cypress

First, I am so sorry that you are having to go through what should be a wonderful moment with so much agony. He sounds like a teenager, or worse. More than likely this fellow is going to pop in and out of the scene. I hope your feelings for him are truly over because this could be awful for you. I would hate for you to be waiting around for him while he figures things out. He needs to be contributing financially so you might want to start talking to someone about this. As for the hospital, I wouldn't want him there - and certainly not IN THE ROOM> If he wants to sit and wait around the hospital, whatever. But, sweetie, you need all the energy you have for that delivery. Do not let his evil energy in that room when you meet your precious child. Have someone positive in there to help you. He does not have a right to watch. Have courage and you will be the strong person that your baby needs. Look to the people who care about you to help you.

Wow, you are quite in the mix of it. Between your health issues, raising/supporting your daughter, you are in a new relationship that is filled with its own bout of craziness. What really stood out to me was that you have only been with this fellow for 9 months. I know that health issues can bring people very close. This is very concerning and you should really be discussing these concerns with your bf. If he is in fact going to propose I would highly recommend confronting these issues and discovering how you two will deal with conflict together. It is very unhealthy to have unprotected sex which leads to other things besides kids. I always wonder about folks who have kids with mutliple ex's, I guess I just don't fully understand the recklessness. I hope that you are being careful. You are moving very fast. Be careful. Why so quick to get married? Seems there is a lot going on.

So, you asked him to move in and to marry you. Hmmm. I don't think this sounds very attractive at all and can see why you are not feeling so hot for him. He sounds wishy washy and anything but ready to commit as an adult. I'm beginning to think it really isn't his parents at all, or maybe they see that he isn't ready because he can't make his own decisions. If anyone needs counseling it is the two of you. If you are considering married I highly recommend marrage counseling prior to setting the date. You may find that his lack of commitment at this phase is just a sign that you are going to be running the show. Are you going to decide to have kids? Are you going to make all the decisions about buying a house, where to send the kids, whether to fix the roof? I may be wrong but he just seems like he is lost and looking for direction. I bet you could convince him to do the marriage counseling. Find a counselor and make an appointment. Good luck.

I always thought it was more of an attraction to "bad boys" not jerks, and that was when I was younger. I think most of the ladies on here have hit the nail on the head. Assertive, confident men are attractive. Strong men are sexy. We are animals after all. If a man is confident, interesting/interested, passionate, HEALTHY, and "nice" that is what I'm attracted to. Younger girls I think are more into the chase, and getting people to accept them. When we get older our priorities change a bit. Same as you men.

Sorry, I have to bump on here...all I can say is WOW. I can't believe he calls you "babe" in an e-mail and is lecturing you about money. It sure is good that you are dating such an educated financially savy fellow. I have a friend who pays for a lot of stuff for her boyfriends. It is one way that she shows affection, she always has. I think the other advice on here is great. STOP paying for stuff. You aren't his mom, don't check his wallet. If your broke and he wants to go out tell him you can't go cause you don't have any money. Leave your cards at home if he says he is going to pay. You should have stopped paying for everything months ago.

[He knew from the start that I eventually wanted to get married and he's kinda hinted that he said yes the 2nd time because he didn't want to lose me. I just worry that we're in too deep now as we've got financial commitments and other ties together and it's almost too late to re-think it all. What a horrid situation. I think that you are already rethinking your goal already. First, please do not think it is ever too late to back out, especially because of financial commitments. Do you own a home together? Even if you do there are fairly easy ways to deal with that. What you can't back out of is a kid. Money is just that, paper and stuff..well you can get more of it. This guy sounds like he is waiting for the women in his life to tell him what to do. You asked him to marry you. Did you ask him to move in? He seems to want to be taken care of. I think you will be stuck with his mom for the rest of your life if you stay with this guy. I'm sorry, this is no fun. GL

My guess is that you are young, not to down play your emotions. Most couples do not have monthly anniverseries. Typically men tend to not be big on date remembering and so-forth anyway. There is so much more to a relationship than flowers and giving a necklace on a particular day. If this is the first man you can be friends with as well as intimate I'm sure you are feeling a bit odd. I would say that you are being very demanding and a little crazy about this remembering the day you met and your first date. However, if that is what is important to you then you need to be with someone who also finds that important. Now, if things just aren't clicking you don't really need a reason. If you feel this way after 2 months of dating I would say that it just isn't what it needs to be and move on. It really doesn't have to be anyone's fault. Did you move a little fast into this? After 2 months things should be wonderful. Good luck.

After reading this craziness I wanted to drop a note of thought. First, yeah, obviously it is rediculous to pay for a place you are not living. However, it sounds like you were spending an enormous amount of time there (4 months?) and not paying anything. You live with your parents? I've lived on my own for a long time. I wouldn't date a man living with his parents unless he was taking care of them or there temp. due to some horrid situation. I recommend that you get your own place and begin your relationships on a level of equality. You should begin your relationships independently and not be moving in with the person just to get away from your parents. If I had a man practically living in my house I would probably ask for him to contribute, just to get him to understand how much it costs. If you had your own place then it would be different. If you did not live there and were paying her rent, that is more like a sugar daddy and in that case my mortgage is about $900 a month. Get your own place and begin dating as an adult. It is a lot better. paz

I thought that was what we were trying to help you do. By seeing how strongly others feel maybe you can see that you have some feelings that need to be dealt with. Next time it is bothering you, the "number" that seems to be so important, maybe you'll see that it really isn't that important. As you said earlier, if someone cares about you, and you have gone into a relationship respectfully and in a caring way, you should be able to be honest and accepting. If you are unable to do so then only you can figure out what that real problem is. Are you living a life style that you feel is acceptable?

I would discuss that I wouldn't feel comfortable with the number thing. My boyfriend of 7 years and I both feel the same way about the number discussion. I think I would know if he was a man * * * * * from my experiences. You seem to feel free to tell your number and don't feel like you have anything to hide. Do you care about your partner enough to pass on your own expectations. If you expect your partners to be open shouldn't you be the same. Your reaction to her honesty might make her feel that she cannot share other topics with you. Perhaps she did jump into a sexual relationship to soon on this occasion. Prior to having sex, if this was so important to you, you should have discussed it. And if a lack of sexual partners is important to you, maybe you should refrain from sex until you are ready for marriage.

With the why are you like this question, I have a theory. Men want to feel like they are the best. Maybe the idea that she has had other men is making you wonder how you measure up? Just an idea. As a girl, I can only guess.

I learned a long time ago to never give numbers. No answer you can give is going to make your partner happy. Discussing disease is, however, a very important conversation and does not have much to do with the number of partners, but the level of protection used. I think that you opened a can of worms. Learn from this discussion as it seems that you cannot handle your gf's honesty. I recommend that you do not ask questions when you are not going to like any answer you hear. 9 partners for a single person in their 30s is a low number. You also emphasized that you had to wait 4 months prior to having sex. Sounds like she held you off a bit which is why she has only slept with 9 people. I think that you are putting too much weight on this. You want sex before marriage but don't want the person you are sleeping with to have had other partners. REFLECT on this. It is great to have high standards, but hypocritical to expect someone having sex with you to have higher moral standards. Good luck.

It is a shame that children are brought into this world in this sort of way. Maybe guys should use condoms with girls that they have only dated for 3 weeks. Hope you are using protection.

My sister was in a very similar situation with a married man. He ended up divorcing his wife. The wife called my sister to have a talk. She told my sister that the "husband" had come and pleaded for her to take him back, that she had in the past with his past affairs...but she would not this time. She told my sister to take him. Flash forward a few months. My sister had just moved in with him. She busted him trying to cheat on her when he went out with some woman he met on the internet. Turned into a nasty mess. I think you are crazy to stay with a married man. Sorry, but it blows my mind when people get with cheaters and think that they are going to change. What happens when you are no longer satisfying his needs? Is he going to go find another young lady to help him get through his tough situation? Not to mention the fact that he gets to have sex with two women. And I wouldn't believe him if he says he isn't sleeping with her. Sorry to be so blunt. Run. Move. Go find a man that will be with you and only you, NOW, not when his wife is in a better place. You deserve better.

Interestingly, I was in your situation at one point. I had begun dating a man and a few weeks into the budding relationship he dropped the my ex is having my baby bomb. Luckily it was prior to any sexual intimacy on our part, which I felt was appropriate. I am hoping that he disclosed this information to you prior to developing a more intimate relationship. If not, hmmm. The prior advice has been very good. You are not a part of this child's life unless the mother wants you to be. How long have you been with this guy? If he isn't there for the child he created do you really want to be with him? If you were her, would you appreciate the treatment? If this is in fact his kid, the mother of the child will always be in his life if he wants to be a dad instead of a baby maker. The mother of the child will decide if you should have any part in her child's life in the beginning. Until you are more significantly tied to your bf you are only his girlfriend. If you get to a point where you and your bf are thinking long term your behavior in these initial phases will be very important. Do not argue with the mother. Try to put yourself in her place. If she seems irrational, don't try to rationalize with her. If you were due to give birth alone in 7 weeks, how rational would you be? Good luck. It is not an easy place to be.

If it is only vaginal sex that seems to pain her there are other ways to give you both pleasure as well as intimacy. If she is feeling like you only want to penetration she is going to be turned off so you may want to discuss it. Oral sex as well as tantric methods could be quite useful in your situation. Massage, baths, etc.. There are a lot of books out there with non-traditional examples. Hopefully she will see that you are still attracted to her and satisfied with other forms of intimacy. She needs reassurance without pressure. Most women climax through stimulation to the clitoris anyway. Hope that helps.

Thank you. That is a very thoughtful analysis and I am going to spend some time with that. Very good advice.

I haven't really been ready either...I guess I think it isn't something you are necessarily totally ready for but your body has a time limit. If I'm not going to do the family thing naturally, then I'm ready to quit this job and go be a dive instructor.

First, thanks for being interested in this. Yes, we own a house together. That was part of my step to being more of a "we" and less of a "me" in the relationship. He really didn't want me to leave for a year but was supportive when I did and came to visit. He even got certified to dive this Summer to be able to vacation with me more. I recently left for a week to visit friends in the tropical local I lived. He was not very happy about that but didn't want to go. We have gone on a lot of separate vacations. I usually leave every summer for a month and so does he. He likes cooler climates and I am tropical. Maybe I'm too sensitive but he does say a lot of belittling things. Sometimes I feel like there is a lot of contempt. When we are with his friends he will put me down or not give me opportunities to talk, giving me a poke if I'm talking about something he doesn't feel is appropriate. That really bothers me. He even told me I was stupid for thinking something, in front of his family. Nice. It is like a Dr. Jekel Mr. Hyde thing. Sometimes he is super wonderful and others really mean. Like when I was sick this week. I was tired from having conferences until 8pm and he just said that he was use to working that hard and asked what I was going to do for dinner. On the flip side, we have a sick kitty that he drove 2 hours to see a special vet. I'm really frustrated. I feel like I'm working too hard in a job I am only in because I came back to be with him and the year that I've been back has not proven to show any sign of a maturing relationship. I am only feeling bitter and about ready to just walk out. And yes, we have spoken about these feelings. uhg

Sorry I wasn't more specific. I guess it is strange just ranting to folks I don't know. Because we are friends with everyone here I know as a couple, there is no one I feel comfortable confiding in. Our issues seem to come from a few places. For one, I met him climbing (which I was heavily invovled in). He climbs - every weekend - vacation, etc.. I can't do too much anymore because of some injuries as well as that I feel like he puts me down when we are out there (not fun) so, I have found other activities. As for the kid stuff. I brought it up when we spoke about splitting. I told him what I wanted and that if he wasn't into it that it would be better to go our separate ways. He came back to me and told me he would be. I have not really brought it up since. As I would prefer to get married before the kid thing anyway. He just makes comments about my other friends and their kids that are not very encouraging. So, my feelings tend to be that if I'm not going to settle down in a growing, maturing relationship...why settle down? I am drawn to working abroad again and want to sail and dive. I miss the ocean. I miss the sun. (I was doing that the year I left) Obviously a relationship that has lasted 7 years is much more complicated than a few paragraphs.

I ended up on this site like I think most folks do, random google search.. Perhaps you guys might have some insight that has eluded me. I have been in a long term relationship for over 7 years. We haved lived together for 5 and during that time I took a job over seas for a year while my boyfriend "waited" for me. I am a bit of a wanderer. I came back after breaking up with him due to some fairly major differences in relationship ideals. He has known that I want to have a child. He said that he would be ready later. Now, a year later, we own a house together and both have good jobs...no progression. We argue about the same stuff and I feel like the relationship has just hit a wall. He is a wonderful man, fun, and a good friend. Thing is, we are even sleeping in different rooms now. When we discuss the problems he always tries to find solutions to bring me back. We are both 34. Tic toc. I'm to the point now that I think I need to just leave to end it. Then I start feeling selfish and like I'm stupid for wanting to leave someone who I can trust so much. Ah! I'm not stupid. He obviously doesn't want to have kids (at least not with me). Clarity?