TheFoglifter

If what I said above isn't motivation enough, also consider the fact that if you ARE too nice up front, you set a very bad precedent. The one absolute rule in any relationship (personal or business) is that the person who is less in love (or less committed to a solution) is the one who has all the power. If you are too nice up front, they will test you. You'll begin to wish that you were single again, because all that spare money and time will be spent on her. After she's bilked you for a while, she'll move on to someone who is "more of a man" and she'll probably use some crap line like "you were real nice and everything, its just me"

Your problem, in all probability, is that they can smell the desperation. That is a HUGE turnoff. I have a lot of the same thing you have going for you -- in college I had money, great social standing, and lots of "friends", but only one became a girlfriend. Its the desperation, somehow you are oozing it, and thats the hole you have to plug. If they sense that you are hunting for a girlfriend, they will get freaked out and leave. Work on yourself, once you are truly complete, you will have a better shot. Act like you don't give a good god damn whether they like you or not, maybe even try being a bit more of a * * * * * as that will activate their "maybe I can tame him" genes.

When a man says "I can't talk to you about certain things" what he usually means is "if I were stupid enough to bring this up to you, you would explode and I'd spend the next week in the doghouse kissing your * * * for forgiveness" He probably felt like he wasn't sure he even had the feelings in the first place, and even if he did, that they were certainly not strong enough to warrant ending a 5 year relationship. It would be downright idiotic to mention that to your gf of 5 years when you aren't even sure yourself. By the way, there is NOTHING WRONG with a guy wanting to wait a long time for marriage. I'm sick of these couples who wed after 9 months of being together, and then end up divorced 2 years later because they met each other's real personalities. Marriage is a HORRIBLE deal for a man these days, a legally binding prison that he has to forfeit half of everything he earned to escape -- and heaven forbid that there are kids involved, the man will end up in a filthy apartment using lawn furniture for a bed while his ex is vacationing in bermuda on his dollar. Waiting a few extra years to be absolutely certain beats the hell out of living in squalor for 18+ years afterwards.

... were having sex probably 5 times a week which is a lot, so I don't think that cutting back will hurt us lol." You are so lucky! I don't think my girl will give me sex 5 times this year.

Regarding the sympathy PMS comment: How would you feel if in front of his and your friends, he said something like "oh yeah, MissTee gives the GREATEST head, she does this little thing with her tongue and its so sexy when she swallows. What if everyone laughed, but you got upset, and he used the same "oh its no big deal, everyone was laughing so its ok! justification that you used on him. I suspect he would not be getting head from you for quite a while after this. Now doesn't that seem a bit hypocritical? He had as much validity to consider the sympathy PMS inappropriate as you do the comment above. It also seems that unless you had a designated driver talk up front, maybe he wanted to drink a bit too and was a bit peeved that you got to get tipsy, while he had to stay sober. I agree its not a good idea for either party to assert "I am the boss" --that comment will only get one reaction, it will force you harder to assert your independence. It actually sounds like you have a good routine in place -- you have a great relationship, and you have one big fight every few months. This is not an insult, but its kind of like how in Judaism, they fast on Yom Kippur, and they are good to go for the rest of the year. Meanwhile, catholics are supposed to go to confession all the time. Another question: when he says "you are insensitive" -- if you replaced the word "insensitive" with "emasculating", would his accusation have more merit?

As a man, the part of the poem that would matter the most to me is "and I would come in and make love to you". It would annoy me to no end, however, if a woman sent me that, then said "oh, I changed my mind" or worse "I was just playing around, I wasn't REALLY going to sleep with you". Thats the point where I'd be unable to trust the person anymore -- not that I had much trust to begin with in a cheater.

My first question is: do you like her as more than an e-friend? If not, then you might be able to get out of it with an explanation. If so, that complicates matters. I have to agree with the logic that if it wasn't a problem for her, she'd have thanked you immediately. There has to be about a week long allowance for an ill-timed event -- I myself have disappeared from my own forum due to internet going down, but I made an effort to contact other staff. Eventually there comes that point where you accept that she probably got freaked out. Its her loss.

... I don't know that I want to be with someone that is too dense to even know that they should just get me a stupid card. I shouldn't have to have tons of mini discussions about every mundane thing.." You are projecting your values on to him without considering that he may feel differently. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Women like you want the world to work on your terms and think everyone "should know" how things are done. Here is an analogy I always use, lets see what you make of it. Suppose hallmark created a "give your man a blowjob day". Suppose this craze swept the nation, and it was held in the same esteem as valentines day. Obviously there are going to be some people out there who will use the same counterarguments that presently exist for valentines day: - Its a commercial holiday made up by a corporation. - I show you I love you 365 days, not just one - I think its stupid. If such a day existed, most guys out there would probably want to observe it. Now consider that maybe your man feels the same way about valentines day as you would about blowjob day. Maybe he DOESN'T think that a day created by a corporation warrants some huge dog and pony show. As someone said before -- if he is showing a lack of effort in the rest of your relationship than his standards are too low or yours are too high. If however, he does very well and is reliable, then you need to decide whether your material wants would be satisfied better elsewhere.

Dude, you didn't do ANYTHING warranting the type of punishment she thinks she can dish out. Most likely you were looking at porn because she wasn't taking care of business. She should be THANKFUL you stopped at porn and didn't just toss her right there. The only thing you did wrong was lying about it, which was stupid, yes -- you should have just been up front and said something like "I wouldn't need porn if you did your job". Men can look at porn and never be unfaithful, and the sooner women get that the better. Obviously she has nothing better in her life but to pick fights over stupid things. To hell with her dude -- let her dig her own grave. Let her go hang out with this guy, and then get totally taken advantage of, then come crying back, at which point you can tell her that you hope she is happy because she is untouchable now. Its going to happen -- she thinks she's being all bold and hardcore, but she'll end up with nothing. Make her feel like the trash she is. You deserve better, she does not.

"Oh my.... I feel bad for you FogLifter. Mind if I ask your reason for thinking this way." I think this way, because in my experience, women at heart are selfish and unreasonable. Case in point, this OP's wife needs a bite of a reality sandwhich because she is being selfish and unreasonable, setting constraints that are mutually exclusive. A lot of advice here has been that the OP first set his sights on getting employment, that way he is helping out. Once employed, he can then set his sights on getting a better job, and thus moving up the ranks. Sounds like a great plan -- reasonable, and attainable given the situation. Well notice how wifey complains that he isn't helping out, but then sets all these terms that do not work together. "I want you home in the evenings". "That salary is too low". "I don't want you doing that kind of work". Then the killer, and this is where she needs to understand that she is the cause of this problem. She says "...go find a regular 9-5 job that pays desent or she will continue to be "supremely frustrated". Does that sound like the tone of a supportive wife? No, it sounds like the typical spoiled selfish * * * * * who wants to snap her fingers and wants the laws of physics to bend to her will. She can't be complaining that he isn't pulling his weight, but then crap on every way he tries to get money. I hate these women (and there seem to be more and more of them these days) who want everything in life to be so so, exactly matching their criteria (criteria they only share with you AFTER you don't meet it, not before when it might actually matter). You can't sit there and throw stringent criteria one after the other, then be annoyed when nothing measures up. These are the same pooches who approach dating with a list of 50+ "he must be" statements, and then cry when they can't get a relationship. This woman is used to getting her way, and andyg needs to put a stop to it immediately, or he will end up as one of these whipped guys who bends over backwards 24/7 at the slightest hint of displeasure. They also BOTH need to work as a TEAM. They may be frustrated with each other now, but at one point they loved each other. They need to sit down together and has out their wants, their expectations, and most importantly, WHAT THEY CAN EACH DO to make them happen. If this discussion is one sided, or is full of demands from her, it will be malproductive. Also, if she keeps asking you questions, and all you can say is "I dunno" or "what for", then nothing will get accomplished either.

You are being VERY unfair to your friend. First of all, if prostitution in your area is so legal that income is taxable, then society has decided to allow it -- even if its because its easier to allow than prevent. She has a job, plain and simple. Second, The money is GOOD, bar none. Finally, this is the first time I have EVER said this, but if the situation was reversed (if it was a male friend, and he was a gigolo) we'd probably be telling him how awesome that is. Depending on what she charges, she could probably only work a few nights a week, and make way more money than answering phones for $8.50/hour.

It is not the message, it is the messenger. In all probability, he knows damn well that he needs to get moving. If you constantly nag him, all you are going to do is become permanently associated with the negativity of nagging. What you need to do is enlist someone that he WILL listen to. If someone he respects tells him gently that now is a good time to get started, he will be much more likely to get in gear. This is a lot like when your girlfriend starts to let herself go. There is really no way a boyfriend can broach the subject without becoming the enemy. The right messenger makes the difference.

I agree with the fact that you pretty much told her she will be forgiven no matter what. Everyone messes up, but there has to be a consequence that is a serious enough deterrent. She probably does like you, and its perfectly natural to be aroused by hot members of the opposite gender -- hell, I'd almost be worried if a girl WASN'T attracted to hot guys. The problem, however, is in the line "I don't know if I trust myself". I think she is trying to lay a foundation for a defense here -- that she doesn't SET OUT to break your trust, but it happens. Now if she is perfectly OK with you kissing other girls and making out and whatever, then maybe there is hope. Unfortunately, you are now in a very bad position -- you are at her mercy. You will forever worry whether or not she is breaking your trust whenever you aren't with her, and you will wonder whether she will admit it. I don't think you will be able to look at her the same way again. I think you should come at this from a position of strength -- tell her that her behavior was totally unacceptable, and you don't want to be with someone you cant trust. She should be working to win back your trust, YOU should NOT be blindly forgiving everything -- especially since the first confession obviously wasn't the whole truth. She's probably gone all the way several times more than she is admitting. Kick her to the curb, and find someone who deserves your love, and hope that your revenge is her losing the best thing she ever had.

She is a lot smarter than you are giving her credit for. Your attempts at suicide are a plea for attention, but if she sits there and coddles you, then you will do it over and over and over. Eventually, you'll be doing it over every little thing, and she will feel so bent over a barrel that she will just leave. Instead, she is taking away the power that your attempts have, and forcing you to confront the fact that maybe suicide and self-mutilation do not solve anything. Get help!

Remember that when dealing with women, you cannot apply reason and logic. In the eyes of a reasonable person, she TOTALLY deserved to get smacked back -- with equal force. Unfortunately, in the eyes of our women-friendly laws, you are going to have problems for that. The only saving grace would be if the cops each had exes that treated them the same way -- they might at least be sympathetic. I believe there is a difference between playing hard to get, and totally playing hot and cold. Hard to get is like "bending the rules", hot and cold is smashing them apart. I'd be willing to make some kind of allowance because I know women love the game, but if she is going to take it too far, then she is making a statement very loud and clear. The women will say "he doesn't care about me enough to chase me, boo hoo hoo guess he wasn't worth it". It is JUST AS VALID for men to say "she is just trying to establish control over me, and I don't want to have to bend over backwards for every whim she has" I go back and forth on this. I know it is better not to hit women back, even if they lower themselves to that level first. At the same time though, women get away with SO MUCH. They are such goddamned hypocrites -- they want equal treatment... except they want to make more money, they want chivalry, they want everything paid for, they don't want to work, and they want protected status. I can think of several times in my life where that "turn the other cheek" crap only made things worse -- I was bullied for so long when I was young, and then one day, pushed me too far, and rewrote newtons third law (for every force, there must be a superior opposite force). Not surprisingly, that individual never bothered me again. I think if I was hit by my gf, I would put my fist through the wall -- it would make the point without landing me in jail. These chicks need to learn their place -- if they want equal treatment, they can't cry for protection.

I'll agree that you have made two classic mistakes. 1) Expecting him to read your mind. 2) Not communicating how important valentines day is. I'm personally very glad that I've been able to turn valentines day into a low-key thing. I hate the implication that I'm being judged based on one day, vs the other 364. Monkey1, you are backpeddling a lot with regard to changing your statements. I don't think you are materialistic, but I can see how you might be high maintenance. I can also see how he would be upset because its very hard to draw any other conclusion than "I tried, and I didn't do enough". Maybe he's learned that he should have at least a flower and a card ready in advance, but he is probably just as motivated to avoid negative consequences as he is to do something nice. The contract ending part struck a chord with me. Contract work is nail-biting -- you could literally come in on monday and be told that you have to be gone by friday. If he is like most Americans, and has minimal or 0 savings, no emergency fund, debt, and lives paycheck to paycheck, he is probably quite a bit worried.

I've gone through probably hundreds of porn discussions and I've noticed some things in your post that need more clarification. 1) With him choosing magazines over you when you were lying on the bed. Were you already on the bed, in the mood when he got up and went into the bathroom, or did you come into bed without him knowing you were even out there. You saw he was erect, but would you have tried to initiate sex if he wasn't? If he was already in there before you got there, then you can't blame him. If he had just cum, most guys need a few moments to recharge. 2) Although I'd agree in a heartbeat that a real girl is better than porn, I have been on way too many boards to believe that everyone feels that way. My jaw dropped when I saw how many girls out there are frustrated because their men want sex once a month -- these are hot hot hot girls who are always in the mood and are adventurous. It is entirely possible that he just wanted to take care of himself and be done with it. 3) You say you have sex "often enough". I have found that people can have DRASTICALLY different views on what constitutes "often" and "enough". My gf feels pressured and she only puts out once every 2 months or so. Needless to say, no matter HOW she feels, I would use neither "often" nor "enough" to describe our frequency of sex. I'll echo all the things that were said earlier about men loving porn, and its better to pick your battles. I don't think you should mention the computer file -- you saw that it was innocent. Best of luck.

You need to show him why it is worth his while to be forever tied to you. Men love low-maintenance women. Men are happy to give so long as they also get. Men fear marriages which degenerate into legalized slavery, in which they give and sacrifice everything, and just end up with an unhappy woman.

Marriage is a legally binding business arrangement which allows a woman the option of taking away half or more of what a man has earned (present AND future) when she decides she does not want to be with him anymore.

When a woman says she wants someone with "ambition" or "drive", what she often means is that she wants someone with a high paying job who can support her material needs. It sounds to me like this relationship is more of an indentureship -- you will work your tail off, bend over backwards, and she will never be happy. She sounds like the type who will bring out the worst in you, because you will always be working and sacrificing, and all you will have to show for it is an unhappy girl. Find someone who is happy being loved, and you will be much happier yourself.