gypsybird87

Hang in there, Wolf. Your comment above, which I've marked with**, reminded me of something a male friend said to me while also struggling with NC: "I have to be stronger than her ignorance." I thought that was a good way to put it. In any case, it sounds like the effects this round have been much less for you, so that is great news. I'm still doing well. My ex and I have continued to have sporadic, friendly texting, some initiated by me, and some by him. I still feel really good about it. If there's something I feel like saying to him, I just say it. No more of that internal battle and forcing myself to just bear it and keep to the NC. I don't miss him anymore, and he's in my thoughts far less now than he was before. That allure of the *forbidden* is gone, and that's helping a bunch. I still like him as a person, but I can honestly say that my feelings distill more into friendship ONLY with every day that goes by. The butterflies have all flown the coop.

It's been nice chatting with you off and on over the last few weeks. It's such a relief to not miss you anymore. You still bug me with your sporadic texting style, just like you did when we were dating. But I hadn't expected any different, so no surprise there. The only change is that I'm far less impacted by it, because you matter less. I'm glad you are once again a part of my life, but you're not the center of my world anymore. When you text me, I reply. When I think of something I want to tell you, I text. But honestly I think of you less and less as the days go by. You're a good guy. I like you. But I don't love you anymore.

Hi reinvent... I'm enjoying reading your journal and considering starting one myself. Have you found it helpful/cathartic? Dating is so tricky but you seem to be navigating quite well. Keep living in the moment. I'm trying to do that as well.

Just sending you a hug, loveart. It was a sad, strange summer, wasn't it? Hang in there.

I just realized this morning that my pantry is a disorganized mess. So is the fridge. You with your OCD tendencies.... how many times did you take everything out of my pantry and/or fridge and reorganize it?! So many times. I couldn't care less if the "snacks" are all together, and "breakfast items" are all together, the salad dressings all in row etc etc. But it pleased you to do it, so I said nothing. Now, in sort of Sleeping With the Enemy fashion, I am enjoying the clutter. The disorganization feels more comfortable than the strict tidiness ever did. The pantry is mine. The fridge is mine. My life is mine.

Jonesey, thank you so much for your kind words and for your concern. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. He's already texted me today, so there's no 'what if he never...' but I understand what you're saying: the contact could dry up at any time, and I have to be prepared for that. I'm actually really surprised to hear from him today. I thought it would be several days if not longer before we spoke again. Part of this comes down to trust, I suppose. Staying friends was what he wanted; he was very upset when I kicked him out of my life via NC. Twice. Now he's back in the door, so we'll see what he does with that opportunity. If he was sincere about wanting to stay friends, then he'll put effort into making that happen. If that was a lie or whatever, then this whole thing will fizzle and that will be that. If that happens it would sting for sure. But it would also kill Item #3 from the list of relationship essentials that I wrote on your post, remember?: trust and respect. And if that happens, it will be easy for me to walk away. Well, not *easy*, but you know what I mean. I have zero interest in investing in someone I cannot trust or respect, past history or not. I'm just going to take this one day at a time. Whatever happens, happens. Our old relationship is dead, and this has to be something completely new and able to stand on it's own merit. If it can, it will. And if not, then at least I won't have to wonder "what if."

I'm glad to hear that. And well... answering as objectively as I can (which I'm sure many here would say is impossible), yes, I do. Otherwise I wouldn't be attempting it. He and I shared a lot, and supported each other through a lot. There are things we've told each other that we haven't told anyone else. Our relationship always had a solid foundation of friendship. If that can be salvaged, why throw it away? I don't have so many friends I can afford to lose a good one, and neither does he. It's the "with no romantic feelings" bit that's the tricky part, and remains to be seen. That's the part I have to take one step at a time, and keep checking in with myself and how I feel. If it gets sticky, then I'll have let the friendship go.

Thanks. Having never gone through this before, I have no idea how it will progress. I completely understand the logic in what you're describing. I hope that won't happen to me too, but who knows. My approach to this is sort of like walking through a marsh, one small step at a time, and only as long as the ground feels solid under me. If it gets questionable or uncomfortable, then I will need to change course or stop altogether. Thanks for always being so supportive of me. And I hope you are having a good day too.

I stepped off the NC train yesterday. I was feeling calm and relaxed, and the timing felt right. I sent him a simple text saying hello and asking how his summer has been. He replied, very excited, "Wow! Hi!!" and a longgg text about how he's doing, and asking how I've been. There followed an exchange of long text messages that lasted over two hours, until I had to go to my class at the gym. Zero relationship talk. It was all friendship talk: work, hobbies, travel, catching up. I feel like a thousand pound weight has been lifted off me. I feel SO much better, I can't even describe it. That feeling of forcing myself to maintain NC was getting unbearable. I feel much better now. I have no idea when we will communicate again, but I'm not worried about it. It's up to him to initiate the next conversation, and if that takes days or weeks then so be it. We are forming a new relationship, as friends, and time will tell if he's a friend I'll talk to daily, weekly, or monthly. I have friends who fall into all of those categories, and he'll land wherever he's meant to. Will we just text chat, or will we ever talk on the phone or see each other again face to face? I have no clue and it doesn't matter. One step at a time, and this first step felt good and right, and that's all that matters right now. Will we reconcile? Doubtful. Is he dating? Probably. Can we be friends? True, real friends? I think so.

I love ENA. I read something on another persons thread that has given me something to think about, and changed my perspective in a really positive way. The thread was about losing a faithful vs unfaithful partner. But the same logic can be applied to you and me: You lost a partner who loved you and was fully committed to being with you. A partner who accepted you completely, including all your faults. I lost a partner who is emotionally unavailable, and unable to commit. A partner who is still so stuck in his past that he can't recognize something unique and amazing, even when it was right in front of his face. So who lost more? I realize now, it wasn't me. I hate when people say "it's your loss." But in this case, yeah... It really was. It's your loss.

Could you please stop being everywhere?! I've expressed this before... but come on. I am so tired of it. Today I just found a root beer flavored hard candy in my desk drawer. It's a specific kind and it came from a restaurant I've only been to with you. I haven't been there since, and have no desire to go there, ever again. I can't decide if I want to eat it, or throw it away. Sigh. I'm so f*cking tired of this.

DAY # Ihavenofricken idea. Last contact was June 2nd... so, I dunno. Awhile. Literally all I can think of is breaking NC and texting him. I am sick of missing him. SICK. OF. IT. And here is the thing: four months + since breakup, and 2 months + of NC, and my missing him has not diminished at all. Not even a little. My pain, yes. I feel pretty happy and good most of the time, especially when I'm busy doing fun things with fun friends. But even my alone time is peaceful. I've filled in all the holes that his departure punched into my schedule. I'm either busy and social, or relaxed on my own. Either way feels fine. I don't feel loneliness, despair, rejection, hopelessness, none of that icky stuff I was mired in at first. I'm just living my life, and it feels almost exactly like it did when I was single before I met him. But in spite of all that progress, I miss him just as much as I did on day one. Time is the great healer, and I feel reasonably healed, though nowhere near completely healed. But the passage of time isn't doing sh*t when it comes to how much I miss him. I want to talk to him. Every day things come up that I want to share with him. And so I wonder, every day, about contacting him as friends. Friends is what he wants. It's not what I want, but it might be possible. I'm really curious whether it would make my missing of him more.... or less. I just don't know. But I am sick of feeling this way. It feels so completely stupid and pointless, that I am depriving myself of seeing/talking to someone who very much wants to see and talk to me. Will we get back together? I don't believe in miracles so I'm going to say no, that's highly unlikely. But why are we both sitting here missing each other? What is the point of staying apart? It has helped me heal to this point, I get that. But that seems to have hit a wall where it isn't going any further. The passage of time apart now seems irrelevant. It definitely helped/is still helping my pain. But it isn't helping the missing AT ALL. And I'm getting tired of fighting it.

Remember how we used to spend Sunday mornings? We'd make love, then get up and shower together. You'd bake blueberry muffins, usually in the nude, which I always found sexy and amusing. You'd brew coffee for me, even though you don't drink it yourself. We'd sit outside on the covered patio and quietly eat and talk. If it was stormy we'd snuggle under blankets and watch the rain come down. Sometimes, we'd go back to bed, and make love again. This morning I slept in. I snuggled my dog. I baked blueberry muffins (though not while naked), and I'm enjoying a lovely breakfast outside, watching the squirrels and listening to the birds. I may or may not go back to bed. Where are you?

Right there with you, loveart. I'm not nervous about my date tonight, but I'm worried that all I will do is compare, compare, compare.... Sigh.

So guess what? I have a date tonight. Met a very nice guy, and we are meeting for a first date at the new restaurant that I wanted you and I to go to. I can't figure out how I feel about all this. I don't feel excited, I don't feel nervous. I don't feel much at all except that it's been nice to have some male attention, and I'm happy I'll finally get to check out this new place, since friends have been raving about it. I remember our first date. We'd been chatting online, and you said you were excited and nervous to meet me. You asked if I was nervous too. I said no, and that was the truth. This kind of thing just doesn't affect me like that. I'm going to go and be myself, and this guy will either like me or he won't. Not the end of the world either way. That was the advice I gave you, way back then. Don't be nervous, just be yourself. We're going to have a great time. And.... we did. So how's it going for you now? Are you going on first dates, and are you still nervous and scared? Or maybe you've been dating one person steadily. Or maybe (*gasp*) you've found your unicorn, aka The One, and are happily riding her off into the sunset. It's possible, I suppose.... but I doubt it. I'll be glad when I get to the point that I don't care who you're dating or who you're f*cking. I'll be very, very glad.

I'm getting frustrated. I'm starting to feel more and more ready to explore the possibility of being friends with you. I still have some down moments, but they aren't as far down and I rebound quicker. A lot quicker, actually. And I miss you but it's about the fun things we did together, the conversations we had about your work, or mine, or our shared hobbies. The kinds of things we would still talk about, if we were actively friends right now. I don't daydream about having sex with you. I can't remember the feel of your kiss. What I miss is simply your presence. I've never been friends with an ex. You have. You think we can do it. My ingrained habit is still to trust you and go with that... but for what it's worth, my gut agrees with you. It thinks we can be friends too. So there's that. Then I come on here and it seems every thread mentions keeping NO contact *forever* , and you can't be friends with ex's, and it's not really a friendship if it was ever more. Etc etc etc etc. And I talk to a friend of mine, who immediately gives me a hard time and says being friends with you would be pointless, and only cause unnecessary drama and pain. How can anyone say that you and I can or cannot be friends? How can anyone know this, except for you and me? Every relationship is different. Every breakup is different. Every person on this planet is different. And the decision about friendship between you and me is our choice alone. You've already said you're willing, many times. I'm willing too. The part I'm still debating is if it's *possible*. Not because of any hard and fast rules, or what anyone else thinks, but because this will be a brand new relationship for us, and like any new relationship, romantic, platonic or otherwise.... it may work out, and it may not. And like any relationship, there is a risk of pain. I wish we could talk about it, the way we talked out absolutely everything, including our breakup conversation of 3+ hours. Calm, rational, respectful, caring. We need to decide together if our friendship is worth it. If the risk is worth it. If it has a"point", or if it's just a guarantee of drama. No one else can decide this for us. So.... I think I'm done talking about it, with anyone, until I'm ready to talk to the only other person whose opinion matters, and that's you. Not now. Not yet. Soon.

I know what you mean. I had a whole thread on here where I agonized over blocking him on Facebook, and everyone was urging me to do it. I literally made myself physically sick over it. Now... eh... it's a trivial thing really. And my best take-away from that feeling is how far I've come from the emotional angst I felt when I put the block in place. This is where I am now. It's a long ways from where I was then. Like you said, we are where we are. It's a process.

I continue to be bass-ackwards in pretty much everything. It's been nearly two months since I "officially" broke NC and reached out to my ex. I did so against all advice here, to verify that his feelings hadn't changed, so I could let go of hope and move on. After about 4 days of sporadic friendly contact, I told him I couldn't continue and put NC back in place. He was upset, for the second time, as he wants very much to stay actively friends. Anyway, the broken NC was helpful in the way I needed it to be, because I finally got unstuck and began moving forward with my healing. I had blocked him much earlier on facebook and Pinterest. The facebook block is pretty comprehensive; the Pinterest one is not. I can still see his page, and if he wishes he can still see mine. It's a pointless block, really. You can't message each other or send pins but other than that it's useless. I freely admit.... over the last two months I had gotten into a bad habit of regularly stalking his Pinterest page. I don't know why, other than to maintain that feeling of connection. The pins themselves are boring, and not about anything I'm interested in. Bleh. So, in my usual backwards craziness, I unblocked him yesterday. On both Facebook and Pinterest. And since then I haven't looked at either one and have no desire to. I think maybe the forbidden-ness (is that a word?) of them being blocked was adding some false allure that wasn't really there. I hope this feeling of "meh" continues. I really would like to be friends with him someday, but that can only happen once I am completely over him, with all gauges reading "meh". Not sure if I will get there, but it will happen if it's meant to. For now just taking it one day at a time, and living my life for me. As a sidenote... every time I want to post on this thread I have trouble finding it, because I forget it's filed under "Getting Back Together." Sigh.

It's a beautiful evening. I'm sitting outside on the patio, listening to the crickets and the breeze rippling through the trees, and thinking about the many nights we sat out here together. Just talking, laughing, enjoying each other's company. I have no idea where you are right now. You could be out of town or even out of state for work. You might be out for a drink with friends. Or you could be with another woman, and enjoying this beautiful night with her. My guess though is that you're "home" alone. Working on projects, lost in your own little world, in a place with no windows and no life. If you are dating, maybe she is looking at the clock like I used to do, and wondering when the hell you'll finally show up. I still miss you, but it's changing. The pain is fading, slowly. The empty place you left in my life is being gradually filled in with new people and new activities. I'm still pathetic enough though, to want to tell you about all those new things. Maybe someday. If I'm right, and you are alone tonight, remember that I'm alone too. The chair beside me where you always sat is empty. You should be here right now.

Today I am afraid. I'm making peace with the fact that we will never be a couple again. But the idea that we might never be friends terrifies me. Why does it scare me so much? I feel so weak. I HATE feeling weak.

I miss you. Are you missing me? Or have you already moved on, replaced me, and don't even think about me anymore. I think about you every day. Many times. Every single day. Do I cross your mind even once? I miss you.

It's July 4th. "Independence Day", and I could not feel more trapped, caged and miserable. I am so sick of missing you. So sick of hurting. I feel like such a hypocrite for giving advice on here that I can't even follow myself. All I can think about today is YOU. I have very specific memories of last year, how we spent the holiday together. It was scorching hot. We slept in, made hot sweaty love, then showered and went down to the pool for the day. That night my best friend came over. You grilled us some burgers, then we all walked to the park for the fireworks. We took my dog with us. He was okay at first, then got scared, more by all the people than the noise I think. You carried him most of the way home, and he was happy, because he trusted you. We both did. We both loved you and trusted you, and you left us both. So this year, the dog and I are alone, and I have no idea where you are...what you're doing...who you're with. Are you dating someone new? Spending the day with her, perhaps? And is she everything you hoped for when you dumped me in search of "more"? Ugh. I sound so angry. And I'm really not. I'm just hurt. And sick of hurting. Sick of being left by men who always seem to think they can do better than me. I'm smart, adventurous, loving, loyal, fun, self-sufficient, not horrible to look at, and reasonably sane. Why is that NEVER enough for men like you? And why do I keep putting myself through this, hoping that this time, it will be different. It never is, and I always get hurt.... and maybe I'm not that smart after all. Meanwhile, all I want to do is call you. Text you. Connect with you somehow other than this pointless typing that you'll never read and wouldn't care if you did. I feel so unbelievable pathetic right now. So I guess it's a good thing you aren't around, because you'd take one look at how I'm acting and think, yep... I made the right choice in dumping that one. Oh wait... you already DO think that. That's why you did it.

I dreamed about you again last night. I'm really tired of that happening. It leaves me feeling so weird when I wake up. As usual lately it wasn't a good or bad dream, nothing sexy and nothing dramatic. I actually think we were roommates or something. I was looking at a 'to do' list written in your handwriting, and you came upstairs and said "a boy" was on the phone for me. You made it sound like this 'boy' was someone interested in me or someone I was interested in, and that it was not a problem in any way between us. So weird. Probably this all ties in to my hope that someday we can be friends. The kind of friends who would be fine with watching each other date. I don't know if we'll ever get there. Maybe. I did have you on the brain last night. I was making plans with a friend to walk over to the hot air balloon festival tomorrow evening. We will stay late enough to watch the balloon glow, and that will mean walking back home in the dark. And I remembered last year, going there with you. Walking home in the dark, holding your hand. Your strong, warm hand. And you had a flashlight and your gun because you're always Mr. Prepared For Anything, and I felt so safe and protected with you. Part of what I still struggle with is this sense of vulnerability now that you're gone. That once again it's only me, and I have no one to look to but myself. I wish I felt more up to the job.... Also I'm starting to notice men. I'm not flirting or doing anything that "advanced" yet, lol... but I am noticing good looking men in the world around me. That's something I never do while in a relationship. It's not a conscious choice, I just become sort of oblivious. But now I see them again. And they see me. And if they smile, I smile back. I'm slowly coming to terms with the realization that someday, there will once again be a man in my life. And he won't be you. And that's your loss, not mine.

Lions and tigers can hunt. TIGER