Heatrae

THanks....so what I"m hearing you say is: he read it and knew he couldn't say what he WANTED to sya because I have drawn the line. So instead he said nothing at all? I can understand that. I was also curious if as a man, you thought the email I sent him might have been misconstrued? Honestly??? YOu wrote tht he may be confused about the STATE of THINGS. I guess I don't see what he would have to be confused about. COnfused about what to do NOW that I've formally said, leave her I can't be with you until you do?? He has never been confused about his feelings for me, nor lack of feelings for the wife. I wonder whatconfusion YOU are referring to in that sense. I know I am only confused about why ANYONE would stay in such a situation over there, when I am over here and ready. There is no confusion there.

"He really may have no idea how to respond to you right now as he is still sorting out his feelings." Now that I think about it- what do you mean here???? I thought he wa very clear on his feelings for me- always has been. IT hasn't been an issue of what he feels for me vs. what he feels for his wife. What do you mean??????? UGH!

Well, I hear what you're saying hwoever, I was sitting in the same position yesterday morning when I opend his email with the pictures of him and his brothers. I managed to find something to say. I dont' hate the man, I responded acknowledging the photos, even paying him a compliment (he was wearing red.) Anyway, if he's as bad as you say, then why would he be trying to move on. I mean, I had the thought he sent me the pix yesterday as an attempt to test the water, keep me close in SOME way in case he's not lying when he says, "I am doing something." I mean, I spent the better part of yesterday trying to figure out HIS intentions of sending me photos after our important discussion Saturday. So....is it a guy thing? Why wouldn't he have SOMETHING to say back to me- to wish me a good year. We are in love, that's obvious, this is very painful for us both. He didn't like what I had to say Saturday, and I believe the things he told me on the phone. Give me a little more than that Avman, I would think he WOULDN'T really wanna move that far on (away from me) if he's really doing something to change his situation. OR...is that EXACTLY what an honoroable man SHOULD do if he's going to make that kind of a change? Help a sister out here? (it's my last day, indeed)

It's the last day of the year and I am optimistic about my future and healing, however, I am going out with a hole in my heart. As predicted, B came INTO my office yesterday to "ask" if I had received the pix he sent me. I ha already responded to the email and I knew he had read it (thru Outlook) so it was an excuse for him to come in here and talk with me. He already knew I saw them- he read my response. Anyway, we talked briefly yesterday and he was quiet and coy- seemed to be on eggshells (I have seem him like this before when he's unsure of how to behave with me.) I think becasue he came in here I felt safe enough to send a quick 'new year' email. Here is what I wrote: "New Year ahead, won't go ignored... Best of luck to you with everything in 2004: work here at the PD; filling in the 'holes'; and your new business venture, which I'm sure you'll excel in. You don't need me around as much as you think you do- you already have it inside you to be a success! Have a good year, B." He did NOT reply to my email. I came in here today and found NOTHING. I was shocked. I can't understand why he didn't reply. He's knows better than to think I was being nasty- that is not my style. I used verbiage that he generally uses with 'the holes' and tried to build him up ONE LAST TIME telling him he is a success on his own. For these past two years he has attributed his happiness and succeses to me. That is why I put that in there. I said nothing about LOVE, nor anything mushy about us being together in the future. Can you shed any light onto why he didn't respond? Please...I am really perplexed. I am allowing myself to ask this today and that's it. Tomorrow starts my year of healing, so pelase humor me. Thanks so much!

Good Day. Trying to stay positive today. Came in to find an email left by B. He sent me pictures of him with his brothers, sister and mother from Christmas. For the longest time I had been interested in seeing what they all look like. He sent them last night to me on my work email with a little note saying, "thought you might like to see a few photos of me and my family." IT was really very simple. I was very surprised to say the least. I'm not going to read into it. Doesn't mean he wants to leave his miserable marriage.

You are very welcome! I am glad that this saga coiuld help another soul in pain. Seriously, I feel so pathetic most of the time. Glad you can get some strength from it. Did you read the thread from the beginning? It is quite a long drawn out thing, but I really think this is the end for me HOPING for anything to happen over on his end. I've had a year of little set backs as you will see from reading the entire thread. I'm done with them and I will do whatever it takes to stamp out those moments where I think I might give him the look he wants or the ear or time of day. I don't wanna be mean to him. Mean = not talking to him. Mean = not letting him think I will be an ear to listen to all his work-realted drama. Mean = a simple hi in the hallway if I see him there and happen to pass by. But I know myself. When I have allowed anything more than that, we have slipped into our 'natural' pattern of helping, loving, mushy, etc. I WILL NOT give him any indication that I am open to that until I get the call telling me he is doing something about his situation. Even then, I will be guarded. It will not be a quick thing and there could be going bakc and forth bull- s h i t between the two of them. If he were to catch me when I wasn't looking and try to engage me in convo about I'm doing, my answer will be, which it never has been in the past, "Great! things are good- moving right along, busy busy." I've always given him the, "as good as can be" crap. The mystical look in my eye trying to elicit the same response. Now I will not do that. It simply won't matter. He didn't have to look into my balling face in the mirrow with eyes swollen, trying to catch my breath, talking to myself out loud like a crazy woman. He never had to see that. I saw it. My f-in dogs saw it and it wasn't f-in pretty. NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!! Anything having to do with him in my life will be HAPPY and POSITIVE and that won't occur until he's free to be with me. I am finally ANGRY and that's what needed to happen. So... I hope you will continue to read and follow my lead. I have been down the crappiest of roads with the highest highs and this past being the lowest low. You simply have to hit your ROCK BOTTOM as I did. No one can tell you WHEN it's going to happen, but one day you will hit it and we will be here for you too!

Thank you so much for that. Today, I dont' feel so alone. I can't believe the bottom I hit over the holiday and that has really inspired me to DO IT this time. Over the past year as I forced myself away from him, I was doing it to affect him. I was doing it to make him feel life without me- it wasn't about me and my well being. It definitely is NOW. I was a complete basketcase last week/weekend and I have to take care of myself. I so appreciate you all listening and yelling at me over this past year. It was not FOR NOT! IT took me getting back with him this fall, even if for only a month, fo this xmas thing to occur and push me into having the coversation with him. It wasn't HARD, and he was actually somber and receptive, insightful even. In the past, when I have had the "i can't be your friend" conversation, i.e., February, March, April, he was obnoxious, short and overly dramatic with me. This time he wasn't. He was thoughtful and listened to what I had to say. He didn't lash out at me. He onl pleaded with me to not ignore him at work, reminding me he is there for me, wnats to talk to me. I still had to state that I have to do it my way, not in the way that works for him. naturally he wants me to stay talking to him , friendly "I miss you smile" to help him deal with his miserable life. But no more!!!!! I promise to you all, I will not. I am feeling stronger than ever! At this very moment I am typing very fast and feel stronger than I have ever! He will not even recognize me. I will have to look at him tho he is pathetic and didn't care about my happiness until I BROKE!!!!!!! Today he has passed by my open door twice, I could feel him looking in, but I didn't look his way. He was onl able to look at the side of my head. He seems quiet today. Too bad for him.

I spent three days last week balling my eyes out. Crying alone on my couch xmass eve and xmas night. He called me on Friday finally- golfing with his brothers. I told him how terrible my xmass had been after he asked. He told me how much he had missed me over the last days. He called me a second time that Friday night feeling very bad at how I had spent my xmass. On Saturday I decided I could no longer go on with him. This past xmas was my breaking point- my ROCK BOTTOM if you will. The pain was excruiating and I realized if I stay with him as long as he remains married, that is all I have to look forward to. Ic an't do that to myself. I won't. When he called Saturday night I began the dialogue. I told him how unbearable the holiday was. Here is how the conversation went: "B, this holiday was so bad, I can't go thru it again. I realize that if I stay with you under these conditions, that is all I have to look forward to." He said, "I know, I don't want that. I was miserable too." I said, "I love you and I want to be with you, but not under these conditions. I can't have anything to do with you until you have taken steps to get out on your own." He said, "I am. I just need more time. I can't do it as quickly as you have. I am doing something, believe me." " I will keep you advised." "I don't think you are. I can't put my happiness in your wife's hands hopin gone day she will come home and tell you she doesn't want to be with you anymore. I just can't do that." "That's not what i'm doing at all." "I think you ARE waiting for that perfect moment over breakfast where the two of you decide you no longer wwanna be married. That just isn't gonna happen." " I am not waiting for that. I want the same thing you want, I do. I just need more time to get it done so we can have what we want together." "You simply don't want to be the bad guy. It's not about hte bad guy, B, it's about living honestly. You have been the love of my lifetime, but I can't sit like this. Another week like I just had will break me." "You too are the love of my lifetime Heather. You are what keeps me sane. You are what keeps me going. I just need more time to get this done right. I want nothing more than to be with you. I just have a lot invested here and yes, part of it is pride, but I am doing something. I know you need to do what you need to do, I don't want you feeling like this. I totally understand, but you have to know that I want a life with you." He didn't go into anything about his kids and he didn't say a word about "I'm staying here, I'm sorry." He kept talking about hhe knows what he wants to do, but needs more time to do it. (That is confusing for me because I asked him a couple weeks ago when he says, "I'm not sure" what he means. Do you mean more time to see if you fall back in love with the wife, or more time to see if I become someone you don't love. He explained saying he knows he'll never fall back in love with his wife and he knows I'm everything he needs.) So, Saturday when he talks about needing time I don't understand about time for WHAT? Is he waiting for that special moment when Mars trines with Jupiter or something like that. He siad he is doing something and he will keep me advised and tell me when it is happening. I told him I can't be around him. I can't be friendly with him when I see him at work. I said, "I have to completely break ties with you. That's how I work. You have no idea how hard it is. I have tried dating other men it's impossible. I can't open up. You have no idea what it's like to be in love with one person, while trying to spend time with soemone else. Christ, tha't swhy I'm no longer married." "ARe you kidding me. How can you say that. Look what I'm going thru right now. I am miserable. I want to be with you. I just need time to do it. I know exactly what that's like!!!" "No, I think you have it made: you have the wife and kids over there and a beautiful woman over here who loves you. You have it all!" "You think I like this..." he says, "...this sucks. This is terrible. I FEEL trapped, I know I have to do something. I'm miserable and I'm scared to death. I don't have what I want. IT would be different if I was a different kind of man and you called and said, 'i want to stop seeing you. I want you to stop slinging it to me' I would just be like OK, whatever. But that is not our situation. We have real issues here and I need time, Heather." I said, "well, I will not be able to be friendly with you. Please understand. It's how I heal, I have no choice. " He said, "Ok. I just need time and i will tell you Heather, I promise." I said, "I want to be the third person to know (crying.)" He agreed. "I'm gonna go nmow. I love you, Heather." "I love you too, goodnight." That was it. I am fre now and I can't look back. I said everything I wanted to say right. Can ANYONE tell me what he needs time for? I'm not being facisious here. I am concerned. What does he mean by that. Time, time, please tell me. I will understand if someone can just tell me time to do what? He does have 17 years with her, 13 years married. 2 young daughters, a house, two car payments, etc. Please tell me how you think I did..

Wow, that was really something! But isn't there something to be said for the fact that he WANTS to leave, says he can't figure out how to do it? Or is that just me giving him too much credit? It's as though since we've gotten back together this fall, he's more intent on leaving her. It's the holidays and they're right in the middle of a $12,000.00 kitchen renovation that was contracted before he and I got back together. I was not involving myself with him at the time they started the kitchen. I don't see him doing anything until after the first of the year. It's like I've given myself or HIM until March to do something about this situation. One of my friends said I should tell him that I have a time frame in my head, that i can't go on like this forever. She seems to think that someone needs to light a fire under his butt. I am afraid of issuing an ultimatum as I promised when he and I started I would NEVER ask him to leave his wife. I don't know if that's exactly how I would put it. But couldn't I put it like "I can't go on like this forever and I want you to decide once and for all if you want a life with me. We either need to make some forward progress together toward being together or we need to stop loving one another." What do you think about this approach? I see myself waiting for him to bring up the topic again of wanting to leave and me being everything he could ever want and then spring that on him?????

I am the 'other woman' you speak of in your story. I was happy to come accross your post and you sound EXACTLY like my married lover. Your insight has helped me to understand some of what he is going through. I would beg you to read my thread (for a perspective from the 'other woman's side) and see if I can be of any help to you, and if you can offer me some additional insight into what I can do to help my own situation. My thread is called, "Affair dragging on...no sexual contact" under the cheating forum. I would really appreciate it and wish you the best. In closing I will tell you that life is too short to spend it with someone you're not in love with, nor that can give you what you need. You will always be a father to your children, but you are putting yourself LAST in your marriage. You deserve a fulfilling relationship with a woman.

I am learning that being involved with B again sexually and emotionally is inhibiting me from opening up to others. I guess I am learning the hard way. You all told me that would happen. The other side of that is he is once again back to, "you give me everything I need and could ever want. Youcould absolutely give me everything the wife gives me, but she could never bring to my life what you do. I need to do something. I can't eat I can't sleep." When I hear these things I feel wonderful. It's Christmas Eve and I am sick to my stomach. We are not exchanging gifts and he worked last night and didnt' call me. I don't know if he intends to call tonight or tomorrow sometime, but I am sick nonetheless. This is not how I imagined it would be. He is convinced he will never fall back in love with his wife, and he's convinced I am everthing he wants and needs. He is alarmed with me being out here single and free to be with him and he is very able to articulate his need to do something about his marriage and leave. Those comments give me hope. But the pain I am feeling today is my own fault. If I hadn't allowed us to get back together and being making love again, I would expect nothing today, tomorrow, etc. If he doesn't acknowledge Christmas at all, I don't know how I will react. He already knows how unhappy I am about us not exchanging gifts. He already expressed to me his concern about me being alone for the holiday and how he is wanting to be with me and will be thinking about me as he goes through his day. We all know that simply isn't enough. I have brought this pain on myself. Maybe it is what needed to happen in order for me to get mad, get disgusted and see for myself that I can't be with him while I wait for a great single man to come along. I am going on dates now with men and feeling bad about it. I am not opening up and I am not anxious to see nor hear from them. I came to work today after he had worked the swing shift last night and found no xmas card or anything. He didn't call last night while he was alone at work and I am beside myself. I can' t even function. I want to go home. The past 4 weeks he's been thinking out loud to me about how his life at home has not improved, nor has he any hopes of falling back in love with her. He said he needs to do something and find a way to deal with the red tape. What the hell am I supposed to do to deal with all of this? I had the conversation with him pointing out that he and I are in the same boat: IF he stays with his wife, he will be miserable for the duration of that time without the opportunity to experience a full loe, a full relationship. That pain will last for years and years as he reamains with her. Versus a fraction of the time it would take to make the move and deal with the instability stage of a divorce. That pain would be shorter lived WITH the opportunity for a full, loving relationship with me. I pointed out the same in my situation: if I stay with him I will never be happy, I will always be miserable for as long as I stay with him, eternally. BUT, if I walk away the pain will last a fraction of that time with the hopes and opportunity for a real love, a real relationship with another person. He totally saw the correlation. I am sick, I am sick. I am not getting better in this situation an I am making myself so sad. Do you have any new thoughts or ideas about this situation? Or am I simply a fool?

Well Juno, both B and I are very expressive. I have never felt as though his was more exacting with his words than I. I suppose I am splitting hairs as I say things like that; the bottom line is he's married. He told a cowroker of ours at a party we were at on Friday after this person told him, "You need to un-f*ck yourself and get to Heather. You two should be together. You two are amazing together and you need to make it happen." This person had been watching us interact over the past two years, and knows I'm single now. This coworker later told me that when he said this to B, B replied saying, "I'm totally in love with her. I just don't know how to do it (end my marriage.)" This coworker who has no confirmed knowledge of us EVER being together told me about this conversation as we were leaving the party. He said, "I talked to him, he's gonna do it." I said 'he's never going to leave her...' he said, "well, if you believe that, then kick him to the curb." All this means nothing in your eyes I'm certain and my insecurity is most frustrating and ugly to you, I'm sure. You nailed it, I am quite attractive (as is he) but I am VERY insecure when it comes to men. ALways have been. I have this ongoing hope that something miraculous will occur. I have this feeling that as I remain active with him, he will begin to let me down in little ways that didn't matter back when I too was married (as I was limited in time available as well.) I think a few let downs will take its toll on me and give me the ANGER I need to draw the line and truly stand behind it. I have always said, "if he would just tell me he no nlonger loves me and doesn't wanna be with me, I could walk away." It would be a blatent pride thing for me if that were to occur. That has NEVER happened and it never will. I never feel humiliated with him. If he didn't love me and I was chasing him around like a puppy dog I would. I don't chase him. 90% of the time, I sit back and he does all the work. I don't call, I don't initiate things, I was not the one to say "I love you" and I'm not the one oozing all over the other person. That is all his doing! It feels very EVEN KEEL. I am still feeling though, that this renewed togetherness we are sharing will ignite a fire under his butt and REMIND him how wonderful we are and realize that is IS the real deal (although he has stated MANY times that I am THE ONE. He says "she's all I've ever known. How do I know...I feel like I owe it to her. I was in love with her at one time the way I am with you now....how do I know?") HE's all over the place. I am the one who is all over the place. I can assure that consciously I am not putting my life on hold for him, I have no guarantees from him or about him so I am plugging along.

You nailed it on the head. Very strange to see you write my situation out like that. The last phrase you wrote REALLY made some sense to me. IT's like I'm giving in because there isn't anyone serious in my life right now, I AM in love with him, and it feels good to be active with him, expressing our feelings, etc. Do you think he KNOWS he's using me. I mean, you should hear him. He is amazing and sincere. There is this indescribable thing between us. I hate to overromaticize, but it DOES exist. I keep telling myself it feels OK to have him back in my life and that as soon as I meet a wonderful person I will tell him there is nothing between us- you can' toffer me any sense of stability or committment, so I HAVE To move on. That's just my plan. You should see him here at work....ALL SMILES in the hall. People asking me (they have no clue abotu us) "wow, "B" really is in a good mood. What's up with him?" I am so much happier too. I almost hate it though.

Looks like I just got a butt-whipping. I read every word, many times over. I don't like that I appear weak and jelly-like and that I am TYPICAL! This was a very sobering post to read I tell you. Like someone slapping me in the face. I needed it. I need to digest it all. I have never thought that others saw me in such a light. I don't know WHY I am willing to accept so little when i have so much to offer. Last week, he and I were alone and were intimate. I wasn't going to post that here out of embarrassment and after al the help you all have been trying to give me. I feel like a heroin addict that just fell off the wagon. On the phone last night, talk of how much he loves me. How he's missed me, etc. Felt good. Felt wonderful in fact. Then I come in to work this morning an find this post from Juno. A disgusting reminder of how pathetic I am and how I am settling for a man who knows just what to say. I have to step back today. THank you for your honest feedback. ANd I am so sorry for slipping and letting everyone down. I don't really like myself right now. but it's monday so...i guess it's OK.

Hi. Something just happened with B that I don't understand. He's been making comments when we're here at work that I won't let him be with me. that I won't let him come to my house, etc. Insinuating that I"m the one holding back the progress of a relationship (don't wanna be the other woman) Anyway, yesterdat after seeing him at work for a few seconds here, a few compliments form him about how I looked, I text paged him while he was in a meeting. I told him I would like him to come over tonight to visit. To tell me what was happenign with this onet hing that he was upset about and to catch up. He wouldn't be getting off work until about 12am or 1am. Anyway, I was surprised when he didn't call me thru out the night. I have been thinking he's just waiting for me to invite him over. He has made enough comments to that effect, so I wanted to throw it out there. I waited until 10pm and he never called. I called his cell phone and he was exited to hear from me. We talked about this thing in another city he was helping on. Finally I asked him if he got my page. He said he did and that he was shocked when he read it. He said, "I was like, "Jesus...I can't come over tonight, I have to work. Besides, I thought we didn't want to do that anymore." Just as I was going to respond, his phone beeped. He clicked over and never came back. I went to sleep. He called about 30 minutes later. During this call he was in his office. He was more relaxed. He was talking about how tired he was, how he wanted me to rub his back. I told him I wanted a hug. He kept talking in a baby voice about me needing to go to sleepy, etc. He complimented me again on how I looked today. It came up again about him coming over. He said, "I thought we didn't wanna be doing that anymore. We wouldn't keep our hands off each other. You know what would happen." I said, "well, I wasn't looking for a quickie on your way home, Jesus, B." He laughed and said he knew that. I told him I wanted to be around him, without eyes so we could relax and catch up. I could hear it in his voice he was contemplating a visit. He wasn't trying to get off the phone. He was relaxed, etc. Very flirtatious. He talked about how cozy it would be with me there. Then I said in a very calm tone, "B, it's ok, you don't wanna visit with me." He said after a second pause....."yes I do." then there was another pause....."yes I do." We continued talking for another 20 minutes about various things. Then it was time to hang up. We were very flirtatious and he was talking in a sweet, whispery voice. Then he told me he would talk to me tomorrow. There was no visit. I don't understand that. I put myself out there after all this time and he didn't want to come over. I mean, maybe he did, but still has this fear that his wife could still be following him or having someone follow him. I just don't know what to make of it. I mean, he's forward about things, missing me- the moments in his office last monday touching, hugging and a few light kisses. I just don't get it. What is this? What am I to make of this?

I really appreciate all the responses that continue to show up on this topic. I can always use the help. I guess I don't give myself enough credit at times. I just see myself as weak (even tho there's nothing sexual going on) and I'm never really happy. It's disgusting that my friend can tell simply by the way I speak that I've had interaction with "B". My entire world lights up and my affect is miraculously changed! Yesterday here at work, we spent time talking. We talked about work things and "us" things. HE made the comment again that, "you had to go and f everything up by getting divorced." I was telling him it was apparent to me that he didnt WANT me. He told me I was crazy. He then brought up how I forced his hand by getting my divorce, and essentially made him chose since I told him I would not be the other woman. I agreed saying I don't want to be that person, but that I never asked him to do anything. Obviously he's not stupid and realized my actions put him in a decision-making predicament. THrough his inaction over this past year he has shown he doesn't want to 'BE" with me in a life together. We had been hugging a little there at work and being romantic during our discussion. I said to him, "I wanna be with you." Then he says, "in what capacity." I think he wants me to say I will take you WITH your wife. It's like he WANTS me to say it. His phone rang and we never went down that road to clarify. Why won't he just say, "I want things to be the way they were, but I'm never leaving my wife." I mean, that is an honest statement, right? He called a little later and he began fantasizing about what it would be like to come home to me and all the things he would do for me. Very "homey" kinds of things. The way our life together would be. I am afraid of losing some of his respect if I start being with him again and work toward the way things were for us before. I am afraid that he will not be as "good" to me as he was then. He was VERY good to me. Very attentive, consistent and considerate. Since I have pulled away from him over this time, he hasn't been the same, but then again neither have I. I mean, he hasn't seen the REAL me in a year now. I have spent so much time altering my behavior and screening my emotions that I odn't know who I am when I'm dealing with him. I haven't been natural in a year. I don't feel as though I've made any progress and moments like those with him I find myself giving in and expressing my missing for him and taking in his professions of love and dreams and compliments. I just can't get the wall up. Why can't HE walk away! Why can't HE leave me alone? I'm not calling him. GOd this isn't good!

Today is the day that I promised myself I would truly walk away from my situation with B. One year ago today, his wife went to great lengths to follow us at lunch time and caught a kiss the two of us shared. I have spent the past year of my life fighting my natural instincts to be with him, forcing myself away from him so I can be noble and do the right thing. I have been miserable and sad. I had to draw the line somewhere, so today is the date I chose. As of late he and I have been far apart because of me traveling, then he went camping last week with his family. Since yesterday was my last day to hang on his every word, I sent a mushy text page. He didnt' respond to it. Went he arrived at work he immediately came to see me and asked if I had sent him something. We spent time talking about work-type things and all I wanted to do was throw my arms around him. Mind you, I spent the past 6 days traveling with a man I met, being intimate, etc....but yet I can return to my life here and still be consumed wtih B. I have to walk away TODAY! This is my life and I am breaking my own spirit everyday wanting for B. I don't ever want there to come a time when he's non-attentive to me, so I would rather walk away with my dignity in tact and try to never look back. I know you've all been here with me since last spring and I have not been the pillar of s trength; I thank you for your support. I don't believe this is truly over and as B puts it, "we will forever be connected HEather and I will always love you. Our feelings will last an eternity." Under other circumstances that would be music to my ears. I need to find strength from somewhere. TOday is my cutoff day. I cannot talk to ANY of my friends about him ANYMORE. he is dead. I have to do this to save myself and the relationships with my friends.

Crook, to answer your question as honestly as I can ( and that is what we're all doing here)..."what do you want?".... I want to be with him. I want all the connecttion, love, intimacy, sharing, companionship that we had BEFORE I decided to walk away because I was trying to do the right thing. Part of me did think that by leaving my husband, B would leave his wife because now this MAJOR obstacle had been removed. But that is NOT what happened. I also thought that when I tried to walk away exactly one year ago after wife saw the kiss, that his feelings for me would go away and we'd move right on. That definitely didn't happen!!! It is far worse. I know HE is the problem, ive done everything I can. But I am tired of fighting it (I think). I want him in my life.

Yes, he did react predictably and truth be told, I wanted him to hurt a little bit and knew that not telling him of my vacation WOULD hurt him because he's a man and his mind would conjure all kinds of sexual, romantic things about me and someone else. (what can I say...I am human.) At any rate, I wanted him to be affected this is true, but when I returned, I wasn't prepared for how STRONGLY a reaction I got. And when I felt the wrath of it, I felt bad. Not guilty about being with someone else, it's that feeling that he didn't love me anymore and was THAT mad at me, even tho he and I agree and know that I must move on and be with other people. HE has said that to me, "...what am I supposed to do Heather, I'm f-in married. I know you're gonna go out with people, there's nothing i can do about it. Jesus Christ!" I can hear the anger in his voice each time this comes up. BUt ANY information he has about the people I date NEVER comes from me. I have two friend here at work that are his frieds as well. HE asks them questions about me since I keep it all very private. It was comical when he blurted out, "YEAH I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN SEEING SOMEONE, HIS NAME IS DAVE, AND I DONT' CARE IF HES A F-IN DOCTOR. I KNOW HE HAS A HARLEY TOO AND YOU GUYS GO RIDING, I DON'T CARE WHAT HE HAS TO OFFER YOU. I have your heart and I always will. That's what matters." I said to him, "...It's not like Im gonna wait for you until your children are grown." He said, "yeah, you will (jokingly)" I think he has a dream that a miracle will happen and he will be out of his marriage because of someone elses doing, not his. ANd I don't think for a second that he WOULDNT be with me if he wa single. That is insane for him to even imply....

You bring me to tears, Crook. ALways the voice of reason and the common sense on my shoulder. You must think I"m the weakest, lamest person in the world! I am ashamed of myself sometimes.

B called me yesterday. He vented his total frustration and anger with me about not telling him about my trip. HE was disgusted with the fact that he knew NOTHING about what I was doing and several people in the company new. He felt ignorant. I explained to him that I didn't tell him of the trip out of respect to him- to not rub ANOTHER man in his face- that's not my style. He yelled saying anything would be better than NOT knowing where I was. I could have died, he could have been trying to get a hold of me, etc. After much talk about this, he riled about me dating the other man saying he KKNOWS what went on on the cruise and he can't do anything about it. Then he told me, "hurry up and get married so we can go back to the way it was before." That comment shook me to the bone. I said, "hurry up and get divorced so you can be happy." He shrugged off my comment a bit and said jokingly "not now that you've been out all over the world with some guy...nevermind." We talked about the sharing of information. The STRONG side of me says, "WALK AWAY. YOU ARE SINGLE AND DON'T WANT TO BE WITH A MAN, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE EACH OTHER THAT CAN'T GIVE YOU 100%" but then I also started thinking, "I am more miserable without sharing my life things with him. My entire affect changes and brightens when we're sharing that I don't want to fight it anymore. I will still date other people and I guess, this would mean that B is my fall-back guy until I find someone to really share myself with. At that time I would have nothing romantic to do with B since I would be seriously involved with the new person. I am seriously consiering this as an option. I am so tired of fighting this longing we have to be together. He said it there: he is willing to risk having an affair (the way it was) to make himself happy, but he's not willing to leave his wife. AM I MISSING SOMETHING!!!!

And so it goes...I decided to walk away from hanging on to the hopes of "B" even tho we spend so much time talking. I know talking with him about daily stuff and expressing emotions links u s together even tho we're not sexual and thus keeps me from moving on as he stays with wife. I had a 10 day cruise planned with a man I was seeing. The day before I left, B and I were text paging very lovey, mushy things to one another. I left the next day wtihout telling him. I returned and learned from his coworker that he was a complete jerk the week I was gone, was very nasty to others and didn't break a smile. When the coworker asked, "where'd Heather go on her trip?" B snapped back yelling how should he know, she doesn't tell me anything, I don't know anything about where she is. He was visibly upset and agitated. Yesterday I returned to work and he completely ignored me. I had to interact with him (mind you the last time we communiacted was very mushy over the pager) so I was acting friendly asking a work question. I could tell he was ignoring me, asked him if he wasn't feeling friendly or just not toward me. He never looked at me and said that he's friendly to everyone. Needless to say, I was feeling terrible even tho I was going to use the return from my cruise as my chance to break away from teh addicting behavior between us. I felt so bad that I was being ignored. Against my best judgement, I called him later- he was right in the middle of something, but said he'd call back. He didn't call back, so I called again before I fell asleep. He was busy on a call and said he'd have to call back. He didn't. I think he's punishing me without even conversating with me first. This is what he does. I feel terrible even tho 1) I didn't want to mention the cruise and going with another man and rub it in his face out of respect to him, and 2) he really doesn't have the right to know everything I do anymore. He didnt' choose me, he chose to be with his wife. Talked to a mutual friend of ours today- B calle dhim 6 times last night to BS with him about nothing. Asked the friend where I had been on my trip a tried to get info out of him. He still hasn't called me. I know I did the right thing by not telling him about my plans for the abovementioned reasons, but why do I feel so bad that he's treating me like this. I didnt' do anything WRONG! I understand he's mad I didn't share my plans with him, maybe he thinks I"ve moved on.....is that what this childish behaviour is all about. Please help!!!!!! I was gone for 10 days and I think he's going to do this for 10 days to me. What are your thoughts???

Crook, I know, I know. I just thought I was doing OK by dating others. I don't care if he knows. He is just feeling sorry for himself probably, and knows if he says certain things to me, I may say lovey things back to him, thus making his miserable life with the wife more bearable. Oh how I struggle so. Did you see where Dgirl commented on "his" side. But I suppose the bottom line is, HE WILL NEVER LEAVE! The wife gave him 2 separate chances to leave and he did NOTHING. He even acknowledges he didn't take those opportunities. I dont' FEEL like I'm waiting for him: I'm not sneaking around to see him. I don't call him, but when he comes on strong with professions of love, I give in and exchange them with him. I have to be the most stupid woman in the world. I wish I was stronger or that he would fall out of love with me. Or at least love me enough to tell me he doesn't love me.

ALso, it's not that I'm miserable when I'm around him. In fact, when he and I are paying attention to each o ther like this, I am beaming. My close friends know when it's happening and he and I aren't being physical. I am dating two men right now outside of my situation with B. He knows I am dating someone (it's not at the committment stage) and it really bothers him. It seems, B is a drug and I am so HIGH when we are near and expressing our love and feelings. We are like oxygen to one another. It's NOT having that that makes me miserable because I know he loves me so much. I just don't know how to not get so happy or allow myself to faulter this way.

No, my feelings are not hurt. I am here for hardcore feedback! I see youro point. And I must say that as of late he has been coming back around. Telling me how much he loves me. Sending me MORE love song videos, teling me I was sent from God to be his angel, etc. I have slipped a little myself expressing some of my feelings as well, but I keep in mind that I haven't crossed the LINE at this point. He wants to make time to be tgether. He states that he's REALLY hurting right now. He called and akse me to run away with him...where no one knows us, etc. Naturally, this will never happen. He's cycling again. The wife and he must not be getting along very well again. What's my best course of action. Not answer the phone, keep my office door closed, not email him. If he doesn't feel the pain of NOT having me in his life, why would he ever change his miserable situation, right? I am cycling myself because we've been swapping love comments and wants. But I refuse to be ALONE with him where something could happen. In talking the other day, he stated how we will be together. He seems to fully think we WILL be together. Like he's holding on to some false hope that teh wife will get the courage to leave. I dont' understand.