JBG35

Yes, at least in the overall sense. Of course I share some of the blame for things that have gone wrong, but I now know the constant ups and downs aren't really the result of my behavior. Whatever direction this goes, that will make it much easier for me to deal with, having that knowledge and sense of freedom from blame.

I really don't think it's bipolar now. She doesn't have wild mood swings from highs to lows. It's basically a lot of negativity, and it often seems misguided. Her behavior is much more consistant with someone who has BPD. Even though she has never done anything to harm herself, or probably even thought about it, and she has no harmful addictions(except to shopping maybe), many of her actions could be explained by that. It is easier to cope with though, when you know it's really not your fault and not to take it personally.

No, I probably would not call a girl like that back for a second date...unless I was somehow attracted or interested enough to overlook it and want to give it more of a chance. That's the problem though, there are things about her that I don't want to give up, and that's what makes it so hard. I guess it comes down to whether or not the positives outweigh the negatives. If there really is something wrong with her though, I'd really like to get her help. But she doesn't take criticism well, so that makes it hard...

For the replies. I've pretty much learned to not take her behavior personally, but like I said, lately it's gotten to the point where I can't help but take it that way. I know she doesn't mean to be so hurtful and controlling, I honestly think that she believes everything she does is right and that things would be better if I only did the things she wants. Funny you mention BPD, I was reading about that last night after I posted, and that seems to match a lot of her symptoms. I think somehow it will help to know it's out of my and even her control, and that I really shouldn't take it all personally. We'll see where it goes...

Okay, I can't believe I'm posting this on here, but at this point, I really don't know what else to do. I'll try to keep it as short as possible, but I have to give the relevant background information, since I'm trying to figure out what's going on with my gf. Basically: She's 26, I'm 27. We've been more or less together and exclusive for 3.5 years now, and things have always been up and down. I've come to expect a certain amount of bipolar-like symptoms from her, but lately it has gotten quite a bit worse. She has always been a rather critical person the whole time I've known her, and that extends to her relationship with me. Even when we were first getting together, I would notice how little things that seemed small and trite could really get her upset if she was in the wrong mood. It was less common back then, but has been getting more and more of a regular thing the last year or two. It seems like if she doesn't get her way in even a small area, she will explode, and a huge fight will break out. I realize I am to blame for some of these incidents, but many are just ridiculous, and friends I have talked to about it have confirmed that it is not normal behavior for a girl. At several points during our relationship, she has more or less threatened to "break up" with me, and usually only over some stupid fight we've had. At the beginning I would be alarmed by this and do whatever I could to calm her down and make things right, but after a while, her act got old, and while I'd still try to resolve the problem, I no longer took her threats seriously. However, she continues to be overly critical of me, and very rarely offers me any encouragement or even constructive criticism. I understand that some arguing is normal in any relationship, but I can't stand the way she fights. When she is really mad, she will yell, name call, and say all sorts of terrible things that I know she doesn't mean, but they are still hurtful to me. I have often tried to bring this up to her, and while she seems to realize she may have an anger problem, she never really makes any attempt to change it. But my reason for posting is the way things have been the past couple of weeks. Our relationship had been going okay, and we had a decent Valentine's Day and all. But the next weekend we were talking online, and she basically told me she had no use for me anymore, called me a loser for no reason, said I didn't treat her well enough, and went on and on about how an older, married coworker she talks to at work is such a great guy, and how she wants to find someone like him. I've told her many times that any guy can seem great and perfect on the surface, but after you get to know him, there will definitely be some things you don't like. That's true in any relationship, and it was even that way when we first got to know each other. She thought I was perfect until she got to know me better, but even then, she decided I was worth sticking with, and we've made it work since then. During this conversation, her main complaint was that I haven't been affectionate enough, and have taken her for granted. This is ironic, because early in the relationship, she would often tell me that she loved how affectionate I was, and even said I was too much so at times. However, I admitted that maybe I hadn't been as sweet and mushy as I should have been, and that I have taken her for granted, but that I realized how much I loved her, and promised to make things better. Since that conversation, I sent her sweet text messages, emails, talked more sweetly on the phone, and she agreed to spend last weekend with me. I went out of my way to be affectionate, and she even commented that she noticed a real difference in me. She left for work Monday on very good terms, and we agreed to spend this coming weekend together as well. I continued the nice texts and emails, but things hit another major snag yesterday. After some completely random critical text messages from her during the day, I got one last night telling me to come online and read my email. She had written how she was talking to her dad, who she is very close to, about her younger brother's gf. She doesn't like his gf, not for any good reason, but because she seems ditzy and can't have a good conversation with her family when they're all together. Her dad then made some comment about how he can't recall having any real conversations with me, which she blew off at the time. She went on to say in her email though that what he said was true, I have no people skills, etc, and that she refuses to be with someone like that. We talked online, and she was just about the rudest she's ever been, telling me I'm worthless, no good, etc, and went to bed leaving me completely hurt and confused. It blew me away that she could be that way when things had been just fine the day before, and I hadn't done anything wrong to change them. I wrote her a long email telling her how hurt I was, trying to figure out why she'd be that way, and telling her I still very much loved her, and wanted to continue to build on the recent good we'd had over the past weekend. She basically blew it off today though, and just said she was "over it" and I should move on. It would seem like I should just write her off and find someone nicer, but I am truly worried about her. I've joked with her many times about her being bipolar, but she always blows me off like I'm kidding. At first I was, but as time goes on, her behavior just doesn't seem normal. She can be fine one minute, and a total b*tch the next, over basically nothing. She has been beyond generous with me, buys me many nice things, and often does things that show me she really loves and cares about me. But I can't get past how mean and hurtful she can be when things aren't right. We have a great relationship when we're not fighting, but then one bad fight can set us back for weeks. Other things that concern me about her: She lives at home, and is overly close with her parents. This may not seem bad, but her parents have almost no other friends outside their family, and basically guilt trip the kids if they ever leave for too long, want to spend a weekend without them, etc. The mom is fairly controlling, and the dad is very nice, but doesn't seem to have his own identity. I've always had a good relationship with them, but for whatever reason, they haven't "approved" of me as a bf for her, mostly because the liked the guy she dated for 6 years before me so much. Their opinion influences her to the point that she doesn't even want to be open about our relationship to them, and it makes it feel like a jr. high relationship. Also of concern is her lack of friends her own age. She's lived in the same area since she was born, and even though she had friends through high school and college, she has basically gotten rid of them all the past few years. Every time a girl she is close to does something that she considers to be unforgivable(which it usually isn't), she drops them, and says she is better off without them as a friend. This demonstrates her naturally critical nature, and also puts strain on our relationship. If I have plans with some of my guy friends, she tends to get hurt and offended because she has no real social life outside of her family and me, and I am often guilt tripped to do something with her. I give her the vast majority of my free social time, but without her having friends to turn to, it's not always enough. I don't think she needs to have 20 close girlfriends, but a couple would seem normal and help us as well. Basically, I am just worried about her at this point. She can snap at any time if any little thing goes wrong, she is completely irrational in our arguments, she pushes her friends(and now me) away, and she never seems to be able to stay happy. It amazes me how things can go from great to horrible between us so fast, and I know it's not healthy. I want her to be happy, but I know there's no good reason we can't be happy together. I feel like if I leave her after all this, she will end up regretting how she treated me, and be even more alone and unhappy in the end, and I don't want that. I also want to make things work with her because I do love her, but putting up with these mood swings, unfair criticisms, and her controlling nature really takes its toll on me. I know girls tend to be moody and unpredictable, but not to this extent. I've known a lot of girls, and none have been this extreme. I just want to hear other people's opinions about if this is normal at all, and whether or not she has some sort of medical condition that makes her act this way. If so, I want to get her help, but she is convinced she doesn't need any, and that any problems she or we have are a direct result of me. If she refuses to ever accept any responsibility, how can I ever really get through to her? If you've read this far, thanks so much for your patience, and I really appreciate any advice or thoughts.