t feel safe saying some things to him because they often got blown out of proportion.

It was a mess.

 

He got upset and shut me out for hours. . 4th of July evening we sat in silence from 6 to midnight and went to bed not talking.

I understand that he was upset over something and needed time. But good grief. I have done that. . .stepped out for a moment or two or even as long as an hour to collect myself. But I don’t stonewall someone for an entire evening. It just wasn't in proportion to what transpired. But then again that's according to me, apparently not him

 

Going back and rereading my journal dated 7/7 last year.

Kinda reeling at what I wrote back then.

[Sportster2005]

This is the 2nd time it goes south so quickly, it makes my head spin.

It's done.

No going back. I made sure of that.

 

So sorry to hear reinventmyself.

 

Don't know what to day, so I'll say nothing, except hope you're doing well despite this.

[notalady]

Sorry to hear about what's transpired. I like your email. Although a bit emotional and not quite as diplomatic, but, it's real and truthful. Someone needed to call him out, and tell him a truth that is different to his.

 

Anyway onwards and upwards!

[Silverbirch]

I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what to say. This man has been a LOT o hard work. Not a bad person, just too much hard work.

[reinventmyself]

I am kind of a numb, walking zombie today. I recall this the last time. Then the emotions came a day or two later and hit me like a brick.

I think I'll do better this time. I reread last years entries and all the incredibly strong urges to contact him and the couple times I caved in.

I don't have the urge at all and I am pretty certain I won't.

 

Maybe going back over it did the trick and broke the spell. Either that or I am actually capable of learning something from my experiences.

I do love him. . I will miss him

I won't miss his passive ways about making plans.

The constant apologies, the constant thank you's . . for the weirdest stuff. Seriously.

I could make a list but I'll stop. . or do it another time. Or just cut and paste the last one.

 

There are a couple things I brushed under the rug that come to light today.

Recently we went to my friends birthday that was at a hotel with about 100 people.

These things had been triggers for S and I, because this includes my social life

and the friends that threaten him so much. He's been good about it and he needed to be included and exposed to it.

 

I am getting ready and fussing about what to wear. S: `Who are you trying to impress?' It was in a snarky tone. . sprinkled with insecurity and inferences of ulterior motives on my part. I bit back at him telling him 'I just take pride in how I look and I am not trying to impress anyone' He wants to get into a debate about it. I squashed it saying 'my personal hygiene isn't open for negotiation or debate" He still argues why I should care how I look and covers it with a compliment that I look good no matter what.

 

At this point he is like a dog with bone and still wants to challenge me on why the extra effort and why all the fuss?

I spun around and told him again`I always fuss when I get ready and I will continue to do so. This conversation is over'

 

He was seemingly good at the party but when we got home he was quiet, not affectionate and rolled over to sleep. I didn't overthink it, it was late and surely nothing happened that triggered him. The next day he shared with me that I either motioned to or said something to the band member because I know him? I don't know him, I've never seen him in my life. I lit up when he said that. He backs down mumbling something about an ex and her relationship with a guy in the band. Seriously. . so you want to exercise this out on me? He stopped in his tracks.

 

He did comment about one of my married friends dancing with someone else and asking me if I thought it was appropriate it or not.

At this point, I think I just shut the whole thing down because it was making me angry. I perfectly good night was not so perfect after all. He admitted all of this is what caused him to be shut down when we got home. (he was basically pouting)

I just responded. .`oh, I hadn't noticed"

 

Conveniently I pushed this under the rug

[reinventmyself]

I am having dinner with a girlfriend tonight. Going out with a bunch of girls on Saturday and golf on Sunday.

It's a good time to be single because those friends who had bf's in the past have all pretty much ended.

 

I won't be lonely. And anyone can quote me if they like `I won't be dating' Mabey never.

At least not for a very long extended period of time, if ever.

 

I have to acknowledge that part of being ok with this is S is out of the country for the most of 3 weeks.

Either way we would have been apart anyway

 

I have to be honest because there was a time or two recently that I was

looking forward to this upcoming break so I could detach from this relationship and reevaluate. I was curious and wanting to

compare if I was happier on my own and with my friends or with him. .because I didn't seem to be able incorporate all 3 at the same time.

 

I suppose I wanted to do so on my terms but the choice was taken from me. Oh well.

[saluk]

Sorry to hear the turn things have taken. One thing that seems clear to me: if a relationship is going to work for you at all, it HAS to be compatible with your social life. Not a separate box forcing you to have to try and balance everything.

[Batya33]

Was the walking on eggshells mostly about him needing constant reassurance that you were into him/interested in him/etc?

[reinventmyself]

Was the walking on eggshells mostly about him needing constant reassurance that you were into him/interested in him/etc?

That and not challenging him on anything.

[Batya33]

That and not challenging him on anything.

 

So if he gave any opinion you had to agree and he didn't want to hear even respectful disagreement?

 

Please understand the intent of my questions because I'm sure it's not clear. I am as here with you as I can be on a message board. I am really sorry you are going through this. Again. It's frustrating to read so I can only imagine. So my intent is to just understand and your examples/anecdotes are so detailed and clear -and I know they are just examples - to understand whether this also comes from his reacting to your needing space -so you know, negative attention is better than no attention. So if he can't deal with your need for space he behaves in this irritating/defiant way once you won't give him constant reassurance. Is that right?

 

I think, um, I can get overly sensitive with my husband. I do my best to calm myself down, to recognize when I am going down that path, and then to stop it and/or apologize. It's when I find him dismissive, or he seems to mumble instead of respond, or when his response is so laid back as to seem bored. And then I feel like nitpicking and telling him "you seem bored" for example. Sometimes I do, sometimes I just chalk it up to he must be tired/distracted, etc. So reading what you wrote concerned me about perceptions of what is eggshells and what is ok and where is that line.

 

It sounds like S crossed the line for basically anyone who wants a normal/healthy relationship. And more so that he seems oblivious to it and not open to making changes.

[Fudgie]

I really cringed when I read about the story of you getting ready to go to a social event with him and he's needling you, making you feel bad for taking pride in your appearance.

 

I'm sorry, that just makes me really sad. You don't deserve that treatment. You're not a rebellious teenager with a too-short skirt and he's not your father.

[reinventmyself]

Ahh Batya, great questions

Let me mull that around because it's not a simple answer and I'm not paddling with both oars in at the current moment.

I struggling with figuring myself out. Probably not responsibily objective for others.

In the meantime, thx for the kind words.

I will get back to you.

[notalady]

The constant apologies, the constant thank you's . . for the weirdest stuff.

 

That reminded me of my ex of 2.5 years and I really do get how you feel. It was constantly walking on egg shells when I talk to him because he seems super sensitive with whatever I say and get offended/ annoyed with me by the most random trivial and unpredictable things. Different triggers than the things that trigger S, but similar in the way that makes me feel. He was also very insecure and often defensive if he perceives what I'm saying as criticism.

 

I remember once we met near the train station and when I got out, I was holding a bottle of water. He told me there's no drinking or eating on the train. I said yea but this is just water. He said it doesn't matter, there's no drinking on the train! I said yeaaaaa? It's just water! He got mad at me for not being reasonable. And I got mad because it feels like he was yet again picking on me for something so trivial that it's laughable we're even talking about it. So we had a fight. On the way to meet friends. We were late because we couldn't resolve this on the way and he didn't want to go in. So we argued and talked and got over it eventually. Then I showed him the train authority website where it says, no food and drinks other than water. He only said, well I didn't know that. I was thinking....THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!! The point is you made a big deal out of nothing and to make it worse, when you don't even have all the facts!

 

Sorry for the random vent lol... but really, when you can't even be left in peace to just live your life and be yourself (like speak your mind normally and attend a social event like normal people do), then you know something is not right.

[reinventmyself]

That reminded me of my ex of 2.5 years and I really do get how you feel. It was constantly walking on egg shells when I talk to him because he seems super sensitive with whatever I say and get offended/ annoyed with me by the most random trivial and unpredictable things. Different triggers than the things that trigger S, but similar in the way that makes me feel. He was also very insecure and often defensive if he perceives what I'm saying as criticism.

 

I remember once we met near the train station and when I got out, I was holding a bottle of water. He told me there's no drinking or eating on the train. I said yea but this is just water. He said it doesn't matter, there's no drinking on the train! I said yeaaaaa? It's just water! He got mad at me for not being reasonable. And I got mad because it feels like he was yet again picking on me for something so trivial that it's laughable we're even talking about it. So we had a fight. On the way to meet friends. We were late because we couldn't resolve this on the way and he didn't want to go in. So we argued and talked and got over it eventually. Then I showed him the train authority website where it says, no food and drinks other than water. He only said, well I didn't know that. I was thinking....THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!! The point is you made a big deal out of nothing and to make it worse, when you don't even have all the facts!

 

Sorry for the random vent lol... but really, when you can't even be left in peace to just live your life and be yourself (like speak your mind normally and attend a social event like normal people do), then you know something is not right.

Funny and sad at the same time.

Thanks for sharing the story.

 

A small story but similar-

For a year and a half S has known I eat a late lunch at work and I typically don't eat dinner. I've been doing this for years. If I know I have a dinner planned for later, I adjust.

Socially it's a challenge because whether it's with friends or a date I like to know ahead of time but I never expect special consideration. I just adjust one way or another. No biggie.

 

More often then not I've had my large lunch at 2pm and it not easy to eat again at dinner. Suffice to say I either order an appetizer, bread or just have a drink.

 

This made S crazy! He works out alot and eats every freakin' hour. He's talking about his next meal while in the middle of one. He has a freaky high metabolism.

 

He picked me up at 6:30 to drive to another state 6 hrs away. He text me before asking what I wanted to snack on during the drive. I mentioned some mixed nuts ( honestly, I didnt need them by I knew saying that would bother him to no end. To someone who passive aggressive they think everyone else is too)

I get in the car and he's bought me all my favorite foods, a full chicken salad I like among other things. Normally the average person should be greatful, right?

 

But now I am blatantly being guilted into something I neither asked for or wanted.

I sat quietly during the drive with 2 conficting voices in my head.

 

'Aww, he's so sweet making the effort to get my favorite things'

The other voice "We' ve been here a zillion times already and when he offered I was specific. Why is he trying to make me feel like I'm intentionally try to hurt him?"

 

Irregardless, I may buy my man something he loves to eat, but I'm not going to get twisted about it or take it as personal attack when.hes not hungry. ESPECIALLY after I just asked him and he told me otherwise. Aaarghh!?

 

Ridiculous , I know but I've had some wine and venting with a good friend tonight.

 

Oh, . And half way into the drive I caved for the sake of peace and harmony and attempted to eat the dam* salad but we didn't have a fork.

 

Honest to God, I was mad at myself that I just couldn't just say . . No

Did I mention I had chicken salad for lunch that day?

[reinventmyself]

I really cringed when I read about the story of you getting ready to go to a social event with him and he's needling you, making you feel bad for taking pride in your appearance.

 

I'm sorry, that just makes me really sad. You don't deserve that treatment. You're not a rebellious teenager with a too-short skirt and he's not your father.

And I just now saw this. Thx Fudgie.

You having been thru something similar is comforting to know.