Spartan1

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Your answers can be found in his eyes. Take a look at them. Give him a sexy look and a warm smile then glance a way.

You could be in a loving relationship with the most beautiful, sexy woman ever and then, bam! You lose the attraction for them. Could be any number of reasons. Often, it is you are so used to them, maybe things have got stale in the bedroom department or you or the person changes over time. This is were the dating guru's and agony aunt's tell you to "rekindle" your relationship, do things differently, talk more, remember how you both got together, bring back a bit of romance and all that stuff. Spartan

Best form of revenge: Say to them: "I am really happy. Life is good. No regrets and I wish you all the best. See ya." There is nought more leathal than a genuine warm friendly smile hiding a complete lack of indifference underneath.

Thank you very much for the replies! Aye, from what you are saying it looks like it is shaping up to be what I didn't want to hear rather than what I had hoped. But at least I know now. From what you are saying in reality it doesn't matter how many x's there are - it means nought more than a single x. Time for me to keep it real I think. (always a good thing) I wondered what that circle was on another text I got from a friend. I now know it was a hug! Good job she was a lass eh! Aye a very good point and I should know this already but I dunno, sometimes you need someone to point it out to you when you yourself are the person in the situation. Many thanks! If body language was to go by then it is very very good between us. A lot of flirting, touching, eye contact, fooling around and generally having a good time and very close on the dance floor. Mind you saying that, she is flirty by nature, so back to square one.... Aye, same here. Still cannot get my head around the emails and texting. Feels a tad alien to me. I am aware I am getting sucked into this texting business when I know all to well - it's bad and no replacement for seeing the person or talking to them over the phone! I say bad because I spent a whole night trying to placate my mate who argued with his gf by text but was fine with her face to face, and then there is me here looking at a xx and over analyzing it. I know why I am doing it, because I like her so much and doing that thing where you look for hints they like you the same way. I will ask her out. I have asked her out once before and she said "maybe" followed by "after Christmas". I will ask her one last time but if she says maybe or no, then it's good bye from me. Head held high, shoulders back, chest out and force march on full speed out of there! It will be hard because I really do fancy her a lot and we get on so well, a lot of chemistry but I am not going to stand around to be her friend and watch her date someone else. No way. It will be painful, but moving on is what I will have to do. And if she says yes, I will buy everyone a beer or juice for the non-drinkers! Spartan

This is probably a really stupid question but please be patient with a non-texter like me. I got my mobile and since I have got into this dating business I been trying to understand this texting lark with the "x" at the end of a message. I only put an x on the end for female friends. But I wondered. I been flirting for several months with this lass and it is building up to me asking her out. In truth, I don't know were I stand. But I notice she puts a "XX" at the end of her texts to me. The texts themselves are not flirty as we text very few times in the last few weeks and she is not much of a texter either. I plan to ask her out this week. But just wondered. This "Xx" at the end? In your world of texting is that a special kiss at the end of a message or not. I would like to think it was but you know how these things are...everyone no doubt texts different right? Thankyou for you help in advance. Spartan PS: It took me three months and one lady who I dated for several months who suddenly asking me, "why don't you put an x at the end of your text to me?" to realise what all this business was! Playing catch up here.

When I talked about fear of breaking the ice it was in reference to this part of one of your previous post: It just appeared to me you are to afraid just to give him a call on the fly and ask him how his day was, etc. As to how to forget him. Well. The only way involves distancing yourself from him or getting to know him to find out he is not quite as wonderful as you first thought. Find the flaws. You have to take the most difficult challenge and embrace it. For you it seems you want to stop thinking about him but you cannot because you don't want to. Your have to break your cycle of thinking in relation to Jason. You need other things to distract you. Personally I would call him and chat to him. If you get on then all and good. If it doesn't pan out then cut him out your life so you can get on living it. Sounds painful. But hey, you sometimes got to do the thing you hate most in order to move forward. Whatever happens I wish you all the best. I think many of us at one time or another have felt that pull of obssession over someone. Spartan

Confidence is the key. Trying to get that confidence is a journey that begins in your teens. If you want a golden rule to go by this is it: "Act confident. Make firm decisions. Do not be bothered if you are dating or not. Enjoy life, have a smile on you face with all women you meet and learn to understand body language a little. Also make female friends" Believe it or not it takes time to do this properly and get the right balance. But basically you have a great start! If you are getting compliments then obviously looks wise you are hot to the women. Thats great but will only get you so far as you have already realised. Ironically. To attract the ladies you have to not actually care about having a girlfriend. Think of it from another perspective. If a girl asked you out just because she wanted a boyfriend, how special would you feel? Not a lot. So you got to play the game. You do that by not giving a damn or at least portraying you do not give a damn. Then when you meet a girl you like ask her out. Good luck! Spartan

Think you are right there 11flower. Personally, I know when I think I have met someone who I could sense would be a soul mate. It's quite simple really. I workout in the gym a lot. To much really and that is even with two other hobbies on the go and work.... I know when I have met someone special when I want to stop pumping iron so much and spend more and more time with her. I will be working out one day and suddenly think to myself, what am I doing here? I should be with her. Then I will know. She will be the one who gets me out the gym and so far no lass has done that or even come close. Not yet. But one day it will happen and it won't be down to fate either.... Spartan

Fretless wrote: Excellent.

I have been the soul mate of three women accoring to them.... Work that one out.

Good luck young man! As the others have said just enjoy the relationship for what is but please don't get to heavy!!! It will kill it off. The other thing is. Rarely does young love last and if you are talking soul mates then 5 or 10 year relationships are small fry compared to 50 years! You will change. She will change. You may or may not change together. Main thing is to stay young and just enjoy your time together. Forget about all this soul mate stuff.

Definition of a soulmate: Someone who teaches and helps u to unfold urself, like a lotus of countless petals, instead of growing like a reed. And several years later ends the relationship, divorces you, etc.... I prefer: Definition of a soulmate: It is like suddenly realising you are in heaven. When you meet someone they are not your soulmate. A soulmate is someone who you discover in the twilight of your years together. Someone who stayed with you all that time, when you change together, experience life together. That is true love and it has to be nutured with time and requires a lot of patience, understanding and effort, through good and bad times for the eventual reward is heaven on earth. Most people never realise that heaven is something you create inside you and share it with the world - not just somewhere you go when you die.

There is no such thing as soul mates. There is such a thing as perspective. For some people who fall in love it may feel like that but it all boils down in the long term to compatability and each relationship is unique. How many married couple with kids are truly happy? Not that many nowdays from what I have encounted. To many wives feeling unloved, to many husbands feeling they need space. Finding what is termed a soul mate is the wrong way to go about things. Even if you meet someone it could all be over in a few years. Peoples expectations are way to high nowdays. The grim reality is a lot of people go through life never having anything more than a fleeting relationship. There are many lonely folk out there who know what the grim reality is. But it is no excuse for self pitying. It is nice to reflect about the absurdity of it all from time to time but never spend to much time dwelling on it or it will drive you nuts. There is only one thing in life worth doing. Self improving. It has nothing do with "six packs, good looks, wealth and all that crap plainer folk use as an excuse for not meeting people". And sorry to sound harsh but it is an excuse. People give up to easily. They put it down to fate, to feeling rejected by the cosmos, the god they worship, women (and men) in general and life. If you want love. You don't look for it. As soon as you look for it you mind begins to measure success in relation to time. Don't believe me? Sit down and do ABSOLUTLY nothing for three hours and guess exactly when those three hours are up. Think of that as a metaporh for your life. Three hours is a long time doing nothing..waiting for something and getting it most probably wrong. Instead, work on yourself. Find hobbies, keep on talking to women like you are doing, you are a funny guy and that is your strength. Use it. Don't ever give up on it. Clubs and bars don't work? Train yourself up to chat to women anywhere and anytime. You have probably had this kind of advice given to you time and time again. You have probably read it hundreds of times in your search for love. I know how you feel. Blimey, the number of times I just think I have had enough. I ain't ugly either just a plain looking lad. I am 33 years old, divorcee, two years older than you. I got myself down the gym, worked out to feel good, then worked on the other aspects of life. One of the guys I encourage down the gym is 37 and weighs 23 stone, wears glasses and describes himself as plain. Yet he has the humour and never say die attitude that gets him more success with women than I do! He is a legend in my eyes because he never gives in. He has my respect. Wealth is not the key. Looks are not the key. They help but they are not the secret to finding someone you can call a soulmate. Confidence, humour, looking after yourself physically, mentally and spiritually and most importanly never giving up is the way forward. Anything else is self pitying and a waste of time.... tick..tock.... And yes. In the past I spent a few Saturdays in staring at the ceiling and wishing something would just happen to an ugly bloke like me. It is how you use your time is the most important thing. Women are generally attracted to confidence, humour, self-sufficiency, a bit of empathy, looking after yourself physically and a positive attitude. Good looks and wealth are nice wrapping but that's all they are. Spartan

Hello Vaxil. Well. I hope the phone call went well. From reading your posts I can kind of understand what you are saying. The most important thing is you realise it is some kind of obssession you have for Jason. Realising that fact alone will help you greatly. I think firstly you need to have more confidence in yourself and careless what other people think. From reading your posts there is one reoccurring emotion you show - FEAR! You are afraid to break the ice with Jason outside of the cast related contact. You are afraid of what he thinks of you. Naturally, you fill in the bits of information you do not know with negative stuff. He cannot possibly like me? He will have no time for me? I am so different from everyone else? And so on.... That is what is in your head. Work on your confidence. Don't forget about Jason but you do have to stop the hero worship. It's great to have respect for someone but there is nothing better in this world than empowering yourself. Freeing yourself of the chains you put around yourself that tie you down and stop you from meeting people. Meeting people like Jason - ON AN EQUAL LEVEL - and by that I mean he is no better than you. Yes, he blends into the crowd well but you to can learn those social skills if you really want to. It is all up to you lass. Whatever happens. Don't let "thoughts of losing him" stop you from living life. YOU ARE WORTH more than that. The way forward is confidence and be willing to take risks and learn. No risk. No gain. You will be forever stuck in the "he must think this, I am only this to him" stagnent situation. If it don't work out - move on. Spartan

If you see someone you like, male or female - go for it. We only live once (unless you believe in reincarnation) so enjoy life and find a stylish way to break the ice. Most guys I know would be chuffed if a girl asked them out for a date. Just do not show yourself to be to keen. Showing interest is good, but most guys (and women for that matter!) run a mile if you get to keen to early. Spartan

Wolfie, don't read to much into the text because, text, like email can be interpreted in so many different ways. How many people have had a tiff or argument over an email, one person saying they meant it to read this way and the other person read it another way entirely? The answer: Billions. My advice is to give her a call. Speak to the lass and do it sooner rather than later. Good luck. Spartan

Bad karma happens to everyone. My friend Bob for instance, is a schitzophrenic, he lost his dad to cancer, his mum is suffering badly to. He is the kindest, warm hearted person I know, who looks after other people. He has a rumbling big laugh, he is single and looks wise he is nothing to right home about. But his spirt. He has overcome so much including being locked away in a paddeds cell and pumped with chemicals. His secret? He always has a ready smile and a laugh. When you are at your lowest ebb, when things just seem to happen to you and you just got to take it on the chin, then is the time to take what good you can from a bad experience. Good karma comes about from looking at the few good things you have in life and appreciate them. Bad karma comes about from seeing everything is bad. I hope this helps going someway to answering your question. Keep looking at the good things you do have in your life and work on creating more good things for yourself and those around you.

Hi folks. I just got back into dating again a few weeks ago. On Thursdays I go to this dance class (cheroc, which is a jive based partner dancer). About 4-5 weeks ago, some new ladies joined the class. One of them K, was very flirty with me and I was very flirty with her. There was a definite spark, a lot of eye and body contact. Anyway, the second week I didn't get to dance with her because one of the other ladies there need to chat (a dad had died and she just needed to talk to someone). After chatting to this friend I went to seek out K and noticed she and this other guy were exchanging numbers so I left them in peace. I could not go the following week because I was on vacation, and the week after I was at a singles event. Last week I went there and she grabbed me to dance. Later, when I walked past her to go into the beginners class I over heard say to the woman next to her "I need a new man". Anyway, she followed me in (the guy who I pressume she was now dating was not around) and grabbed me. While we dance we flirted. It was a hot evening and she would regularly put her fingers through her hair and smile at me. Later I danced with her friend and mentioned I was keen on K. She said, why didn't you ask her out? She is going out with E now. I just shrugged and said it looks like I missed out. At the end of the night she grabbed me and said she heard I had the hots for her and if you don't ask you don't get. A good point I guess. Anyway, I offered her my number and she said, don't worry about it yet, will I be there next week? Of which I said yep. (sorry this so long by the way) This week. OK. This week was a strange one. One year ago, from this week I had separated from my wife and what followed was 3 months of mainly no contact, maybe we will get back together, maybe we won't - the worst part of my life and the lowest I had ever been. Anyway, x-wife phones up complains about lack of decent men in their 30's, how she is missing me, wants to know who I am seeing, the grass has turned out not to be greener - you get the picture? Anyway, that is not my concern but it left me in a really unsettled mood. Tuesday came around and I went on a first date with a lass who I met at the singles event. It was a really good date, a lot of chemistry and she is really keen on me. By Wednesday I was back into an unsettled frame of mind. Then it came to Thursday. It was time to find out what was happening with K. When I got there, she was her boyfriend. During the night I asked if we could chat and we went outside. She explained that E was not her boyfriend, they have a relationship but she is not his girlfriend and he is not her boyfriend (yep, I was trying to work that one out). She said she has not dated for 5 years, is very independent, has spent time finding herself and is only now getting into dating, she wants fun, the relationship with E is not going anywhere and she wants to experience other men. I said normally I would not ask out another man's woman but since they are not boyfriend and girlfriend I will ask. So I asked her out. She replied "This isn't a no but.." At which point I beamed her a big smile and said, yep it is a no and laughed. She insisted it was not a no but fool that I am I said, it is a no. Eventually she said, you want a No? Then it is a no. The reason I think I went down this route was, it felt like one year on I was keen on someone and was faced with the no, maybe yes, not sure scenario and I never wanted to get into that situation again. Stupid I know. I didn't even let her finish her no but sentence. She said I didn't know her and described herself as a bit of cow. I saw that as her having been badly hurt in the past, I mean 5 years is a long time not to date. Anyway, I explained to her the reason I needed to know was the blonde who I dated the week before wanted to meet up for a second time and if K wanted to date, I would drop the blonde if K wanted to go out. The conversation ended with me saying, well if you want to date let me know, l may or may not be there. One thing that seemed clear was she was not going to dump E anytime soon to go out with me, even though the relationship is going no where. She nodded and smiled and twice said to me to come and find her and ask her for a dance. Inside, I kinda new I had engineered my own result, probably out of not wanting to be in the maybe, maybe not situation again. I dunno. I am very keen on K, I fancy her, like her and want to get to know her and I hate the fact I am chasing once more. We are electric together. The body language is very flirty and very positive and she keeps sneaking glances at me as I do her. But am I being played? Am I on a path to nowhere? The dating with the blonde is going to go nowhere because of age difference, it is just dating. I want to go out with K but how do I play it from now on? I was planning on next Thursday, going along and being my normal happy smiley self, dance with a load of ladies, dance with K and flirt as normal the maybe take her outside for a brief chat, explain to her I was a little bit moody last week and say sorry for not letting her explain the Not a No thing more thoroughly and not put words in her mouth like I done last week. Tell her, if she wants to get together for a bit of fun when she finishes with E to look me up. Should I do this? What would you do? Am I being played? Thankyou ahead of time. K has got under my skin a bit. After that rather strange week, my emotions and mood are back to normal and now I need to plan on what to do next Thursday and how to play it from now on. Any advice would be most welcome.

Just had an interesting phone call on Thursday. Ex-wife called up. During the break up and the final divorce she has never called me before, it was always me calling her when I had to contact her as she always done things through the solicitor. I myself kept my calls to a minimum. Anyway, she calls up and we begin chatting. I am thinking to myself, why call me? She is the past. Gone. She left, she made up a ton of stuff about me to get a quicky divorce, she wanted the great single life, she gave up on marriage. Why she calling me? Ten years down the drain. Over, done with. I got my life sorted out, learnt from my mistakes and had moved on. Her conversation consisted of: Her male friends are hitting on her even though she has made it clear she is not interested. These must be the male friends of the new crowd she hooked up with before she asked for divorce because all her other male friends are married. Why she is telling me this, I don't know. I don't care anymore. After nine months of emotional pain I am a bit numbed to her woes. I said to her, these men must of been keen on you for some time, why not date? Give them a chance. There are not many good men out there apparently. Eh? I told her there are loads of good women, not had a problem meeting any. Been asked out on three dates but decided not to date and stay as friends. No good men she says? I told her she is right, all we want is sex really and if her mates up for it as well, all the better. Everyone together...men are bad Sounds like this crowd of singles she fell in with before she asked for divorce are running out of steam. That leaves her with her married friends who are her oldest and are a really nice crowd. I really liked them and miss them. But why is she calling me up to complain about the single life she choose? I don't want to know. I don't care anymore. I told her that her new found single and divorced friends would after a year or so, fade away because they are seeking what most people seek - someone to share life with. I felt so strong when we talked. I made a point of learning from my mistakes but I get this feeling she has not learnt a thing. She hasn't grown from the experience. I was back in my old role of boosting up her confidence which is what I done when we started dating ten years ago. I refuse to do it now, she is a 35 year old woman who values independence, her house and her money over love and relationships. She has her independence. In all honesty, good luck to her. The green stuff will make a nice comfy bed for her to lie in at night. There are few feelings in this world that can rival the sheer pleasure in forgiving and forgetting. To let things be, to stay calm and simply walk away and let them get on with it. My ex wife sounded lonely, eager for conversation, suspiciously intrigued by what I was doing in my life and who I was dating. And to be honest, it was refreshing to be in control, to end the conversation amicably even though she wanted to talk more and to show how I healed beyond her wildest expectations and came out of it stronger than I have ever been. I am more in tune with myself now than I have ever been in my entire life. Time is not the healer. It is what you do with it. You can spend years, decades moping around and not healing or you can focus your time from the moment you break up. My advice is to focus as soon as you can, as soon as you feel able to. Reason I posted is because this person was a part of my life for ten years. I am 33, that is a big chunk of my life. And no, I will not be friends with my ex wife. She could of let two years go by and divorce for a few hundred pounds, but she choose instead to strip me of my dignity and being. Something a friend would never of done. Everyone here can walk out strong if they put their mind to it. Good luck everyone.

I agree with Danimal77. My wife left me after a ten year relationship. Three years of which we were married. I was absolutely stunned when someone who I was so close to turned so cold. There was absolulty nothing I could say or do right in her eyes. This is the same sort of period you are in at the moment. No matter, what you do or say things will be interpretted by her, in the worst possible light. Every action will be interpretted as either an attempt to get her back or to spite her for leaving you. You must ask herself why she thought you would send the virus? What makes a woman leap from being a lover and best friend to suspecting you of motives that would never of entered your head and is not in your nature? The reason she is expecting some of ex-gets even action. She is expecting payback for leaving you. I don't know why but that tends to be the train of thought some people go through. What throws them is when you are nice, respectful, mature and happy for them. Or at least that is the face and attitude you let them see when they talk to you. The way to play it from now on is to focus on yourself. It will be hard. Incredibly hard because you have been together for ten years. But you have to do it. She knows you love her. She knows you want to be with her. Don't worry about this real man stuff. The same rules apply to both genders. You are doing the right thing by remaining pleasant, mature, indifferent and by not appearing needy. She needs space. You are doing the right thing by giving her this space. Do not write any more notes though. There is little to no point. She needs to miss you. I made the mistake of writing the odd note, this can sometimes lead to longer notes. It is a trap not worth getting into. Focus on yourself. Find new interests if you can get motivated. Leave it to her to contact you for a while. Things may yet work out as you want. Out of interest, my ex-wife had changed her attitude for good, people change over time for better or for worse. One final thought. Often to get what we want we have to take actions than run contrary to what we think we should be doing. Strange, but true. Good luck. Spartan.

A very good post AB with a lot of truth in there.

I can understand were you are coming from Spatz. My mind and thoughts are very similiar to yours - getting the ethusium up for the hard work in the early stages of a relationship, inevidable comparisons to the ex, that thought you are dating people because you feel lonely and are used to sharing with a partner and finally the sense you are drifting, not misterable but not entirely happy with what you got and in the back of your mind wanting your ex back. As you say, these thoughts are negative and do us no favours, but they are a natural phase to go through. It's difficult because it is healthier for you to get out there and most importantly have an open mind about anyone you meet. On the other hand, if you are in an emotional vaccum (for lack of a better word) and know things are not going to work out then its not fair on the new girl. However, life has a curious way of toying with people. When you want someone there is no one around, when your with someone you want someone else, when someone is very keen on you, deep down you are not so keen on them because your emotions are, I don't know, some where but not for them. It's kinda confusing. I will stop by and watch what advice folks give you and will take it on board myself. Maybe the problem could be to much analysis and to not think so much and just let things progress naturally. Remember, if you still hanker for your ex then your mind will be closed off to the qualities of most women you meet. Good luck Spatz whatever happens.

Even couples that do things together all the time split up. Trying to get that balance between doing your own thing and spending time together can be a tough call. He may well tire of the 19 year old blonde and if he does return, you will have new hobbies and interests. Best of luck Janet.