mikeaman

Yeah I guess I have been trying too hard. It just sucks as I know what I want, and what I want I cant have, at least not now. We have talked about how she feels and all of those conversations go no where. All she can tell me is that she loves me, wants to be with me, but doesnt know whats going on right now. Sometimes its like I am talking to a wall. I am more of a logical thinker, where as she is not (and she admits to that fact). I guess my main fear is that if we cant get things better now (sense she has been here for a month on break), how can we expect to work on this when she goes back to school? I mean its hard enough right now, but then when she leaves she goes back to her separate life. I just wish I knew what was going on with her. I wish she knew. I feel its like she just wants to do her thing then when college is done she wants to get back with me. If youd like to read more indepth into this situation I posted below more deatil. Bottom line is I am still lost, completely confused. Its like I am pulling off leaves (she loves me... she loves me not sort of thing). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'll try to be as brief as I possibly can, but still make sense. The gist of the story goes like this: My girlfriend of almost 6 years and I have been on a break for about 5 months. Basically the first 3 years were pretty good. We hung out, had fun with each other and our friends, but then things started to get plain and boring. We pretty much started staying home and not doing much. A year in a half ago she went off to college. We did ok with the long term relationship for a year (its not super long away, she is 4 hrs from me so I can visit every now and then), but she started to change. She got all this new freedom and came back to me this last summer and everything went bad. She started to lie, hung out with a guy from work a lot (actually spent the night at his house, though she said nothing happened, and I do believe her on that) and then when I was fed up she asked for a break. So then we go on this break and honestly it's been hell. Not so much for her, but for me. She still called me every day, said she loved me, I visited a few times and we would kiss, make out, etc.. So to me it wasn't even really a break, it was just weird. It's like she wanted me their, but didn't. She wanted me, but not really. Does that make sense? Then about a month ago or so I find out she went way over in cell phone min (we have shared min on a phone bill). She had conversations in the middle of the night lasting hours on end. I asked her about it and she told me it was a guy. Now as a guy I don't really like chatting on the phone that much. So it's my belief that he wanted something. I then came to find out that its actually two guys. She has two guys that are calling her day after day for hours on end, both of which want her. Of course this pisses me off so I drive the four hours to visit her and say I can't take this crap. Either she wants to be with me or not. She makes up all this garbage then finally says "cant we just be friends for now?". At this point I just said fine we can be friends. And now here we are December 29th. She is here with family for the Christmas break and we have seen each other a few times. I guess one of the guys who has been calling her she hates and doesn't want to talk to. The other guy she says is a friend. Anyway four days ago she came over, sat me down and said that she was done. She knows what she wants, and what she wants is me. Now because of all the lies and all the other stuff I told her I was skeptical and that we can still be friends and see what happens. Things have not gotten any better. She told me yesterday that she doesn't feel anymore. I try and try to get something from her. I tell her she looks great, try to get her to go places with me, to do things, and we do them, but I get nothing from her. No emotions at all. She is like a solid rock. She still claims she loves me and wants to be with me and that she is trying to feel. I just dont know what I can do to help her, or if there is anything that can help. I mean I can either keep trying and hope she will react to me trying, or I can stop trying and hope she will figure things out on her own and come back. Either way is no good for me.

How long should I keep trying, or can you even put a time on it? I dont want to pressure her into anything as I dont feel thats right. I also dont want to keep trying and not getting anywhere. See for me its like I have two options. I can either move on which sucks as it would take me a while to want to date again and even then I may not really feel it, or I can try for her and hope she really does want me like she says. Both options though will take time, I just dont know which one is better. I love her to death, I really do. And I want to be with her, but its just so hard to put your all into something and not get anything back. Does that make sense?

I hoping someone out there can give me a word of advice or two… Anyway my story is a long a rough one that would take pages to explain. The short version goes like this: My girlfriend of almost 6 years and I have been on a "break" for roughly 5 months. Unlike her I know what I want. She keeps going back and forth. A few days ago she comes up to me and tells me she realized that she is through playing games, and that she wants to be with me. She said she loves me and wants to work things out. Now for me this is a little hard to believe and I know it will take time to rebuild, but id rather it be fixed now. I look at her and I want to be able to be romantic and intimate with her. I try and try, giving 100% and I get nothing back. She puts maybe 25% into this. All she is doing is taking. I just want something from her, some sort of affection and romance. We have talked and she said that she just doesn't feel it right now. What do I need to do in order to be intimate and romantic with her again, or is it even possible. I know she loves me and I love her. It's just hard for me because I want her, and I don't think she really knows what she wants. Any advice?

One more quick question... When she left today she said "well my battery is dead so I wont be able to call you until its charged, so talk to ya later". It sounds like she is still going to be calling me, like she didnt get what I said. If she does keep calling what should I do? I will ignore some of her calls, but if she calls all the time should I talk to her as a friend, or tell her we are supposed to be on a break? Once again I dont want to seem like the "bad guy".

Well I talked to her today about it and it didnt go as well as I would have liked. She really didnt want to talk about "us" anymore so hearing this seemed to make her mad. I told her this was the last time, but I just needed to say this. SO anyway I talked about the month break with no contact. Her response was "I dont care". So like I said it didnt really go how I wanted, but maybe she was just sick of talking about it. Anyway, we will see how this goes. I hope she is willing to work things out in the end, but I realize I should go on with my life in case she doesnt. Once again thanks for all the advice, and I will respond in a months time to tell you if the complete break worked. Thanks

OK, I will do that then. I'll talk to her today and let her know that I cant have her calling me, and coming by as its just to hard and confusing. I'll spend a month apart from her (no communication) and see what happens. Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it. I'll let you know what happens a month from now. Thanks again.

I dont know if it will trigger a relationship. I guess thats one of my fears. She already spends a lot of time with him, so if I stop talking to her then all of her time will be spent with him. I do believe her when she says nothing is going on with him at this time. Could something happen later on, possibly. I just dont want to give up on us yet. 5 years is a long time and she has been a huge part of my life. I do know that I dont want to wait around for her to make up her mind. Do you think it would ok for me to talk to her about this again in a month or so? Id like to be able to know if she thinks we will get back together or not before she goes off to college in two months. I look at her and I still see that she loves me. While she may be taking this a lot better than I, I know she still cares. Do you think there is anyway I can win her back? I realize that I need to give her time at first. I only wish I knew how much time, and if there was a chance for us. I ve asked her this, and she has said she doesnt know how long she needs, and doesnt know if we will get back together. I just dont want to give up yet. Its very hard because she means so much to me.

Another reason I forgot to mention why its hard to think about myself is because she is here still. She will still call me, she will still come over to run, and its hard. I dont want to be a jerk and forsure mess it all up by telling her not to call or come over, but at the same time it makes it harder. I dont even know if she is going through the same thing. When I look at her she seems so calm and sure of herself, like this isnt bothering her. Do you think it is? Like I said she opened up a little more today, but even with that she still seemed emotionless.

Yeah good points. Actually today she opened up to me a bit more on this topic. We talked about our break. I asked her about this guy and she said nothing is going on. Basically she said that right now she doesnt want anyone and she needs time to herself. I asked that if she ever wanted to see anyone what would she do. She told me that she wouldnt lead me on. If she was thinking about being with someone else she would tell me. Then she asked if we would still be friends if that happened. So what I took away from all of this is that this break could end up helping our relationship and we would get back together (which when I asked her she said she couldnt promise that), or this really is the end and she will move on later. I guess from how the conversation went, I really shouldnt hold on to hope. If I do I will only be hurt more in the end. I should just get on with my life (no matter how hard it is). I am not ready to start meeting other people, but I do need to start thinking about myself and not her. Months from now if we both still havent hooked up with anyone and if we still love one another and want to give it a chance then maybe that will happen. All I know is that this is the hardest trial i have ever faced. Whats even worse is that I am taking a summer term of classes so on the weekends I cant always go out to get my mind off of all of this. I still love her, and probably always will, but it is time to focus on me. I only wish I knew where to start. I am going to the gym more, but I still think about her. My work involves being on a PC all day so I think about her, then when I am in class (which is so boaring) I think about her. Any ideas of how to get her out of my mind?

Well when you put it that way no, thats not what I want. I dont want to be her backup in case things dont work. I still dont know if she really is with him. As I said I think they are just friends now, but the more apart her and I get, and the closer her and this other guy gets will probably lead to him and her hooking up. So the question for me is what should I do about it? If she really is just friends with this guy (very close friends), and I dont talk to her at all then I may end up pushing her closer to him. So how should I approch this for the time being? If I talk to her about it right now she will get angry. If I stop talking to her, she will spend more time with this guy. All I know is that, no I dont want her to be with this guy and them come back to me. I also know that I dont want to treat her like she is me. So what should I do? Do I need to just ignore her all together, or should I just talk to her every once in a while when she calls? If I feel she is with this guy then I wont talk to her, but right now I dont feel she is with him. Very lost as to what to do...

Thanks for the advice. I think I will give her a few weeks without calling her. If she calls me I will talk to her. If she comes by and wants to talk then I'll talk, but I think I just need to put up a brave face, like I am ok with this (enventhough I am not). When this first started happening it seemed the more we talked about it, the more annoyed she got, and she grew further apart from me. So maybe by talking to her when she wants, seeing her when she wants me to see her, and acting like things are ok, then maybe she will come back? If I still feel she is lying to me, leading me on, then I will arrange a meeting. I dont want to have hope, if there is none.

Also, I now feel that its going to be even harder to work things out because not only do I have to give her the space she wants, but when I do talk to her, or see her I have to compete with this other guy. I know its exciting for her because someone else has shown interest in her and I am sure he is staying low for a while, but slowly he will probably start to let her know that he likes her. I am just way worried right now. ALl of this just started to happen this week, and I dont know what to do. What if I give her too much time and she ends up with this guy? How can I give her space, focus on my life, and at the same time show her that I still care for her and love her? How can I compete with this kid who she is spending to much time with? Is there even a way?

Well there could be a rational reason... I will explain. See she is here for the summer, and her parents live about 30 min away. So when she goes to stay with them she needs to leave very early in the mounring to beat traffic. I know that she doesnt want to stay with me right now because of all of the stuff thats going on. So in this regard I could see her at his house, but at the same time she hasnt asked anyone of her other friends to stay the night. She only has one other guy friend (who is a friend and a good guy), and she has spent the night with him once, but that was different. It was after a party, she didnt want to drive home, and it was before she wanted this "break". She has spent more time with this guy in the last month in a half then with me and all her friends combined over this summer. SHe has friends that live close to her work, good friends of years and she hasnt talked to them. She has known this guy for a month, spends 8 hours a day at work with him, talks to him outside of work and will sometimes stay the night. Now do I think they are in separate rooms, yes. Do I think they are spending nights talking to eachother, yes I do. Also this thing with her bringing him with her to get an appartment, that I dont know about either. One again she didnt ask any of her other friends, and before this mess occurred I asked her is she wanted me to come with her and she said she was going by her self. All I know is that this guy does like her, she said that he liked her a month ago when they first started working together. I am sure he is thrilled that this is going on as he can now be there for her. She is getting sucked in, and I dont think there is anything I can do about it. Should i confront her about this when it gets closer to when she leaves to check for appartments? I am just really sick of being lied to. After being together for 5 years I dont think I deserve this. I have already asked for the truth earlier when all this started, but I still feel she is lying to me. Also what about the calling? She still calls me, and sometimes I will talk to her, because I dont want to seem like the bad guy, but what about me calling her? Is there a safe time that I can call? So if I dont call her for a few weeks could I then call after that and see how things are going?

Is there a safe amount of time that I can wait to call, or should I just not call her and let her call me all the time? In other words if I am not calling her for a few weeks, would it then be ok to give her a call and see how things are going? I wouldnt talk about us, just about whats up with her and stuff. Could I do that in a few weeks, or no? Also I am starting to worry more about this dude. As I said she told me that nothing has gone on, but when I asked if something would go on between them later on she said "I dont know whats going to happen in the future". I also know that she is still spending the night over there at times, and that she plans on taking him with her to go meet her roomate and pick out the appartment that she is going to stay in next year for school. Nothing has gone on between them yet, so what should I do? Just wait until something does? I have already talked to her about this a few days ago and all she said was "nothing is going on" and to "trust me". How I can trust her when she is lying to me I dont know. I guess I should just be prepared for that hu? Man, I truley never thought any of this would happen. This really sucks. I am so pissed off at this guy too. I mean what a jerk, keeps asking her to come over and spend the night. I told her that she may think of him as a friend, but I am pretty sure he doesnt think of her that way. What would you think if this girl who was still with her boyfriend, having some problems, but still with him, kept lying to him so she could see you, and stay the night with you? I told her that one of these days he is going to jump on her, and that when that comes she needs to make the choice to be with me or him. I dont want to be her backup. What makes me more angry is that this guy is a 19 year old first year college kid. She has only know him for a little over a month.

Another question guys... What about calling her, or talking to her online, or through email? Should I not even talk to her for a while? Should I just let her call me when she wants to talk? I dont want to be the "bad guy" here, and if I am purposely not calling, trying to avoid her, is that right? She did tell me she wanted space, and that especially at first she needed time, but then she said she would still see me and talk to me. I am just completely confused. Like I said in the previous message, I dont think I should have to re-arrange my life so I can avoid her, but at the same time I dont want to make things worse by still seeing her. Also I dont want to make things worse by not talking to her. ahhhh.... she is just confusing me so much. I am being pulled in multiple directions and I dont know what road to take.