Jaela

I'm a huge daydreamer as it is, so my mind is always wandering, hehe. But ya, I find myself thinking about my last guy, and I need to mentally kick myself, to force myself to pay attention.

why are you only getting it once a week? Assuming you are in a steady relationship, of course... I haven't had sex in over two months, sigh....

Well PartlySunny, you were the one to break it off. What has your NC taught you? What is it you'd like to see happen now with this relationship? You're in a kind of tricky situation because he asked you explicitly not to contact him again. You can only hope now those words were said in passion and anger, in the moment of things, and were not really meant. If you truly love him, it should not be about pride. SorryJason, I love your analogy. When someone hurts us or we get dumped, we become these desperate people hanging over a cliff, clinging onto a twig that will snap. Instead of wasting energy trying to claw our way back up (impossible) or trying to make the twig miraculously not snap, we should all be concentrating on how we are going to survive the fall down.

Goofy, are you emotionally and mentally prepared to sit down and talk with her right now? If not, continue with NC until you feel stronger. If you think you can handle it, I would sit down and see what's on her mind. Its true NC is for you in the sense that it will help you heal more efficiently, The pitfall is if you meet with her and it sets you back emotionally to the painful start of step 1 again. If she's still unsure of her feelings, it's not fair for you to be strung along while she tries to figure them out. Continue on with your life and have faith. If you two are truly in love, it will work out. She needs to know what she wants though.

What does she say in her calls/emails?

I think it depends on the situation. If you've been dumped or the person you love is asking you for space, you need to accept it and give them whatever they need. The best you can really do is let them know you're there for them if they need you. I don't see NC as giving up, not at all. When you truly love or care about someone, you want to see them happy, right? If things aren't right for them, you need to let them go. NC allows you the time and space to heal.

Hi guys! I've been sitting here with my cup of tea and reading through SuperDave's posts (Love them, btw!) I'm recently coming out of a very painful situation, and have found it very healing to peruse many of these posts. Anyway! I just thought of something very positive that I wanted to share with you all on NC I had developed a crush on one of my friends that I grew up with, and literally had this crush on him for almost ten years. We drifted apart after high school and came back in touch a few years later. I finally decided to bite the bullet and tell him my true feelings, my crush was driving me crazy. Well, it turns out he rejected me ... kind of. When I told him I had deeper feelings for him, he basically took advantage of the situation and leaned over to kiss me. Things led to another, and we shared a pretty passionate experience (no sex though, but he tried!). Only afterwards did he decide to let me know that he didn't want a relationship, he wanted his freedom right now, blah blah blah. I was crushed. I couldn't believe he had done that to me. Here I was pining away for him even WORSE. It was months of agony. He was a lifelong friend, but I couldn't deal with what had happened. Emotionally, I wasn't strong enough. I remember the nights spent crying, the weird moments I'd drive by his house (just to glimpse his car in the driveway, haha) or the way my heart would fall out if his car wasn't there. My heart would drop out and I'd wonder, where is he? Whos he with? I realized I needed to stop torturing myself, and thus began STRICT NC with him. Eventually, the pain subsided. I moved on and a few months later started dating another guy. The pain with my friend was still there, but it became more and more distant, more a memory. Soon I stopped wanting to call him, stopped thinking about him, stopped wondering about him .... all because I had pushed him from my life. It's been a bit over a year, but wouldn't I be damned if a few weeks ago, my friend didn't contact me? He wanted to know how I was doing. He expressed regret over his decision, he seemed to genuinely miss hanging out. He also wanted to pursue more. But, my feelings were gone. There was no more pain, no more emptiness. Him and I are able to be distant friends again. Perhaps one day if he asked me out, I might accept, but I doubt it. I'm ready to move forward, and not go backwards. The point is though, I have control of my emotions. There was a time I would've jumped through hoops for him. I remember at the time I felt that experience was literally killing me. It was so hard to get through. But somehow, I did it! You will all get there eventually, I promise! Nooooooo contact! Heal yourselves!

It's ok Lostwithlove, I'm going through this stage as well. If you've read any of my previous posts, the guy I've been seeing for three months just vanished on me last week. No goodbye, no explanation, nothing. The hurt and betrayal I feel is astonishing. But I know that in time my heart will heal, and I will learn to trust again. It's difficult to invest your emotions in someone and have them so callously tossed away. If you need to talk, pm me. We'll get through this, promise.

what a wonderfully inspiring post, it really made me smile at work. Thanks for sharing your experience!

Yeah, I worded it kind of funny - I apologize for the confusion. I'm doing a bit better today. I still think about him quite a bit which I'm not too happy about, but I know it will fade in time. Now I'm trying to mentally prepare myself to get back out there and dating again. So! A good experience to talk about! I was out with my three of my friends the other night at a cosy little pub, enjoying a glass of wine. My friend kept insisting this guy in a black shirt was 'checking me out' from accross the bar. I thought she was insane and didn't really pay it much attention. Well, one of his friends knew one of my friends, so he came over to say hi to her. Then he asked what he could do to get an introduction for one of his friends. She asked who wanted to be introduced to who - he said, his friend in the black shirt wanted to be introduced to me! It was a pleasant surprise. The guy was very, very nice, and cute! I just don't know if my heart can handle casual dating right now though. Thank you everyone for your wonderful replies and support. I really do wish Mike the best and do want to see him happy. I may never understand why he chose to handle things this way, but I realize it's out of my control.

Lostwithlove, you may need to distance yourself from her for a bit, in order to heal. If being in contact with her will continue to affect you this badly, is this worth doing to yourself? If she needs space right now, respect that. Let her know youre here if she needs you, and back away. It's all you can do. Wish her the best, and toss it into the universe. That which we love, we need to let go. If it loves us, it will return. Use time for yourself right now, and stop dwelling. There is a cure for a broken heart, by the way, one that will allow you proper time to heal. It's called No contact.

Where are all these 5'10" and taller men? At an annoying 5'9 1/2", I find many guys who are the same height or shorter feel shy or intimidated by my height. I love personality, so I mean, height is just another physical attribute that doesn't detract from someone's heart. I def wouldn't be opposed to dating someone who's shorter.

I agree wholeheartedly with DN. This situation could progress into something extremely dangerous. Yikes, she hits you?? No one deserves that. A bit off topic, but I recently left a relationship with a man where the sex and emotional connection was intense. But areas outside the actual intimacy started deteriorating, and his temper became more and more violent. I finally found the strength to walk away for good when he threw a chair at me and almost broke my kneecap. These situations rarely get better, especially without active therapy involved. Find a woman who deserves your affection. I'm sure you will experience great sex again, with someone far less violent.

If what he says is true, his gf sounds mentally unstable - and cheating on her is 10x worse than actually being honest with her and breaking it off. She's emotionally blackmailing him, and he needs to get out of the unhealthy relationship. A few red flags are being raised here - if he's actually hinted at cheating on her, he may very well do the same to you if you ever became seriously involved with him. If he's unhappy in his current relationship, he needs to end it. I would proceed with caution. Don't continue to rearrange your life for this guy. He sounds a bit unreliable. Good luck!

well, if it were me, I'd examine why I felt this way about the person. If they were for justifiable reasons, I wouldn't feel guilty feeling the way I did towards them. I would accept their flaw and be wary of it. If I felt anger or bitter at them, then I might need to work towards some kind of forgiveness with them within myself, if that makes sense? I generally don't talk 'bad' about others for the sake of talking bad or gossiping. I try to check myself to make sure I have a good reason for saying what I am. If it gets back to them, it would be things I'd say straight to their face anyway. Why do you feel guilty about feeling something you mean? Be proud you had the guts to put a voice to that. All right, I'm half kidding. You should refrain from talking nasty about anyone. Have you tried discussing the issue you have with the person in question in a calm manner, and not in a gossipy backbiting way? It would throw the issue out there for discussion, and perhaps help alleviate your feelings of guilt. I don't know the exact situation though.

I really hope karma comes around and bites these guys and gals who pull this type of crap in the butt. I'm sooo freaking mad. I keep going from sadness, to anger, to disbelief, to just bursting out in tears at the most random times. It really is ridiculous. I know it's horrible, but I hope someday he feels what this is like. This guy is worth nothing, and has definitely proven what an absolute coward he is. Well, after swearing up and down I wouldn't contact him, I kept having this re-occurring dream last week. In my dream, I am meeting tons of interesting men (who they are change nightly), flirting with them, in general feeling very happy and confident while enjoying the company. At the end of my dream though, my phone is always in my hand. I glance down and realize Mike hasn't called, and never will. Suddenly I burst into tears and wake up very sad. After having this dream ending over and over, I realized I needed to do something. I found myself becoming a phone watcher, and a part of me dying inside each time I glanced and saw he still hadn't called. Having the dream over and over was almost more than I could bare. So, since I had all ready called and politely asked him to call me, which he completely ignored, this was my last point of contact with him, a message I sent a week later, which friends encouraged me to send; "Is there a reason you have me on ignore? I don't deserve this Mike and you know it. You are really hurting me right now. All I've ever wanted was for you to be honest with me, and for you to be happy. I can not believe I have to do this with you over a text message. Is this really how you want to leave things between us? Will you please call me and tell me what is going on?" I know I shouldn't have sent it, and I also realize I can't force him to contact me. But at least for now, thankfully, my bad dream ending has stopped. And I feel cleansed in a way. Hell, if I drop off this planet tomorrow at least he'll know how I felt. But no more, he is never getting another piece of me again. oh btw, for those wanting to actually get back together with the person, I wouldn't recommend doing what I did because it surely only pushed him further away. But at this point, I don't care. He's not going to get away with this and then have me sit in silence about it. I feel I deserve an explanation, but now I am truly ready to accept I will never find my answers, and it is time to let it all go. Now comes strict NC ... After I sent him that last message, I erased him from my phonebook. Today I erased all the sweet voice messages he's left me the past few months, that I had saved in my phone. Earlier I burst out crying as I listened to them all one last time. I hate that I allow him to effect me this way. It seems so cheesy but I cried because I was about to erase my last connection to him ... hearing his teasing voicemails was the only thing I had left of him, or us Now they are gone, he is gone ... I will be stronger for this. I have other emotional issues going on too ... my ex just contacted me out of nowhere and wants to reconcile! *gulp* Sorry for the rant all, it is healing for me just to release here as well. I know he's not worth my time or my heart for doing this, but even that realization doesn't stop the hurt right now Thank you truly for all of your responses. There are good ones out there, right?

I'm sure at one point she did care very deeply, especially if she was bringing up marriage with you. But, as mentioned, people change, feelings change... I don't think you did anything wrong at all. You and your ex were just not meant to be, that's all. Wish her the best, and cut off contact. Somewhere out there is a really great gal waiting for you. Don't let self doubt consume you. You deserve the best. And you'll only find closure within yourself, as much as it sucks to say. Time will eventually heal and you'll find peace with the situation. And some day you will think in your mind (taken from another thread on this forum) ... "Frankly my dear, I really don't give a damn!"

I too crumbled and sent a text I probably 'shouldn't' have. Now I leave my phone in my car, or I leave it in my bedroom when I go out and retrieve/return phone calls at the end of the day. By not carrying it around with me, I'm not tempted to pick it up and use it in a way I'll regret later. *hugs* Be strong, your emotions are all over the place right now. But it will get better with time, I promise.

Apologies HajiMaji, I was typing this at work, not paying attention, and for some reason thought you were female. adjusted my post accordingly... Has anyone else experienced this? Dating someone for a few months or longer, then just having them disappear? Maybe this is more normal than I realize?

I should have been a bit more clear, RayKay - I didn't initially pursue, but I reciprocated after a week or two; he definitely knew I was interested. I'm feel so hurt and small. But you are right, it's better to know this about his character now before things became even more serious. I don't understand the 'didn't have the heart to tell you he'd found somebody else' comment, because just disappearing on a person has got to be one of the worst things ever HajiMaji I can not even imagine what it would be like if this happened with someone I was in a very close, longterm relationship with. Thank you for your kind and comforting words. How long were you and your ex together? How did you cope with the situation? so you still haven't heard anything about her, she just dropped off the planet without any type of explanation ??

Hi guys, I was seeing a guy consistently for almost three months. I was starting to develop deeper feelings towards him, and then one day he just disappeared. He never even gave me the respect or courtesy to sit me down to tell me he felt things weren't working between us, or that he didn't want to see me anymore. I'm hurting so much inside. I can't stop blaming myself for what has happened. How do I heal when someone I genuinely cared about has treated me so badly. He did not even view me as worthy enough to close our relationship in a proper and amiable way. He just fell off the planet. How could I have been so stupid I've called him and left him a voice mail asking him to contact me. A week later, I left him a text message asking him what was going on, again with no response. I know I need to let go, I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I'm so angry at him for being such an insensitive creep, and a spineless coward who couldn't be honest with me. week after week after week he would ask me out. I never pursued, I never did anything! He completely strung me along. Sorry, I just need to vent. I'm in shock he's done this to me. I would never imagine this man could be this way.

If you have any question on whether you love her or not, and if you know for certain you would never marry her, you are doing the right thing. Feel proud of yourself

I wouldnt tell an ex if I was dating, unless it was asked and then I would answer honestly. But it's not information I would offer since it's really none of their business.

"Youre the sh*t on my shoes" when he thought I had lied to him (and later found out I really hadn't) "Youre a bar wh*re" - when I wanted to go have a few drinks with my girlfriends He bought me a baby rose bush for Valentine's Day, attached with a little poem he had written for me. Later we got into an argument and he said, "I hope you choke on your flowers" obviously an ex now

Oh lord, what a loser. You deserve so much better.