TheFoglifter

So what would be different if you got back together? Do you think your ex knows that her sister sent you this card? If she doesn't know, how would she feel if you re-initiated contact, and then found out that it was due to outside interference? Is her sister a trusted source? Can you ask questions and get impartial answers? Can you get an accurate picture of the situation through her, or does she have her own interests that might slant the flow of information. It sounds like you had a great relationship that you would like to rekindle if you can overcome whatever went wrong. Though it also sounds like YOU won't have any problem getting others so you might want to consider that as well. Do YOU want your ex back?

For starters, it beats the hell out of having a SO who is HATED by everyone. Your life is a lot easier when your friends and your SO get along smoothly. I can see how this could cause many problems though -- especially if the issue is that one person is not comfortable being uber-social. The person who felt "left sitting there" resented the SO, while the SO's attitude was "hey you know these people too, you could walk with me". There is also a big difference between situations posted here. In one of them, the person who moved to the new town is not necessarily anti-social or reclusive, she is just a few steps behind in the process. Indeed she COULD make lots of friends, and then they'd be even. This is entirely different from people who have fundamentally different personalities, and will ALWAYS have an imbalance in numbers of friends. As always, it CAN work, but whether it will is up to the individuals. Another consideration is whether or not one person feels neglected. If gf had a huge social circle, and I had nobody, and I had to schedule her long ahead of time, I can see that being a source for problems. I can also see the social person getting tense if they are pulled away from the social scene by the recluse, and then getting mad if they started losing touch. Yeah... it can work, but will it work?

Which is no picnic

You could also respond in kind -- talking about girls you think are hot. As it stands right now, she seems to be able to do what she wants and you'll take it. The statement "once the sex is gone, the relationship is over" is more true at your age than it is later in life -- trust me, there will be PLENTY of time for sexless but loving relationships when you are out of college. Granted, that last semester of high school is quite a tough (read: intense) time. You are at the top of the food chain, college applications have all been sent out, but the end is near and soon everything you have known for the last however many years will never be the same again. Still though, maybe just send her a text message "its over" and enjoy the same freedoms she has been taking.

Regarding "getting them back" -- If you force them back against their will, then you have no power whatsoever in the new relationship. Even if you "campaign" as such, and they "realize" they want to be with you, you still have to reconcile the fact that they might not have come back otherwise. Seems much more satisfying to just move on and see what happens. if n/c and L/c mean "no contact" and "limited contact" then I guess you have to take it case by case. If your ex is deeply rooted in your regular social circle, then you may not have much of a choice. I'd say its better (when possible) to try and stay on friendly terms as best as possible.

If the boyfriend is blindsided, then the OP might have to talk with his fists instead of his mouth.

... woman's sex drive is tied into how she feels about you personally." I don't think this is true at all, at least not the way its presented. Plenty of women take a "been there done that" attitude towards sex. It doesn't mean they don't love the man, it just sucks for him. I agree that we need more information on exactly how this is coming up. Let me start by saying yes you DO have it quite good in many respects. I can't imagine the level of wealth I would have if I didn't have a woman constantly bleeding it out of me. The fact that she not only HAS her own residence, transportation, fun money... but is willing to USE it instead of taking it from you is very very enviable. You sure as balls wouldn't be able to afford a sailboat if you had to buy her stupid stuff and take her out to dinner all the time! That being said, its quite an ego-bust to be told you are not needed, especially if its as constant as you said. It certainly gives you an opportunity to screw with her head by replying with something like "who are you trying to convince... me, or yourself?" You could also make light of it by saying something like "good to know, thanks".

This is VERY normal for Bipolar people.

Yeah, be careful with those feelings as they'll only get you into trouble. I sympathize that it is tough because she is deeply rooted in your social circle, so keep your nose clean. She isn't worth losing friends over.

If you aren't happy, break it off. It won't get better unless you both take steps forward.

If she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Also, if he is really sharing the mortgage payments, then when their relationship does go sour, she will almost certainly lose the house. If she is the owner and she draws up a rental agreement which he signs, then that is different, but if each of them are making payments towards the mortgage then even if she IS the "owner" on paper, he can still sue her for his share of the equity. If her financial situation is so precarious that she cannot afford the house without rental payments, then she can't afford to pay out his share, and he could force sale. At that point, she'd need you REALLY desperately for your money and you'd be playing catch up. Now you can have your fun with her and then dump her, but DO NOT get too emotionally invested in her. You say "me or him, she has to choose". Do you honestly still want her? People do deserve second chances, but you would have to have your wits about you and guard your heart like CRAZY before letting your guard down. I know if I were in your position, and I agreed to the relationship after she broke it off with the other guy, I'd be sick with worry all the time. Oh, and if she manages to get rid of him WITHOUT losing the house, how will you deal with the fact that this guy knows where you live. If he is the type who doesn't like to lose, you could be in for some serious problems. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard that ended up with broken windows and torched cars.

I'm glad that there is enough good to make accepting some bad worthwhile. I'm glad you are mature enough to realize that doing so is a very positive step. Some people out there think that is nothing short of surrender, and would rather be miserable and alone than compromise.

If you are the man, you pay. If she is a woman worth dating, she'll pay for snacks. Give it at least 2 or 3 dates, but if she doesn't contribute a red cent then she's either not into you, taking advantage of you, or both.

I think the convention is that the man ALWAYS has to pay on the first date no matter what. I have heard of women who will offer to split the bill, but should the man say "OK", then he has failed her test. I think that is dishonest and manipulative, and I can see that the only way to avoid it is to always pay the first time. I also agree that it is important to a man to set a tone that he is willing and able to pay, but does not want to start a pattern of being taken advantage of. I have also heard women say that if they have an utterly miserable time, they will not allow him to pay her half, just as was said before, to say very clearly that she isn't interested in a second date. In your case though, I suspect that the two men will split the check, since you are going on a double-date. It is a good idea to show up expecting to pay, and its good that you are willing to wait and see how they handle it so you don't offend.

... behaviour was not that of a man inlove." Lets make sure that you feel this way because he didn't put much CARE into his gifts, not because he didn't put much MONEY into his gifts. To the OP: when money gets mixed up with emotion, only heartache prevails. This is why mixing the two is so difficult. I know how difficult it is to deal with those who seem better off, but complain all the time. I have a friend who was very upset because one of his fun accounts dropped below $12,000. I haven't had that much cash on hand at one time in my LIFE! I think you've already made your decision, so best of luck and my sympathies.

I disagree with the above advice -- she will crack before he does. I've been on both sides of the equation, I've been the clean one and the messy one and when I dealt with the messy one, it was appauling just how bad he'd let things get. The other problem is that letting things go affects HER as well. The real heart of the issue though is that you are both drawing lines to prevent ending up where you are afraid of ending up. YOU don't want to end up like your mom by allowing your man to "get away" with slacking off, until you resent him because he never does anything. On the other hand, HE does not want to turn into one of those men who might as well wear a pink filly apron and share your tampons. At the end of the day you just place different levels of importance on a particular task. Now you could fight dirty as was suggested before -- when its time for something he enjoys (sex) you could do a really poor job, and take a really miserable attitude, but all that is going to do is make HIM resent YOU. It may accomplish your goal of getting him to clean the bathroom, but it will put him one step closer to becoming a man, and it will scare the crap out of him, because if he lets you get away with that, then whats the NEXT thing you'll try to change. You may have to take a positive approach and try a reward system, and give him an immediate reward (a bj is a great motivator) when he does something right. You'll give more, but you'll get more. Otherwise, you can just accept that you have to do the "women" chores, and be happy that he does the "man" chores. When its time to rake the yard, or do heavy lifting, or fix a gutter, or earn more money, or fix the car, or whatever is "manly", you can get on his case for that and justify it by asserting that you do all the woman chores, and if he really wants to be a man he should do the man chores.

If you are "only" having sex twice a week, you don't have a waning libido. You are getting exactly as much as you want. If you wanted more, you'd have more.

An old Italian proverb is that men want a lady in the parlor and a in the bedroom. I think you pretty much got it: a girl who is presentable when she needs to be, but one who can also let loose in the bedroom.

Thats kind of whats funny about it -- being together is what got us together, as such. We were friends who got along so well that the relationship progressed naturally. Its not like we met at the salsa club or in an art gallery. I think the closest solution was what we discussed before -- reversing the downward spiral by changing the goal. Maybe if I can truly subordinate getting sex as the end goal, it will motivate her to do more things of her own accord, like shape up?

I want both, like we used to have.

So the problem is that I have a goal in mind, and so long as I chase the goal, I will not get the goal. Instead I need to forget the goal and focus on the journey, and in doing so the goal will come of its own accord? I can see some merit to this -- and I guess that is why nobody can really "tell" anyone what to do. They can say what worked for them, but its no guarantee that it will work for me. I suppose its just necessary to ask the question every so often just in case others' ideas lead to something I can adapt. Thank you for your time.

I have rewritten this post about 12 times now and so I'm just going to come straight out and ask what I want to ask. Be more romantic is a phrase tossed around so much that it has little meaning. Now I DO have an imagination and can think for myself -- perhaps some dinners by candlelight, playing music, reading poetry, putting rose petals on the floor, drawing a bath for her and massaging her feet are things I've already tried and I believe that they DO make her happy, and I KNOW she APPRECIATES them. They don't get me sex, and I suppose they aren't supposed to. Perhaps thinking that transparently is my problem, and I agree that I need to work on that. My singular focus is probably as big a contributer to the problem, or at least a source of fuel for it. I will work on that, but it won't be easy, as I repeat, starving me won't make me lose my appetite. I want to explore the "Be more romantic" idea, but please confirm my fears that "romantic" isn't just another word for "expensive". Seems to me like a lot of the "romantic displays of affection" that are tossed around are quite pricey. If the idea is just to "shake up the routine" then yes, we sorely need that. I just hope that can be done without requiring that I dig a financial grave.

I understand what locke is trying to say about subtle reinforcement. I have tried it and its had no noticeable effect. This isn't a new relationship by any means so it is possible that we are beyond the point where subtle cues can have a large impact. Sorry to sound like the typical ungrateful poster shooting down so much, but I'm definitely beyond the "level 1" type suggestions. She has also vetoed counselling, and vetoed drugs (as in, libido-enhancing products). I reiterate that I will try to get "out of the house" more so that I become a scarce resource, as such. I am always open to other creative ideas as well.

I have tried not saying anything related to sex, and it doesn't work. That advice is suited for people who wait days or a week for sex, not for people who wait months. I have noticed the several times I have tried this technique that there is NO amount of time that is long enough for me not to mention it. I may be able to go a month or two without saying something, but after that, when it is blatantly obvious that the waiting is getting to me, there is no way I can broach the subject that doesn't come accross as "whats the damn holdup" and lets face it, that is exactly what it is. Come on, making me wait is NOT going to make me want it less. Its like assuming that the longer you go without breathing, the less you'll need oxygen. I have since stopped bidding her compliments since she doesn't believe them anyway. Then she got angry at me because she put on a nice outfit, but I didn't say anything. I'm pretty sure that if I HAD said anything, she'd have spat on it anyway, so its a pick my poison kind of case. I think the best advice I've heard on the matter is to do my damnedest to reduce her importance in my life. In a supply and demand situation, she knows that she has no possibility of a lack of supply because anytime she wants it, I'm ready to go. If time with me was suddenly scarce, then she might have to put forth more effort.

I'll keep this brief as I'm sure its been asked a thousand and one times. All very usual cases: great relationship, mid-twenties, love each other lots, we have loads of fun, together for 3 years, sex all the time at first, blah blah blah except one tiny problem. Honeymoon ended, sex went from anytime anywhere to... quarterly. Very simply: I've tried all the usual stuff. Tried talking, negotiating, begging, paying... She has it firmly etched in her head that she is unattractive and that is all there is to it. No amount of talk from my mouth can make her see otherwise. To make it worse though, she isn't taking any action -- not working out, not dieting. I hate having to suffer for her choices and feelings. It is relevant to state that she has always been overweight from the moment we met, but it didn't become an image problem until after we were a couple. Has anyone successfully beaten this problem? Whether it was getting the person to work out more, or just getting them to be happy with themselves. What can be done? I do not want to end the relationship, I do not want to just shut up and wait until she feels in the mood. Any advice is greatly appreciated.