northernlight
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Posts
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I am a little confused here, perhaps due to my difficulty following the chronology through the different threads that you have posted on. My confusion is; are you and your wife separating, separated, or merely talking about it. The above in from one of your posts on another thread. Yes, her going pee is normal. What about if you when she does that get up yourself and engage her in some about whatever, as she comes out of the bathroom?
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My wife and I share a similar experience to you. At first we tried talking about the sexual difficulties but nothing would ever really get resolved. Then the discussions became awkward and took place over ever increasing intervals. We continue to discuss and share our lives, thoughts and feelings, but actively avoid intimate subjects. We have become as you say, mere companions. Romance, and intimacy have become such awkward subjects, the journey back seems so long and arduous. I do not even know where to start. I agree with you though that B will probably only add to the difficulties, and in the end solve little or nothing.
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Yeah that's the plan but it is not going to be easy. I live in a small town and it is only a matter of time before I run into her. I do have resolve but I fear that resolve may be insufficient when I see her face again. The problem is I am so darn lonely for some intimacy in my life, that I don't even know if my feelings for B are just me grasping to fill the void. Worse still there are times when I do not care if my feelings for B are just my attempt to fill the void, so long as I can have a moment of intimacy. The despair does indeed overwhelm at times.
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I know I am probably not the best one to give advice but I would say do not tell him about the affair. What would be gained by it? Oh, you may feel better for being "honest" with him, but will that make him feel better? Somehow I doubt it. As for me I will bear my own guilt and take my transgression to the grave. Of course it is altogether another matter if she were to find out about it on her own. Then of course I must not lie. What do you think it is that holds you back from returning your husbands love? Is it the affair? You see I keep asking you questions because I keep hoping to hear in your answer some insight about my own wife. Forgive me if I pry too much.
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Where do you even start?
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You say you asked your husband why he does not leave you. Has he ever asked you that question, and if so what did you tell him? In your posts there are times I swear I can almost hear echoes of both my wife's voice and my own.
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Thank you so much for your reply. There is so much in your reply that I can relate to. My wife refused me so often that we too have stopped asking for intimacy. Hence our now sleeping in different beds. The idea being if we are never going to be intimate we might as well at least sleep well at night. I don't know how you and your husband got to that state, but that's really not so important. The important thing is how, and can you get it back. At least for me that is the important question. Personally I am not entirely sure I can, but I hate the notion of just giving up, even though in many ways I already have. Your comment about a pseudo marriage really strikes home. I too have been overwhelmed by the notion that I have been living in a pseudo marriage. Perhaps that is how I come to be in the position I am in with B. I want more from a marriage or a relationship. But the more that I want surely must be more than simply sex. Surely there is more to it than that. I too like you must figure out if my marriage can be fixed. I just wish I knew how to figure that out. How did you do it, or did you? Unfortunately professional therapy will be difficult. I live in a small remote area several hundred kilometers from a centre where such services would be available. Any way I am sorry for rambling on here. Suffice it to say your posting has given me much to consider and I would like to think on it for a while and reply more later on.
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It seems to be a common theme through most of the replies, that if I decide to end the marriage it should be because I do not see hope in the marriage itself, and not merely to be with the the other woman. And for what it is worth I agree, problem is though there is this other woman. She does exist and I have trouble keeping her from my thoughts. This is a quandary because how can I be sure what I decide about my marriage is not unduly influenced by my feelings for B? Some might say I should just eliminate B from the equation. Easier said than done. I only see B once or twice per month but she is never very far from my thoughts. Neither is my wife for that matter. I find it hard to consider one without the other popping into my head.
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Do I love my wife anymore? I have been wondering this myself. In short I think yes. But is it enough? More particularly, do I love my wife as a wife or is more along the lines that one would love say a close relative. When did the sex go bad? About three years ago when she started to complain of experiencing pain. But that is not the half of it. Long before that she had lost interest in sex, in fact I would venture to say that it is doubtful she ever really had much in the first place.
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Thanks for your reply. Am I thinking of Divorce for its own sake or is simply because of B? I guess your question is what I am kind of trying to muddle through in this forum. I do appreciate each reply I have received for just that reason, they force me to continue to muddle through this before I do anything stupid. I can say though in response to your reply that I do not fear being alone. I am a person who enjoys his own solitude.
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Thanks for the reply but I am not sure what you mean by incompatible in bed. If it is the physical act you mean, I can not agree. That is just plumbing and one bit of plumbing can be made to fit another. As I see it, it is the desire or lack thereof, to have sex that is the problem.
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In laying it all out there with my wife are you suggesting I inform my wife about B? I would have real trouble with that. I think all that would do is hurt her and make my guilt her guilt.
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Now that the subject of my 1st marriage is out I should advise I left her due to infidelity on her part. I do apreciate the irony here though, now that I am to some extent at least on the other side. As for getting involved and trying to make a go of it with B, I do not even know if she would have me. At this time that's not the point, I fear it may become the point though.
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You make a good point doyathink, but the problem is in a sense just how you say it. If I were to conclude my marriage was not repairable, how could I be certain my conclusion or decision is not clouded by my feelings for B, or as you put it "have a chance with B".
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Your right it is a kick to the nuts, and it has got my attention believe me. My wife and I have tried in the past to talk about this, but it has never come to much. She has promised to talk to her doctor about it lest the trouble is medical in nature but to my knowledge she has not carried through. To complicate things I should point out that my wife and I work in the same office, which makes the notion of splitting up all the more uncomfortable.