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DN

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Everything posted by DN

  1. DN
    It doesn't seem to me as if either of them were fully convinced of the other's position. She said "I thought he understood" not "He said he understood." Both of them seem to be convinced that they can change each other's mind about sex and apparently neither of them can. That doesn't make either of them wrong and it doesn't mean he is 'whining' about wanting sex anymore than she is 'whining' about refusing it. Pejorative terms are unlikely to help resolve this situation nor are they likely to help riverlady deal with a similar issue if it comes up again - as it probably will. She might be better advised to state her views about sex before marriage clearly near the beginning of a relationship and end it quickly should the man indicate by word or deed that he is of a different opinion. It is easy to say that once someone says they are not interested in sex before marriage that is the end of the matter but that ignores the reality of relationships. People have been known to change their minds about things like this.
  2. DN
    Apparently he did not accept it: It seems this is an ongoing issue; she was made aware of his views and could just as easily avoided that path. She also was mistaken to have assumed she could change his mind.
  3. DN
    But on the other hand people could also be telling him that if you truly loved him you would understand that he has a different viewpoint about sex before marriage and do what he wanted. I really think you would be well advised to stop trying to blame him for this - it won't serve you but will just make you bitter and angry and make it harder for you to find someone who shares your ideas.
  4. DN
    My advice is to break off the engagement but do whatever it takes to get the ring back even if that means being slightly devious.
  5. DN

    Should I call her?

    DN replied to Jim09's topic in Dating Advice

    What would happen if you asked her out and she said 'no'? Not much except a certain but temporary embarrassment and the knowledge that you are now even more free to ask someone else.
  6. DN
    I think it's a great idea. Just don't go overboard with expense. Or maybe get a potted plant for her new desk or workspace if she has one.
  7. DN
    I agree. Tell him that you feel that both of you made a mistake the way that you handled things and that you think people in a relationship should be able to help each other through problems and crises - not allow them to push you apart. Tell him you would very much like to see if you can put this relationship back together by working through the problems together.
  8. DN
    Welcome to eNotAlone. Do you want to get back together with him?
  9. DN
    Much depends on whether your expectations of sensitivity are reasonable or unreasonable. For instance: are you being too demanding, are you giving as much as you expect back?
  10. DN
    Well, he doesn't seem to be saying he doesn't want a family at all - just not yet. I would ask him if he has changed his mind about having children and if he says he has not then tell him that you should both come to an agreement as to when and under what circumstances you will start. Be very careful that you don't give him the impression that you view him more as a father for your children rather than as a husband to you. Few men would appreciate being looked on in that way by their wives - most would question whether they made the right decision in getting married and it would certainly make them question the wisdom in starting a family.
  11. DN
    I guess the obvious thing is to stop going to her for advice when you have a fight with your boyfriend. In fact, avoid talking to her about him altogether.
  12. DN
    Judging from your previous posts about your boyfriend I highly doubt that he would say such a thing if he were about to break off the relationship - it just wouldn't be in character as you have described him.
  13. DN
    Is it possible that he is still concerned that those issues have not been properly sorted out and that a baby may make things worse and not better? He may need more time to be sure that the marriage is strong enough for him to risk having children just yet. With the number of divorces these days he may worry that he could end up a part-time Dad.
  14. DN
    This is the fifth thread that you have started on this subject. The advice will be much the same as it was the other four times. Thread closed.
  15. DN
    I think the 'positive reinforcement' that you are doing now is the way to go. I doubt that it would push him away. He seems to need reassurance that this was something of an aberration over the last few months and not how your lives would be in the future (and I believe this to be the case). It is true he should have brought these things up before but I can see why he would not - and anyway that is now somewhat beside the point. What is important is that he did explain how he felt and is still with you. He could have just kept his feelings bottled up until it was too much to bear and then left. But he didn't. What has happened is that your relationship has been wounded and you are in the early process of healing. Both of you have been hurt and are anxious not to be hurt again so it is only natural that there will be times when he (and you) seem skittish). Given the right treatment (essentially what you are doing now) those feelings will be diminished. And just like a bone that is broken or a virus that has been fought off your relationship will probably emerge from this stronger provided that a similar wound is not inflicted again.
  16. DN
    I have to say that I might agree with melrich if the relationship was considerably longer than four and half months. But for her to react as she has to his reluctance to commit to marriage after such a short time is, in my opinion, scary. He was not unkind in the way that he expressed his reluctance, in fact he was remarkably tactful. But instead of conceding that he has a right to his point of view, especially about something as important as marriage, she becomes accusatory and spiteful. She shows little or no concern for his feelings or concerns but can only see her own. This does not augur well for a relationship especially a marriage. I would be very hesitant to continue a relationship with someone who reacts like this when she does not get what she wants.
  17. DN
    It seems you have been patient and as understanding as you can - and that you have tried everything to get this issue resolved but she is simply not interested in sex or discovering why she isn't. I doubt that giving her an ultimatum would work because she would be doing it for the wrong reasons and it would be unlikely to last. If sex is as important to you as it is to most people then I think you have to realise that this relationship isn't going to work for you. It is hard to accept that reality but I think you must.
  18. DN
    I think you may be right that you have over-reacted a tad about this. It's understandable and it is actually good that you have posted about it on here because the negative reactions that you got about him made you realise that maybe he isn't that bad after all. Perspective is key and sometimes it takes other people trashing our significant others to make us appreciate their good points.
  19. DN
    Well, actually you broke up with him. Perhaps that is what he wanted to happen but it may not have been. He may just have had great difficulty articulating what was wrong. It might have been better if you had simply said 'take a couple of days to think about what's wrong and let me know so we can talk about it.'. It's not too late for that approach now.
  20. DN
    Ask her out - now. This very minute. Go on, stop reading this and call her.
  21. DN
    I think it looks pretty good from here. If he were going to leave you I think he would have by now. You seem to be handling it well by demonstrating your closeness to him without suffocating him and the longer you can do that the more things will improve. In that sense - time is on your side.
  22. DN
    Well, not just under 25 - my daughter is 26 but her fiancé is into his thirties.
  23. DN
    It is your decision if you are able to forgive his cheating. Many relationships have survived infidelity and often for the reasons that you are prepared to forgive. Your main issue at the moment is to be careful not to build up your hopes too high. It is possible the thing with this girl won't workout but I would not advise relying on that.
  24. DN
    Welcome to eNotAlone. Could the difference in his view be that the weekend away that you wanted would cost money he doesn't have or wants to save whereas this trip is to stay with a friend and that the cost will be comparatively minimal? I doubt it would occur to anyone to invite their significant other on a boy's or girl's only weekend trip.
  25. DN
    I think that may have been true a generation or two ago for people with a certain mind-set but I think it is now so out of date as to be of little value for younger people who think and act in ways much less formal. My daughter and her fiancé never actually went out on a formal date which he planned in advance. They met at work, hung out in a group and only gradually did they start doing things together. Their experience is not at all unusual for people of their generation. Slightly off-topic but now I come to think about it - my elder daughter met her husband at work as well. So perhaps the advice that people give on here about not dating people from work should be also be viewed with caution.
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