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TheFoglifter

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Everything posted by TheFoglifter

  1. TheFoglifter
    Omission is not necessarily motivated by shame. I bet some girls would be proud , but that would certainly make some guys uncomfortable.
  2. TheFoglifter
    I agree -- I have a different reason though. If you beg someone to "take you back", then you have absolutely ZERO power in the resulting relationship. While its possible that your dedication to the relationship made them realize that you were a wonderful person to be with, and they may indeed want to be with you, there is still the fact that you have declared that you are more interested than the other person is.
  3. TheFoglifter
    The rule in this situation is: be careful what you ask because you just might get an answer. When you get that answer, how will you know if she is telling the truth? When you ask her if she is telling the truth, what do you expect to hear? How would you feel if she asked YOU -- would you lie? What if she doesn't believe you. Truth or lie, what if the answer you give scares her away? See how each part of this issue gives way to an even worse part? I think there are some things that people are way better off NOT knowing. I'm sure you can derive some clues -- when you have sex, does she know every trick in the book? Does she take a "been there, done that" attitude towards sex and has no interest in trying anything new? What is it you really want to hear? Do you think she's like the girl in clerks who has sucked 37 * * * *s? Do you think that she has been saving herself for marriage? Ask at your own peril.
  4. TheFoglifter
    If that is your picture, then you are way too good looking to be that depressed.
  5. TheFoglifter
    Did it ever occur to any of you that the people who are "good" at stuff might have spent years upon years acquiring these skills? There are always going to be people who are born with gifts that make certain things easier, but you can always overcome that with hard work. Some of you just sound discouraged because you think you aren't making progress fast enough. I know you don't want to hear that someone else has it worse than you, but until you see things from other viewpoints, you'll never be able to help yourself. The OP, for example, HAS a boyfriend. That alone is something plenty of girls would envy her for. Obviously she has done something right. The person with the animation job may have spent years upon years practicing. Perhaps if you had met her 10 years ago, you'd have seen a struggling frustrated girl trying to master the first chapter in "drawing for beginners". Perhaps she was trying to conjugate the verb "etre" in beginners french. But no, you've only encountered her today, AFTER she has learned all that. I had an art teacher who told me that he had to work very hard to draw the way he did. Languages can be learned if you apply yourself. What are you waiting for? The longer you wait, the longer it'll take.
  6. TheFoglifter
    I envy today's young generation of gamers because gaming has become much more socially acceptable. Hot girls these days LOVE games, they have PS2s and junk. When I was in school, console gaming was not as advanced, think NES, SNES, Genesis, and later on, PlayStation. It was better as I got into high school, but nowhere near as good as it is today. These days, I see hotties playing games like Dance Dance Revolution. Back in "my day".... well we had the power pad.
  7. TheFoglifter
    I'm thrilled to hear that, and you should be proud for taking initiative. Please please please keep the big picture in mind, and remember that every step forward is worthwhile. It may take time, but if you keep at it, you'll succeed.
  8. TheFoglifter
    I'm going to suggest something even blunter: "I'm GLAD he doesn't find you attractive, because I DO. I want to be the guy in your life, not the guy you complain to about other guys".
  9. TheFoglifter
    Eventually you can hope that he will quit smoking on his own. The cost of cigarettes are quite prohibitive, and the effect it has on one's physical condition, as well as the future health risks should eventually become enough of a reason to quit. My Dad smoked since age 14, and he quit around age 42. It wasn't easy, but he did it. You can of course speed up the process by denying him sex and kissing and cuddling if he's smoked recently. You have the right not to kiss an ashtray, and while this may cause him to do the right thing for the wrong reason, it is just as valid to say that it doesn't matter what color the cat is as long as it catches the mouse. As far as the meat/no meat issue -- my gf is vegetarian and I love meat, and we've been able to make it work. Its a bit annoying at times that she'll get really really really pissy if I cook something that she doesn't like the smell of. She did agree that its no more fair for me to give up meat than it is for me to expect her to eat it again. The health arguments are invalid -- there are more nutrients (esp. iron) in a small steak than you'll EVER get from broccoli. It becomes a question of how important this is to you. Is it worth losing whatever good qualities he has?
  10. TheFoglifter
    I think you need to be very careful not to become the rebound guy. If your goal is a relationship with this girl, then you will have to exercise restraint, and really be there for her when she's ready. If your goal is a wild sex-romp, then saddle up cuz she's vulnerable and easy.
  11. TheFoglifter
    Next time you are sick, take a moment to cough on the keyboard, and exhale forcefully on as many surfaces as she will touch. Hopefully she will contract whatever illness you have, and you'll get a few days to yourself Seriously though, if she really is a friend, then you'd do a lot better as soon as possible to draw the line. Some damage has already been done, in that you have kind of led her on, however unintentionally. You can mitigate future damages by being up front.
  12. TheFoglifter
    I know the feeling. When I argue with my gf, there are a lot of things I try to avoid because they are completely counter-productive. One of the worst things a person can do is to drag out the relationship scoreboard. One has to be damn sure of oneself and the facts before walking down the "I did this this and this for you and you did nothing for me" path. You may also have a big advantage over your boyfriend in being able to stick to the facts. If he starts to get flustered, while you are using cogent points, he is going to get madder and madder because he either doesn't have the ammo to win, or worse, he can't REMEMBER the counterattack. This has happened to me a few times and it is immensely frustrating. The worst is when you think of what you SHOULD have said but after the argument is long over and you've already lost, when its not worth rehashing. If this is what is happening, then maybe your style needs to be to help keep him calm by asking proper guiding questions. You have to be careful with that too, or it sounds patronizing and condescending.
  13. TheFoglifter
    ... promised him that I am going to think more before I speak and he has promised me to come to me with any issues he has when he is calm and not angry." This is an excellent start. Let me ask you this -- what are your fighting styles? If one of you prefers space and time alone, while the other wants to resolve things right away, the fight can change drastically. I know in my case, it is most effective for me to give my gf some time, as if I try to press a solution too quickly, she gets more defensive and the fight just lasts longer.
  14. TheFoglifter
    Hell, I'll even up the ante. Lets scratch the blowjob comment and replace it with something that you think is equivalent. How about if he said "when I'm sick, MissTee puts on a nurse outfit and brings me soup". (I believe that this is a closer example, which I hope you'll find more reasonable). Whatever the comment, the point is that its not fair for you to laugh off the way he feels. I bet this is the cause of many of your fights, you make him feel belittled without realizing that if the situations were reversed, you would act EXACTLY the same way he does. Many many many arguments can be avoided by asking oneself the following very simple question: "How would I react if the situations were reversed?"
  15. TheFoglifter
    I also think its funny that all the women immediately jump to their sister's aid, and in doing so, commit the same fundamental attribution error. I'm glad you think Dawn's point of view is realistic, which I can see you are using to imply that my point of view is unrealistic. Once again, same attribution error. Women need to learn that just because they THINK something should be a certain way, that doesn't mean it should or even will be. He offered to drive, but was there any discussion of how drinking should be handled? Maybe he thought you would drive home -- you did not make that clear in your post so I can't say for certain. Perhaps next time, a taxi would be a better option. It is possible that one or both of you just crave drama once in a while. Maybe you could turn the blow-ups into one hell of a make-up sex opportunity?
  16. TheFoglifter
    Dawn, everything you said in post 33 to me can be flipped around with equal validity. You said you think any reasonable person would find talking about oral to be tacky. What you are actually saying is that YOU "think" that said particular subject is tacky and inappropriate. The whole point is that a woman's feeling on a subject does not make it an absolute. Plenty of clean and together people find nothing wrong with openly discussing sex, sometimes in quite a graphic or detailed manner. It is hypocritical for her to dismiss his feelings when she would absolutely play the victim if the situation was reversed.
  17. TheFoglifter
    It takes a TRUE friend to say something like that.
  18. TheFoglifter
    Women are prone to saying things that they have not thought through, much more so than men. Usually the things they blurt out have serious emotional repercussions. I'd be quite annoyed if my gf pulled hte same crap -- one minute its "lets declare our love publicly and be exclusive, the next minute is... I changed my mind. Oscar Wilde's quote "there are 2 tragedies in life -- one is not getting what you want, the other is getting it" is quite applicable here. Careful what you wish for, you just might get it.
  19. TheFoglifter
    Think about what your relationship would be like if you nagged and forced him into getting back together. If that managed to work, you would have absolutely no power whatsoever in the relationship, and you'd be bending over backwards every time he showed the slightest irritation. If he wants to be with you, he has to come back of his own free will. In time, you will be OK. Just absorb yourself in all the things you've always wanted to do, but never had time.
  20. TheFoglifter
    Yeah, but the better he is at setting the tone from the get-go, the less cleanup he has to do later. I've seen this happen both ways and am certain of it. I've seen people who were very firm from the beginning end up much happier later on when they both settle into respective roles. I've also seen people way too nice up front only to have worlds of trouble later trying to get more power, and usually failing.
  21. TheFoglifter
    If the subject at hand was whether or not they have casual sex with people, and he said "I have hook-ups with people I meet at bars" then its probably in a sexual context (which can still mean anything from kissing to full sex). If you were talking about where to go out though, and he said "I have hook-ups at the local bars", then he could be referring to being on a VIP list, or being friends with the bartenders and/or bouncers and whatnot.
  22. TheFoglifter
    What ghost said made me think of something else. When you say you "brush it off", are you doing that in a visible manner that might be irritating your boyfriend? You may (even without realizing it) be projecting an apathetic "whatever" kind of attitude, and some people find that inordinately frustrating. It is also easy to associate a lack of caring/sensitivity with apathy, since apathy does mean "without feeling". Maybe this is also why he blows up -- that he feels he isn't being listened to and eventually can't take it any more. I still maintain that one big fight every two months might be preferable to a small fight every week.
  23. TheFoglifter
    ... it's my beliefe that if you have a penis you shouldn't do that" This isn't a problem for you. The way you let your wife treat you, I'm assuming you don't have a penis at all. I'm sorry but after your last post, I had to say it. As much as I'd love to side against your wife, and I still believe she has her faults in this, you are acting like a woman. Your last post makes me believe that you are just as bad as she is. You expect to do nothing, and have everything change on its own. That will not happen. I now see that you WANT to go through our suggestions, shoot down the majority of them as "that won't work" or "I don't want to do that", try one or two half-heartedly, and then cry about how the world is unfair and you can't do anything. Congratulations, you are exactly where you want to be, and you will be there for a very long time. You and your wife need to SHARE that reality sandwhich. Something here has to give. You ask "what now", I'll tell you what now. First you need to stop with the "I won't do this, I won't do that". Otherwise, I guess she will just have to continue to be "supremely frustrated".
  24. TheFoglifter
    You are in a bad, though not unfixable position. First of all, she is destructive, and does not deserve your help. She will drag you down with her. You should not worry about paying for half the rent with your (or your family's) hard earned money when she does not deserve it. One option you can look into is transferring the lease. If the landlord is a big company, they sometimes let you transfer the lease to an apartment in another of their buildings. Alternatively, you can try transferring the lease to another individual, and have them take your place. This is a simple transfer agreement, and you would get out scot-free, and leave the girl high and dry. She is taking advantage of you plain and simple -- sounds like she is manipulative and controlling, and deserves nothing better than to fall flat where she belongs. You on the other hand have the possibility of a bright future. Get out of that prison she has you in, and go back to college -- the time is slipping away, and if you don't do it soon, it'll be doubly hard to recover later on. Do NOT walk away from the lease, your credit will be destroyed, and at this point in your life, with minimal credit history, you would be paying exorbitant rates for everything!!! Even if you dodged the creditors for the statute of limitations (varies by state) thats 3-6 years before it expires, and then the negative judgement stays on your credit report for 7-10 years. That means you would have a black mark following you until about your 30th birthday! Also remember that a mother is the only woman who loves a man no matter what. Girls will come and go, but the fact that mom is still helping you is great. Hang in there, leave this sad sack behind, and go chase that star.
  25. TheFoglifter
    That is my point EXACTLY -- you THINK it is not comparable at all, but others think that they ARE, and therein lies the problem. You said that you think the PMS comment would be viewed as sweet and put him in a positive light. Well I think that the blowjob comment is cute, and puts her in a great light. I repeat -- you have just as much right to feel they are NOT interchangeable as I do to feel that they ARE interchangeable. I think its hypocritical for her to say "oh there was nothing wrong with what I said" -- he OBVIOUSLY thinks there was something wrong with it. If he made the blowjob comment, he could also say "oh there was nothing wrong with that". See what I'm saying? A woman holding a belief does not make it absolutely right. If you women could SEE and ACCEPT that, we'd have a lot less of these "miscommunications".
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