Confusedgayguy

Sorry I am taking so long to respond to this. I'll try to answer all these questions in order: What are you afraid of? I have no idea. I don't know why I can't let relationships run their natural course. I am this way about everything, I obsess about minor problems or things that aren't even problems and make them into problems. It's like an itch that I can't help but scratch even though I know it will just make it worse Does the fact that your name is 'Confusedgayguy' perhaps have something to do with this problem? Why did you choose that name? Yes, I have never been good with relationships. I don't understand how to make them work. I see a lot of other couples where one person is cheating or something major where they seem to make it work. Yet I can't make a relationship last longer than 3 or 4 months, it's very depressing. I have never ever cheated on anyone. What did you do to mess it up?/Yes, how are we supposed to give you an answer as to what is going wrong if you don't give us details? What did you do? Basically I created a situation that led to a breakup. My ex was starting to annoy me. He had just got into law school and became a little bit cocky and would say things that kind of put me down jokingly. Rather than just telling him to be a little bit less cocky I held in my emotions and one day told him I was depressed with the relationship altogether. Rather than trying to work things out, so he dumped me. After I was a little persistent and asked him if it was what he wanted he said he wasn't sure and wanted to get back together. But I noticed that he was spending more time on online sites talking to other people. So this is what I did to truly sabotage the relationship. I made a fake screen name and contacted him on one of those sites to see if he would cheat on me. He told the fake screen name that he was interested in hooking up, though never followed through on it. I confronted him about it and was enraged and yelled at him, which ultimately caused him to dump me less than 2 weeks after we got back together. I feel like I entrapped him and was just out looking for a problem rather than letting things run their course. Now I regret that we broke up and that I said mean things to him. Thanks for all your help everyone.

I have noticed that I always do this. I will be dating someone casually, not too much spark and then always around 3 months or so things will start to get serious and everything will be perfect (like exactly what I want out of a relationship) and then I will get very depressed and do things to sabotage it. It's like I know things will finally be good so I do something to make them bad. I have no idea why I do this and I am starting to wonder if I have some kind of mental problem. Like in my last relationship we were seeing eachother casually because I am in school and then as soon as school let out for the summer everything would have been perfect. But I messed it up 2 weeks after school ended. So now I have been completely alone for the summer when I could have been with someone. Anyone know why I do this to myself?

I am kinda less concerned about him hurting himself, I know that sounds bad. But we all know he just said that in the heat of passion. But I am more concerned that she has feelings for him after he screwed up the relationship by calling her such horrible names.

Help I need to give my friend advice; I normally am good at this but this is an especially hard situation because she's going through the reverse of something I just went through and it's hard for me to switch perspectives. She was dating this guy for 5 or 6 months and she cheated on him and he found out about it. She lied but eventually fessed up. After she did he was so nasty to her. Called her profanities, B****, S***, he told her he wished she was dead and hoped she would catch a disease. He even insulted her family members. Needless to say they are broken up now but he's trying to get back together. I think she still loves him and I don't know what to tell her. He is not violent but he said something to her that makes her think he may harm himself after she broke it off unless she gets back with him.

Yes, I had two breakups with my ex, within 2 weeks of eachother. I was dumped both times. The first because I told him I was depressed about the relationship (in retrospect I wasn't all that depressed but kind of wanted attention). The second time because I created a fake profile online to see if he was cheating, to which he responded to it and acted in a manner like he was cheating, I then exploded on him and insulted him profusely. I am very regretful that I stooped to name calling, etc. So he dumped me. He forgave me but said the relationship was irrevocably damaged.

How do I learn this trait? Honestly, I think there is truth to this and wish I could be more like that.

Thanks for that. I really have thought the same thing. I wish I had just used my knowledge to leverage the situation better rather than confronting him about it. He doesn't know it was me. I told him the person emailed me it, which was a mistake because it encouraged him to lie even more (he chided me over and over for believing someone online over him). I just feel like I subconsciously sabotaged this. As for the mailing him. I think it's too late to do that We basically both threatened to call the cops if one of us contacts the other after our nasty argument following this incident. Basically neither of us has talked to one another in a month.

Thanks for the reply. I've definitely learned a lot about myself from this, I just wish it wasn't at the expense of losing him. Maybe it all is a control issue, but I seem to be so fixated on him in particular. It's like all the things that are good about him are magnified now in my mind and I can't find anyone who even comes close to him. He has some qualities that are very unique and hard to find and I really miss him and don't know how to get over it.

he also said that in hindsight he was mistaken about being serious and falling in love with me. He said we had no sexual chemistry and it was a mistake to say he was serious about me. But I think he's just saying all this to get back at me for yelling at him. He basically told me to move on like 2 days after we broke up. I don't understand how he went from hot to cold so quickly. And how I went from not caring to caring so quickly after it was over.

I was seeing my ex for 4 months. Things were not very serious but started to get serious. One major issue was that we never really had sex. I like to take things very slow and he was comfortable with that. Though there was also no huge spark. I wouldn't really get extremely excited to see him, but I was always happy to see him and he was probably the most handsome guy I've ever dated. Towards the end of our relationship he started to get kind of cocky and it was bothering me. But rather than bring this issue up directly I masked it in bringing up our lack of a sex life (stupid of me). Then I brought up the underlying issues but he focused on the sex part, and given some of our past issues he said a relationship wasn't likely. Two days after he dumped me I asked him if he really wanted to break up and he said he wasn't sure, we should talk in a week. I was very frustrated and upset that he left me on hold for a week but I complied with this. Then 3 days later I broke down and contacted him and he said he wanted to get back together. I felt like he was distancing himself to play mindgames and was upset. So the tables turned and I acted cold to him. I wouldn't really contact him that much and stuff. One day he called me and said I would only contact him to cancel on him and he was very mad (this was like 3 or 4 days later). I told him I was just busy but that because he dumped me so early on I couldn't foresee a serious relationship with him (stupid of me again). He then said he was serious about me and he thought he was falling in love with me. But that I should contact him when I want to contact him. I said that's silly lets just hang out the next day. We hang out the next day, have sex, but don't go all the way cuz we didn't have condoms (but there was clearly chemistry). Then the next day I ask if he wanted to hang out that night. He said he was not feeling well and wanted to stay in but we should hang out tomorrow. So we hang out tomorrow and I see a stamp on his hand. I don't say anything but it looked like a stamp of a local bar. He admits he went out yesterday night and I don't really make an issue. Later that night I make a fake online screen name and contact him on a website seeing if he wanted to hookup. He tries to hookup with the fake person so I call him and say I think he's chearing on me. I know it was deceptive to do that but I suspected he was cheating and didn't want to get a disease. Basically he lies about the conversation. I know it took place cuz I was the mystery person he was talking to but he keeps lying. He breaks up with me because he says I would trust some person online over him. I blow up at him, call him a liar and some other expletives and basically I burned the bridge completely at this point. This all happened like a month ago. Because I blew up so bad he wants nothing to do with me at all. Now I totally regret this because we had such a good relationship. I feel like I did all I could to sabotage a great relationship and now I am so depressed. In hindsight I care more about the relationship than I did when it was going on and wish I could undo the things I've done. I don't know why I sabotage things like this. Does anyone know why I care more now that it's over? I wish I didn't say so many mean things to him. It's going to be so hard because he's coming to my school and I'm going to see him all the time.

I know I know, I would probably tell you that if you had these kinds of problems in the first 4 months that the relationship's not worth it. I just feel like I caused some of these problems partly because I didn't feel serious about him when we were dating and now that I have been without contact with him for a month I realize I was more serious about him than I thought I was. I am just trying to figure out if like you said it was just enjoying being with someone or if it was truly him that I miss... Right now I feel like it was him that I miss but maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me.

No, it's not. Admittedly I think part of his attraction to me at first was that he thought I was smart. Both of his parents are college professors and I think he has an insecurity complex about his intelligence so he likes to date smart people (his ex is a harvard law grad). I just don't know why I can recognize all this and yet I am still really sad and miss him. I know if he called me today wanting to get back together I would say yes even though I realize all of these bad aspects. This is why I am so confused.

ok ok I know how this looks. We couldn't have connected *that* well if we broke up after only 4 months, but I do feel guilty like I caused the breakups because I was the one who caused the initial conflict by saying I was depressed about some things. I just have this horrid feeling of guilt, not because I did anything to him really but because I sabotaged something that made me happy. It's like, once everything was good and things were fine both in the relationship and in other aspects of my life, I had to do something to blow this. Oh I forgot to mention. When we were dating he was applying to the school I go to and was waitlisted. I think part of his attraction to me was that he thought I was smart cuz I go there. I helped him write some letters to the Dean and even let him mention my name as someone he knew who was on some groups he wanted to join at the school. Then as soon as he got in he started to treat me differently, not badly per se but like he lost respect for me because he got into the same law school as me. So basically the other hard aspect of this is that in a month he will be attending the same school as me As if the gay community wasn't small enough, he will be in the same gay community within my law school (which consists of about 30-40 people tops).

Yeah it makes sense. This is going to sound stupid but I honestly don't think I am going to find someone that is as good a fit for me though. I just feel like we connected so well. I am in law school, he is going to be in law school next year, we live closeby too, etc. etc.. The gay community is so small to begin with and most of the guys are not relationship oriented. It is just so hard. It's just so hard because after the first breakup he said he thought he was falling in love with me. Then when I was acting standoffish to him, I told him I'm not sure I can be serious about him because he was willing to dump me so early on... to which he said he was serious about me. Then we breakup again 2 weeks later and he basically doesn't want to talk to me ever again. I felt like I was built up so much and then let down. Do you think he is just not relationship material? He is 28, will be 29 in a few weeks and his longest relationship so far has been 8 months. I can't say I am doing that much better, but I am 23 and I've at least had a relationship that lasted a year.

I don't feel deep down like he's the love of my life. But I do feel like he's someone that a) I am very attracted to physically b) very attracted to emotionally (or at least I think so now) c) very attracted to intellectually. And I could see myself having a LTR with him if this didn't happen. Well I thought by being cold and standoffish after the first breakup that I was in effect making him work to be with me the 2nd time. But he took that as me not trying to make an honest effort in the relationship and that was part of the reason he broke up the second time. The other was a major fight we had. I guess I let him hurt me like that because I could see why he broke up the first time. I told him I was a little depressed about how things were going the week prior to the first breakup and he said he thought that was me trying to breakup with him. A few days later when I explained I just wanted to talk out some issues he said he regretted breaking up and that he wanted to give it another shot. My way of making him work for it was that I rarely contacted him after that and he would be the one to contact me. Though when he did contact me I would still meet up with him, etc. He also told me after the breakup that he has a history of ending relationships prematurely. That a relationship he had about 5 months prior to ours he ended prematurely (after 2 months) and he shouldn't have. So he said he tried to make ours work and keep it going and the only reason we even lasted 4 months was that he ignored problems in the relationship to not follow his old pattern. But I believe he has followed his old pattern.