TheFoglifter

... women want sex after they feel a strong emotional connection has been made. When she talks, you listen then paraphrase what she said back to her to let her know you were listening. If this doesn't work, come back again and post the results. I can fast forward here. I have ALREADY demonstrated all the emotional stuff. I say "I love you" way more than she does, and I listen all the time. You said post the results when that doesn't work. It hasn't, so what is the next step.

... has an issue with her weight that shes been working on by exercise and changing eating habits for info." You are LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY that she is taking initiative to change things. I envy you greatly, because mine loves to complain about her image, but won't do a damn thing to change it. As such, I feel like I am being punished for her inactivity. I'd like to ask HOW she decided to start working out. I have asked so many people how to fix this problem, and it always seems to end up in the same place: that SHE has to want to do it, and only she can make that decision. You are also very lucky that she is giving you sex whether she wants to or not. Contrary to what some will say, this is NOT selfish on your part -- it is quite nice and very selfless of her to give placing your interests over her own. I'm sure there are 101 things you do for HER that you yourself do not enjoy doing, other than the fact that it makes her happy.

... you ever thought that your problem is not your penis size, but your insicurity. you have some serious personal emotional problems with your feeling of insicurity, which probably makes you much less confident." I'm sure he knows this very well, but did YOU stop to think WHY he feels this way? If he is getting dumped all the time because of it, of course he is going to have trepidation.

Depends on what the weight means. I have known many overweight girls who carried themselves differently. Some accept themselves for who they are, and understand that they are choosing not to lose that weight. They maintain a happy outlook on life and are fun to be with, and are probably great in bed. Others sulk and beat themselves up silently -- hating their appearance, but not making an effort to fix it. Those are the ones that project their issues onto others, making others pay for their mistakes as such. Those are the ones that don't want to have sex, and if they ever do, it must be in absolute pitch black. My gf started out as the first type, and is now the second type. Its kind of sad really because falling in love with her because she was such a wonderful person taught me that its whats on the inside that counts. Now I have the worst of both worlds, as such. If I had known that it would end up this way, I wonder if I'd have told myself NOT to get involved because no matter how good things seemed, they would degenerate.

... NEVER ask for what they want, but then moan like hell when they don't get it." I agree completely, and I'll even add to it. The ONLY time a woman can't tell you what she wants is when you are asking her. I have found that many women have no difficulty expressing an endless stream of wants, until it is time for the man to fulfill them. Maybe we should just carry recording devices all the time. ... she wants u to kiss her, you cant expect her to say "Come, kiss me." Many guys would love this -- its almost a role-reversal which can be quite a lot of fun. My gf did this a few times and you can bet your bananas she got one hell of a kiss. ... I REALLY didnt mean to set him up" If you apologized and did not hold a grudge with his answer, then perhaps nothing came of it. Sometimes though, it doesn't matter WHY something happens, it just matters that it happens. ... I look ok" encompasses "is this appropriate"" Therein lies the problem: do I look OK does not necessarily encompass "is this an appropriate level of dress for the event we are attending". YOU believe it does, but not all recipients of the message . Then again, maybe there is some logic in it on certain subjects. When a man says "what do you feel like doing tonight?", you should know that he means "I don't care what we do as long as we have sex".

Those diggitydogg threads on this forum are very clear about what "chasing" a woman actually means. According to those guides, chasing a woman after she has said no devalues a man, and places all the power in the hands of the woman, which means that if a relationship miraculously happens (and he says it probably won't because what woman wants a man who doesn't value himself) it will be on her terms backed up by the threat of her walking at any time. So to answer your question, if the man is following that school of thought, then perhaps he is trying to gain more power in the relationship. If he knows you are interested, and he scales back his own interest hoping to make you work harder, then he will have more leverage to get what he wants. Knowing this may affect how you proceed, of course. If you suspect he is trying to pull a power play, then it might motivate you to walk away.

I disagree -- I think you are fighting a losing battle here. I know from experience that it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to have any kind of "I don't feel you are doing enough" discussion that does not result in the scoreboard coming out. It is inevitable because of the accusation being made. One person says "you don't do enough" the other person needs to defend with a statement like "what about when I did A, B, C...". Don't rehash the past, just deal with the future. You vilify the sports car because its an easy target, but you are not necessarily aware of the full picture. Maybe he has made cuts elsewhere to be able to afford the car (I bet right now you are thinking "yeah, he cuts back on paying for things for his girlfriend). Yet earlier on you said he has done big expensive things. I understand how you feel because I have a similar relationship with my girlfriend, where she does big gestures for me once in a while, and I do little things for her over and over and over. You and I are in the same position as we feel we do more because what we do happens more frequently. Perhaps some more communication is in order. I have heard legends of couples who work out who pays for what and when. I also noticed you said that he asks you to pay AFTER everything has been ordered. Perhaps you could start asking up front BEFORE EITHER of you order any drinks "do you have enough to pay for that". Make it clear BEFORE the orders are placed and NOT after that you don't want to pay. The beauty of this strategy is that if you ask before its ordered (or as the waitress leaves the table) he'll probably be really really really flustered and surprised. If he lies and says he has money, and you ask "are you absolutely sure" and he lies again (which he probably will because he'll feel backed into a corner) then when its time to pay and he DOESN'T have the money, and he makes an excuse like "I thought I did", you can pull the "you lied" card and then not speak to him for a few days. This is extremely childish, but it wouldn't be practiced if it didn't work so well. I do understand your frustration also that what started out as a nice gesture (you paying for him and saying its fine) has now become a chore. I empathize with you spot on here because I can identify many many many things I do for my gf that started out as nice treats, but now I can't seem to get away from them because I didn't say "not this time" or didn't ask for enough in return. I think that you either have to make peace with the fact that this is who he is right now (who knows, maybe in a few years his salary will triple and then he'll pay for everything without being asked), or you can confront him and work something out, or this will be one of the many things you cite later as the reason you broke up.

Ghost, we may be reading different dictionaries here.

I believe the first thing you need to do is understand your friend's point of view. Childish or not, she feels very strongly about her position. As it stands, she has a friend, and a housemate (who is also a friend). Now the housemate and friend are a couple, which completely changes the balance. You did not specify (perhaps because she has not told you) WHY specifically your friend is worried. Is she worried because: - She will now get less time with the guy because he will prioritize you over her? - The guy will ALWAYS be around now because you are dating him? - She knows something you don't know about him, or has feelings for him herself? You could try writing your friend a letter and asking her to respond in kind. Writing thoughts out makes it easier to focus thoughts, and avoid saying something in anger. Alternatively, you could try communicating through a medium such as her boyfriend, but that drags an unnecessary party directly into the line of fire. You DON'T need her approval to date the guy, and she is free to disapprove. She is also free to keep the reasons to herself, and as such, prioritize her disapproval over your friendship. As such you could consider delivering your message in a neat little package. Tell her very simply "Don't expect anything to change if you can't sit down and have a civil conversation" or perhaps something like "Acting childish isn't going to stop me from seeing who I want to see". Good luck.

Yeah dude, I'm one of those people who gets sex once every 2 months. If you are getting it twice a week, then you've had it more this year than I will for the next 10. I sympathize with you wholeheartedly as I feel the same way about my gf -- in her case though, I believe the cause for her decrease in drive is her self-image. That is another thread for another day, but I want you to know I understand where you are coming from. It was suggested earlier that you get rid of your attachment to sex. It is my opinion that that is extremely poor advice because it is not a compromise. It is essentially you giving up what you want and giving her 100% what she wants. As such, you would be right to be scared that 5-10 years down the line, you'll be on the same quarterly plan that many of us in longer relationships find ourselves. One thing you can do, however, is focus on the QUALITY of sex, not the quantity. Some people mistakenly get wrapped up in a number without considering the quantity. To do so is like buying a car based only on monthly payment. If you want to pay $300 a month and thats all you care about, you could end up with a 10 year loan, oblivious to the harm because you got your 300/mo! You said that when you do have it lately, she isn't as in to it. That is also a bad sign, because it means that she is starting to see sex as "just for you". This is inevitable with imbalanced sex drives, but is also a MAJOR killer. It will degrade to the point where you'll be so sex starved, you will exude desperation from every pore. She'll feel pressured, thereforeeee less in the mood because it "won't be about her", it'll just be about "you getting off". Even though you know that isn't how YOU feel, it is how things usually pan out. So what can you do? Depends on how far gone she already is. For starters, do not make this a frequent topic of discussion, otherwise the mere MENTION of the word "sex" will have her putting up her barriers and getting defensive. You said you hate sex only at night, well you can shake things up perhaps. Jump in the shower with her one morning while she is getting ready for work and do something that puts HER as the focus. Without asking for anything in return, make your exit and hope she regains some passion. Surprise her, take charge... just make sure that SHE gets as much (or more) out of it as you do. If she is farther gone (ie: sex has now become a chore for her) then you may need something like counselling. You can try bargaining with her so long as you keep it positive, but at the end of the day, she has the lower drive so she is in control of frequency. Stay positive! I failed to do so ages ago (though justifiably so..., I mean COME ON... do women really think that giving us less sex is going to make us want it less? Is that like saying "If you breathe less and less, eventually you won't need oxygen at all?!?!?!?!" and I don't think it'll ever go back to how it was in the beginning with daily sex.

You've made some interesting points and I'd like to address them. You asked why women should do 50% of the work when there are confident guys who will do 100% of the work. -- In making that argument, you portray women as selfish creatures who are always looking for the bigger better deal. I surmise this is true of humanity in general. It works both ways though. Next time an overweight or otherwise unattractive girl is crying about how she can't get a date, make sure you ask her to explain why a guy would bother with her when he could have a girl who has just as good a personality, but is hot and thin. I realize you will probably defend against this statement by saying that it does not apply to the original scenario you outlined -- after all, the guy sitting on the sidelines is hardly in a position to beg and choose. You said you didn't understand my assertion that "guys who put in the least effort get the best rewards". Permit me to clarify with the axiom: if every day is a sunny day, then whats a sunny day. I believe we are in agreement that putting too much effort into a relationship with a woman results in getting taken advantage of. I believe that on special days (birthday, anniversary, and valentines day) that women are especially looking out for validation, and I am trying to warn guys not to outdo themselves around these events. Think of it this way -- suppose you are a dutiful student, study the days material every night, and are always prepared. One day, for whatever reason, you skip your studies, and the next day you fail a pop-quiz. It doesn't matter that you are normally prepared and that you outdo yourself all those other times, it only matters that on the time of the pop quiz, you failed. Maybe we are also speaking of two different circles of guys. You are working for the guys who are trying to get relationships, whereas I am more working for guys already in them. As such I'm sure we make equally valid points for different circles.

Hahahahahahah I like that -- sign me up too, I'm happy to help a fella out.

I've been to some gaming and anime conventions and seen the hottiest pieces of * * * imaginable. At Otakon last year, I watched this sexy girl in a tank top and thong playing video games with her boyfriend while about 4 guys stood behind her just sighing and dreaming.

What specifically about your "work situation" prevents taking it to the next level? Is it company policy not to date, or are you her boss or something? I agree its possible to keep the office in the dark, but if you are buying, she might just be taking you for a ride. Does she ever treat you? If not, then whether you like her or not, I don't think she is girlfriend material. Don't lose your job over some selfish chick that isn't worth it in the end. Go out and see who else is out there before you even consider asking her how she feels. If you haven't declared that you are dating then you aren't dating. I know SHE won't see it that way (because she expects you to know everything without ever being told anything) but who cares. You stand to lose way more than you stand to gain, while she is sitting pretty getting free lunches. She gets all the benefits of having a boyfriend (outings paid for, companionship, emotional support) without giving anything in return (no sex, she doesn't pay...). You can do better.

I thought women loved it when you go out of your way -- oh wait, they only want it if you do it naturally? What if you ARE doing it naturally and they THINK you are being transparent. They only like it if they ALREADY like you. A guy who is naturally nice only gets respect and recognition when the attraction already exists. Otherwise, they think a nice guy is a creep who should be used and discarded. You said women aren't stupid creatures, but for the most part, they are. They want what they want when they want it without having to explain it -- they expect people to read their minds and they send unnecessarily complicated, often false messages. Ridiculous, they don't deserve it. I totally agree that being nice to women (whether you mean it or not) is a waste of time, and will get you used. Guys who put in so little effort get the biggest rewards the three times a year they DO go out of their way. You can use this to your advantage though -- women are commodities that can be bought, you just need to make sure you don't overpay. This is especially evident when it comes to "special occasions" like valentines day, anniversaries, and birthdays. It is STUPID for a guy to be in top form ALL of the other 362 days a year because he is expected to still top himself on those other 3.25 days. Instead its better to consistently perform at or around bare minimum tolerance, and then put on a big show for the times when it counts. Why the hell waste so much effort when it won't be appreciated. I know the replies are going to be that they DO appreciate it, but lets be honest here that isn't true either. Women only care about what is going on in the right here right now, until something in the past can be used to their advantage. It doesn't matter if I spend a bunch of time, effort, energy and money every day for 2 weeks preceding valentines day, what only counts is what happens ON valentines day.

If you have enough money, women will put up with anything.

Maybe you could dump her, go fool around with a few girls, then ask her if she'll take you back. If she doesn't, tell her she is a hypocrite (which is already true) because you took her back. This girl is garbage, save yourself.

God will hate you if you marry her just for sex.

That may be the truth, but I think its unfair and hypocritical that girls get to change their mind all the damn time without consequences, repercussions, or compensation, whereas if a guy suggests something, its inked in stone and is unbreakable without massive horrible consequences. It is my opinion that she had NO intention of having sex before marriage, but didn't want to tell you that for fear of scaring you away. Apparently in her twisted value system its OK to lie when it benefits her. I don't think its fair or smart for you to continue to get emotionally invested in this relationship. What happens if you finally DO propose and her parents object? Or worse, what if they allow it, but are frosty to you forever? Find someone better.

Everyone has said it pretty well -- it comes down to whether or not she is worth the wait. Here are some things to keep in mind though. 1) She pulled a bait and switch on you. She told you a year without sex, and now 10 months into it she is saying another year. I bet at month 23 she's going to say "not until we are married". At that point you will have invested 2 years and have gotten no sex. 2) You guys do need to meet in the middle. It is extremely selfish of her to demand something without giving something. If she isn't willing to go further and at least give you blowjobs and stuff, then you are going to come to a standoff situation. If that happens explain to her that you love her a lot, and you will respect her wishes, but you feel that you need to get something in return, especially since she pulled a bait and switch. 3) If you are not equally religious (and of the same religion) then you have to expect that this inconvenience is just the first of many. Have you been baptized? Do you go to church on sundays? Do you want to tithe? You may love each other very much, but she loves God more, and you can't win if she has to choose. I'm not saying this is wrong at all, but it may be wrong for you. The church's stance on sex is not exactly parallel to society's. Birth control is a strict no-no, and sex is only for procreation. If you stay with her, it will probably be 3 years before you have sex, and then each time you do it will probably result in another kid. Excommunicate her.

When you are unemployed, finding a job IS your job. The visible effort on your part is good. While it may take time for you to get interviews, if your wife sees that you are actually working very hard at this, her mood will improve significantly.

I am having trouble reconciling the title of your post "boyfriend being selfish" with the first sentence of your post which says "i really like so many things about him, he pampers me and does anything for me, tells me how much he cares about me, treats me very good" How often have you broken a promise to see him, even if it was for [what you thought was] a legitimate reason? This is very important because there comes that point where excuses don't matter anymore, only results do. If my gf kept promising to come see me, and something just kept coming up, eventually I would get a very pessimistic attitude because it doesn't matter whether the excuse is real or not, all I hear is "she's not coming over again". I agree that he is probably frustrated that you can't spend as much time together as you wanted to, and after a while, it doesn't matter why, it just matters that its happening. It sounds like you are the one who needs to put more effort into this relationship.

I agree that sometimes the women who ask "does this make me look fat" are seeking validation, but the beauty of my answer is that it frees you from choosing an answer that is designed to trap you. It has been my experience that if you say "no, you look great" when she already believes she looks fat, she will say "oh you're just saying that". Obviously if you say "yes" then you are up the creek! Even if it is true, she'll say "how can you say that!!!" One of the big differences between men and women is that men seek solutions while women seek emotional comfort. If a man was told "dude, you are packing on some weight there" he would more likely be motivated to find a solution -- eating better, working out more... Most women, not all, but most, who receive the same criticism would go into defense mode and lash out at the man for being a cruel pig. This also relates to a point I find to be more and more true with each passing day: that it is not always the message, but the messenger. If the boyfriend said "you are packing on weight", he would most likely receive terrible backlash, but the girl wouldn't address the problem. If one of her female friends (perhaps because they speak the same arbitrary language) encodes the message, there is a greater probability it will have the desired effect, which is for the recipient to examine the cause and find a solution. I do remember the story of one lucky guy who after agonizing for an hour or more about how to say it, accidentally blurted out "you're getting fat". Amazingly, after working through the sadness, the girl took a look at herself and said "wow, he's right, I DO need to do something". Lucky guy has a one in a million girl...

My gf asked me once and only once whether I thought she looked fat in something, and I gave her a frank and honest answer. I said: "You already believe what you want to believe, so what difference does it make?" She got the message loud and clear, and now when she asks my opinion about clothes, she only asks REAL questions like "do these go well together". The other option, of course, is to say: "the pants don't make you look fat, your HUMUNGOUS * * * makes you look fat".

... like, listen to what I mean...not always what I say...." If this is the case, then what is the point of an established language. Suppose I tried the same concept and say: Honey, you've gained weight. Do you really think she is going to hear those words, but interpret them to mean: "I love you no matter what you look like and I am deeply concerned for your health and the well being of our relationship" No I'm pretty sure she'll start crying and she won't speak to me for a week. She'll gain another 5 lbs from eating chocolate. The best rule when it comes to women is to disregard every twisted word that comes out of their mouths, and base your actions on what they DO, not what they SAY. Here's a classic example: Typical girl 1: oh I'm so sick of jerks, I wish I could find a nice man who would call when he says, and wouldn't stand me up or cheat on me, and who had a decent job.... *later that night she is back banging the unemployed biker who stood her up last month* I do like the idea of repeating the message as you interpret it, as is the case with the flowers. "I interpret what you said to mean the following, is that what you want?" Oh, but you are supposed ot KNOW what they want, because you are supposed to follow their arbitrary system of values.