Jump to content

Heatrae

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    73

  • Joined

 Content Type 

Everything posted by Heatrae

  1. Heatrae
    Well, I can tell you...you NEED to leave your husband. It is neither honorable nor healthy for you to be cheating on him. Youve only been married short while. Cut your losses. You will be in pain and your hunsband will be in pain, but the pain will subside and then you will be freed up to become happy. I am so much happier alone than when I was living with my husband. I was lying everyday to make myself justify staying in the marriage. But I realized I was too young to stay unhappily mariied to a really good man...just not the man for me. You nee dto talk to your husband and tell him, "I'm not in love with you the way I THINK I should be with my husband. The love I feel for you is very sisterly and that will not sustain us over a life time." Tell him, you must tell him. I realized that you have a standard of how YOU should feel when you're in love with a man, and that you just don't feel that way. You need to own the lack of love you feel and not let him think it's about him. You have to take ownership of your own happiness. There is NO EXCUSE for you to NOT be happy. You are a dishonest woman if you continue to see this other man and live the lie you are by staying married to your husband. He deserves better. Good luck. It will be fine.!!!
  2. Heatrae
    Very well said, Crook! I experienced this with my mother back in 1996 and she recently passed away, I am very happy I was able to forgive. I hope a lot of people take your words to heart.
  3. Heatrae
    THe man returned from vacation and I did my best to not mention his birthday nor the vacation itself. He came back at me with a CD of songs he wanted me to hear that he mentioned months ago and never got around to bringing it to work for me. So, hre he gives me the CD- I give him his bday gift. He called me for my bday singing and then told me, "I love you and wanted to wish you a happy bday. Be careful out there." WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Why ..how can he love one woman and still live with another? When he gave me the CD with a prticular song on it he told me to listen to it and siad that during that song he is free to live the life he wants to lead and then when the song is over, it's about it kids. "I am staying because of my kids." This he says with a very somber face. HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
  4. Heatrae
    Please forgive me for being so blunt but men can be quite simple: It's not that he doesn't want a committment...it's that he doesn't want a committment with you. It really is that simple and I know it hurts. Men are simple that way an ya gotta see it for what it is. I've been there...pursued by a marreid man who won't commit ot me so I know, Sister. Try to move forward. There is a man who wants a committment with you. He will walk right up to you within the next 7 months. I assure you!
  5. Heatrae
    Thanks Winkie. T was with his wife in totality for 5 years, married for 2.5 of those. She was controlling and selfish and about 7 years younger.. She wanted all of his time and attentions and tried to keep him from his family. They didn't like her because of this. He doesn't compare me to her openly, but I"m sure in his mind he does. I was aware scorpios are sexual people, but I'm just talking maybe some hand h olding, a little kissing, etc. I really want to make that connection with him. It's a big deal to kiss and all, but I'm not going to have sex with him right now. Why won't he kiss me? I'm a pretty hot chick and I've told him I have outstanding boundaries and that my concern would be that he's not attracted to me. He assured me that during one of our hugs, "the attraction is definitely there and the blood is pumping down below!" So that made me feel better, but as our conversations progress (and we talk daily. I never call him- he always calls me) I dont' want to end up just a friend. I mean, how long should I allow this to continue. I have my needs too. I just want to be able to be myself. I am a physical person (Leo) and show my love through touch and expression. I am not able to do that with him becuse I"m accommodating his "need" to "peel back my layers" before he even KISSES me. Tell me why just kissing me would be such a big deal. I am 34 years old...I have control! HELP!
  6. Heatrae
    I met this man online. He's 33, divorced with a son (3.5) part time, and a scorpio. He is asserive in wanting to spend a lot of time on the phone. We met in person- hit it off famously. We didnt' kiss on the first date, but did some hugging. We are definitely attracted to each other and relieved. He tells me he doesn't want to go the "physical" route because relationships that are built on that don't last. This time around he wants to "peel back the layers" of the other person and fall in love with that first. In the past, he has become sexual very quickly and then lost interest very fast. We ha the first date, then another casual date 3 days later (spoke on the phone each day tho) and then he invited me to meet his family the following weekend. I had a blast meeting them. They were great and they really liked me. I am nothing like the ex-wife. So it's been a total of 3 weeks that we've been communicating. He calls and textpages all the time. I have seen him those 3 times. He calls and analyzes the "relationship" constantly and is just not ready to kiss me. I am going NUTS! It makes me feel unattractive and I've never met a man like this before. I assured him I am not ready to be sexual, but that one of the ways I connect with a person is through physical touch. He agrees and says he feels it, but just isn't letting himself go there yet. He wants to make sure everything else is there first, because he knows it will go sexual quick and wants to make sure the relatiosnhip can withstand it. It's as tho he's stuck in the uncertainty stage. I don't know what to do. I just want a kiss. I want to be able to be myself, but instead I am playing therapist, friend, etc. I want something romantic. He talks about romantic all the time. His intentions are for a relationship with me. He is used to dating girls, where he calls me a WOMAN. A mature, stable, career-minded, beautiful woman that challenges his mind. I am also very tall. He is 6'5 and I am 6'1. He is hung up on my height. He is used to being the dominate one in the realtionship and now he is trying to be with me who he considers his equal. I amke him THINK about things. Please help...where is this going? Should I ne happy he's moving so slow or are these red flags. I m a very attractive, well-built woman and he's very attractive also. I don't know what to make of it. Help a sister out, will ya!!
  7. Heatrae
    Thank you, thank you!!!! I know how I work and it means I will need the distraction of another man to help ease the main. I have been online for a few months on the dating site and have been on MANY dates. NOthing too serious, but it DOES ease some of the pain. I am taking very good care of myself: in very good shape, eat well, attractive, outgoing, active, etc. I go out on the weekends all the time, but men are quite intimidated by me so I rarely get approached. I thank you for hte suggestions about getting out there. I also agree that he doesn't want the MESS of a divorce. He will be OK to live with one woman and be in love with another for the rest of his life because he doesn't want to make the effort to get happy and go through the drama, etc. Someone suggested to me that I give him the book "Self Matters" by Dr. Phil. IT IS his birthday next week and I had planned on ignoring it (mine is the following week). But I think, and not even about leaving his wife, but that he could really benefit from such a book. HE is so wrapped up in what OTHER people think is the right thing for him to do. He stood before me once when we were talking about the fact taht he has the power to make all this pain go away for everyone, me him and the wife. He looked at me with his hands out as if he were holding water in them and said, "Oh, I know...I have the power to choose to be happy and be with the woman I love (raises left hand) or to shose what I think is the right thing to do for my family (raises right hand). Believe me Heather, I know. I think about this 24 hours a day..." It was that converstaion that did it for me, at least for a while. I realsized he would never tell me he didnt' love me, nor want to be with me. He would never truly commit to the wife and that I had to do something for myself. HE was simply stating he DID realize how much control he had and that yet he wasn't making any overt decisions. I had to take his IN-action as a decision in and of itself. IT was then that I started to walk away. I had been free from my marriage at that point about 5 months. To this day, he still sends me love song videos, sexually flirts, but doesn't go WAY out of his way. I am not getting phone calls unless I instigate it. I didn't however instigate anything about the songs or otherwise. So...he's away on vacation, sitting on a lake with only his thoughts and the reality of his "decision" I guess. Everytime he and the wife fight or avoid each other, he has only himself to thank. What do you think about giving him the book (actually the CD version), VERY casually like I would any friend when he returns from his trip??? Thanks a bunch everyone!
  8. Heatrae
    PLEASE....I know people in this situation. There are things you can do to prevent this. Go look at link removed. This site will tell you what to do and how to keep from straying and what may be missing. Once you cheat it becomes easier and easier. SOmething is missing from your marriage. Be brutally honest with your wife about what you think it is..she deserves a chance to try to fix whatever it is before you wreck yourself and her with infidelity
  9. Heatrae
    Crook! I get what you are saying. His gretaest fear in life IS instability. We have talked about that. He knows he will never be HAPPY with his wife, he is not in denial about that and he knows I don't want to be in an affair. I just don't understand how someone can live so unhappily simple because of the familiarity he shares with his wife. To the degree that he will continue to love me, tell me so and attempt to be with me. We are TRYING to do the right thing, but it seems through his comments HE'S in denial saying "we will prevail" and that we will be together. I mean..it's obvious to me he won't leave her no matter how much he loves me. She caught him at my house for Christ's sake, told him to get the hell out and he refused. He says he doesn't want the split to be HIS fault. He wants them to come to an agreement. SHe is codependent and I don't think he has the strength to do what it takes to be happy. IS this right?
  10. Heatrae
    Lanni, be prepared to go through it many many times. I got this book online called, "this affair is OVER" and it helps me a lot! I read it all the time. My man loves me, but doesn't have the strrength or the drive to leave her. I left my husband and it was hard, but I wasn't in love and I could no longer stay with him. I don't have kids and "B" does...they have two. He says he is staying for the two daughters, 8 and 4. But he is miserable all the time, still pursues me which translates into him NOT re-committing to his marriage which hurts me. I want to fel that all this pain I'm experiencing forcing myself to stay away is amounting to somethinglike at least he's trying with his wife. BUt it appears through our recent conversations he is not. He wants both and I am struggling to stay away! I have my pride. It was OK when we were both married, but now that I have 100% to offer him, I expect the same! You should too!! LEt's keep in touch.
  11. Heatrae
    Here I am for you, Friend! I hope to help at least a little bit. I think it's natural for you to feely very crappy right now and lonely. You spend so much time helping others , but then tehre are moments you are left with your own issues. You are doing VERY well ans I say going to bed and starting fresh tomorrow is a great idea! If indeed there were many awful things about him, then remember those things and rest tonight knowing you are moving in the right direction and that wonderful man will emerge and bring you from the darkness you seem to be lost in. You will PREVAIL!
  12. Heatrae
    I really should take my own advice here...lol. My solution to your problem is : INDIFFERENCE!!!! Do not call that man!!! Whatever you do...do not call. Let him think you've moved on and have no use for his dope ass! I mean really...men love to be in control, I believe, and for you to move on without rubbing it in his face and him finding out through other people you've moved on, will have a serious effect on him. Try it!
  13. Heatrae
    Hello. Boy, you men are interesting to say the least...fascinating!! AS a woman, I will tell you that if she is happy with her current beau, she will NOT suggest the two of you get together. She will be happy to move on and move past all the many breakups. But, if things aren't as great for her as you assume they are, she WILL ask to get together. I would take her up on it and see if you can start something again, slowly now realizing your mistakes in the past. Now...I pose this to you: is it really true that if a man chooses NOT to be with a certain woman although he loves her and maybe the timing is right, (i.e. he's already married) will he REALLY be that upset when he sees that she's not hanging on his every word and that she's potentially or definitely spending time with another man? PLEASE tell me what kind of an affect this REALLY has on a man. I am in quite a predicament with a married man who is in love with me...we are not seuxal now, trying to stay away and the heart keeps us near (that and we work together.) I want to be with him...I just won't be the "other" woman. THanks
  14. Heatrae
    Thanks for that. The problem here is that we both agree we are soulmates. (I hate that cheesy saying, but it is true.) We have done fairly well for these recent months, but I can tell something is brewing again over there. I want him so much, it would be so easy to slip back into being with him...it's what I want. But I know it's not right, nor honorable. Indeed I was not in love with my husband and that made me very sad. Last year "B's" wife saw a kiss we had after following him accross town to catch him. She attempted to kick him out and he wanted to work it out with her. He and I tried to stay away so he could do the right thing. IT didn't work. We were too much in love. Then they had a HUGE discussion in May about how unhappy she is in the marriage and why he can't do certain things for her, like act lovingly. He told her "it doen't come natural for me" but didn't leave the marriage. It's like their co-dependent on each other. Then in April he came to my house. She followed him and caught him there. That night she tried to throw him out and he refused saying he wasn't going anywhere and that he was their for their daughters not HER. She agreed to that and he told me the entire thing as though I was his best friend...not the woman he's in love with. I have been separated from my husband since January1 of this year and B and I have struggled ever since. He says my divorce has changed everything. He wants me, knows I'm the one, but his inaction tells me he has no intentions of leaving and obviously she is too weak herself to REALLY do anything. I drew the line after her coming to my house like that, but he still says things like, "we will prevail, Heather" "we will be together." He sounds like he's in denial...why doese he think that way. He says I don't know what the future holds and he seems so confident. I am really hurting here!!!!
  15. Heatrae
    Hello. I have been here before back in May when I was attempting to end an affair with my lover of 1.5 years. We were both married when it started and fell deeply in love, but when I left my husband, I refused to be the other woman to "B". We work together with changing jobs not an option. We have been very good about not being together, but July was a rough month for us, talking on the phone, being vunerable, telling each other we love one another. Exchanging lovey emails, him sending me video love songs. I have been dating new people and now crying about B and I rarely see him at work, but like I said, July was rough. I think things are bad again at his house with the wife and he's cycling hence the lening toward me. I al struggling to stay away and we are not having sex. We have had a couple 2 hour convos on the phone and hugged a little in in month, but nothing major. The thing is, he continually says, "I need to be with you Heather. I need you." See, I won't "be" with him. He's married and unhappy and I deserve more than what he can offer me. But we are very in love and I am struggling so much. I thought taht by now I would be in more control of my thoughts and emotions I was healing there for a while, albeit painful passing in the hall without saying anything to him, but as soon as we start talking again here and there I begin to have emotional expectations and I start obsessing. I am seeing a therapist, she thinks it's pretty cut and dried. I am just so sickened with myself about falling into this pattern again although we are NOT sleeping together. I know something is NOT going right again at his house or he wouldn't be coming on so strong after we've already established these new boundaries in May. We have been very good about not wanting to open up the wounds we worked so hard to heal. But I type this now as a diversion from calling him- yesterday he was very fiesty and now I won't see him for 2 weeks as he is going on a family vacation to Minnesota. Please help!!!!
  16. Heatrae
    Good luck! But you must know that antidepressants do NOT dope you up. They are not narcotics. Before rushing to judgement, explore the different ones on the internet so you and your wife can make an informed decision. That's why I said to have her committ to 6 months of meds, whetehr it be Zoloft, Prozac, Welbtrin, etc...At the very least, have her scheudle an appointment with her PCP to discuss the possibilty of depression and maybe take an assessment. The doctor can in more detail share info about the drugs, and if the two of you have already researched them, she will totally be able to follow the conversation. My bset friend would NEVER have gone on prozac because she was in DENIAL that she needed the help. She finally saw a Dr. and after two weeks of Prozac she called and thanked me and said the following, "now I know what it feels like to be you. To experience normal emotions. I feel better than I have in years."
  17. Heatrae
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You're not listening. Don't just settle in your marriage. you have to want to work for it. You can do it. Yes, you do have to forget about woman 2, but don't just be afraid of talking to your wife. you'd be amazed at what this conversation will bring out. If you're not a therapist by trade, then take the time to read. Read "6 secrets of a lasting relationship." that book will give you the tools to at least initiate an a convo with your wife. Put your energy there. You will be much happier. If after all the effort, say 6-9 months from now, then you can say you tried everything and have a clearer concsious about ending the marriage. But I promise you, the marriage will not FIX inself. YOU have to do it because you're the one unhappy. You owe it to yourself and your wife. You will grow to resent her for not changing. But if you don't talk about hte lost intimacy in your marriage, she never stands a chance. We women want to be all we can be to you. Please give her the chance. Good luck, Friend. I will hope for you!
  18. Heatrae
    What a tough place to be in, Friend. First let me say Prozac will work wonders for her psyche. Get her to commit to 6 months of mes and if she doens' t feel better about herself, then other means will be explored. But get her to at least commit to that. She will be amaze dwhat this little pill can do for her. It will help her to expereince normal emotions. She also needs to get off her butt and lose some weight if she doesn't like how she looks. Cheating may be a very scary thought I know. I have been th OTHER woman to a Catholic man for over a year now. He was able to fall in love with me due to a miserable 12 marriage to a woman who has not grown with him and he too is not in love with his wife. But like you, doens't believe in divorce. He is doomed. DOn't be doomed and don't wreck her by cheating since that's the only thing the Church wil condone a dicorve for. Exhaust everything. She has to be willing to go to therapy. She can't just sit there and think this will get better on it's own and YOU can't do it for her. She's in this life with you. You can do this...stay away from the resteraunt. talk to your wife...have her make short committments so she doesn't feel overwhlemed. You are NOT doomed. Give it a year in your head, with honest effort and then make your decision after seeing ho far you've come.
  19. Heatrae
    Thank you so much for what you've been telling me. I don't want to sound like an idiot who says, "Oh, he's so different from all the other men in these situations..." but he geniuniely is..very much like a woman when it comes to matters of the heart. It's hard to explain, but it is real. He has been 'good' about not calling me (trying to do the right thing), and I think of him often, but then yesterday we had to work together. Time spent together was great and I needed to get some things off my chest. I expressed to him I think he has no idea of how difficult this is for me. That he's NOT the only one hurting, going through withdrawals, etc...he said he absoultely knows- he can see it. He said there are times he purposely aviods me at work, it's the only way he can get through the day. He said when he's away from here he thinks of me constatnly, but is able to manage, but as soon as he is within ear or nose shot of me, he loses all reason. We aren't physical, but what he's saying is the pull to be with me is overwhleming and any progress he's made as it relates to moving on, is set back and the process starts all over again. Yesterday he talked about how when he knew he was falling in love he should have walked away, because now he KNOWS. He KNOWS what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like. He KNOWS how it could be...having been so used to this deadened existence he thought was normal of all marriages. He realuzes he has the power to make all the pain go away for everyone invloved and choose between being happy and healthy, and doing what he thinks is right. He stated nothing about a 'decision'. Deciding to take the high road, ater last night I sent him a text page telling him, "I heard you and the decision you've made, and I will respond accordingly. Wish you only the best, but you already knew that. See you around." I wanted to be the one, the strong one and THIS time I have to stick to it. He and I have been through this 5 times now with me pulling away- not allowing myself to be the other woman. He responded with, "thank you, it's what I need to do. it is for my family. I will see you and hope we can chat once in a while." So there you have it. I severed the tie again. IN the past, he has come back with a vengeance for fear of me really being GONE...I knew he would never tell me he doesn't love me anymore, because he does, but he has made his decision to stay there, whatever his reasons are, and I have to react to that. When he starts to feel shitty and alone...he only has himself to thank. He could have left, spent time alone and then started creating a new life for himself...but instead he will continue to be miserable and I will try to move on. What do you think??? (thank you!)
  20. Heatrae
    Let me just say you should read the book Myth of the Greener Grass. I THINK i'm a mature woman, but when it comes to relationships I tend to be a bit immature in wanting the ROMATIC-LOVE feeling all the time. That simply just isn't realistic. I was married and fell in love with a married man. We both are still very much in love and have to work together- he has two kids. (see my post "we just can't break it off entirely." Needless to say, my husband, just like your wife I bet, is a great person, but the spark the hot-ness of the realtionship is gone. I didn't want to work on it with my husband because of all the intense NEW feelings I was having with "B", si I ended my marriage to a really good guy, hoping it would prompt my OTHER man to do the same. You are smart to consider what that would do to wrecking both marriages. IT's also amazing what cheaters will do to justify their actions. If you cross that line now you will FOREVER cheat, my friend. And I know you don't wanna live like that. I cheated after 2 years of mariiage anthat's why it was so easy to cross the line when B came along. If you wnat to live hinestly but don't want you wife to know SPECIFICALY about this other woman, I would start reading. Read as much as you can about the subject. Also, "Kosher Adultry". This book talks about having an affari with your SPOUSE and how to see them in that light. It is helping me. I am also readin "the five love languages". I would like to be with my husband. It hurt him tremendously when I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore, but I didn't tell him about B. I now realize, thru reading, that a new kind of love evolves, as others will tell you on this board. But you are very newly married. You'd better nip this in the bud. Good luck...I will watch for more updates!
  21. Heatrae
    Thanks so much. I would agree that he and I are quite addicted to one another. I was reading on just that. We have not been sexually active since November, with one falling off the wagon in February. We struggle to stay away as I've indicated, but we are constantly sad, depressed, crying. We cannot simply leave our jobs- we work in law enforcement- not practical right now. B and his wife have grown so far apart. They don't even speak. He tries to put all his energgy into the house and his toys and daughters..there is nothing apparently between the two except for history. How can he be so in love and then when faced with OPPORTUNITY to leave via a discussion he doesn't. Then again when she catches him at my house she TELLS him to leave and he refuses and insists on living in the house to be with his daughters. HOw does he get thru his days consumed with me knowing I"m out here and ready to be with him. All he would have to do is leave. The big obstacle of getting a divorece is the fear of not finding another person. In me, he has the woman of his dreams and NOW I'm single. He still loves me deeply and truly ISN"T recommitting to his marriage or he would sty away (not talk to me, pay me compliments etc.) It's as thought he's tring to wait her out. Make it so miserable there for her that she can't take it anymore and leave, thus freeing him and it not being 'His Fault." But a woman that caught him with me twice...I don't think she has it in her. What do you think?
  22. Heatrae
    I struggle to NOT be the other wowman, but my married man is desperately in love with and I with him. He is married in a miserable marriage of 12 years, two kids 4 and 8. I am a believer in living as honestly as one can. I left my husband in January because I had fallen out of love with him and in love with "B". So, partly I was hoping my separation would send B down the same path even though we were not actively seeing each other. It's now May. He and his wife fight constantly, he won't stay away from me when we see each other at work. He's in love with me and NOT with his wife. He feels tremendous guilt. I ask you, men, is it ht eguilt that keeps you there at this point? I mean, B is miserable, his wife is miserable- she makes great money- joint custody woulnd't be an issue. AND B has the woman of his dreams single and ready to be with him. Whay won't he leave. Please help me to understand. He has told me she will have to be the one to do it, but when she caught him at my house in April, she tried to throw him out. He refused saying he's not going anywhere, he's there for his children- not for her. She said FINE! IN the past he as said it would be a big fight. Then he convinced himself it would be a dialogue about the demise of their marriage. He had both those kinds of opportunities and hasn't left. I have begun to lose respect for him, but we are just hanging in the air here. I need a man's perspective...please tell me what is happening with this man!
  23. Heatrae
    Hope I can get some help. Funny how we think we're the only one experiencing this kind of love or situation. I'm a 33 year old woman- married for 4 years. My husband is a good man, but we lost our 'spark' 1.5 years into our marriage. I know that's not normal. I have been in an affair (1 year) with a married man, "B", who's been married 12 years, two daughters, 4 and 8. His wife is very opposite of me. They are admittedly miserable together. He and I work together. She's extremely insecure, very quiet, doesn't participate in the marriage- they are both very miserable. "B" and I are madly in love. His wife followed him one day and caught a kiss of ours. She did not leave him and he wanted to keep the family together so I walked away, put eveything in a pretty little box until his hands are clean. This was Nov. 02. For a couple months we tried very hard to not communicate, but out misery got the best of us and we started talking again. I left my husband 1/03, which sent B into a frenzy. He came at me full force even tho I won't allow myself to be the other woman. But I am so in love...In March, wife talked with B telling him she's still miserable and wants him to be closer to her- stop doing so much around the house- tell her she's beautiful, etc...B told her it doesn't come natural for him and it's not going to happen, but refused to tell her he's not in love with her. I'm not thinking to tell her that he's in love with me, but at least give her some idea of not being in love with her. Needless to say, he had a chance to leave and didn't. Then beginning of April, he stopped by my house. apparently she had followed him and knocked on my door. I thought for sure catching him there would be the end of them. It was not. He told me she told him to get the f%#K out and he refused to leave saying he was there for their daughters, not her. He was there to be with the kids. She said that then she was there for the same reason. He and I struggle evey day to not talk about being in love, but we have to see each other at work. We never getting to go thru the withdrawals and are always exposed to each other. I am in so much pain. It would be so much easier if he would just tell me he doesn't love me, but htat will never happen. He has told me I am the woman he's supposed to be with- would be wonderful for his daughters, etc...why can't he leave if they're BOTH so miserable. He still comes into my office looking sick, depressed, but has managed to not call all the time, still sends the occasional email. We got it bad. I don't know what he's doing. I know what I need to do, but I can' tturn off my feelings. Please help me!
×
×
  • Create New...