Mstyiyd

Thanks, Spawn and LovelyLady, for your kind words. I wish there was a timetable for grief/healing......NC is so hard! Even now.......but the good thing is, when you do NC, no matter how difficult it is, you have the upper hand because you're not caving in and calling. If my ex was to call me ever, down the road, I can't honestly say I know what I would do. I think I'm strong enough to ignore the 1st call (if i get one) but I don't know if I'd call her back. I guess I'll cross that bridge if I get to it. But for now, I'm just trying to go on. I feel healthier mentally, and since I've made some new friends, that's been good bec I have more ppl to do things with now. Feels good! As for my ex? She tells ppl all the time she can 'get anyone" she wants. So far, I think the best she's done is gone to strip clubs and paid to get some! Haha......glad I don't stoop to her level. I hope happiness is around the corner for all of us!

I haven't posted on here in a long time, been busy trying to get back on track in life, so to speak. Hope everyone is doing well. My old posts can be looked up, to get the whole story, but basically, I have done NC for the past 4 months w/my ex after she got mad at me during a phone convo and hung up on me, never to call again. I still think about her wayyy more than I probably should, I still miss her alot, and when I think about her or us, it's raw & bitter. The good thing is, I've been working really hard to move forward. I'm still going to see a counselor, I've made a huge effort to meet new ppl (good ppl, not just bar-ppl), and I've done some cool things this summer, I took a trip, went to some concerts, etc etc. For that, I'm proud of myself. It's funny how some people out there can just dump someone and never look back, like they never existed. I still have a real hard time with that. I know that my ex has heard about various things I've been doing so I know she knows I'm not sitting around waiting on her. I had heard thru the grapevine that she felt sorry for me and that i had no life. Where she got that from is beyond me. I am very independent, work hard, provide it all for myself and she still lives with relatives and has to be hand-held to do anything. Living well is the best revenge---I've been told that, and I have to agree. I'd like to extend support to all the other NC'ers out there, it is so hard for me still, but I'm doing it one day at a time. I still wonder if she will ever call. From what I've heard, she thinks I owe her an apology (for what no one seems to know, since she hung up on me) which she is not going to get. I've never called her once, which I should not do anyway, after being hung up on, but I also know that she's tried to put the moves on some other women, and it's failed. I live in a small town, so it's hard not to hear things..........and one other thing that I heard is that other ppl find her to be very cocky/arrogant, and its a turn-off. So, although its probably not therapeutic for me to hear, it did help me move on a little bit knowing other ppl see in her what I thought was because of ME. Not really looking for advice, but any thoughts or comments regarding this post are welcome! I'd like to hear what others feel about doing NC long-term and how they continue to cope. I guess what comes around really does go around. I do want to stress that I'm trying to focus mainly on myself, because knowing what she's doing isn't going to make my life better. (just felt a tiny bit better knowing ppl dont think she's the mac-daddy she thinks she is!)

My posts are usually wayyyy long, but after reading this, I'm speechless. That was an amazing post, FC. Thank you........

Happy 30th, Frisco! I hope this year brings you alot of happiness, growth, and fun times personally and professionally..... I turned 30 3 months ago, and it hasn't been too bad so far. Just the typical crap I post on here, LOL......but overall I can't complain. I've read alot of your posts and I really appreciate your insights into different ppl's situations. It's nice your ex thought of you on your b-day. Mine did too, only she told me not to read into it! I didn't care, just went on and had fun, did my thing just as you're doing now. I was not able to contact my ex for her bday last summer bec. I was in NC and didn't think it would be good for me. So it was def. weird and brought up stuff when she did call on my special day. You handled it great! I hope you meet a cute Frisco chick who'll give u what u deserve!

I think you did the right thing. Right now you're very hurt, angry, confused, all the emotions. Been there. But a time will come when u get sad or reminisce about the good times you had or think you had......and you're going to doubt your decision. That will be normal. What u shouldn't do is change it back to your old number (the one he knew).....partly bec it will be inconvenient and partly because it will make u question every future decision you make regarding him. Point blank: He is not stable, not caring, selfish, emotionally abusive. He does not care about your feelings or who you are as a person. It is all about him, and he pretty much told you that. I know it hurts to hear it like that, but it's true. Your ex sounds like he has alot of similar traits to mine. He will most likely track you down somehow, whether thru a friend, family member, where you live, or where you work. Alot of it will be curiosity, he probably will figure out u changed your # because of him. They do crap like this: and he will justify his behavior and/or blame you even in a nice way for things. But trust me-----he'll be coming to find you to talk, sooner or later. Especially when it doesn't work out for a minute w/some other chick, or for comfort. People learn early on what they can get away with with another person. Mine sure did with me. Good luck, stay strong, take it day by day and surround yourself with healthy friends and family you can trust as you go thru your journey.

I got the mass text message contact yesterday morning. "Happy V-Day to all the single girls and guys out there". Never did get what that was about. Just feel like it was sent to various ppl on her cell phone list. She's a Big Dawg. Nothin' like a shout-out, I guess! Did not respond. Would have fed her ego, or she'd have told ppl I was reading into it, Im sure. What the h*$# do they want w/us, anyways????

I liked your post and the passage. I was fine yesterday, for myself, and overall I think I was doing better the past couple wks. W/o my ex knowing, I kind of reinitiated NC when this month started bec. I just dont think a friendship could work, as I predicted all along, I still have feelings for her though I havent discussed that w/her, although Im sure she can sense that, and she pretty much just calls when its convenient for her or she needs/wants smthg. I dont want to be the back burner g/f or friend to anyone. I had posted @ a mass text msg she sent me yesterday that i found to be weird but I havent responded to it. Today, though.....I haven't been as upbeat. I know she's found a new or another "bar crowd" or crowd to hang/party with, and she goes out a majority of the nights during the week after work. When I'm done work, if I don't have errands or smthg to do I go home, like most ppl. She still lives w/a relative so I think she likes to stay out bec. she has no home of her own currently to go to, and she has such a big ego Im sure she doesnt want ppl to think she has no life. But it bothers me, how she can just move on to other ppl, or chase other women, or whatever bar ppl do. Here I am at home but I feel like the loser tonite. And I absolutely should not. This was a person who is not an evil person, but a selfish, self centered one who like curlysue/curlygirl??? (LOL) is not good for me emotionally, either. I really dont think the ppl she hangs with are of much substance; she's in her 40s and likes to hang w/the younger set, to make herself seem hip or cool or whatever. Sorry to ramble. Just liked the passage from above. Feeling a bit down tonite, I hope it passes. And I hope I meet someone cool soon.

One more thing.....yes, in the past I have heard from reliable sources that she has made comments to the effect of me not being over her, or reading into things. For example, I posted back around the holidays when I had found out she had told ppl she invited me for Tgiving and Xmas w/her family only bec. I had no where else to go or no one to be with. Which is a big lie. For the record, I do have parents and family. They just live several states away, she knows I Always go home at some pt around the holidays. That is just a typical thing she feels the need to say to ppl about me....after I stuck by her as she went thru cancer a couple yrs back. What an imbicile. I don't know why she continues to say things like that, esp when I dont call her, I dont discuss being in a rel. w/her, dont ask her anything romantic or make moves on her, keep my distance....its like she wants me to want her so she can reject me. Cant wait to meet someone normal!

Good evening, everyone, from the East Coast! I really appreciate y'all taking the time to read my post and reply. It helps to hear others' opinions, even when they all pretty much say the same thing. That's good......safety in numbers I have not texted (did I spell that right??) or called her back. Had a good day at work, went about my business, went to lunch w/some coworkers, and tomorrow we are having a V-Day luncheon party at work bec. our staff meetings are held on Wednesdays and we'll all be there. It should be fun, I really enjoy the ppl I work with. We're all crazy counselors! You know what? I didn't even care much today about talking with her. I think I'm in that apathetic phase where I'm trying to go on and not as concerned w/where she's at. That could change, as it's one step forward two back, etc etc but at least on today's holiday I was mentally better than I thought I'd be. I actually laughed when I got it. It was random and vague, but in line w/her way of doing things. If anyone read my posts back in the fall, I had done NC for 4 months after I got tired of being "second fiddle" and the gameplaying and she wound up breaking my NC on my bday to call me, only to tell me at the end of THAT convo not to read into the call. SIGH. We should put all humans like this on their own island, I swear! To answer the ?? about the "mass text message".....I think there are ways u can send text msgs to a bunch of ppl that are in your name directory in your cell phone. You can either send the msg or the forward to everyone, or just select ppl. I asked @ that at work today, Im personally not a big texter bec. I like to flap my gums on the phone w/a live person .......but I think it was mass-sent to diff ppl on her cell directory because not everyone she has programmed into her phone is single. Some are coupled up, some married, it would have been stupid if she sent it to everyone which is why Im assuming she sent it to the ppl she knows who are single, such as her lovely bar friends. Way to cheer us on! Haha, Im getting some kicks out of it. One more thing I didnt get, but I doubt its really of importance: why not just send a mass text msg to EVERYONE on your list like "Happy V-Day!"......why put in the thing @ "Happy V Day to all the single girls and guys out there". Seems like that would take more trouble to do that, as she prob had to select who she was sending it to. My sister said the same thing you all have said......laugh and ignore it. My sis said it prob rocked her world a bit bec. I haven't been calling and she is no longer in control......even though Im not trying to "play games"....... These exes, man! Sometimes......you just gotta laugh. PEACE TO ALL AND THANK YOU!

Happy Valentine's Day to all. Hope everyone's day is going smoothly This morning, I received a text message on my cell phone from my ex g/f. It said "Happy Valentine's Day to all the single girls and guys out there". I know for a fact that she doesn't normally text people, this must be a new thing. I also know she has a # of ppl on cell phone list that are married/coupled up, so I figure that she selected certain ppl to send this to, me among them. I am so not reading into it, but it seems like such a wiener message! LOL, why not just text Happy V Day to all the masses instead of the "single" thing? Weird! I haven't spoken w/her in about 2 wks, just bec. I am trying to move on. We went to a show about 2 wks ago, but I don't really have much to say and I feel like she only calls/comes around when she can't get a hold of other ppl or if she needs/wants smthg. Its funny.........if I had been the one to send smthg like this, even though its impersonal and totally harmless, she'd have run to the bar or called her friends to tell them in an exasperated way how she just can't believe I won't get over her........no joke. Anyways, just wanted to ramble some thoughts out. I don't plan to text or call her because I don't see the point (right now). I don't get dumpers and exes! What is this about? They don't want us, so leave us be.....

Well, that's good that you've been establishing boundaries with him, it can be really hard to implement it but easy to say to yourself what you're going to do when it happens. NC is hard, reconnecting w/that person is hard. I would definitely keep the no-sex thing going indefinitely for your own protection, health wise and emotional wise. Even if that's not the most pressing issue. And don't think people can't change. I think its realistic to know that most people have a hard time changing because most people don't choose to look deep inside themselves and typically blame others for their own actions or justify/manipulate reasons WHY they do what they do. In my own case w/my ex that is exactly what has always gone on, and I sit with the whole wishful thinking about what had been and what could have been....etc etc.....when really, she has prob. always been who I'm seeing her as now. Your ex has prob always been who you're seeing him to be now, too. It sounds like you have alot more insight into yourself and that relationship than he could ever have. And what sucks is, you can't make him 'see the light', so to speak. He is going to have to see it for himself and nothing u can say/do is gonna make that come about. And THAT is the most frustrating part of it all. If he is seeing another girl, whether or not it's just a hookup thing or a dating thing, the only thing I could think of why he is coming back around is an ego issue. In case it doesn't work w/this new chick, or to see if u still "want" him-----ppl like that love NOTHING MORE than to know an ex still pines away for them. Makes 'em feel FAT CAT. I call it Fat Cat Syndrome (FCS). And I've told my own ex that is what she is.....an "FCS". She hates when I've said it! LOL.........and you sound like a sweet girl, and he knows deep down that you're probably better to him/for him than the trash he prob messes around with. Who knows, maybe I'm off the mark here.......just my thoughts. It sounds real similar to my own. I've reinitiated NC w/my ex not bec. we got into it, just bec. she wants to be friends yet puts zero effort into it and I don't need that crap in my life. We only talk/hang out on HER terms now and screw that.......haven't talked to her since Feb 1, and if she chooses to call I will deal w/it then. I think she's got a new girl or new party crowd herself, and FCS has come back into play they tire of each other, is when I guess I'll be called.........but I'm going out, having fun with my genuine friends, taking care of myself, and working hard. Trying to move on. It all comes around........................life is a balancing act.......(i hope!!!!)

Hey NJ, What up, girl? Well, I guess I can read what's up! When the weather changes, ppl can seem to change too! Like the others, you know I've been following your story for a couple months now and I have to agree w/the others---PLEASE be careful. I've been in your position a million times w/my ex. My ex has never been outright verbally abusive, but the other gameplaying in your case w/your ex is identical to mine and what mine still does w/me. Honestly? I think he is keeping you as a "puppet on a string". He calls because he knows he can, because he knows chances are you'll answer the phone. You may be guarded at first, but he probably knows how to "be" with you to get you to loosen up and go back to "square one". It is possible he doesn't have a g/f and is lonely, bored, wants sex, or just wants to see how far he can go with you. Mine does the same thing and it makes me crazy and feel unhealthy. I worry that that is what is going on w/him right now. He was such a d#*$ to you only a little while ago, downright abusive. Alot of times, they come around when they need or want something and they know you'll provide it. And just when you settle into it thinking he's got your back/is really there for you....poof! He'll withdraw again and be mean and ugly and you'll be left in tears & confusion. If you feel you can't not pick up the phone, then talk with him but establish firm boundaries, don't tell him everything you're up to whether he asks or not (mine is the same way---rarely cares enough thru the self absorption to ask how Im doing yet they still want to know), don't discuss too much of your feelings @ him because he may/may not want to go there and see your reaction. He may need companionship, comfort, money, who knows. But unless he became a new person that was HONEST and owned up to his crap and how he treats you, don't give too much of yourself or your time. Don't jump every time he wants to hang out or talk. Because it sounds like he wants to see if you'll rush to pick up the phone and then u get off the phone sometimes feeling worse bec.he doesn't ask u to hang out, or you don't get exactly what or WHY he is calling. Sorry for rambling, I just gotta lot of my own emotions for my own life @ this! Good luck, NJ! Keep us posted, I'll be rooting for you...

I agree wholeheartedly with that! I tend to analyze things to death, and it does nothing but stress me out, and make me unable to sleep or eat properly and that is just not healthy. My goal is to be healthy physically and mentally, so I can move forward with my life. I hope someday I meet someone who cares for me in the same way I care for them, and it is more equal footing. Being the "caretaker" in my past 2 relationships has left me totally drained, numb, and I am not like that and I don't want to remain bitter and not open to new experiences that may come my way. My ex seems to have decided to continue barhopping/partying on a regular basis and chase women who are nearly half her age (she is 41). I prefer to hang out with more goal oriented people who don't spend their free time in bars and night clubs (even though there's nothing wrong w/going out and partying once in a while---moderation is what I'm talking about!). I re-initiated NC for myself bec. I was finding it wasn't healthy to even talk much w/my ex because she is so self absorbed and only seems to call when its convenient for her or her bar pals aren't around. I don't need that. And I am getting tired of analyzing and beating myself up over the rejection. I gotta tell myself, its her loss. She lost a great friend, lover, potential partner......I can give all this to someone who wants to invest the same amount of time back in me. I just hope it happens! For all of us! As long as we continue to do work on ourselves!

This was a great post to read today, I really needed to hear some encouragement. I'll do alot to stay in a relationship (not physical abuse) but the few relationships I've had, I seem to put the other person on a pedestal too, instead of taking care of my own needs, or at least allowing my needs to be met 50-50. It's always been all about that other person. No more. I'm worth being respected and having my opinion valued, and not having someone try to change me or tell me how much they don't want me. Believe me---I've heard that too many times from the past 2 people I've been with, and now I want to say---who the h#*% are YOU? YOU should be lucky to be with me rather than the other way around! Good job!

Seriously, for your own mental health and well-being, do NC all the way.....at least indefinitely. You will go nuts trying to figure stuff out and analyze about it, and also about what's going on w/whoever is currently in her life. I hear ya, I am in the same boat, too..... Chances are, most relationships that begin like a rebound really are. Sure, a few wind up working long term, but the odds aren't likely. Most people crave safety and security w/someone else, and alot of times, they run into the arms of the first person who shows even a bit of interest. It doesn't mean they're really compatible. Alot of folks out there settle just so they can say they have someone. It can be an ego thing. And it can also be a poor coping mechanism for people who want to forget their most recent relationship, whether they are the dumper or dumpee. However, I feel like the dumpers are more likely to do this than the other way around bec. they are already emotionally checked out of the last rel. and the dumpee typically is not. Remember---when you first meet someone u think u could like, or date, you aren't seeing who they really are. It takes a long time being around someone to know all the layers, during good times and bad times, not just for drinking/partying/superficial settings. Anyone can party or live it up, but not alot of people are truly there for another person all the time and for the right reasons. There's alot of good people in this world, but alot of messed up selfish ones who always think there is someone better out there. Let them go............trust me, they'll regret it later on even if you don't know it, and by then, hopefully, you'll have learned and moved on and met someone great!

From personal experience, one that I am currently in, I personally find it very difficult to transition from being together to being exes to being friends. All you have is the history. It depends on the person, people, and situation(s). Depends on people's individual coping skills and their personality and temperment (i dont think i spelled that right?!). I have never been friends with an ex because I know myself and I cannot handle it emotionally, particularly since the few exes I've had always hooked up into new relationships way before I did. Some people can do it and more power to them, I sure can't! Seems like one person typically wants more than friendship and from there, problems arise, such as jealousy. Then it can drive the dumper away, when really the dumpee is just trying to please that person and themselves. It's really hard to cut somebody out of your life that was in it for a period of time, and w/intimacy involved. However, I say that with the exception to verbal/mental/physical abuse......I'm tired and may not be making alot of sense but I hope people get the gist of what I'm trying to say...

Bkjsun, I liked your thread too. I totally can relate to your post. I've thought about the neediness factor for my own situation before. Personally, I don't think of myself as "overall needy". As humans, we all definitely "need" to be needed and wanted and vice-versa. I'm a pretty independent person, a career I love, make my own way, worked my way up and still learning, you know? With my 'ex', maybe she did perceive me to be getting that way. In my case, from day one she always said we were just friends, even though we did EVERYTHING that couples do for a yr and a half and had a friendship for several yrs prior to that. The timing sucked, for sure, she had recently gotten out of a nine yr rel where the other person finally left after cheating for the whole 9yrs. Crazy.....and she obviously is still not over it today. So there were always alot of signs and stuff. But its like she wanted the comfort/security I gave, but she wanted to be single and live it up. I dont think she's really interested in having a relationship right yet, too many of her own issues up in the air. I think my ex is more needy than me, I just miss the comfort of a stable person and have gone nuts w/all the mixed signals.

Again, Friscodj, thanks for the input. I have a difficult time seeing my own situation from my own eyes, so to speak. I did initiate NC for 4 months back in the summer, I think I mentioned this already-not sure, so sorry if I did--but yeah, i guess it blew out the window when she TC'd me for my b-day. Her b-day was over the summer during the NC period and it was one of the hardest mental abilities I'd done in a long time but I did not call or acknowledge her day in any way. I was on these boards ALOT at that time! And she got pissed, she contacted me a week later to say thanks for not calling on my b-day. You can't win sometimes. But I took Superdave's advice of: If You Do Nothing, You Cannot Screw Anything Up. And that advice worked WONDERS in this case. I admit to feeling a bit of a smile when she called me up @ that like a sullen child. Ooh...that sounds BAD on my part but oh well, I've suffered enough. My self control w/the NC surprised even me. I lost weight, cried alot, tried to keep busy and stay around normal, stable fun people I do have in my life. I was starting to do better even w/the ache in my heart that really hadn't subsided much when i got the call. And you know what? It lasted 2 hrs that day and at the end she asked if we could meet up for dinner later that wk. After she said that, you know what she then said? "Now, don't read into this, my phone call..."...............messed up B**!! So if i did NC once i guess i can do it again. I think she sees me as comfort, security, esp bec. most of her "friends" are bar friends, party people, not alot of real intimacy going on there. But it can't be my problem much longer, especially since there's really no reciprocation even on a friendship level. I just gotta mentally get myself back to NC.....trust me, I do know I deserve better than this...

...and to be fair, and I think I've gone above and beyond any fairness with this person.....but all of the illnesses, the unhealthy nine year relationship she was in, every rel. she's been in the person has cheated and/or then left her......I dont think she really wants to be close to anyone, and will have real issues if and when she DOES get w/someone after the initial honeymoon period ends......I think I was the 1st person she's been with that hasn't been trash. She left me first, said we weren't right for one another even though i'd been there through the worst period of her life. I don't get it. But she sure has treated me like crap, even on a friendship level, I feel.

Hey Frisco (pamper boy--sorry, LOL), Thanks for all your input. I really appreciate the time people take to respond to one another. Yes, my ex or whatever you'd call her is definitely messed up. You wouldn't know it by talking to her, till you delve deeper. I cut her slack bec. of her breast cancer, she never seemed to change until after she healed from that. She HAS been thru a hell of alot, this is the 2nd major illness she's had in her life, and her ex was not there for her during either time, in fact used it as another reason to go and cheat. So there's alot of unhealthy dysfunction going on. She called me today and asked me if I wanted to get dinner with her and one of her family members. Im real close to a # of them, and they are very disappointed in how she treats me, and they say they've learned alot. They are cool and we are close. She knows that and I think it burns her up a bit bec. she knows they are right...and she's the one who f$#&@ up. Well, I went bec. I love her family member. I'm beginning to get somewhat apathetic towards her. I was chill, it went fine, until her best friend called her. She is also in her early 40s and has always disliked me. This friend is somewhat abrasive, bordering on bullying, and never seemed to like me. I think she perceived me as a threat bec. she is a miserable you know what, and I am educated, attractive, levelheaded and independent. I don't bother anyone. The mentality of her BFF in the past was she wanted my ex to get back with the girl that cheated on her all those yrs! Yes, that's a GREAT BFF to have, ya think ? (lots of sarcasm in here). That's the total mentality of why I must not fit in well to the overall pic. Her BFF NEVER called or visited when she had one major surgery>>>Can u imagine what she would have been like to me if i hadn't been there? And I slept in a hard chair upright for 3 days! But that is who she chooses, well I think it was the BFF who called during dinner, I couldn't fully tell but at the beginning of their convo whoever it was must've asked what she was doing and she said "Eating dinner with Susan (her cousin)".....fails to mention me. So I felt real good.....see, I get the feeling this 40smthg yr old is real controlled herself in a way by her so called BFF....this friend once screamed at me right after she met me in a restaurant telling me I was a piece of garbage, a loser, and I was sad as in pathetic. Psycho people, my ex really never supported or helped me w/it. What a story! I'm not gonna let it get me down, her saying in front of me that I wasnt part of her dinner party tonite, like she's gotta hide me. Frisco, your input's been great.....whaddya think of this one

It's just so hard to comprehend.....people's motives or motivations. I can't understand why someone would spend so much time with another person, intimacy on many different levels, only to either cut them off unexpectedly/suddenly, or just decide that it's over for whatever reason. I agree that people can easily fall out of love, or decide they're not right for one another and sometimes those decisions are for the best. I am having enormous difficulty with my own situation because this is the 3rd rejection from someone in a row over a period of 5yrs. The other 2 were not g/f's, briefly hung out with them, never a relationship. But still-the rejections were there and told. Basically they all said, in their own ways, you are good enough to sleep with, you're hot, but not to date. And I don't jump into bed with just anyone. At my age, I can count on one hand how many people i've been intimate with. Why do people stay with someone they claim to not have any feelings for? Is it really just comfort?

Friscodj--- Thanks for your input. I have been seeing a counselor for nearly a yr now, actually. I myself am a mental health professional, but I prefer kids to adults! I think its important for most people to seek out another point of view, esp when you are dealing with tough issues such as these. Also, I think it enables me to be a better clinician, by doing that for myself. It's hard to be on both sides of the fence, personally and then professionally. It takes alot out of you! Our relationship was strange from the start. She had been in a 9yr rel. w/someone who cheated on her from day one w/various people....she was aware of that...and kicked herself down the road after 9yrs I guess she finally had enough. But really, her ex left and never came back to her that final time. We always told people we were just friends....she never treated me like a girlfriend, more like a f--buddy at best. It's really sad. What has messed with me is that we spent the majority of our time together for a couple of yrs....we were intimate for a yr and I find it so hard to believe that someone could sleep w/someone else for an entire yr, be with them nearly every day, simulate what a relationship 'would be'.....I guess?? but the whole time, always saying, "I have no feelings for you other than as a friend"....sorry, but where I come from you don't sleep w/your friends. Both of us crossed the line, but then everything got hazy. In terms of me, I have never once cheated on anyone I was with, I grew up w/parents that are stilll married and I had great role models to look to. I think I am too nice. I don't sleep around and I've never dated one person right after the other. It takes me time to get comfortable to have those feelings for someone. With her, I thought it might be different this time, bec we did have the friendship aspect to it, so there was a foundation of sorts. We were really close. She on the other hand, is 10 yrs older than me. She hasnt been w/that many people either. Every rel.she has been in the other person has cheated/left her. That's her own issues to deal with. I think she's an avoidant of sorts, she can make herself real detached from situations where I wear my heart on my sleeve more. I know she is not over her recent ex (the 9yr one). She has had no contact w/her and doesnt want to be w/her again but she still seems to want to know from diff people what her ex and her new g/f are up to. Morbid curiosity? I guess. Plus, she is a huge partier now, you'd think she was in her 20s! And there is a side of her that is very cocky/self absorbed. All about me, type thing. She has many good traits that are what I cared about but I now see the other side. She told me the only reason she slept w/me was bec. she was 'vulnerable'.....its like she turned around and did to me what was done to her by all her exes over the yrs. Whatever, because a year is a LONG time to be vulnerable and have seemingly no control over your own emotions. She also doesnt take sleeping w/someone lightly...that is also whats weird. I initiated NC back in the summer after an incident and I couldnt take the rejection anymore. She wound up calling on my bday in October, 4 months later......told me not to read into anything and then asked me to dinner. Got invited for both holidays to her family....and since Tgiving she's called me 1-3x per day usually for no reason. She is still barhopping and we dont spend as much time together as we used to. My friends cant stand her now,esp bec. she is better from her cancer and can pretend like the past few yrs havent happened. Sorry, its her loss ultimately, but she is not going to find someone who will take care of her or be there for the right reasons....not where we live...not with the crowd she hangs with. It just HURTS. But no regrets @ helping someone w/cancer.

Ohhhh yeah.....I am FEELING this thread tonite!! Thanks Lonelyfish....I've been thinking alot about this myself. If it makes you (or anyone else) feel better, I've been sick with worry this past week about my relationship w/my ex. I go thru phases w/my stress level, so I keep working alot and surrounding myself w/my RELIABLE friends. My ex told me for months, no joke---on a weekly basis....."What it comes down to is you want me and I dont want you"...."Don't build your world around me"....."You know where we stand?"....."Don't read into this".... EXACT quotes. And they usually were brought up out of the blue...we could be driving to get smthg to eat and it would rear its ugly head. And this was someone I was very close to before we got together (this was the 1st person I was every friends w/before we became intimate)....and stood by her EVERY DAY when she had cancer. Slept in the hard chair by her bedside, took my own vacation time from work to be there for chemo tx's, learned to do the bandaging, went to dr's appts.....Yes, I know that was my choice but at the time I wouldn't have done differently. None of us know if we'll ever need someone like that in our lives....if we got sick. She also had asked me to be w/her. Now---at 40something, she is a regular hard partier at the local bar.....she doesnt sleep around, but Im sure there's a roving eye. And she doesn't want me and wants anyone who will listen to know. I don't get it either. Why are some people never friggin' satisfied? As a 3x dumpee, Im trying to now evaluate what these people have that lure me in to their unhealthy environments. Because save for my dating history, I have the rest of my life together. Been rejected by all 3 of the last women I've been with. My 1st g/f in college never treated me bad. This has messed with my head because I never think Im good enough. I make good money, have my own place, I'm attractive, have a good family and good friends. I'm like an unfamous reese witherspoon like that. And yet I can't find someone to date that isn't mental. Sorry.....major PMS this week! But I feel the sting of rejection and it makes me more sad than mad. This thread has been helpful tonite.

This is a good thread, recently I've been wondering the same exact thing and can't figure it out. My ex, who tells ANYONE who will listen, that all we are or ever were is/was "friends"....good ones, excellent ones, the closest, but that's it. (Big maturity level here)........ However, she has a picture of us from a trip we took on her night table. It is on top of her jewelry box, but still it is there and the only one. The rest of her room is filled w/pics of her w/family and one other photo of us on another mantel in her room. I don't know about anyone else, but to keep a pic of your ex (even if u are still "friends"......w/one possibly still wanting to get back down the road--me)........on your nightstand......is odd????? I guess u can't read into that stuff but anyone else have opinions on this??? I'm interested to know what others think!

P.S. ----I should not have allowed her to stay over, as per our history. Past forums I've posted talk about our history. Most of my friends/confidantes believe that she is (slowly) "working her way back in".....possibly to be like it was before. Having her cake/eating it too. They think in time she is going to make a pass at me. I don't think so, but every person I've talked about this with disagrees. It doesnt mean she 'wants' me, doesnt mean she and I would get into a relationship, but that is the consensus. I will NOT be intimate with her if we are not in a relationship. By doing that before wound up being the reason i discovered enotalone!