lonestar_80

It sounds like you are making up excuses for him. If you want to be put in danger then go ahead and date him, but don't come crying when something bad happens. Dating the wrong guy is not worth it. I had a friend who dated a guy for 6 years, they had a baby together and everything. He was a nice guy on the outside, but he was in a gang. One day he went over to her mother's house to see the baby. Anyway, this guy ended up killing his girlfriend's mother. This guy was a thug. Thugs don't care about anyone. It does not matter how "nice" this guy is now but the longer he hangs out with gang bangers the colder his heart will become. Don't go after a bad boy. He is not worth it. If he is dumb enough to get in a gang, he can't be very smart.

Girl, have you watched Boyz in the Hood? The innocent bystanders are always the ones that get hurt (that means you). Don't get caught up in his drama. Hang out with someone else.

I dated a guy for four years and he told me that no one would ever want me because I am too shy. When that relationship ended I had low self esteem and felt awful about myself. But with the help of God I was able to get through this. My friends and family were really helpful, but there is only so much they wanted to here about my ex. My dad told me the only way I would get over my ex was to stop talking to him and stop talking about him. So I did! I decided that I needed to improve myself the best I can. Well, my ex was wrong; I decided to ignore his opinion of me. I reconnected with old friends, went to school to get my MA, got more involved in my church, and built a stronger relationship with Christ. I never thought I could make it without him, but three years later I feel at peace. I no longer want to be with him and even when him comes sniffing around trying to get back with me, I am just friendly but I decline any offers of reconciliation with him. Improving yourself can be a long process but it feels really good to accomplish something on your own.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then its a duck. I would not try to get to involved in this guy's gang/thug life.

Hi, thanks for posting. I am still trying to figure things out with this guy. My guy did not say that he was not looking for a commitment or a long term relationship. He said that he did not want one with his ex. He wants to get married and have kids etc. However, I don't know if he is for real or is just playing games. I have met a lot of guys that love to play games just to get a woman into bed. So, I think you are doing the right thing by not sleeping with this guy. I got played a few months ago with a guy that was just a sweet talker. So, I really do not trust anything that comes out of men's mouths these days. It sounds like your guy is open an honest with what he wants. I do not think he is playing games with you. It sounds like all he is looking for is a fling or a relationship that will never lead to marriage. He said he does not want to get married. That is a real risky move for him to make. Most men know that most women want marriage, so the try to play into that fantasy without really wanting that goal for themselves. My mom said that when a man tells you or shows you who he really is believe him. This guy has told you that he is not interested in a committed relationship. So, in my opinion I do not think that it would be wise to date a man that admittedly said that he does not want to get married. I would not try to play games and see if I could get him to change his mind. But do what is best for you. I wish you the best!

It sounds like your BF is insecure with himself. He tries to knock you down to bring himself up. He thinks that if he keeps you having low self esteem he will be able to keep you, without having to change his crappy behavior. Guys like this are the worst. He wants you to feel bad about yourself and keep you from thinking that you can do better (which you can). He knows that your optimism and positive outlook on life is a very attractive quality that many good men are looking for. You are the type of person that can enjoy life and turn lemons into lemonade. He does not want to lose you to anyone else, so he strives to make you feel bad about yourself. He may insult your looks or intelligence etc., but just know that there are a variety of men out there that find all types of women attractive. In addition, you can always become proactive in doing anything you want including going back to school. Anytime a person has to knock someone down just to feel good about themselves, this shows that they are insecure. Yes, no reaction is best. I have meet people just like this. The best thing you can do is keep your cool. Do not fight with him. Smile and keep your head up and tell him that you will not let his actions bother you. Once he realizes that he can't push your buttons anymore he has no choice but to stop or keep looking like an * * * * * hole. If his goal is to put you down to lift himself up, then you will begin to realize this. The only way a fire can burn is if you put fuel onto the fire. If you give him nothing to work with, he can't do anything. Also, if he tries to push your buttons after you give him no reaction, then he really is just trying to control you. Just realize that you are good enough and you don't need him or any abusive man to validate yourself. God loves you just the way you are! God is the only one you have to answer to. Once you start to work on doing things to improve yourself you will see that you are good enough. He has isolated and controlled you to become a needy person that has to depend on him alone. He puts you down so you won’t become self-sufficient. You want to stay with a man because you love him, not because you have no other choice. It sounds like this guy is playing mind games with you to keep you in check. That is not healthy it is abuse and not love. Your boyfriend characterizes everything that love is not. If you have a Bible read 1 Corinthians 13, this shows exactly how love should be.

I do not have children. My only concern would be that if I had a kid I would be exposing them to various people that may harm them. Most children are abused by step parents and their parents live-in boyfriends. They will never have a strong feeling of what a step father should be. They will not obtain a solid vision of commitment and stability. They only thing they will see is it ok for mommy to have men coming in and out of our home because she is trying to test things out. This may give them the idea that it is ok to do this. Also, if you guys break up before marriage you are also breaking his heart b/c he may get too attached to someone that is not going to be around for the long haul. Plus, it does not set a good example for the child.

Girl! You are young and you can bounce back with a great career and find a better man! Don't let this guy waste any more of your time. Like I said before, I met a guy that dated a girl for 13 years and then dropped her like it was nothing. She was in her 30's, which is a time that is hard to have children in the late 30's. Good Luck, leave him alone and get your money back!!!

Like what?

Please! That trick is crazy! That is all she is. She tricks men for money, sex etc. Just be happy that she is out of your life! Go get tested for STD's and get a blood test when the kid is born. Don't let me catch you the Maury show..."Who's my baby daddy?" She is crazy!! Just crazy!! I have never heard of so much crap lies in my life. She is a nut case and she needs to be let go.

What is wrong with romance these days? Give her candy.

I agree. I think it is an ego/pride thing. You can't stand the fact that this man rejected you (which hurts your ego/pride). It sounds like you never really liked him that much. You could be a person that is in it just for the chase.

Satinblack, You are so right, listen to your friends! They want what is best for you. I have been in your shoes before and it sucks! You should not have to act like you hate someone to get them to love you in return. I just got sick of it. If I care about someone I want to show them that I care about them through my positive actions not my negative actions. This girl has issues and maybe she has never seen a healthily relationship before. She probably has only been a witness to dysfunctional relationships, so that is the only way she knows how to behave in a relationship. Don't try to be her shrink let her solve her issues on her own.

Does she have a family member you can talk to? Why did she break up with you? If you do LC (little conact) she may call you back. Call someone in her family and ask them if they can talk to her about setting up a time to see your kids. If you give her some space she will call you when she is ready. Just keep your contact about the kids only and do not force her to talk about your relationship.

HELLO! I feel exactly the same way you do!

"warfare" is a Biblical concept. When you are doing something that is wrong you are inviting spiritual warfare into your life. Spiritual warfare is basically evil schemes and plots by the enemy to bring destruction to your life. Read (Ephesians 6:10-19).This increases opportunities for things to go wrong in your life. We have to do the best we can to hinder spiritual warfare. That is the reason the Bible calls us to put up our armor of God to help us stay away from actions that may harm us in the long run. By living together, you may possibly be making a situation worse rather than better. So, my point is by living together without marriage you may be eroding a good relationship into a bad relationship. If you had not lived together that may not have happened. I guess that could be true for some people. But from my experiences people always have a way of showing you who they really are, even if you don't live with them. You can still find out that someone is a crumby person without having to live with them. Red flags always appear. No matter how they try to hide the truth, something always gives you an indicator of that person’s true character. I disagree. You can tell if someone is slob overtime just by popping in. I really do not see what you can discover by living with someone that you can't discover when you’re not living together. My concern is about the health of the marriage not the wedding. You can date someone for one to two years without living with them.

I by passed that part...drop that loser. He is not worth your time, and he has been leading you on for ten long years. If he said that to me... I would tell him to take a hike! He has no respect for you. If he was in the wrong he should at least be man enough to apologize.

How old are you? Why have you guys not gotten married? I posted a topic about a situation like yours yesterday. I went out on a date with a guy that got out of a 13 year relationship and never married her. Why have you stayed with this man for so long? I really do not know what to say about your relationship. It sounds like you have lost yourself in this relationship which is not healthily at all. I think you should first focus on trying to see what you can do to get some friends back or making new friends. I know that it can be hard to make new friends these days. My concern is that he has been with you this long and has not married you. What is he waiting for? Only you can decide what you want to do with this relationship, but I have read in various articles that a man is less likely to marry you after 4-5 years in the relationship. If you want to get married and he does not then you should get out of the relationship. I know that in some states the two of you have a common law marriage, so you might want to look into what your rights are. If you keep your money in his name then, I think that the money belongs to him. I am not sure (don't quote me on that). But it sounds like you may be in a sticky situation. Do you have access to your money if you wanted to get it back? I think that people should try to work out their differences, but if you think that this man is using you or taking advantage of you, then you need to explore your options. Maybe you should go back to school. There are always opportunities to receive financial aide to pay for college. Just make sure that you make good grades so you can get a good job once you graduate. Most employers do not care where you go to school as long as you have a HIGH GPA. Unless you want to be a stock broker or something (then you would need to go an Ivy League school). Anyway, maybe your relationship is worth saving but you still need to be independent of him. My father always told me that a woman needs to be able to take care of herself because she never knows what will happen, divorce, death, etc. I would not want you to throw away a 10 yr. relationship on a whim. But if he does not want what you want (marriage kids, etc.) and if he has not made up his mind by now (after 10 years) he may never make up his mind. It sounds like he is well established and at least over the age 25, so he should seriously consider marriage. Good Luck.

I would call it a loss. I still stand behind my feelings about an ultimatum for sex...DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN. Anyway it sounds like this relationship was doomed from the beginning. I think you should just move on. I know how it feels to have such strong feelings for someone that seems to be unstable. It sounds like this girl has problems with commitment and she only finds sex outside of relationships exciting. This should be a HUGE RED FLAG :splat: for you. People like this only find excitement in the thrill of cheating. When they finally dump their SO for the other person they will eventually fall back into the same pattern of having sex with someone they are not in a relationship with. Do not take offense to her behavior there really is something wrong with her. She has issues that she has to work out. Does she come from a dysfunctional family? Bottom line this girl is not worth your time. She can not be faithful to you or anyone. She is only in it for the chase, the thrill, and the seduction. She knows nothing about love. It gets "weird" to her b/c once the chase is gone she has nothing to look forward to. She is just playing sex games with you and any man she can find. This chick has issues and you should not want to be with her. Don’t take her back and lose her number. When she notices that you are no where to be found, she will call you up, just to see if she can seduce you again. Then once she has used you up things will get weird again (don’t fall for her game). She is nothing but a parasite that is willing to eat the life out of you if you let her. She is a cheater bottom line and she lacks a sex drive for you b/c she is "sexing" someone else. Learn from your mistakes and just move on. This girl is not worth your time, it does not matter how good the sex is.

NO. I don't think you should live together. I know so many people that live together while engaged and never get married. In most cases unless they have a wedding date set it just slows up the process to marriage. When you live together that person gets a chance to see all of your idiosyncrasies. This may scare this person and cause them to push the engagement back or call it off! I have seen this in so many cases. A girl moves in with her fiancé then a year to three years later they still are not married or the wedding gets called off. You don't want to be forever a fiancé and never a bride. Just remember that engagements can be called off! If you start acting too much like a wife before you are a wife, that may run him away. For example, bugging him about picking up his clothes or taking out the trash ect. I had two girl friends that got engaged and moved to ANOTHER country for their fiancés and they never married. I also have a friend that has been engaged for about two years now (living together) and she does not even want to marry him anymore (she is cheating on him with a loser). An engagement ring does not mean JACK! Don't win the battle...when you're trying to win the war! I personally will not live with a man. I am not looking into playing house but I want a husband, and an engagement ring does not guarantee marriage. Hello, look at what happened to JLO!! Don't be one of those girls that have been "engaged for like three years and no wedding date in site" Men have a tendency to milk a woman for everything they are worth. Do what you want to do, but if you don't even have a wedding date set...I would say no.

Did the sex slow down, or she was never really interested in sex during the entire relationship? If it slowed down, she was just seeing this guy behind your back. Like the Bible says "you can't be a servant to two masters...you will love one and hate the other." It sounds like she got a new master. I am sorry for your loss. The next time do not demand something like that from a woman. It sounds kind of caveman like...woman give sex now! I for one would be kind of pissed off if a man said that to me. How long have you been dating? I know that a healthy relationship should not be based on sex alone. I want to be respected for more than just my body. If a man just wants you for sex then he really does not love you. It is not like you guys were married. So, she does not have to do anything with you that she does not want to do. Your statement basically said to her..."that is all your worth is sex and without sex you're not worth my time." Relationships go through dry spells and if you can't endure them, then you're not in love. An unconditional love is patient and can endure all things. If your wife were sick and had cancer and could not have sex, Would you just kick her to the curb? If you really loved her you would not. That is why as I grow older I see why marriage is so important. When you are not married you don't have the right to demand such a thing and even if you were married you would not use that method to express yourself. I am sorry for your pain. Just keep up NC and try to move on. But don't be hard on yourself. It sounds like this girl was seeing someone behind your back anyway which explains the low libido. The same thing happened to me too. When your ex is seeing someone else they can't keep up two relationships very well, they give all their attention to one person and they neglect the other person. Sorry but you can make it through this.

Well, I really do not know if he gave her false hope. But by talking to him he sounds like he wants to be married and have kids one day. But I have heard that line before. So, maybe he led her to believe that they would get married one day (I don't really know). I guess I have lost trust in men due to a few bad relationships. So, I question everything that comes out of a man's mouth. I have read in an article that if a man does not marry your after dating him for four years he is least likely to marry you. Many people have also said that if he does not propose after a one year to two years, you might as well leave him. I just can't help to feel sorry for this girl; I don't want to be in her shoes 13 years from now. When he told me that story I gasped, and told him that I would have broken up with him much sooner!

Hello, I have dated some guys that seemed to be the real deal but then they turned out to be something else. I just meet a new guy that was introduced to me by an acquaintance. This man seems to be really nice but when we talked about our past relationships he told me something that shocked me. He told me that he dated his last girlfriend for over 13 years and they never got married. This statement rubbed me the wrong way. How can a person date someone for so long and never marry them? Do you think that this man has commitment issues? I could not help but to feel sorry for this poor woman(13 years). How could she stay with someone for so long? He said that she wanted to get married but he did not want to. After 13 years the spark went away and he views her more like a sister rather than a lover/wife. Why would he waste her time? Anyway my question is: should women be wary of men that date women for a long time but never marry them? He asked me out on another date, but I don't know if I want to go out with this guy again because I think he may have commitment issues.

Just stop talking to him. If he can't make up his mind there really is not much you can do to change his mind. That is just the way people are. He has to process his feelings for you on his own. I think you should just go into NC (no contact). He is already seeing someone else, which means that he probably started seeing her before he broke up with you. That is a coward's way out. He has issues with being faithful and maybe he is too young for you. When things are not working out with the other women he will come back to you. That's what it sounds like he is doing right now. He can't make up his mind. I have been in your shoes and the best thing to do is to stop calling him. He will come back when he is ready. But do you really want him back? Do you want to be 2nd best to someone he barley knows? No. When he comes back you have to make up your mind if you want him back. You do not want to be involved in the painful cycle of breaking up and making up all the time. How do you know that he will not do this every time someone else catches his eyes? When you let him know that you will put up with this type of behavior he will always treat you like a doormat.

I think you should confront her about her behavior. Talk to her and tell her that you have noticed a change in her. If she tries to lie... tell her that you read her myspace profile. If she is cheating on you then you need to know this. How in the world could she be having sex with a 500 pound guy? I think you should talk to her. She is putting you and your baby in danger if she is having sex with these men. Maybe she feels bad about herself because she is pregnant and her self esteem is not high right now. It does not sound like she is ready to be married to you. You may want to consider going to a counselor. This does not sound good at all, and if it gets worse you need to break up with her right away. She is putting you in danger by talking to strangers over the internet. Who knows who they are or what they will do to her. People on the net stalk people all the time. Good luck I hope that every thing will work out.