blueangel

The wall: "Watcha talking to me for?! I'm just sitting here minding my own business and before I know it, you start singing to me! What's up with that? Has the world gone craaazzzy???" hehe I'm weird Pretty decent song I must say LATER: you know what? I just read that again. It flows amazingly well and is actually quite clever, even if sorrowful. I took a lot out of it. Here's my favorite part: "Sleeping at night, dreaming a song Have I closed my eyes, did it last all night long? I'm somewhere else, I don't want to leave I'll give up my past, forsaking my grief Show me you eyes, so I'll say goodbye I think that you know, why I can't say "why" How amazing is that rhyme scheme and just the words you say? It's almost... perfect. I can imagine this being a song and doing really well.

Wait for it... wait for it... of peace

I feel ignored

indeed. Today, I woke up feeling comfortable with myself. I woke up still hating my friends and all of that, but today I actually feel comfortable enough to stick up for myself, not just hide passively in a corner. Like if they bring up any immature topics, I'm going to roll my eyes and go "Oh God. You people drive me crazy sometimes!" I'll do it "nicely" but secretly really mean it more angrily on the inside.

Chocolate- me too. also, here is a random thing: link removed gtg now.

link removed link removed link removed Anything good for your health always helps in some way. Try improving your overall health and your body becomes more able to handle and quickly eliminate stress and states of pain. Good luck.

I totally agree with all you just said (and may even try that!)

Hey, at least be thankful that you have friends, RoastedCarrot. I'm still working on that. It seems like you know what to do, you just were unsure of what actions to take because you are facing a lot alone. But you're not alone. Not here and I know you see that. The answer is somewhere. Maybe these doctors are not as professional as you might think. I'd say to really diagnose yourself, keep a journel or log of what things happens and when they really occur (like you said- when you are alone you feel more physical pain than with friends. It could be a reflection of emotional pain... or something deeper.) When you see a pattern, I mean really recorded pattern, you will have more to back up what you say and more to guide you where to go to for answers.

I used to get migraines too all the time when I was little. They would make me sick and in agony. Then, i went to a chiropractor and that all changed. He told me that when I had been pulled out as a baby, I was pulled in a way that my neck became completely straight. (it happens commonly especially years ago) That's like... a banana being straightened, except it's your bones. The nerves of my body were always iritated and that irritation affected mainly my brain because some shocks travel soley to there and no where else in body. My dad used to play barbies in front of me to make me laugh and distract myself from the migraine. Guess what- really laughing got rid of my migraine in a matter of SECONDS and helped more than pills ever did. Also, some foods out there work to prevent migraines the more you eat them over time. There are also foods out there to help strengthen your immunity. I'd look into that if I were you. Speaking of pills, I too was manipulated by doctors. They also half listened to my symptons and immediately made assumptions in a moment, rather than giving any sort of real evaluation of my brain and the chemical balances of it (a test which IS available though it costs) I was put on wellbutrin which is a pill supposed to make you more focused on more "uppidy" emotions- in my case, this uppidy feeling was anxiety which led to panic attacks as my dosage was increased by doctors. Knowledge is power, my dear. Learn as much as you can through the tools around you (like internet or any type of research) and diagnose YOURSELF first before you visit a doctor again. Let them confirm what you need, not completely introduce it. (I mean, you SHOULD be able agree with them. You're the one experiencing your symptons and side effects so YOU have valid input. If there's conflict, that doctor is not reading into your situation carefully enough. Some have been in the field for so long or have had their minds filled with SO much info that their decisions are made soley on what they've been told rather than their own discoveries. A problem in our society and medical field! Or some have simply stopped trying because they think they know all the answers and thereforeeee pass by what works for YOU and your unique situation... ever notice doctors never see your case as unique but one they've heard before so they just know the answer right away? That is a problem!) Keep trusting your intuition. If you want natural supplements, I'd say start by exploring that before you get into anything extremely manmade like antidepressents. I found that antidepressents never helped my moods- only changed the time periods I had them around (like a switch or an alteration), but vitamins made a difference. Women's One A Day vitamin has actually made a difference for me. Running in the morning does too. Fruits and vegies and silk soy milk also has made an impact on my moods and the way I feel about myself. Really gift giving during Christmas (from the heart) fulfills my soul and that feeling lasts long after I hand my niece a meaningful gift because I know I can make an impact, like by specifically giving a song list I put together of healing and intimate songs for her (my neice) as well as the little Christian book called, "You Are Special" about Wemmicks (wooden people that are supposed to represent humans). Giving advice on here does something also. Anything that warms the soul heals it. And like I said above, laughter- real laughter heals pain extremely fast.

Recognize the want and realize it may not be fulfilled. After accepting this, you should approach him.

That is GREAT advice. I just wish my teachers were more pleasant to talk to! LOL We'll see. I'm going to attempt for the first time ever to talk to my mom about this. ^_^ Okay dokay, I want to be talked to about life now in general some more. How emotionally can I stabilize myself when I really have nothing on the outside to hold onto (except way in the future type goals). And yes, I am asking this because I really want to know... and also because I'm-still-stalling on my homework.

I don't know the right path for you but i think you should at least communicate to your girlfriend that you feel a little sufficated/confused about things and are having the urges to experience life being single. Don't say this all in break up form. Simply talk to her about it to see what she thinks. She may even feel the same way (usually with the dying of a spark, both parties notice)

I'm looking it up on amazon right now. ok I looked at it. It doesn't seem right for a high school student, but also as I was looking, I noticed it got some good ratings. The next time I stop at a bookstore, I'll check it out. This actually made me want to look into other books to help the adolescence through school, study tips and what not. Maybe I'll find one.

Anywhere (appropriate, mister!) that skin is revealed and especially slide fingers down back, also the neck and as you pull away from kissing, briefly touch her face to look into her eyes and smile at her. When you kiss, be a powerful kisser. I've learned that the more gentle the kiss and the more light, the less it feels good. So press hard and angle your head to the side a bit (but not like a vampire!) Explore and do what feels right to you. What you like, she will probably also enjoy.

My relationship with my family is pretty superficial to nonexistent. I barely talk with my friends, even about normal to silly stuff. I realize that I do need a meaningful social outlet. Perhaps that is why I was led here a few years ago. but yes, Happy Turkey Day. Gobble Gobble! (you know what I'd love right now? a good movie and mint chocolate chip icecream, but that will never do. I have homework that i'm still stalling on!)

I... don't know honestly. That would be nice though. I'm going to look that up right now. Answer: We have a YESS program, but it doesn't exactly deal with homework organizing help. It's more of a counseling program for students going over the edge. My recent problems are mainly lack of stress managing skills and lack of real productivity in school. If they helped people for that in school, they would have the whole school to help. Tutoring is not available for the difficult classes I'm taking- College Argument and College Writing. I need what I learn gone over with someone after I learn it, individually because I don't process auditory teaching as well. I lose focus. I dont know what I'd really need tutoring specifically about, just that I need that support and push while doing work... someone beside me. I overwhelm myself, distract myself and put things off. I am usually unprepared for class. I finish homework five minutes before it starts- not good! I'm not sure what to do about this. I'm getting by okay I guess.

Meh. In school, I need more individual recognition from peers and especially from teachers. I cant study or do homework without guidance and reassurance of what to do. I'm just like that. I wont move until I find a perfect preplanned direction. I become paralyzed and I procrastinate without help. So this "brilliant" mind just fades in real life. My childhood ended long ago. Probably the moment I started having traumatic panic attacks because I felt guilt and grief about my stepmom's death... and thought she was haunting me. I saw and felt things that should never happen to anyone. Yeah, that would have an effect on my social life and ability to cope with stress from then on, huh? The last week of school last year was spent in a hospital. It was strange and very lonely. I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone or grab phone numbers since I was absent for school's end. I lost contact with many potential friends. It doesnt help that earlier that year the friends I did have turned against me and harassed me for a short while. I escaped to music to deal. It makes me sad to think back on all of that.

I just wish I knew what to do with myself. It feels like no one in the whole world knows me! During the day, I get trapped in my negative thoughts about myself. I've realized that not only am I judgmental to myself but i hold back from EVERYONE I know, and to those who get close enough, I just push away. Every solid step I climb slips somehow. Nothing feels tangible or real. I'm in my head and can't get out! The friend who is mean to me just talks down to me a lot, but she does it in such a casual way that it doesn't seem like she's purposely being mean. Still, her and I are going our separate ways. I'm not too sad about losing her but I am self conscious anymore about my lack of friends. I am extremely lucky to have some still from the past who have remained friendly to me...but from afar. My inner voice just feels unheard. I've fought my whole life to get noticed in a deeper way. That's why I do lean towards spiritual thinking and giving when I can. It reminds me that I am more than just this outside identity and I am smart even though I am totally lost in school. I guess time... I just have to wait for time to pass. (I really like being talked to right now. thank you!)

I have so much work ahead of me. I want to get into a good college. My parents don't have a lot of money so I'll have to take out loans or apply for a scholarship. I am gaining college credits at school and will need a college that accepts these. I want a liberal arts college, with a creative writing degree... English... and in education. I want a teaching degree for anywhere in the US at a highschool level. I have also done community service and am on the school Newspaper. I'm thinking of Temple University...but doing the city might be a bit of a culture shock for me who lives in suburbia all of my life. All this written above makes it seem like I have a lot of knowledge (sorta) on what I want and where I'm going, but my grades aren't great. I'm starting a project today late and I lost my rubric and can't get a hold of anyone for help. My history grade is gonna go DOWN!!! Way down. I know I have to find out what The Great Depression prices were versus today for food, but the internet is EVIL and I cant find any straight answers to that. To make matters worse, my bookbag broke. It just ripped from the weight of the books inside.

I feel like an idiot. I feel so stupid and horrible and lazy like I want to give up. I can't aquire any guidance. No one helps me to find solutions or become involved in my life. My friend Jessica started being mean to me recently. I cannot focus to do my school work nor do well in class in general. I need more directions and this I constantly feel deprived of. I wish someone would work with me so I am not alone I have no idea how to get anywhere in this life. My style is awful in my opinion. I wish my parents would buy me things and take care of me well (not saying I'm a hopeless case, just average in this area- but it drives me crazy) I don't have a work ethic. I can't get anything right. I know I have the mind but not the guidance or direction. I am becoming lost among the crowd, with no friends and loserlike behavior. What is sad is that I'm actually quite beautiful and tall and model-like, but I can't connect with anyone. My compatibility with the existing friends I have is sinking. Like I said, my one friend has been very mean to me yet extremely kind to others. My boyfriend lives far away and our relationship feels built on so little, but I'm so scared of losing him and winding up with someone I don't want to be with. He has almost all of the qualities I'm looking for, but I don't really have feelings. I am just sad and mad at myself. It feels unending.

We are attracted to what we choose. It's a subconscious choice that builds from our ideas of what works for us and what doesn't. It isn't a good thing to be attracted to children. Sexual things are too much information for a child to take in. They are small developing people who can only handle so much at a time. The thing is, you are human. If you have these urges, there is a chance you may act on them someday out of repression and frustration. This means you must monitor and discipline yourself. A therapist is what you need to keep you in such a mindset. In the meantime, focus on other priorities. Focus on growing the other areas of who you are.

link removed Wherever there is awareness, there is chance for change. Wherever someone admits their own truth, they have an oppertunity arisen of acceptance and comforting Wherever someone cries for help, another will hear Wherever someone shovels out their sin, a new treasure will be found But remember: "the doors of hell are locked from the inside." It's time for you to look in different places. It's time to walk a higher path The one made for you And made real BY you. You have a lot of time to fix everything. It takes small steps But many are walking with you Many also feel disgusting and ashamed and tormented and alone They too have no one to love them fully And in this world, nothing really ever becomes full Because we are awaiting the arrival of the next. If you were to go to it before you are called You will have wasted your life and that's the real darkness But since you are living, you are life itself right now You must not waste yourself but rather create who you want to be By remembering... who you really are. John 16:33-"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart: I have overcome the world." (Jesus) “People who sin say this: That they had to, to survive. People who sin say this: That’s it’s too late to stop now. The shadow called Sin dogs them steadily from behind, without a word. Remorse and Agony are to be repeated, to finally end up at Despair. But sinners don’t know that if they turned around, there is a light…a light which keeps shining on them ever so warmly. A light that will never fade.” -Trigun >You are loved, child. All of you are. No matter what you have done or where you have come from. There is something that saves... it lies in the core of each of us. A connection to something greater. To something deeper. The pain we feel makes our being more real- it reminds us the depth of our soul and that we are greater than shallow and selflish wanderings Live. You will find reasons to stay.

Have your fun with a list: Bad Qualities: _______ Okay Qualities: ________ Qualities I Needed (and what I'll look for next time): ______ Bad Memories: ______ Good Memories: _________ Why I Need To Say Goodbye: ________- And then lastly, say goodbye. Then write a list of new priorities for while you are single and what to pursue When your mind won't let go of something, it's because it still wants to look there.

Anyone can become a soulmate the moment you adjust yourself to them in your life. The factors it depends on is mainly who you are and how they are similar. I have found more than one passing soulmate for myself in this world- ones who have hit me with love or hate- and then went away and in doing so, changed and affected me forever... slowly as well as quickly... sometimes blindly or full of sight.

What justifies crossing the line into purposed death? Is there ever a good enough justification? I think not. One common thing I hear is that people feel basically ALONE within their struggles and UNABLE to guide themselves this way. What do you live for when you are at this point? That is the question. The answer goes beyond the fact that others have suffered worse and would have wanted TO be in your place (thereforeeee do not take for granted what you HAVE). It falls into the category of, "Are there deeper reasons to live that I cannot find?" (Yes.)