Ninako

I have just recently (as in the past 6 months) delt with finally cutting off my ex. So I have a rough idea of the pain. I know the difficulties of not going back to that person. You truly loved them. Loved them enough to change anything and everything just to keep them happy. You put them before yourself. But as youll soon if not already realize, they didnt put any effort in to it. Its hard to give up someone you love. But you need to love yourself, and be independent. A successful relationship is based on two independent people, whether they have similar interests, or are completely different. Both partners need to feel wanted and have to want to be there. And if they do, they BOTH require the effort that is needed to make it work. This is what ive realized. This is how I view a normal relationship is. No strings attached(your both in it cause you want to be) and no clingyness and no one person being in control. " I know in my head that is really screwed up." It happens. We get attached and so used to a certain process of things, and so comfortable, sometimes we forget or force ourselves to forget what is right and wrong. In my case, I always felt I couldnt do better. He was my first love.... You may miss him terribly, but remember, that an aggitated wound doesnt heal. Leave it be and eventually it will become bearable. "It really hurts because I don't think he ever truly loved me or was committed to me." I kinda felt the opposite, only because we were alot of firsts for each other. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, believing perhaps he DID love me, but didnt know how to show it properly. After seeing a few sites & recognizing conditions, however, Im unsure. "When he got bored with me and had to face too much responsibility AND deal with the emotional mess he had made of me, he threw me away for someone else. He will not even acknowledge my existence now. Ouch." My ex did this time & again to me as well. Generally when we broke up(we were constantly on/off) I was usually calm about him dating others (i know its completely different and wrong when your married, it was irresponsible of him to do that to you). He would ignore me like I had suddenly slipped off the face of the planet. It sucked I really feel completely screwed up in the head. I can't stop missing him! Instead remember the bad & negative too, that way you can remember why you need to leave and get your life back together. As stated in previous posts. "How will I ever get over this? I wasted 11 years of my life on someone who treated me like crap and made me an emotional wreck. But yet I wish we could go back to how things were. According to my friends and family, I should be glad that this happened and forced me to leave the relationship. " It still hurts, and prolly will hurt for a long time. We may not completely get over it, but perhaps we shouldnt let it control us? Im still trying to figure out for myself how to deal with it. Whats so bad? Your the one thats got a conscience about the whole matter while he escapes in low ways. I was lucky and stumbled accross a good guy. He heard me out & helped me out, and showed me that relationships shouldnt be like that. He is very supportive & is also my best friend. Just remember that it was NOT a healthy relationship. I jumped into a new one too quickly though. Im trying to overcome this in fear it may effect the guy im with now. Luckily, he's very patent. He sees what its done to me. All I need is for him to hear out how im making progress. Do this with a friend, or family member. These people are unlike this guy, they will turn an ear and listen, and put forth the effort to help you feel better about yourself! You gotta trust in them now. Confide in your family, your friends, anyone but him. Get your life back on track. This too shall pass. Hopefully both of us will do okay! Goodluck.

This is a post in regards to another that had shown a site that I recommend others check out: (link removed) I have already gotten myself out of a situation like this, and it is scarey to think that I had allowed myself to go through it for so long. I wish I had known about this sooner! I would have saved myself the trouble of 4.5 years! But in the end I DID learn some positve aspects. How to appreciate someone more, and how to appreciate being an independent person. I was lucky enough to get fed up enough and my friends stuck through it through the end and they welcomed me back with open arms. But lately Ive started to notice the effect this has had on me. I was lucky to find a really great guy whom I can talk to about my past & he has helped me overcome alot of fears. But it still haunts me. I know I can trust him, but I sill have regressive thoughts that perhaps Im never going to be good enough, etc etc. Im worried that if I dont get over this soon enough, it make take a toll onthis new relationship, which is something I really wont want to happen. My hunny tells me its ok, we're friends first & is glad I talk to him about it, but Im afraid too much is too much. Ive considered therapy but I dont really have the time or money for it. Honestly I'd rather come to this place, which I have seen has great responses n such. I guess Im just asking for someone to tlak to about this other than my hunny, or friends, or family, cause they've seen the whole deal, they know the effects but I know honestly theyre tired of hearin it. I would be too lol. I mean, I've finnally put NC into effect. But in the end it seems Im just cutting off all the effort I PUT into that past relationship. It failed so I still feel like it was my fault, though I know better & I know it was his fault for the way he handled everything, Im at fault for not sticking up for myself in the long run & letting things happen for so long. Sry fer the long post. Just looking for support through this stuff-especially if anyone's been going through, has gone through, or may go through something similar, if not the same... Ive already done whats needed, but its still hard to put one foot in front of the other & walk away from something I put so much effort into! lol.

i wish it was so easy. I don't want to drop him because i'm deeply in love with him and i see my future with him, but on the other hand he is being a real jerk about this. Sounds plain & simple to me. If he's being a jerk, then get rid of him. Love isn't feeling pressured to do things you dont want to do. He really shouldnt have threatened you with another girl. Now he is telling me that while i will be staying there, she wants to come and stay one weekend (she lives a several hours away from the city) because she doesn't have many friends in the small town she lives in and likes to go to the city to have fun. Just tell him that you dont want to meet up with her. You dont have to. You have the right to choose who you associate with and who you dont want to. He needs to understand this. And the fact that she may stay a weekend over? Red Flag to me. I would understand if he would want you to be there when she's there if he wants you to be trusting of him, but he shouldnt FORCE or Threaten you about it! He's asking me ''what am i meant to say to her? you can't come and stay cause my girlfriend doesn't want you to?''. He says if I ask him to choose between me and her friendship, he'll choose her friendship (cause he ''doesn't want to be with a girl who asks him that'' It's his choice on whether he wants her to stay, and to loose you. It looks to me like he's trying to push you away. He's being manipulative & you need to stick up for yourself! Let him have her. He knows what strings to pull to get you to do things you dont want to. A relationship shouldnt work like this. He thinks that the reason I don't want to meet her is because I'm being vindictive and I still want to make him pay for how he hurt me. The truth is I just don't want to meet her, plain and simple. But I'm at a loss as to what to do. You shouldnt be at a loss. He's thinking your acting a certain way & feeling a certain way. Im sure youve told him otherwise. People cant tell you how your feeling! Just tell him plain as day you dont want to meet her. If he starts to 'whine/criticize' you tell him that you need some time away from him. And then take it. He'll prolly come crawling back to you, but dont take his crap! You shouldnt stay in a relationship that makes you wonder or worry about what will happen next. I went through something similar with my ex. It only gets worse if you stick around. You dont gamble a relationship. Find someone better that doesnt flaunt other girls around & threaten to leave you for them. If they talk about a 'friend' & say they want you to meet them, it should be YOUR call. I have met many of my current bf's friends, because I wanted to. They are all great people, but he never pressured me to do it. Is this a girl he just met or has known for a long time?

This is a difficult situation, but she does have a right to feel the way she does. If she's uncomfortable with your past (since i think this may have to do with it) then thats her problem. You told her the truth, and she wont have it. Find someone that can learn to accept your past, dont worry over someone that wont believe you. You put forth the effort to make it work and she gave up. You deserve more.

How did you know when you were "in love"? It just kinda happened. It wasnt slow, but because I had been in a hard relationship before this one, I was afraid of going too quickly, But 3 weeks in, I was already head over heels! You know, when your comfortable with the person your with, there is no pressure, & your happy to be with them & talk to them. Was it right away? Was it slow? Was it someone you'd known a long time.? As a matter of fact no, I had met him online and only talked to him for about a month, but it was so easy to talk with him, things just took off Who said it first? What was yours/ her response to it? He said it first & I was cautious of it. I wont say it unless i mean it. And I told him this. Its better to have it said & meant, then say it and not mean it. I finnally told him after a few weeks, & the reasons why, and he was happy. I was happy he told me & I knew he meant it. How are things with that person now? we're about 5 months into our relationship. Although things have slowed down a bit, we're still very much in love, and although we both know in the back of our minds we'd prolly rush things if given the chance, we are working hard to take things slow so things keep working out the way they are

Oh, and as for the pap smear, I had known nothing about it until a year or so ago, & didnt know how important it was; did a little research, & this is one of the main reasons im pushing myself to go. I havent had one done before, no.

Yia I had only mentioned the fasting because I had been to a dr's appt and they had me fast, cause I was going in for a cholestral checkup. Thanks for the tips guys Im uber nervous about it, but I know it needs to get done. my parents never forced me into getting a gyno, and sometimes i wish they did cause then i'd have an idea...but ah well, better now than never.

Well here goes with my first post: I havent been to the gyno before, and I kno Im a bit late in goin, but I am wondering if there is anything I should know, or anything I should not do before going? Like at a regular doctor check up, you dont eat after 12am? And another question, I plan to take birth control, and I don't know much about it. What are your top choices for these? Do I still have a regular menstrual cycle? Any help works... ](*,)

I have gone through a time where I didnt believe in God as well, and I was baptised Catholic. I eventually came back. The thing I see wrong with society is that parents/family/friends sometimes will FORCE a child into a religion they follow, mine never did, but they also didnt like when i strayed away from believeing in god. (i went from catholic, aethiest, to pagan, and finally christian again).nothing angers me more than the crazy stereotypical Crazy Church people. To me, thats completely over the top & rediculous. But I strongly believe that Finding God is a journey you must make on your own. It's a good idea that they put you through school, i did it as well. it gives you an idea of whats out there. But God is something you find on a personal level. It doesnt matter what others think, you dont need to flaunt it, and you dont need to hide it. But if you feel like soul searching, join a youth group. Perhaps if some of your friends go, go with them. To me, Christianity is something to celebrate. You shouldn't be pressurized to do it, but remember, it should be something that sticks with you. And if your not sure on which christian religion to choose, the best advice i heard on that is there is no perfectly correct religion, just see them as stepping stones towards the right idea. I hope you find what it is you are looking for!

Think of the input/output of the relationship. It's simple. Are you getting at least as much as your giving? If she's not putting half as much as you into it, then its only a one-sided deal. A relationship takes two people to make it successful. You deserve someone who knows what they want as well. Perhaps she really isnt ready to be back with you, and you need to realize this. If you need to break it off with her, then do it. The time it takes to move on will only last a while, but it takes even longer to heal a wound that keeps on getting irritated. Things probably wont change. Become friends again first, because that is what you need most in a relationship, the ability to trust & confide in your partner just as much as you would a close friend.

On the lighter side, I see the latest trends as an opportunity to find something you may like. But you dont HAVE to wear it if you dont like it! Everyone's body's are different, the skin tone is different, one thing that may look good on one person may not look so great on another. Thats why people need to find what fits them best! If your nuts and daring, and care to pull off a hot pink something with a polka something, by all means, go fer it! Especially if its yer day off! Of course honestly, I DO like the business suits for women, but you should always wear what your comfy in! Ive worn uniforms enough throughout highschool (JROTC) to the point where it just doesnt bug me anymore & im ok with wearing them. But I also think that magazines, fashion articles, etc are afraid of people being unique, because then they lose monies! They also are really bad with being so critical about one's appearance that people will believe it, because we all at some point in time DO care to be accepted by the rest of the world. But too bad, because everyone should have a sense of what THEY like for themselves. Love yerself!

I actually am going through something like this as well. i was with my ex on/off for about 4.5 years. I finally ended things with him about 7 months ago. Being with him was an emotional roller coaster, and I had felt like I lost a part of myself, since I put 120% into that relationship, and yet he was the one claling all the shots. Then I met my current hunny. The thing is, I am able to talk to him about it. I feel bad because for the first month we were together, I was constantly talking to him about the horrible things my ex did to me. Then reality struck, hes not the same guy. It helped alot that I was upfront with him & told him how I felt about everything. The best was we became fast friends in our relationship & i told him I always talked to him because I felt like he was the only person I knew that actually cared to know how I felt. And since talking with him, he's been encouraging towards me and has help me overcome my emotional issues from the past. I give him 120% of me, and he does the same. You need to tlak to your guy. Dont blame him for another's mistakes. Relax & realize that this new guy is there because he cares. Just be wary you dont let the same thing happen twice (not that it will!), or do it to him. Your scared you might, so let that be your guide and realize taking your anger from the past out on him will. Look at him in a new light and you'll be ok of course it helps that u talk to him, that way he can reencourage you that he's not the same person! If he really cares, then he wont mind reminding you as often as you need it, but again, you need to be independent as well, so rely on yourself to be strong too!

lol! This happened to me as well! Don't fret, its another gimick in the horrible world of online dating sites. Try myspace. Your chances are alot better there, that's where I met my hunny! ;D

I have been at this point too. The funny thing is, that I learned, the second you stop looking for love, it finds you! My friend said this to me and less than a week later my hunny came knockin on my door! Just relax about it. Its hard to do, but dont waste away in life stressing over something that will eventually come! ENjoy life! Do the things you love! Before you know it, opportunity will come a'knockin!

Like I had mentioned before. You two should have taken the time to get over your exes. And also remember, trust is earned, never given. Although she is being unreasonable with the phone, from the way I see it, give it time. Give her a reason to trust in a relationship again. If you have girls call you, make sure their good friends. If their exes, keep the convo short. If she's there, dont hesitate to answer the phone, itll only make her jealous. Make sure when you speak to them when she's there, to acknowledge that she's there and your spending time with her and you'll talk to them another time. Make her feel she can trust you. If they are friends, have them all hang out, if your girl says its ok, go out, hang out, and bring her into the conversation often. This is something you both need to work on, if your putting forth the effort to show ehr that you care, want her in your life, and are not willing to give up on her so easily, she should respond in a positive way. Otherwise you two inevitably will need some time apart to think about your positions in the relationship. The best thing my current bf has told me is to consider the input/output of the relaitonship. are you receiving as much as your giving? and in the end, is it really worth it?