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moonbeam111

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  1. moonbeam111
    Hello and sorry you are going through this when the kids are involved. You may want to visit this site link removed Their forum is great and they have good tools you can use to improve your marriage and even make it great. I saw people recovering their marriage on a brink of actual divorce when a detached spouse suddenly woke up. How about this: DOs 1. Act Happy 2. Get a life (new activities, etc.) 3. repeat over and over..."I will make it" 4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the detached spouse current comfort zone 5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point) 6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum) 7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc) 8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong 9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tomorrow) DON'Ts 1. Repeatedly say "I love you" 2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet 3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag 4. Say, "I've changed"....allow your spouse to simply judge your actions 5. Argue, Reason or Plead 6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery 7. Act helpless or depressed. 8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble 9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the detached spouse' idea) 10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship" 11. GIVE UP Good luck!
  2. moonbeam111
    I would give the card to charity and mail him a receipt. And wouldn't add a word.
  3. moonbeam111
    This is tough but you made the right decision. Stay strong and avoid his manipulations. Have a wonderful time and happy holidays!
  4. moonbeam111
    Kelly is with her husband. Your ex is alone. Continue being professional and fake being tough and happy on your own. Do it for yourself, your self-esteem, and your work! Remember, your work is very important. You also may want to establish official NC with him because you would try to read more into every text message, every phone call he makes out of boredom or guilt or curiosity. You need to protect yourself now from being hurt from more broken hopes. I am sorry you are hurting... try to survive holidays, I know it is very tough...
  5. moonbeam111
    Frisco, I think that there is a lot of hope in your marriage. You may want to visit a website link removed and get some tools on how to rebuild your marriage. Some of her needs are not met and she probably does not have the right language to talk about them. I am so glad that you value your marriage and are willing to work on it. Good luck! P.S. Scout may be on something here. Confusion, kisses and hugs (feeling guilty?), and her refusal to seek counseling... She may not be engaged in a physical affair, but she might have an emotional affair. In any way, her behavior is very inconsistent and that's why I agree with Scout on that.
  6. moonbeam111
    Bambina, Yay for 31 days of NC! You are very strong. How is a ski search going?
  7. moonbeam111
    It is not fair that it happened to you. It's terrible. You did everything possible to stand by him and keep the family intact. But it takes two people to do that. Since you are looking for explanations, I have a few ideas why he could make such poor choices: 1. Neurological changes due to the accident. Disconnect, lack of empathy, impulsivity, etc... 2. Death anxiety related to the accident and a feeling that life is too short and he needs to live for himself and pursue his dreams while he can. 3. Late middle life crisis. The reasons - mortality, aging, late regrets, and burning desire to start over with a new younger woman. But whatever the real reasons are, it does not matter! Your children need a healthy, strong, and happy mom. Why don't you reverse your powerful intention to help him and apply it to yourself? Get a lot of help and support, reach out to friends and family, nurture yourself and let go of "him". The man you loved is still in your heart. The love, the good times, the connection - it's all yours still. The man that walks around and looks like him is a stranger. Your mind is sharp and your inner vision is excellent. You did recognize that he is a stranger, right?
  8. moonbeam111
    Bambina and Dorsay, when I read your thread, I often have tears in my eyes. You are great human beings with solid values and honest, loving hearts. I am so glad you support each other during this heartbreaking time! It will get better...
  9. moonbeam111
    I agree with Blender. I too took Italian classes, reconnected with friends, and focused on myself after the breakup. I decided to date myself and get to know myself better. If you start dating right now, you would miss the opportunity to learn who you are and what you want. Patience. Deep breath. Smile. This is you. Get to know you before you get to know anyone else.
  10. moonbeam111
    Brilliant!
  11. moonbeam111
    Finewine, dear, you can't make yourself forgive him. Not yet. He is still toxic for you and you are still hurt by his poor choices. You need to be selfish and take care of yourself. Cut him out. Focus on healing and moving on. Before you can forgive him, you need to forgive yourself for staying with him and getting hurt. Now about his problems. It's a separate issue. He is confused but it's not your job to understand his confusion and help him. Don't waste a minute thinking about his personality disorder, dysfuncitonal family, or bad childhood. You won't get paid for it, right? Not by him, that's for sure!!!
  12. moonbeam111
    Everything he said made sense to him. And yes, it is possible to hold two opposite intentions at the same time. He had his inner conflicts and he was trying to resolve them in a way that made sense to him. He was being confused too. He is human. All you can do is to try being compassionate. Tell him that you heard him. And tell him that you are not his therapist and that he needs to seek help somewhere else. And wish him good luck.
  13. moonbeam111
    I think that you need to forgive yourself for what you did (affair). Otherwise, staying with him is a punishment that you chose to undergo for your "sins". It's like you need to suffer for breaking families apart. But you don't. The only way to be free is to walk away from this unhealthy relationship. You are not a prisoner. You are not in jail. The best option is to stand true to your feelings. You may definitely benefit from counseling. You are worthy of respect, love, and a truthful relationship. Focus on your self-esteem, trust the future, and don't sell yourself short. I am sorry you are in such a turmoil.
  14. moonbeam111
    You may really benefit from going to link removed
  15. moonbeam111
    I would have been happy to have a friend like you. I think that you have grown a lot and let go of blame. No wonder you feel whole and healed. The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love. Jennifer Edwards
  16. moonbeam111
    The only word that comes to my mind when I think about this dream is awareness. The other woman, just like you, has been blind about you in your friend's life. Imagine that instead of your friend, you could talk to that woman and that you two can share the feelings and experiences of being involved with the "friend". And bambina is 100% right. In your dream the hidden anger (you) does not want to remain hidden anymore. It wants to be seen.
  17. moonbeam111
    Oh, honey, please don't call. If you are so emotionally involved with him still, it would not do any good for you to experience even more pain. If he wanted to talk to you, he would have called you by now. You know that. The main goal right now is to take care of yourself and avoid re-injuring your wounded heart. This would be the main goal. Not the goal of trying to understand what went wrong. Not the goal of trying to tell him how you feel. Not the goal of trying to clarify his mixed messages. The way you perceive the forum is up to you. You can normalize your feelings and get support here. You can see that you are going through the healing process that has its own stages. If you want to deviate from this process of healing, you can read people' stories when they tried to break NC and what they found when they did. But if you want to see this forum as an outlet for keeping your feelings stuck around your friend, then it's up to you to let go of the forum the way you need to let go of your friend. Only when you are ready to walk away from your friend and accept the loss, you can start your healing and truly grieve. The pain is unbearable. But it will subside. You will find a partner who will truly appreciate you and give you the love you deserve.
  18. moonbeam111
    Is it possible for you two to take a class on co-parenting? You may want to research some community resources and find organizations that help divorced families with coping and learning about co-parenting and challenges that children of divorced families face.
  19. moonbeam111
    There is a thread started by Bambina and Dorsay about NC in Breaking Up. They have been in NC for about a month and have a lot to share. You may want to read their thread to get some good ideas.
  20. moonbeam111
    Dear gitch, There is a very good website where you can get advice and support in your difficult situation. It's important to stay calm, positive, and give a good example to your children. link removed Good luck. You have a long and tiring road ahead of you. Reach out for as much support as you can.
  21. moonbeam111
    Lady Bug, Volunteering for holidays was my plan too before my fiance and I reconciled a few months ago. It's such a good idea! And you don't have to be alone and think about WHAT IF. We still want to volunteer and we decided to open our wedding registry at Target and give household items to a poor immigrant family with many kids. Yes, doing meaningful things is healing.
  22. moonbeam111
    I know what you mean about not being compassionate about his hurt feelings. Right now you are a broken half of the couple that no longer exists. You need to heal, become whole and strong again. A few years ago I talked to a buddhist monk about his constant caring for people who suffered and were in pain. I asked him where he got the strength to be compassionate all the time. He said that he actually was not compassionate all the time. When he started feeling someone's pain and suffering, he knew that it was time to shift his focus from compassion to joy. Yes, he said that he would focus on joy and do things for himself to become joyful. He would ejoy friends, food, music, readings, nature, and playing with children and pets. He would become whole and would be able to be compassionate again. I am sorry you hurt. If breaking NC brings even more hurt, here is your answer - stay away, and take care of yourself.
  23. moonbeam111
    > Excellent point BillyJean! I wish many women can really hear what you said. But, as we know, they are in denial and avoid asking direct questions. Although their gut feeling is right when they feel uncomfortable and used as FBW partners. A2000, I know how hard it was for you to finally have "the talk". You deserve being with a man who truly loves and respects you. You learn. You trust your inner feelings. And you won't let anybody disrespect your values. Good luck!
  24. moonbeam111
    There is a great website where you can find support and advice on divorce - link removed Good luck and take good care of yourself. Your husband's choice was not the result of any of your actions, thoughts, or feelings. You have nothing to do with his decision to have an emotional affair.
  25. moonbeam111
    Listen to Beec. He is 100% right about respect. Don't think with your heart, think with your head.
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