Mstyiyd

Oh yeah, that is why I posted my own ex/holiday thread on here yesterday. My ex and I did NC initiated by me back in the summer, recently began talking about 3 wks ago, have seen each other twice to eat out, and have talked on the phone a # of times. I already made plans to go out of state for T-giving, but I still wondered if I was going to be invited to her family's house, since Im still close to them. They would love to have me, but with her Im not sure. She is a poker faced, closed off type person. I doubt she would ask me but I still felt so conflicted yesterday I posted my own thing here. I guess its natural to feel sad or empty, wondering if they miss you, etc. Just try to keep surrounding yourself with the people who have helped carry you through the hard times, the NC times, and try to enjoy who you do have in your life and all the other blessings. Remember the important things. Our free will. The fact we are (hopefully) physically healthy and have our minds and can laugh and have fun. I will miss her next Thursday but there will be a space in my heart......but Im going on and will eat alot, laugh alot, and enjoy my time off from work! I hope everyone else does the same!

I can see everybody's points who have already posted here, and I kind of agree with all of them in a way. Each person and each couple in this world are so varied and different, there is not one way to think or do things, esp. in the complex world of relationships. I personally think a good, healthy relationship takes a tremendous amount of sacrifice and selflessness on both parts. The marriage vows of "for better or worse" even if you are not married, really comes into play here. You can go months or even yrs with someone in your life, lover or friend, and not have a major crisis hit in either person's lives. When it does, is when you see a person's true character. If they're there for you and how. And it often takes people by surprise with the way someone close to them reacts.....alot of times it's not how you expect! Also, no one should put up with physical/verbal/emotional abuse of any kind, yet I know from personal experience (and I am a master's degree level counselor myself who is also IN counseling!!) that its easy to say that but not realistic for alot of people to just "get out of". Relationships are not black and white. More people would make the healthier choices for themselves/their families if it was that way. It is hard to just forget about someone who was significant in your life. What you do have to do is work hard to keep a relationship that is fulfilling and the ones that do need to be let go of happen the best way possible. By choosing to learn within yourself, support from friends, coworkers, family.....and places like these boards. I'm a counselor and I am having a hard time letting go of my ex. But I sure am trying, have made mistakes along the way, yet keep attempting to learn from them. What do others think?

Well my ex and I were very close friends, and we spent alot of time with her family. There is alot of history there. She has a huge extended family and I was there for many holidays over a 2yr period.....when her cousin was killed in an auto accident in the late spring she asked me to be with her that whole week, and had me in the family viewing room, separate from the visitors. That should say how close we were. I was with her (partly because I wanted to, partly bec. she asked) during her entire treatment of cancer as well. I am still close to some of her family. This was not my doing, I have tried to be a "lady" and hold my head high and go on. I just feel mad, sad, confused, frustrated, and alot of PMS tonight! sorry.....grrr......sigh......

Thanks coolsome......I am going to my best friend's house out of state....they are my other "surrogate" family. I don't have a big family at all, my parents live far from me and they usually go to friends' on that day. I am welcome there, but my BFF is alot more fun to hang with! I've been doing well for a while, I guess the holidays bring out funny feelings in us dumpees. I want to be strong for myself. Partly what gets me through this is a tiny satisfaction of knowing she broke NC regardless of the reason and I was able to NOT do it first. Feels like I'm playing games sometimes with this......still dont know if it was a good idea to keep the phone contact and stuff going w/her.....it kind of encourages her that yes, Im open to contact but on her terms....only this time Im going to do my darndest to do it equally or more on my terms where it feels less one sided.

I don't know if I want to be friends again, or yet. Don't know if in the long run I can emotionally handle that, esp if she starts dating someone which would seem inevitable (on both sides, but I think she'd find someone quicker than I would). She reinitiated contact at the end of October, and like I said, we've seen each other 2x and have begun talking on the phone @ casual stuff more often since then. I didnt really expect an invite, I think whatever goes on needs to be slow. I just dont know why I feel weird about all this....maybe 'cause its next wk. I guess I should not feel offended or worry about it...........?.......sigh,.......

With Thanksgiving and Xmas and all the other holidays fast approaching, I would like to ask some ???s regarding exes and holidays. If you have had NC for a period of time w/an ex, they break NC and you start slowly talking again but that is all it is, no relationship talk, as far as anyone's concerned both parties are single and can do what they want, what should you expect as far as Thanksgiving invites (if you had been there to their family before) or Xmas? Should you take it personally if you are not invited by your ex to spend T-giving w/them and their family, if both are on speaking terms? If they don't invite you but seem to want to keep communication going between you and them, is that fair (on their part)? Obviously I'm talking about myself (and prob. lots of others out there)....don't want to be a doormat, want to keep having the upper hand in a situation that unfortunately is still very much in limbo. I already have plans for next week, but curiosity has gotten the best of me. I haven't been asked yet, and prob. won't......it started the feelings of insecurity again but when we've talked I have not mentioned that or the holidays, trying to just go on and be strong and live my life. Comments welcome!

It seems like a good number of people have this happen to them, where their ex contacts them down the road after NC has been implemented by either party. I would like to know "why" this occurs....I know it's different with different people, couples, etc etc. Why do they want contact w/an ex again?

NatalieJulie, I wondered from your experience if you could share (or anyone else reading here) why you think/why you believe that exes usually come back, even just wanting friendship. (In this case, I am referring to dumpers coming back to their dumpees.) Is it because they are simply curious as to what we've been up to? Do they really want or think we could/should be friends with them? Do they miss us in more than a friend way, esp. if there was no abuse, etc etc? When I initiated NC over the summer and held to it, my ex was the first to cave in and called me on my b-day in October. Shocker to me, not to people who knew us. Since then, we have seen each other twice to get smthg to eat, very casual, talks on the phone are getting a bit more frequent but I am trying my hardest to play it cool, do my own thing and not expect anything. I dont know yet personally in my situation if I can handle friendship if she starts dating. I found out recently that she put up an ad somewhere online but I dont know why or seeking what. It was real strange to me bec. she always told me she thought that was crazy and she doesnt seem the type of person to go that route....she told this person it was all in fun, but I think if you're placing an ad its because you're looking for smthing more....I dont get it. So in my situation I don't know what she wants from me. But I am trying to keep having the upper hand bec. i dont want to get hurt again. NC saved my life and what sanity i had going on during that time. And its still going on. Any input from people would be appreciated.....thoughts, suggestions, comments........i don't get exes behaviors!

StandTall, I read your posts and I am sorry for what you've been going through recently. Especially with your birthday coming and all. I've posted in different forums, and I wonder if my "breakup" with my ex was due to poor timing as well. These boards are so helpful day or night, when you get down and can't call a friend because it's late! Many a night I have lurked on here reading people's stories! It helps to hear that so many others are going through what we personally are. I hope someday we get to start a site where we talk about how in love we are w/whoever we are with (at that time)! Wouldn't that be positive! But continue utilizing the supports you have in your personal life and the ones you have here in cyber space. We don't know each other in real life, I guess, but on here we sure do......I try to get stronger every day myself but I recently began talking, just talking w/my ex, whom Im sure is wanting nothing more than a great friendship even though she is not currently w/anyone. Sigh.....just stay strong and here's some prayers for you! Calling your ex from time to time doesnt always mean they'll be cold, it could be a decent conversation, just dont expect too much from them. Its hard, but if you go in w/that mindset it will make it alot easier. Take care....

I think everyone here has had to use NC or has seriously thought about implementing it for their own sanity. We all do things at our own pace when dealing with the complexity of our personal relationships. It's important for us to remember we don't know what we would do until we walk in someone else's shoes. When I initiated the NC with my ex, her b-day came about a month and a half afterwards. We'd had some minor phone contact over settling bills in between then, but the convos were brief and only dealt w/the bill, nothing else. I made sure of that. I did not acknowledge her b-day because we were doing NC, and I didn't want to use her b-day as an excuse to break it, esp when she had told me repeatedly before I did NC that she didnt want to be w/me, etc etc. I debated for a while @ what to do, and ultimately listened to the writer "SuperDave" on here, who said that if u do nothing u cannot screw anything up. And not to call someone you're doing NC with for ANY reason...let them see what life is like w/o you. So I didnt, and when I heard from her a wk later for the final call about the cell phone bill she was very upset that I hadnt called. I explained why. And in a weird way felt sorta better. She couldnt ever say I used her b-day to try to "get her back".....definitely didnt want to feed the ego. This tactic is real good for anyone who has an ex w/a big ego, like mine. Impt dates are hard days for us dumpees. But my ex called me for my b-day in October, and I was really surprised because I had mentally prepared myself for that NOT to happen ever since NC started. I dont feel like a winner here, only a winner within myself for slowly learning to let go and move forward with my life. Day by day.....that's all you can do.

I have posted before on my saga with my ex g/f but I guess I have some updates that could fit into this forum. Just read my old posts to get the story if u aren't familiar w/it....too tired to type it all again tonight! Thanks.... Anyways, I initiated NC w/someone that I've had a very complex situation with. For all intents, I call her my ex g/f because we simulated everything two people who are together all the time and are intimate w/one another for well over a yr. But we never officially called each other g/f bec. of bad breakups we each had separately before we got together. We had a long hx of being close friends before it. Also I have NEVER been w/a friend before, dont believe its the greatest idea but I know it can work for some. I did the NC bec. she was sending alot of mixed messages and had become very self centered, typical stuff. I am 30, she is 41. No need for that. So, after careful deliberation I NC'd after a particular incident. It has been the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life. I think she would have been cool w/keeping the friendship but i didnt think she deserved my friendship after certain things went on (no abuse of any kind, no cheating, read old posts for info)....We had to TC a few times about a bill but then nothing. Recently, we reconnected on the phone when she called to wish me a happy b-day. We have talked a few times over the past 2 weeks. We had a brief sushi dinner last nite, only about an hour long, which was good. There was some awkwardness during dinner, as I was sitting accross from someone whom I share so much history (helped take care of her during cancer) but not really tension. I dont know what is going to happen, and Im not typically friends with an ex. I dont know if i can be called a hypocrite yet, but maybe I am one....its complicated. I dont know how often we will talk/see each other. I know that I am taking care of ME first, not in a selfish way, but i need to be healthy/strong for my own sanity. I dont want to fall back into a one sided situation, which is what it became. We have not talked about the pressing issues bec. Im actually not ready, and my therapist (yes, I go to one!) has said that I dont have to do that w/her yet until Im ready. So,,,,,is this a success story? It could be. I am proud I was able to maintain NC and that she called first, but I agree 100% with the other posters who say you have to do NC for YOU not to get them back. I am a heck of alot stronger from doing NC but it is as close to emotional torture as one can get. Many times I didnt think i'd make it, i have amazing friends who dealt w/many midnite phone calls. I owe them for sure! And she may be trying to come back in my life simply as a friend, which i dont know if i can deal with that, or if she is doing it bec. she feels guilt, as many dumpers get around to feeling. Only time will tell; i will keep posting when something earth shattering happens. Just bec. she called doesnt mean we're together, or even will be friends. I have missed her terribly, but I will not be anyone's doormat. I hope everyone is learning from each other's posts. I know I have. Thanks for listening and good luck to us all!

Thanks Melrich. Like sands thru the hourglass......so are the days of our lives.....LOL........well, when we had left the conversation on Sunday she had asked me if i wanted to hang out or have dinner when I got home. I thought about not calling her, being busy, letting her chase me type thing. Which I plan on continuing to do.....but I didnt want to be rude so tonight I left her a message after I knew she would have left work, and said that I had a busy day and didnt have time to get together but to call me, maybe we could hook up soon. Hook up as in hang out! Well, she called me about 20 min later and we talked for about an hour. About nothing in particular. The only weird thing she said was she mentioned my parents and if I had "badmouthed" her to them.........weird, as Im not the type of person who would do that and i dont tell my parents all my personal business anyway. Is that insecurity or guilty conscience? Weird! So, we'll see what happens. I'm ok with it all, I have started building my own life anyway.....

I haven't posted in a couple of weeks, but now I have an update. I think I've put this in the correct forum...well, my ex g/f called me on Sunday to wish me a Happy 30th B-day. We had not spoken since 9/1, I was the one who initiated the NC after mixed signals and out-there rejection finally made me emotionally have to separate. You can view my other posts to get the story if you dont know it (I just dont know how to put the address up)....I figured it was all said and done. I was coming on these forums as help in getting thru this. I think she wanted to remain "friends" from the get-go, but I had felt like a doormat, etc etc. Well, we talked (about nothing really other than catch up) for TWO hours.....its amazing how time flies. I was very chill, played it cool, and you know what I found? I didnt have to force "being chill" like I would have had to do a few short months ago. I saw progress within that call of myself. And Im proud of that. I wasnt giddy and I AM NOT reading into this call. AT ALL. But I had the self-control to pull it off, and for that I gave myself a secret little hug bec. I was not the one who broke the NC. Does it work? Well, like most people have written, ultimately it helps your sanity level, not theirs, regardless of whether or not you wind up back with them. Towards the end of our convo, she asked me if I wanted to go get dinner after work this week. I am going to do it, because I do miss her, miss the friendship as well as more but AM NOT going there AT ALL for a million reasons, and I would like to see her. Glad she did the invite, not me! When I thanked her for calling w/the b-day wishes and said I appreciated that, she then said to me, "Don't read into this"......I could not believe it. I replied very coolly to her that I said the same thing to the # of others who called to wish me the very same thing......I just had to laugh. Its like she's the one trying to convince herself, not me. I'm okay, I am moving forward with myself, and my life. Whether or not I have her in it. Sounds like she needs me more than I need her. She used to say stuff like that on a weekly basis the last 6months or so we hung out. Anyways, thanks for reading this. I appreciate all the help everyone's given me over the past four months I've been lurking around. You gain alot from so many different perspectives. I just wanted to give an update on my situation, esp bec. alot of us follow each other's stories and the whole NC thing. I will keep posting as things happen (or don't!). But for the record, I am calm and collected, happy that she called but not assuming that we are going to get back together or even be friends. Im not friends with exes, haven't been before, it doesnt work for me. So we'll see. In my case, NC has worked to help me grow stronger. I hope everyone else is doing allright, any comments/suggestions are always welcome. I am in the 30 Club now!

Oh, I'm trying. Trying to get out there and get some fresh oj or whatever....LOL. I think I read somewhere that the dumpers sometimes call their dumpees after a while of NC (when both parties are doing it)....and sometimes by the time they call, if they do, us dumpees might be at the point where it doesn't affect us either way. My 30th b-day is this wkend and if it had been 2 months ago or even 1 month ago it would have been total trauma for me. But, since NC has been implemented over a month and pretty much a great deal of the summer, this coming wkend will be no diff than any other recent wkend. Im not expecting a call and i won't freak out when it doesn't come. I didnt call her for hers in August, so with that and the NC and everything else, it's okay. And for that, I am proud of myself for being ok with this right now. Go Juice!

Thank you for your wise words. I think I needed to hear them tonight. I am still in my long, long process of healing, letting go, grieving, learning, all of it. Some days are better than others. I have some good things going on in my life, trying to get out there, make new friends, nothing romantic yet and I don't think I am ready for all that yet wrote down your juice quote, will be sharing w/some friends because I like it. And I will give credit where it is due............keep up your good work!

Seriously, don't get too upset about this. Sometimes it takes a couple of times to get NC off the ground and running. Just think, maybe you need a few more days before you're ready to go 'cold turkey'. And in 3 months from now, if you haven't spoken with your ex, think how strong you'll probably feel because you were able to do it. The first few days or even weeks sometimes won't matter in the long run. Sure, you'll still be in pain from everything, its not like you're going to forget this person so easily. And you also don't know if she may surprise you and call you, but hold your ground and don't read into it. Obviously, there were issues on one or both sides that made this breakup occur. As everyone says, use this time to work on yourself and surround yourself with healthy people to help get you strong and through it.

I don't know exactly what stage of grieving I'm in. I think I feel all of the emotions during a 7 day week at some point. Sometimes I believe it, sometimes I don't but yet I really know, sometimes I am angry, bitter, or sad and sometimes I miss her very much. NC for me had to be the only way. I definitely feel stronger in some ways, but still lonely alot of the time and I like my life to be nice and stable (don't we all!) and so much is up in the air right now. I know how much control I DON'T have, so I'm trying to just go with the flow. I guess it will all work out how it's supposed to. It would be nice to meet someone normal! LOL........ I just wanted to know people's thoughts on the NC theory. And why the dumpers keep momentos up of their dumpees when they do not want to be with them anymore. It seems a little weird to me. Even if they still "care" for you as a friend in their minds/hearts, wouldn't you just put those things away so you can move on, esp. if you initiated the breakup?

Hey Juha......maybe it's because the bear has your scent still on it? LOL......maybe our exes should get together and talk! I'd love to be on a 3rd part line for that one! LOL......... I think when exes do things like this and we find out about it inadvertently......to me, I guess it sounds like a security thing. I cannot understand that concept of thinking, because I am very much the kind of person who thinks, If I like you and you care about me, let's try this and figure it out together. I don't get off on pushing people away, playing games, and such. Wastes too much time and is DRAMA! So it is hard for me to get this type of behavior. My ex to my knowledge is not dating anyone or has slept w/anyone. She kept claiming for months she didn't want to be w/ANYONE, simply wanted to not have to answer to someone and just do her own thing. Which is fine, as long as you are NOT involving a 3rd party (such as myself) for when you want certain needs met but don't want to meet theirs. Why keep my pic up and not pics of her with her bar friends? That's who she pretty much is around most of the time now anyways....(don't know if she even has any of pics of those chicks). I guess it doesn't matter but it makes my brain tick. Is anyone else out there familiar with this, that maybe down the road you heard about from an ex's relative or something? Why do the dumpees still keep memorabilia of exes around? I mean, we're all human, most people even if they are dumpers are usually not EVIL, there may be some residual feelings but still.........if that other person is adamant they don't want to be with you, for whatever reason.....why would they keep a picture of you up in their bedroom .......or sleep with a teddy bear you gave them? ***sometimes i still look at pics of us, but I don't have them up in my house now. They are in their frames, I put them in a wooden chest I have so they are not in plain sight anymore.****

Jenny, thanks so much for your input. Everyone has been great with my post! What gets me through the NC is trying to keep busy and surround myself with positive people. I don't like bars because of the superficiality of that whole scene. And that is what my ex is drawn to mostly. That could be her way of dealing with what she went thru w/her LTR and the way that woman treated her for 9yrs. I felt like my ex took out alot of her anger & sadness & all the other stuff on me because I was around, and I guess, I allowed it. It wasn't like that all the time, we actually rarely fought. I don't like to fight anyway, who does, but I'm not the type who gets off on that. Having had a deep friendship w/someone before getting involved puts things on a WHOLE new level. I also don't think it's a good idea to hook up w/friends bec. of stuff like this......if u do, you better be pretty careful. I have no regrets here. You can't live life without going thru hard times. I know I have learned from this and will keep learning. I guess the rejection part is hard because I don't get it. If she ever should call me, I I would talk to her, or at least hear what she had to say. The situation would never go back to what it was because I won't allow that. And I know we would have to get to know each other again before we could develop anything......see, there's alot of "what if's" that come from this that I need not be worrying or wondering about right now. One step at a time. Makes me wonder what the higher powers have in store for me....for all of us, actually. I really like these boards. Free therapy from peers, how cool!

I agree with the posts above. I think that at this point the emotions are too fresh and you would be better off giving yourself and him time apart. It is really really hard, and I have been having to do this myself recently but at the very least you build up some of your own inner strength and will be better equipped to handle any interactions down the road.

Thanks, Juls28. I think what has made me personally stick to my NC is that for once I feel like I'm in control of something with this (now ex) relationship. I understand that my ex had been in a 9 yr LTR that ended right before us, and that the timing probably sucked, and I accept my part in it. However, I feel that it defies logic to sleep w/someone you claim to have absolutely no feelings for other than a "good friend", yet claim you don't sleep around (which I know she doesn't and hasn't since our mess really came to a head in June) and you claim you have to have feelings to even be intimate w/someone. It was like, she wondered why I had feelings for her when she kept telling me flat out how much she didn't want me! She is not somebody I can figure out in the least. It was alot of back and forth, hot & cold stuff and I tried to be respectful of all that. Even when I didnt call for her b-day in August, she was really pissed about it. Yet if I had, I believe she would have taken that as I wanted her and just didn't get the hint. D--- if you do, D----if you don't. Women!!! BTW, I'm not a control freak by nature, just didn't want to be a doormat anymore. I allowed it to go way to long. But I still miss her alot. We shall see what the future holds. I will be 30 on the 23rd and am trying to be positve for myself and my future. I've worked really hard to make my life be what it is today, and I hope that success translates over to my personal life as well.

See, Juha, that is how I feel. I miss her so much but right now I can't look at her like all that history isn't there. I feel a little better this morning because I talked w/one of her relatives whom I stay in close touch with. We talk mostly about our lives, I haven't talked much to her about this but my ex and I were around her so much that she knows. She is like a grandmother/mother to me. Today, she said that she was in my ex's bedroom recently and saw a photo of the two of us up in there. I'm not reading into that, but I can't say that didn't make me feel good! It doesn't necessarily mean anything, but I did feel a little happier than I have in recent days. I got some good words of encouragement from her so I feel more empowered right now. That feeling may fade in a few days, but Im holding onto it for now. She told me to keep up my NC and that my ex will probably call me sooner or later, and possibly when she has a few drinks in her to get up the nerve. But I am not stopping my life or the NC waiting on this. I still get worked up in my head about stuff. And I do miss the companionship. Its hard when you dont have that anymore, esp. with someone you knew so well and vice versa. Kudos to those out there who CAN be friends with an ex. My emotions won't allow it. It sucks but if i want friends i should go out and make them. If they didn't want to be with you why should you permit a friendship to go on, when there is mixed emotions and usually one person wants more than the other? I am still learning NC 101

Hey there, I read your post and even though I'm a little older than you, I can relate, being a gay female. I personally believe that relationships are relationships, regardless of the gender thing. Both gay and straight relationships have the same ups and downs; it really depends on the two people, their emotional/maturity levels, their personal prior life experiences, etc. Not to sound cliche, or to diminish the pain you are feeling, but you ARE young and have a lifetime of experiences awaiting you! I am sure you love your ex g/f. One of the most impt things you can do is realize that no matter what, ultimately YOU make your own happiness. By learning from your mistakes, and you will make them throughout life, will serve as your greatest weapon of defense. Alot of people tend to blame the other person or justify as to why breakups occur or why they did what they did or didn't do, etc. What you can do right now is work on yourself. Are you in high school or college? Are you making any goals or plans for yourself in that area? What about employment? What kinds of people do you associate with? Do you have friends or family members that you have a trust level/loyalty with that can help you? Most people can find at least one person to trust help them with something like this. As alot of people suggest, try to find a hobby or activity you like. Keep busy. Allow yourself to cry, but keep the focus on moving forward. Life is very funny, you never know if she may come back into your life somehow. But if and when she does, the best way you can be is to have worked on yourself FOR YOU so you have developed some of your own confidence. Not an ego. Just trying to do the best you can. And if it does not work out with this girl, TRUST ME there are plenty of other bright, capable women out there. And be careful about drug or alcohol usage.....not saying you are involved in that but don't use stuff like that to try and deal or not deal with this. I am familiar w/South Jersey, and there is lots to do around there. There are gay communities and resources if you do a little investigating. Hope this helps. Good luck to you, I have been in this position and it is very hard but you will make it, as long as you work on yourself and surround yourself the best you can with healthy people. There's alot of manipulative, insane people out there but just as many good ones, too.

I have been following this thread since it got posted. I actually printed up a # of pages to keep with me when I get down during the day at work and need a pick me up.......have my own situation going on with the whole NC thing so i can appreciate what this board has to offer. Everyone here has given great advice/support. Let's keep it forthcoming. I initiated my NC even though my ex did not want me out of her life; i think maybe a 'time out' at the most. Of course she wanted us to remain friends, and it wasn't about a 3rd person or cheating. She just wanted to supposedly be single for a while and do her own thing. Which i guess in a weird way, it's probably best to let a person w/that mindset just go on. I realize everyone's got a diff. situation, and no one's got a crystal ball, but do the dumpers usually call the dumpees if the dumpee initiated the NC? Alot of the time a dumper initiates NC, I guess. So how about the other way around?

Thanks your input. Someone should teach a course on NC, I swear! Like I said before, my personal reason for initiating and sticking with NC is because my ex g/f told me that I was a rebound after the 9yr rel. she was in ended...and we had been very good friends for a while prior. So there's all that history. Then going thru the cancer with her.....it's been alot of pain and joy at the same time. Things were growing distant between us for a while before the NC thing came into play. The whole time we were doing "whatever" she always said we were friends. We never were officially "together"...I just say my ex bec. we all but were. I just got tired of whatever we were being in no man's land.....no official status. I didn't get how she claimed to have no feelings for me, yet we did everything as though we were a couple. I tried to not pressure her because she has been through so much, and it became all about her over time. None of my needs were being met in any way, and when i tried to talk w/her about that, all she would say was "what it comes down to is you want me and i don't want you" or "i was vulnerable, you know where we stand?"....things like that. Yet this is a woman who does not sleep around and it wasn't about another person w/us. She wanted to be single for a while, party, live it up, whatever.....but liked the benefits of what I had to offer, a stable person. And you can't have it both ways. I guess I stuck around bec. we had a history and seemed to care for each other. I initiated the NC, I dont think she knew what i was doing or why. I still talk with some of her family members, as i got close to them. I hope she knows I care about her, Im sure she does, but I need comfort in my life,too. And I was pretty hurt and devasted at the end. I mean, how many times did she think I needed to hear her tell me how much she didn't want me? I got the hint the first time. Yet, she continued to stay with me, hang out with me, come to me first for all the comfort and companionship she needed. I would think she should have a void in her life too. Only diff is she parties and can bury those feelings and I don't know how to as I wear my emotions on my sleeve. And, yes, I take respons. because I allowed it to go on, but I really cared for her. There's not alot of people out there who will be sensitive to the fact she had a double mastectomy in terms of the whole intimacy thing. I wonder how she's doing physically, i think she is ok but this is Breast Cancer Awareness month and I am more aware of all of it. ---Back to the original thought/post, the NC is how I am keeping sane. It is better this way than to be around her only as a friend. She is very complex and i still don't get the whole friend vs. lover thing. But I can't look at her with all our history and view her simply as a 'friend' like i used to or how i view my other friends. Intimacy changes everything.