satinblack

Well i havnt had all that much feedback on this and am still interested on what people have to say...

I know a girl who i was in a relationship with who had a REAL security blanket, a silly pink piece of cloth under her pillow which she would get out whnever she was in her bedroom and start fiddling with while watching dvd's etc. i thought it was a little, well, odd..... my cousin had one when he was about 10 then kicked the habit. but 21???

sounds to me like shes already trying or tried to get back with you. that stomach grabbing thing is a definate giveaway in my opinion.

Every time i get a thought like it i try to instantly distract myself using another, its a form of ocd i think! lol obsessing over something then compulsively doing something to make urself feel better. anyway, i have got into a local car modification club through a friend and although it was hard meeting everyone first time i feel at home in a group with them now. i think its case of after so long you kinda forget why you liked them in the first place, i mean my previous ex, i was gutted for months, but to be honest i find it hard to even picture what she looks like in my head now, even though we were together 2 years. I think i am more scared of ME letting go than her as i know that when i have let go it really IS over. but when that happens i wont care anyway...

I have recently applied NC to my ex after a split. and find i am having a few issues. i was hoping writingthem down here may help myself and others could addto any i missed out if they feel similair. 1- i keep waiting for the damn phone to ring or text! im not used to her never calling or texting 2- sometimes i want to phone her just to see if she remembers me?? (ive already deleted her number from my phone to prevent this) 3- i wonder if she ever thinks about me 4-i find it hard not to think about her when i am trying to sleep at night 5- when i am "bored" or have nothing to do my mind wanders onto her and what her new man are up to 6- when driving i hope i dont see "them"( a possible sighting caused me to jump with nerves) 7- has she complwetely forgotten i exist? 8- is she doing all the things she loved doing with me but swapped me for him?? 9- i imagine everything is "perfect" between them. thats as many as i can remember so far, im sure there are many others....

it feels hard right now, i come in from a busy night and everything seems too quiet i really wanna text her or something. luckily i already deleted her number from my phone to stop that kidna thing. its hard not to really want that phone to ring....

no the relationship wasnt based on sex, it was just the reason we split in the end as it frustrated me, her being hot and cold with her "forthcomingness"

I have posted another thread on my break up but failed to include all the information needed, thereby getting the wrong feedback. this time i thought i would include all the story, and get some good feedback and i should hopefully feel a little better myself after writing it. here goes. i want to give some info on her that may be usefull or important to her actions.. 1-she has self harmed in the past and although its nowhere near asfrequent these days it DOES occur 2-she makes herself sick due to feeling fat, she really has an issue with her getting fat, even tho shes not 3- which is linked to 2, she gets VERY angry when she looks in the mirrir sometimes says shes fat and throws things around screams and kicks things. 4- her ex boyfriend (of 9 months her longest relationship) is nuts, he was a total control freak and wouldnt allow any friends, turned her against herfamily and would even cut himself in front of her if she did something to upset him.. 5- she can not naturally have children as she doesnt ovulate, she can if she does it thru a hospital but she feels she is "broken" and hates herself for this anyway on with the tale... Around this time last year a new girl stared working with me. i really didnt think she was much either, just a bit rough and wasnt attracted to her... anyway i was single at the time and we talked. she gaveme a few of her friends numbers andi went through a few of those in a few weeks, not reallyliking any of them, in this time we struck up a good friendship. sofar in fact that i invited her to come with us on a theme park trip which she quickly snapped up. while we were there i was trying to get with some other girl so i didnt really pay her much attention. anyway a little further down the line I am trying it on with yet another of her friends, while shes there, it didnt go to well and figured I didnt like that onemuch either. anyway we dropped her off (the friend)and we both went back to mine.... anyway we ended uphaving sex which was more of a laugh than anything sexually amazing as we were so wrapped up in banter. (was weird but good) anyway we ended up being together from that point on and hanging out every day doing stuff toghether etc. having LOTS of sex a few weeks down the line, she goes off the sex and basically tries to avoid me, even at work, i guess somethings up and push it, gettingthe result "i just want to be friends" Fine i said and went into immediate NC (as much NC as possibledue toworkin together) anyway during this nC time i later find out shes shagged around a bit andended up with an ex she was seeing before me. Anyway somehow we got talking and she said how she regretted splitting up about 2 weeks after we did andthought she loved me... but now she had a boyfriend to get rid of. we spent lots of time togheter and she was unsure of dumping him as with him it was a relationship "that worked" and she didnt want to end it for a relationship "that might not work" even though she told me how much she would rather be having sex with me than him.... anyway come christmas time ( we only really talk at work tilll then)and we have a real deep chat about stuff and she decide she wants to be with me but needs sometime to sort things as she felt guilty dumping him then as he just found out his mum had cancer and they bought her lots of Xmas presents... anyway come new years day i think,i get a call saying she had left him and was coming to me (at bloody last i thought) shes gets to mine and we have a great day together andshe keeps holding me telling me "she loves me" anyway we go to the hospital to enquire about her non child having problem and even in the waiting room shes all over me tellingme how much she loves me. then a couple of weeks later she finds sex "weird" or like having sex with a friend. so basically its over again. even though we see each other as "friends" all the time and have the odd "fumble" (god i hate that term) I find out a few dayslater shesmet some guy who "is really hot" andis with him so i immediately bring in NC 3 days later she turns upat my house to collect a DVD and ends up crying in my kitchen saying how much she misses me etc.she goes to kissme but says sometihng about not wanting to cheat on this guy so she leaves. a couple of days later she has split with this guy as she wants to be back with me. (i take her back) and sex becomes high on her priority list agaiin and things are good... then yet again sex drys up and it becomes "weird" again and i am seen as a firend rather than a lover(i amgetting sick of hearing its weird by now and what to know what the hell it really is) anyway a few days later i find she likes some older guy (41 shes 21) i am disgusted but apparently "he is hot" so she goes off with him andi bring in NC again the very next day she turns up at my house, she says she doesnt want to phone ahead in casei say i dont want to see her. apparently she went out for a drink but nded up telling him how much she missed me and ended up crying in his lap so he told her to come back to me. anyway we get back toghether and sex is great and everythings great again. then it became "weird" again and it dried up this time i said look i need more sex or its over. she tried to back out of the ultimatum but i forced it. (theres a thread on how it ended in detail here) she chose to break up as "maybe its for the best" anyway 2 days later i find out shes with yet another guy and she cant help it if she "only sees me as a friend" she still wanted to be friends but i cant and have gone in NC again. but i cant even see how she can be friends if shes off with him every day anyway? I really did want this relationship to work as things seemso good when they are good, yet sexual frustration is either making me push her away every time or its becauise shes straying i get frustrated.. i dont understand how one day she thinks i am amazing and wants to spend her life with me, with sex being great to the next when i am only seen as a "friend" shes discussed on several occasions with me and unbiast others that she could see herself settling with me and marrying me but she just cant seem to "sort herself out" whatever that means. i just want her to see sense or something???

I have to add, that a female friend of mine commented that the only way i would ever have a fullsexual relationship with her would be to always act like i wasnt interested in a relationship, she also added but do you really want to have to "act" to be happy. obviouslyi replied no i just want it all open and truthfull. i shouldnt haveto act like anything.

Hell it feels better when people are on my side. but i will accept the ultimatum thing ws wrong, there was a reason i did it like that and a * * * *ty one (which hasnt even worked) basically i was really gutted when i split up with a rpevious ex and always blamed myself for splitting, i hated the guilt and blamed myself asi broke it off, this time i didnt want to be the guilty party, so i issued an ultimatum which meant she had tocomply or be the one to break up relieveing me of guilt. it didnt work AT ALL andi feel a * * * * for doing it. yet i also feel the issue needed to be addressed in some form. when she dd decide to split up i did realise what i had ost and tryed my damnest to tell herididnt want tosplit but then all i had was the "maybe its for the best if you are not 100% happy" line.

yep and the guy shes now seein works there too. luckily loads are my friends andi wont have to see them when i go back(i'm off for 3 more weeks with a broken hand) as its big enough not to if i dont want to.

I really want to type up the whole story but feel it would be long andsuch noone would bother reading the lot and comment on it. if that makes sense...

i dont think she was messing around as such, heres where the next big problem hits. we work together. and after work we would generally be with each other in the evenings and stay at each others houses. the only time i really didnt see her was either really late at night if she wasnt staying over (possible mess around time) or when she was smoking at work (i dont smoke so i dont visit the smoke "hut")

should i start over? it feels like such a long story now that i didnt want to borepeople with all the possible reason and reactions. i took her back for unknown reasons i just like her too damn much. apparently when we were seeing each other at the time she didnt feel the relatioship was "exclusive" and didnt feel we were together "properly" hence since then i made sure those rules were laid down first!!

when we wernt together she was really up for it. she wanted it all the time. then a few days in she goes off it.. it becomes "weird" and tells meshe sees me only as a friend. we split up a fewweeks later and shesaw some other guy,then while seeing him she came to mine to get something yet whe we were chatting i could tell she fancied me again then when we talked further she got REALLY emotional started crying saying how much she missed me and stuff, she went on to say she didnt wanna cheaton this guy but wanted to with me (but we didnt do anything) then a few days later she broke up with him to be with me again. anyway sex was great again, then yet again its becomes "weird" and she doesnt want to as yet again it feels like having sex with a "friend" a few weeks later we split up coz she likes some 41 guy who she she felt she IS sexually attracted to, yet when she went out with him she burstout crying with him telling the 41 yr old how much she missed me so he told herto come back to me. again the sex was great but after a few days it becomes "weird" again and i am like a "friend" to her. this time i was fed up of hearing that sex is weird and her only wanting it when we arnt together, when we are not together she literally wants to rape me every 5 mins, then as soon as we get togheter officially its becomes a chore to her. i justhad enough one night and had to ultimatum it, i cannot understand why one day she cant wait to have sex then the next day it becomes "weird"