bbanzai

Hey D&C, jujigatame, and cookies, Thanks for the excellent advice from all of you! I followed the D&C trail and found it to be quite enlightening. The 'other woman' actually suggested the idea of cutting off contact with me for a minimum of 3 months, so that I can make whatever decisions I make with a clear (relatively speaking) head. At first I didn't like the idea, but now I realize the wisdom of being able to focus on a decision of this magnitude without the extra stress. We both agreed that if its going to happen, we want to start from a clean, no-strings-attached starting point. I've been considering the question of "would I leave this marriage if it weren't for the other woman?". I think the answer is that this marriage should be over in any case, and the other woman was the catalyst that brought me to the realization. However, if this marriage ends up being over, and things don't work out with the other woman (no guarantees!), then one has to decide if it was worth it. I think this is a key question anyone in my situation (or similar et. al.) needs to answer!

I was in the process of rethinking my engagement to a woman because I wasn't sure if I really loved her. Then, she got pregnant. Getting married seemed the right thing to do at the time, and I figured that I would probably "grow into" the loving relationship. Fast-forward 12 years to present day. I feel that our marriage is dead. I still care for my wife as a person, but I don't love her anymore. And if she loves me at all, it doesn't really show. For example, she has never been a very passionate person - somewhat cold and distant (appears to run in her family). I am very passionate and believe that intimacy is a vital part of the marriage, whereas she has never enjoyed even kissing beyond a token peck on the lips. Recently, things have deteriorated further. We have had literally no physical contact since June '02, and even before that, all she wanted was quick missionary-style-only intercourse (no kissing, no foreplay, no oral sex, no just-laying-around-in-bed). There is another woman (former co-worker) that I have always liked quite a lot. We seemed to "click" from day 1 (a feeling I never really have had in my marriage) and became very fond of each other. She left my company 2 years ago but we have kept in touch. I recently saw her perform in a theatrical production, and went to a cast party with her afterwards. That day was an epiphany for me, as I realized that over the time that I've known her, how I felt about her had grown so strong. I realized that day that she was the one I truly loved. An amazing, all-consuming kind of love I've never known before. In the most intense, emotion-filled conversation I have ever had, she said she felt the same way about me. Neither of us want to have an affair. We want to give this situation the best hope of success possible. I am now looking at my current status with a renewed and recharged interest in resolving it, and am trying to determine what to do. I have two daughters, both of whom I love dearly. I want to minimize all issues that will come up with regard to them. I also have no interest in any material gain from this. My wife can have the house, money, everything. I feel that the time has come to end the charade of our long since extinct marriage while there is still time for some good to come out of it for all involved. I can't imagine staying in this stagnant arrangement any longer. Any ideas of how to approach this?

Hey RubyInnocence, you sure helped me out! thanks for the post!