vortex

I appreciate that this topic might have been covered before, but this is all new to me. So, any help or advice would be welcome. I have a friend who is anorexic. I've only known her for a about 6 months and we've never met in person. Anyway, when I met her she did tell me that she was anorexic/boulimic. She's 20 and says she's suffered from anorexia since she was 16. I think at the time and for a long time I didn't quite understand what that involved. I knew that it was an eating disorder, but to what extent it could affect someone I didn't realise, and that's partly why I'm here. We became very close. She couldn't understand why anyone would have any interest or even like her (let alone love her). Inititally she tried to push me away, saying that eventually I would end up getting hurt. I wasn't there to be a hero or save her from anything, I was there 'cause I genuinely liked her - she's an intelligent, interesting, sensitive young lady. Anyway, she went away for three months on a work placement for university. Shortly after she came back, suddenly, for no apparent reason, she just pushed me away completely, totally, brutally. She was someone else, someone I didn't recognise. During her placement we were still in touch, still very close. She refuses to talk about her experience there, but from what I gather, the anorexia got worse and she's actually suffering the physical/psycological consequences of that. She kept saying that she doesn't want to use me and that's why she had to push me away. She insisted that she didn't need my help, refusing to understand that as a friend, I care for her and I simply want to be there if she needs me. So possibly, she didn't want to "need" me. I did fight back, each time she pushed me away, I kept coming back. Ultimately (as she predicted at the very beginning of our frienship), I was hurt. So I kept my distance, if thats what she needs right now I have to respect that. Every now and then we would exchange a few words. But I feel there's like two sides of her: the one I knew before her trip and the one she is forcing herself to be. I know for a fact that she is suffering a lot, physically and psychologically, but I have to stay here silently and this kills me. I know that this is all due to the anorexia, but I don't know WHAT to do. Those who have loved ones who are anorexic, please share your experience. How can we cope with this? How can we help without making things worse for them?

HoneyBunch Really sorry to hear about what your sister, your family and yourself are going through. That was a loud cry for help there, but the good thing is that your sister DOESN'T want to die. She wants and she needs help. For her there seems like there was no way out, she's tried every avenue in her power (and we aren't very powerful when we are depressed). Like everyone else have already said, she needs you guys around, she needs your support and love (don't overdo it though, she'll feel it straight away). She definitely needs counselling, talking is one of the best therapy. She's obviously depressed, so I don't know if anti-depressant might be an option (not that I recommend it, I'm no doctor). As for her studies, she'll need extra help to organise herself, she'll need someone to "take her by the hand" and help her step by step to plan things and get back on track. As a family you should consider the options available, if she decided to take a break from school now and go back next year perhaps. I'm not saying that that's what she should do, but maybe she needs a break, only her can tell how she feels. Also, I know you mentioned that your parents don't want anyone else to know. But perhaps your parents should discuss this with her tutors at school and see what they could do to help her to catch up with her studies. I know this is tough for you and I know how hopeless things must appear to your sister right now - I've been in her shoes once (suicide attempt during final yr exam). Just be there for her and do everything to boost her self-confidence. Self-confidence is the road to recovery. All the best.

If you're not over her, then : NO CONTACT. Do not open pandora's box!

No I don't regret staying. It's been tough, really tough. I used to miss the other woman like hell for the first few months. But now the withdrawal phase is over and I feel so much better. Lust and obsession can so easily be confused with love. Then again, what is love? I realised the above afterwards. An affair is unhealthy and can only cause pain and confusion. Of course, there's the excitement part of it, but hell, its not worth all the mess. My relationship with my partner is recovering, slowly but surely. For the first time in a long time, my heart beats when I think of her and I truly desire her. This whole affair has, in some way, forced us to put our feelings into perspective and to reconsider our life as a couple. NO, I DON'T REGRET STAYING. My only regret is the pain and hurt that I caused both women during my "confusion" phase.

I do not wish to generalise things, I appreciate that everybody is different and situation differs. However, Shadow Light, I can totally relate to what you said. thereforeeee, I wouldn't be so surprised that the same thing might be true of Lotus Flower's lover. Lotus Flower, I appreciate that this isn't an easy issue to deal with. I wish you all the best. Hope you find the strength to fight this emotional and mental dilemma. Take care

After an affair, it's usually hard for the cheater to forget about the other woman, after he's gone back to his wife/partner and kids. Theses aren't the kind of things that you just forget with the flcik of a thumb. Unfortunately, you are also struggling to forget and thats totally understandable, totally normal. However, he seems to be making an effort and invest in your relationship again. So, although you've already been through so much, you'll have to give him time and give yourself time to heal. It's good that you're getting counselling, that will definitely help you to deal with the pain and to focus on your relationship rather than the past. It should also help you to be in touch with your feelings and not to hide in any emotions. It's important that you are happy and that you know exactly what you want. You should definitely share your fellings with your husbands, this will help him to understand what you are going through. Your husband has his own demons to fight, but as long as you two are strong, with time I hope that things will get better and that the pain gradually will go.

My situation was that I was cheating on my partner with this woman. And your situation is similar in some way to the “other” woman. She was expecting me to leave my partner and she ended up giving me an ultimatum. But I couldn’t leave my partner, because despite my feelings for that woman, I still cared and probably still loved my partner. I felt that I owed something to my partner. We’d recently moved, she’d gone back to college and I felt that I needed to be here for her. I needed to support her financially, emotionally. I couldn’t just leave her. The other woman wouldn’t hear any of that. She didn’t want a long distance relationship either. So it was an infinite game of – yes, no, yes, no etc But unlike you, she decided to move on. I still miss her, but I’ve committed myself to my partner and to trying and make it work despite all the problems that we were having and that lead me somehow to cheating. Some of the people have mentioned that you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. I think they are right, and I’m talking from experience. He’s saying that he hates her, but he’s still with her. Well, he might well want to be with you, but there might be reasons why he cannot do so, financially etc. But this is what I think, he is probably just as confused as I was. He most probably doesn’t really know what he wants. He wants you both, but he can’t have you both. His gf is giving him something that you can’t and vice versa, that’s partly why he’s still with her. My advice to you is to break it off. Don’t even try to be friends. Just move on. This is not an easy thing to do ‘cause like you said you like his company etc. He’ll probably beg you to stay and argue his case long and hard. It’s gonna be EXTREMELY hard, but that’s what you’ve gotta do. MOVE ON. Give yourself a chance to be truly happy with someone who is FREE and who will be yours 100%. Good luck.

It is so much easier to judge and criticise when we are a complete outsider, isn't it?! Ailec, you say you've never been into a relationship, then how would you know what goes on in a relationship that can sometimes leads to cheating. According to you, NOTHING justifies cheating. Well, I agree with you, cheating can't be justified, but it happens for many different reasons and due to diverse personal circumstances. Of course, there are people who would always jump on the occasion to have a bit of fun on the side, but that's not everybody's case. Relationships are more complex than what it seems. It takes more than talk shows and forums to understand what it entails. It's more about living it, than analysing it!The fact that some people have been weak enough to cheat and that others have been cheated on, doesn't justify your disillusion about relationships.

Ailec1987 People don't get into relationships with the apprehension that it will or might all go wrong. They do it with the anticipation of good things to come. Maybe you should stop reading posts about cheaters, from what you're saying it doesn't seem to be doing you any good. Take care

coollady1957 Yeah I did cheat, but trust me, while this whole thing was going on, I was miles away from reality, miles away from ever realising what effect this would have on the other people involved and on myself. I was too full of lust. It's tough to rebuild a relationship, even though my partner forgave me. It's hard to live with what I inflicted on both women. The hurt etc, it's a nightmare. It's a painful process to get over the whole thing, to try and forget, because I cannot forget. Now I wished I'd been strong enough, wise enough not to put the people involved, including myself, through this whole mess. But there's nothing I can do to erase the past. I can only move forward and try to deal with the consequences of my past actions. What a mess! But hey, on the positive side, my relationship with my partner is getting better, but there's still a long way to go till we get back what we lost. I am putting much effort into it and time will tell whether we are really made for each other.

Thanks Spader You are right, relationship is an ongoing effort and I'll remember that and work on it. What I also realise now is that I was also to blame for driving my partner away. There were things going on in my life which resulted in me being quite selfish at times and taking my partner for granted. Guess we all learn from experience.

Whether it's a kiss or sex, well guess cheating is cheating. Like many others said, I believe that telling the truth when the other person is totally in the dark is a form of selfishness too. I know that trust is very important in a relationship. But if you are happy in the relationship now, so why tell hime NOW, why not before. My only concern is that you posted this thread. Which tells me, you have an issue about it, so are you really happy in the relationship??? Why are you feeling so guilty then? As you already know, I cheated a few months ago. And yes she knows about it. But, will I go on telling her about the details? Hell no! Do you think that will do her any good for me to tell her: "you know when you thought I was away working, well I was actually f***ing so and so"? I cheated, but I do not have to hurt her anymore with the details of when and how and where. The guilt is yours to deal with. If you can't deal with it, then break up and move on. Don't go hurting your boyfriend.

You are right, this other woman was more than just sex. We connected on different levels. It's not that things weren't so good on other areas with my partner. It's just that I've never known it to be any different. This whole affair/cheating has been over for two months now. I'm not here on this forum to cry over spilt milk. What happened happened, full stop. All I can do is talk about the aftermaths and deal with it. Vanilla and Imsobusted_Introuble, do you really think that "I'm lucky that my partner stuck around". I don't feel lucky. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel unlucky either. What I mean is that in this context, no one is really lucky, especially if one's messed up. For all the others who think that "cheaters always come back with those same lines",well too bad. Lets say that cheaters aren't very original. They mustn't be, to have been doing the same old thing for generations and generations. Guess being faithful isn't more original either, it's just more respectful.

What are you sorry about? Everything you said in your first post was true. My partner and I had a chat. I asked her how she felt and basically she feels that what happened is partly her fault; that she's responsible for me looking elsewhere. That used to be my excuse too. However, I explained to her that the only one responsible is ME, MYSELF & I!!! I'm the one who messed up, I'm the one who cheated, I'm the one who was disrespectful to her and to our relationship. It feels awful to have acted so badly, to have hurt her so much and yet for her to feel guilty. The crazy thing is that all the time I was messing about, I didn't have any guilt. I felt like I deserved all that she couldn't give me. I was a fool. She gave me so much. She gave me love and support. I was blinded by lust and my own selfishness. I guess life is a learning curve, quite steep too at times.

GettingOverIt Man I can definitely relate to what you said. Like you, I thought that I would NEVER cheat. That was out of the question. I used to look in disgust at people who cheated on their partner/spouse. I'd seen with my own eyes the hurt and pain that it caused - somone close to me had been cheated on several times and I considered cheating as absolutely appalling. But hey, I learned my lesson; never say NEVER and never judge. I cheated and I learned my lesson. I agree with you, if people can't work things out, then they should have the decency to leave.

What does "being myself" mean??? We have different facets. The way we behave at home, at work, at the hairdressers..etc, all differs. The way we interact with friends, our family, our neighbours, colleagues; it all differs. The way we behave differs from one friend to the other, from one family member to the other, from one work colleagues to the other. Why do you think that is? Don't be too hard on yourself. You shouldn't have to behave in any particular way. As long as the way you are at work makes you comfortable and your colleagues comfortable while complying to your working environment; what the hell - just go for it. Don't be shy. Feel the ground, you'll know what's adequate or what's not, and remember that what's adequate will vary according to the individual person you interact with. Take it easy man

Ailec, My initial post was me finding excuses. My last post is simply stating the facts and consequences that followed my act. How did I get caught? Well, I didn't, I guess that deep down she always knew something was up (minus a few details). Her attitude was basically: admit it, stay with me and I'll forgive and "forget". The impression that she gives is that she simply swept the whole thing under the carpet! That bugs me, I wished I knew how she truly feels, how she is coping etc. It seems as if nothing ever happened, I don't know whether she's in denial. If she is, well someday it's all gonna pop up - action = reaction. How could she want me back? And why did I go back? I don't know. I don't know! Well I'm sure you guys are gonna bombard me with theories . The truth is, there are still some answers I need to find and I don't wanna rush to any conclusions. I wanna take this a step at a time. The good thing is that we are both planning to spend some time apart and away from home. Reflection time. I'll keep you guys posted about the outcome.

Hi Everyone Sorry haven't replied before, didn't realise that I had so many replies to my original post. Anyway, today I read all your replies and realised that Rule number one : make sure to have notification emails set up Rule number two: otherwise check the forum for replies Today I've read all your replies and I wished I had done so well before. But on the other hand, after everything that happened since then, I understand some of the posts much better and I can now say that I KNOW what you guys meant. I cheated. Yes, I committed the sin of cheating and I made a right mess of it too. Like someone said, "I wanted to have my cake and eat it". I was guilty of cheating, but most importantly, my greatest sin was to be SELFISH! I ended up hurting both my partner and the woman I was seeing. I jeopardised my whole relationship for sex. Well, it was more than that; I got attached to this other woman and it made me question my whole view and belief about love and relationships. I was never as confused as I was before this whole thing ended. Leaving someone isn't easy. I tried and I failed badly. My partner forgave me. I still can't forgive myself. I was wrong when I wrote : "Sex is nothing more than sex". It isn't, now I can appreciate this. People get attached, people fall in love, people get hurt. The affair is over. The realisation of what I did, how disrespectful I was, how low I behaved, and how badly I treated both women has just started to hit me and rightly so! My partner and I are still together. We are trying our best to make this work. I still can't involve myself fully in our relationship because I feel that I don't deserve my partner or her forgiveness. Something changed. The trust is gone. So, "To cheat or not to cheat?" : DON'T!!! DON'T!!! DON'T!!! Be DECENT with others and with yourself. LUST is a terrible terrible thing. I played with fire, I burnt myself and the whole house went down with it. What a fool I was not to have realised that I was no fireman!

No one's born a cheater. Whatever we do or become in life is due to personal experiences, circumstances and many other factors which are unique to every single individual. Sxxt happens. Asking ourselves why or how won't change a thing to the stinky effects! There are no excuses for doing what we do or don't do. People mess up, with or without values - full stop! We are all different and we all react differently to situations. We all have opinions about cheaters and it's great to share opinions and experiences. Opinion is one thing; judging is another because very often people tend to leap into mere generalisation. Anyone who feel they've commited a mistake in their life, however big or small is allowed to feel sorry for what they did or didn't do. A mistake becomes one only after it's made - thereforeeee we all learn from our mistakes. There's no point crying over spilt milk! Feeling sorry is not crying, it's acknowledging and accepting that we messed up.

Used to think that I was too faithful to cheat, but here I am today tempted to cheat on my partner of 4 yrs. We've got a great relationship on all levels except for the sex. My partner was my first and only lover. The problem is that sex isn't really her thing. We talked about our problems time and time again, but in vain did the situation change. thereforeeee, I decided to compromise and accept the situation 'cause I love her and given that all my efforts to spice up things were fruitless. Recently I met someone else. What started as friendship turned out to be more. This other woman attracts me sexually and we've got great chemistry. We haven't gone as far as having sex but we both desperately want to. She appreciates how complicated the situation is and doesn't want to be the "other" woman. On the other hand she can't resist the temptation and neither can I. So here I am, totally and utterly human: I am tempted! As much as I love my partner, she can't satisfy my needs and I just can't resist the temptation of sleeping with this other woman. So I figure that what my partner doesn't know cannot hurt her, although I will always know about what I did. Sex is nothing more than sex. So here I am in this dilemma of to cheat or not to cheat. Shall I live my life with this one and only sexual partner who doesn't satisfy me? Shall I take the opportunity of experiencing sex with someone else? Shall I be a cheat given that I always hated cheats? Oh dear...

I sympathise with what you are going through. Like you said, your husband is Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I'm sorry to say that, but it seems to me that your husband doesn't love you. He admitted it himself. Maybe he said that to hurt you, but that only proves that he doesn't love you. Every couples go through hard times and having five kids will certainly make it harder for you and your husband to have time for romance. However, a total lack of romance and affection from him is inadmissible. From what you wrote, you are obviously a very devoted mum and wife. He can't appreciate any of it and I think that says it all. I can't tell you to walk out. This decision is yours to make. However, this abuse has to end by hook or by crook. Your husbands seems to be an extremely cunning person. I suspect that even his sudden change of behaviour, i.e, telling you he cares for you, buying you things and taking your kids shopping, is some kind of strategy to make him look good in the event of a divorce. I'm sure of one thing, if this abuse continues, you'll end up losing all your self-esteem and self-confidence. Like Sweetchick said, your kids deserve better. One day, they're probably gonna need years of therapy to get over all the meanness that they've witnessed. Take care

I don't assume anything, only that you seem to despise everything and everybody including the very people you are asking help from. The miracle I'm talking about is that you expect us to find the solutions to your problems. We are here to support and encourage you. If that's not enough, then tough mate. As for moving to away, talking from my personal experience, sometimes we've got to jump without safety nets. There are no absolute certainties in life. Not having enough money should not deter you from moving forward. I moved a few thousand miles from home with £200 in my pocket. But then again, that's me. You throw the dice and see.

Pourquoi demander de l'aide si tu veux un miracle. Tu connais déjà toutes les réponses, alors pourquoi poser des questions? You want instructions, here's one for you: look for them yourself. Get your act together, stop living as a victim when all you want is to be a hero. Find out what you want, investigate places where you would like to move to according to job opportunities etc and just go. Don't look back. Don't expect people to give you the answers, all they can do is help you find them, once you know exactly what it is you want. Aim and motivation.

You should seek professional advice, i.e, a doctor or gynecologist. They would be the best persons to advise you on the situation. Maybe there are some test you could do to test for infertility. Those noramlly deal with the hormones level and that usually affect women over than 30 or with irregular periods. As for the scar tissue problem, like I said, your best bet is to consult a doctor.

That's scary!!! I truly sympathise with you. It proves that however long we might have been with someone, we never really know them as well as we think we do. If my girlfriend did that to me, that would be it, there would be no going back and I wouldn't take her back. She's been with you for 5 yrs and within 1 month she showed total disrespect for you, your son and your relationship by behaving like she did, under your roof, in your bed!!! None of what happened is your fault, but you still hold some responsibility in my view. I don't want to add insult to injury, but what in the hell were you thinking when you allowed her to have sex with some guy. You said it yourself, sex is a personal thing. God, there are different ways of having a baby, that was a cheap way to do it. If you love someone, you don't let them have sex with other people for the sake of having a baby. Well, that's my personal opinion. However, quit blaming yourself. They want to be together, so be it. Your house isn't a pimp house and she and that guy have no right to impose themselves on you. Please open your eyes, this girl doesn't deserve you, she has proved it. I hope that you won't let them blackmail you emotinally. Your son needs you and he doesn't deserve to live in a house where there's a "ménage à trois" (threesome) going on. You and your son deserve a safe and healthy life, not an emotianl whirlpool. Good luck Take care