maharito

...guys, I... I don't know what to say. I have recognized for some time that one of my character flaws is that I do not know how to properly respect people, whether I actually want to or not. I wasn't trying to offend so blatantly...I just don't get it... I've felt like throwing up all this past evening, then I come back and read all this. Ever since the first reply, I've been trying to figure out... Am I afraid of something inside? Is there something that terrifies me so much that I won't even talk about it with myself, let alone with others? Whatever thing that is isn't talking...but I suspect I simply have no faith in my ability to live on my own. I tried living in Arizona a year ago. I ventured out at the personal invitation of a guy I met online, initially as a love interest actually. I rather quickly discovered I wanted nothing to do with guys, and so I profoundly disrespected his way of life, and no amount of sincerity could make up for that. Then I had a hard time even finding a job. Either it paid total crap and took up such weird hours that I couldn't search for more work ($3.50/hr???) or it was sweatshop labor, the kind where if you're not one of the best 2 percent of 'the pit' then you'll be fired without notice in three weeks' work. That or the call center jobs, which I won't even pretend to be able to do. He ended up kicking me out, even though we maintained a somewhat friendly relation. Right before considering signing up for the military (which I thought was asinine given my history of independent thinking), I found a ministry that would take me in. They provided a lot of things at an incredible rate--which was both impressive and amazing--and they even helped me locate work (through THEIR personal connections ^^). There was an obvious toll, though--I had to act as a reforming Protestant Christian, even though I had my own developed spiritual beliefs. I suffered it for quite some time, and tried to learn a few things about Christianity as well, but it's pretty hard looking straight at an institution that doesn't tolerate free thinking. A month later, one of my personal adventures in the urban Arizona life (something that did make nearly everything worthwhile) led me to an oddball group showcasing on the streets by the city's main University party district. They ended up taking me in, on the spot. (I had to go back to the ministry later to affirm this and pick up my stuff--I really didn't have a ton of say in the matter that first night.) My work continued just fine, even as I lived inside this apartment with drama-flinging, drug-using defuncts. Over time, they realized that I wouldn't really ever fit in with them, and after failing to really show me their 'lifestyle' and my temp job finally came to an end, they decided to spring an ultimatum: leave in 48 hours, or we send our gang connections to beat the tar out of you, possibly kill you. Regardless of whether they had these connections, there wasn't any sense arguing the point, even though I had secured another job at the time. I had been looking for other ways to live somewhere all that past month, but I simply didn't have the money saved up to do it (or the will to move out when I was already marginally comfortable there). And Arizona's one of the cheapest places in the nation to live! The night I was forced out, I was truly on the streets. I called everyone I could seeking some sort of aid, but noone had anything immediate they could provide. I slept on the doorstep of a church a block from my previous hangout, all my worldly possessions wrapped about me. Then in the morning, the guy who introduced me to the Arizona lifestyle came...and offered me a way to return home. At that point, I didn't have much choice. Even if I had a job waiting, you can't go to work unless you can also take a shower. -- During that time, I experienced a lot of great things about living independently. I loved being able to walk the streets all on my own or drop by a local mall, knowing that the only reason I was able to do so was my own hard work. It was more than gratifying. But I also encountered the dark side of independent life, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Without enough of a personal network, you can end up making decisions that jeopardize your very life. Regardless, I would like to try it again. But hasn't anyone here ever heard of controlling risks? Am I being too ridiculous when I say I'm not going to leave insecurely? Whether it is because of a calculated understanding of what awaits me out that door, or a primal fear of either being on my own or relying entirely on my own limited intuition and street skills...I am simply not seeing the point of jeopardizing such personal potential. And yes, I have considered that perhaps I hold myself too highly, and that my academic skills must bow to my apparent lack of personal grit and fortune. Maybe this is some sort of stunt in self-preservation. I don't know anymore. If I disrespected the folks who watch these forums, then I guess I don't have enough apologies for you. You do great work. Really. I just wanted something that apparently is not provided here. Or perhaps anywhere. But then, how do you begin a personal network? Does anyone have any Ideas where to start? First off, I have to stay in this nation for now (visas and permits to work in other countries are something I HAVE read about, and they are typically awarded only on a strict merit basis, to people with degrees and established careers, unless you are in college at the time and want to pay a work vacation visit to the U.K., or study abroad.) Places brought up so far are: Bend, Oregon; Rome, Georgia; Phoenix area, Arizona (where I was before); Nashville, Tennessee; and possibly Chicago, Illinois. I don't know what other places might be good, and it's the personal testimony I'm looking for here. The goal is to return to college so that I can attain a degree, and I would consider getting a vocation like massage therapy first because it amounts to the same: JOB SECURITY!!!!!!!!! The last thing I will consider is getting outrageous amounts of student loans when I have no way of paying them. The college I previously went to was paid for entirely with scholarships, though that boat has since past. From my experience, it is *IMPOSSIBLE* to get COMPLETELY subsidized loans. You must also get loans which you cannot defer. If I were required to get even $2500 in unsubsidized loans per year, it would be very difficult to even pay interest on that the first year. By the fourth year, I would be dead in the water. If I screw up on a venture like that, it is more completely certain that I won't finish college in my lifetime. I have to have an awful lot more socked away before I can consider college, and at this point I would be looking at having to either work part-time or attend part-time. Maybe I'm just too afraid at looking into the possibility that I'll be stuck in one place for the next decade of my life. That is part of why I desperately want personal connections...some crazy desire for comfort when I'm all on my own and don't know what the heck is going on around me. I don't really have any more to say. This is kind of humbling. I wish someone here would be at least more encouraging, but I guess you get what you ask for. Maybe I already know some of the answers as to what I should do for my life. Maybe I am just stunned in disbelief. Or maybe I am just seeking something that people in general are not entitled to. You know, I'm not always this crabby...I try to be a lot nicer when I'm not so self-absorbed like this. Sorry if I'm no good at respecting you people. I gave it my best shot, but I'm also gonna be honest. I don't know where to turn to anymore.

You belittle and besmirch my very intention. You imagine that I have not spent much of the past ten months searching for paths, examining places where I would go? My main method, though, is personal reference. Once I have a person on my side who can help me appropriately consider a place to live (for example, a cousin of mine who lives in Oregon, and a good friend out in Georgia), THEN I can research the matter. I do not search before having a solid personal reference. THIS is part of that plan! I wish to find someone, anyone with solid and concrete information regarding a prospective move. The main trouble with going to Oregon is that I would need more money before I could reliably move ($1500 is not really enough). And though Georgia is cheaper, I am currently checking whether my friend's dad, who runs a caretaking business, would have a position for me, which would solve a lot of my problems in one fell swoop. And I am not a victim; I am a survivor. The only person I would want to pity me is me, if you want to get cynical. The true victims are in Colombia, in Sudan, in rural former provinces of the U.S.S.R., in the East Pacific Islands, in Venezuela, and in any household where a spouse's or child's life is being held in check by a true tyrant. It is not a miracle for people to come together and discuss one's future. It is not a miracle that more folks find their living through personal networking than by any other method. And I've settled down a tad...but I still despise your assumptions.

I haven't posted on here in quite some time. I was recently contacted by someone who was a mod or something online (lija something?) and I remembered this place. My situation's changed little in 10 months and it bothers me to no end. The only difference now is that I've sought counseling locally, and now I'm not depressed anymore. ...First time I saw this place, I wondered how my concerns would ever actually be addressed. These folks seem more about emotional comforting, and naturally this place deals with a lot more folks with emotional issues, issues of personal relationships, issues of intimacy--things that are important to one's well-being, as I can attest, but are still far dwarfed by the SERIOUS, SERIOUS matter of finding a legitimate purpose in life. You know, a job, academic pursuits, charitable causes... Whatever it takes either to pay the bills or to otherwise sustain oneself while providing something valuable to the community or the world. -- So the point...is I need that purpose. But, I'm unwilling to leave the home with my parents before I have arranged some form of work beforehand. I have a small trust fund that could get me started, but I will NOT spend it until I have some secure way of knowing I can at least replace that money if something goes awry and I'm forced to return here one more time. I came home from college after I was double-whammied: my first ever love interest, met online, was secretly using me for her own pleasure when her boyfriend wasn't putting out--something she revealed AFTER I traveled to her place during the college year to visit her, rushing me through all of my first ever sensual experiences and almost having me lose my virginity to her; and losing financial support from an elderly beneficiary for no rational reason whatsoever. (The closest reason I could imagine is that my mom, who owns a cleaning business, was backstabbed by her partner who badmouthed this person about her and thus tarnished me as well.) Even with a full tuition scholarship and covered room and board, I still needed to make a living, and the college town, like my home town, is very small and devoid of most every occupation. I found work (part-time, like 10 hours a week) at near minimum wage, but I had a progressively harder time managing even that as I emotionally collapsed from the earlier incident. Though my last semester was managed well and I pulled grades that surprised me considerably (only one B?? Only failed Physics because of that exam I missed?), I chose to leave afterward because of my condition. It's only now that I could feel I'm ready to return to work. Too bad there's no work. And now my parents are all over me... 'You're almost 22,' 'you need to get out of here,' 'we can't support you forever,' the expected banter. My stepdad makes it a million times worse--always breathing down my neck whenever I do something like spend time online ('It's my phone!'), spend money (because even if I earned it doing some odd job, it's money that should go to him instead), stay up late (because I should wake up early so I can find the job that doesn't exist for me), or just mention something regarding food (because I eat them out of house and home, of course, and I'm an absolute leech). I would not be surprised if a few people here have been in either my position or his before. I understand where he's coming from, but my mom has to defend me from him time and time again, and now she is becoming poisoned to me too!! I sat down next to her this morning and she poured this conversation down my throat...how I have no position, no standing, no stability in this home. I have agreed both with my online pals and my excellent counselor that my backbone, my strength, is based largely upon the security of the home. I'm a pure-and-through Cancer, that's for sure. The reason I was able to work at an absolutely wretched high-volume resort job for 15 months in high school, even though I had many time restraints and was depressed over a different matter, but then left after my third day of work recently at the same place my stepdad works after suicidal desires surfaced on the job, is obvious. I need a stable home life to have a stable work life. To go crosswise is taxing on my very soul. And right now I have no spiritual life to speak of (it's totally snuffed by my everburning concerns about my future). No social life either--I haven't even left this house for any reason other than to do something with mom or search for work, not even once since I was forced to come back shortly before my 21st birthday in June. I can't really have a social life in this...this hick town!! I hate to judge, but frankly, every single one of the decent people close to my age I've ever known in this town has had the good sense to leave. I must leave too. It is the only thing on my mind. It is the only thing on my mind. Now it's getting to the point where I don't even care about the little people who are so much worse than me--the ones in countries ravaged by war and famine and poverty... I always told myself that I have hope and that makes me fortunate. But what if I run out of hope? My spirit just told me a few days ago that I'm on my own...that this is a long haul...... Where is the end...? And if my spirit is abandoning me...what good could possibly come from this 'test'? Maybe I'm not a materialist...but for once in my life I would take anything, ANYTHING, just to leave...to leave this family that is becoming averse to my very presense, if not my existence...to leave everything...to start over...but with a chance to at least stand up again, if I should fall... It is my priority to return to college, unless I can develop another skilled trade that doesn't require four years...which would mean I could save up money through that trade until I could choose academia when I was ready... I don't care...I'm overwhelmed by how little my family respects my wishes...how they consider me to be nothing, NOTHING... I don't want to hear consolation. I don't want to hear consideration. I don't want counseling or conventional wisdom. I want a way out. Someone show me that way, or provide me something to allow me to accomplish this myself. I don't want your words unless they are specific instructions to a concrete goal, and that goal includes leaving this town. I will curse you if you give me something other than that. And I frankly don't care how selfish I am. My mood fluctuates, and I know that right now is an unusual moment for me, but I DON'T F'ING WANT anything other than this!! So don't give me anything other than a job reference, or an ACTUAL ticket out of here, or instructions to apply for work or some status that would allow me to leave this godforsaken place. (I was at Michigan Tech University, studying Computer Science, pursuing a minor in Physics and certification in French. I repair computers for-hire here, but I get no business because of how pitifully small this town is and how many established companies in the area already provide that service. I am highly if not extremely talented in math and have a deep understanding of the English language, something partially developed as I worked toward eventually attending the National Spelling Bee in 8th grade. I also have a somewhat functional understanding of French and can at least read it reliably well. I was not overly troubled over abandoning computer science, as I have realized that my greatest personal interest and gift lies in helping people directly, possibly as a tutor as in teaching or counseling but possibly also as a physical therapist, rather than in programming behind a desk. However, I greatly enjoy working on getting computers running and helping people do what they want to do with them. My only notable work history is in food service. I would really like to change that. My heart's deepest calling is to go to Australia to live, for reasons I won't discuss here.) SO...PLEASE...HELP!! Dionysus / Pouring Rain I can't believe this Ten days have past And still this endless rain Keeps falling from the sky I know I'll survive it But this time the clouds cover the midnight sun The beauty of my land I know I can't cope with it anymore I have to go I fly away To a distant place I take the chance and leave, Away from this pouring rain Night's getting closer The season of light is fading long before it even has begun I know I'll survive it But that is the only consolation When we see our precious days Turn in to pieces once again I have to go I fly away To a distant place I take the chance and leave, Away from this pouring rain I never knew that this would be This is no place for me My ship is caught at sea, the storm comes towards me It's not that I don't like the (winter) snow But I need sun to rest my soul I never knew I'd need a shelter from the rain in the end of June Maybe someone has cast a spell?[/i]

...eek...point well made... I'll try to consider it somehow... It's all part of my issue in believing that I won't make it to college without some helping hands...that college costs are entirely unmanageable in my current situation. If anyone has anything practical to suggest toward that end, it'd be nice...but having a real friend to even go out and visit would also do wonders for my mood... I dunno... loneliness and ambition are so intertwined lately... I am happy to be home, really...about half the time... And the other half of the time, I wish I could find/make my own True home......

aw, to hell with any of this. I can't even concentrate anymore. All I wanted was some sort of opportunity of living--I can't stand it here, I can't even muster the will to go to work today...maybe they'll fire me...then my parents will definitely reconsider keeping me here... In Arizona, it was so different...I swear on my grandfather's grave, I enjoyed going to work every day. But in the end, they were the ones who abandoned me...I dunno if it's karma or not...but I feel I deserve another chance. I deserve a real life. And everyone I know just throws their hands up in disdain or futility... and half of them tell me I need help... Well, of course I need help... A very small portion of well-meaning, capable people, have ever had to move out on their own without either financial backing from others or a range of real-life contacts available to them...not since the Pilgrims, anyway. I've lived a good life and pulled myself out of the dumps, but it took time and relocation. Now I feel I'm just wallowing in my own filth. Someone do something...for the love of God...just brush off the welcome mat outside your door...anything, please...

I'm sorry I can't be of much help...I don't have any relevant experience to help. But I will tell you this... This is exactly the thing I and many people fear to the point of insanity--that their love will be betrayed. If one person's definition of love in their relationship has fallen out of sync with the other, that is a LACK OF COMMUNICATION, pal. I don't know what led to it, but your love has been allowed to drift apart and part of it was not talking about it enough (or one of you hiding the truth from the other). Perhaps you could include that in your discussions with your wife. There are people who live their entire lives openly opposing and fighting this kind of thing. There are also a lot of folks (seems to be more of a guy thing) who know on every level that they will not ever, EVER contribute to a world of betrayal and conditional 'love.' If you resolve this with your wife, and find her to be true, as true as she was in your earlier days if not moreso... Then you'll be effectively giving me and a lot of people a reason to live. Keep it up... I say this from the heart. REALLY.

Hehe...I'll just make it short. Thanks. I did my best to say what I mean. You can have your really good friends. You can get to know who they are. And geez, if it's 12 years you've known them, you should definitely know by now how wise it would be to trust his judgment in certain fields! Guys LOOOOOOOOVE to give other guys advice on how to do relationships. I avoid doing this at all costs myself, because to me, everyone is an individual. If I'm gonna read a book on relationships, I interpret it as a book about a few people who met a few other people, and discussed their successes and failures. Not very many folks are gonna have more than a hundred meaningful relationships in their entire lives. And a hundred is still a drop in the bucket when you count all those millions!! Sure, perhaps some strategies work better than others. It might do good to learn how to not scare off your lover or give them a seriously wrong message before they're comfy enough to talk turkey. But hey, once you deal with that, it's all up to you! Handle the relationships like you want to!! I didn't come to eNotAlone to discuss relationships. If I have one, I doubt it will be discussed here except as a reference (or to boast... ). When it comes to the nature of relationships, take hints as hints and tips as tips, but let yourself be the guide! Noone wrote the book on love. (Some are more successful than others...but you're not looking for success, you're looking for love! ) YOU ARE THE BOOK. Be yourself already!! (Though I recommend following another book--the book of Law--and if you date religious types, you may have other Books to follow too Even people with very similar tendencies and whom can be classified with the same catchphrases may have a different view of love, different experiences, different things that fascinate them, different things they consider allowable in dating, and so on. No one person's advice will work perfectly even on both of those two people. And think of how many billions of independent folks there are out there... If you want to follow a friend's advice, make sure it's advice you wanna take, okay? If it makes you feel bad, then consider what it is you're feeling bad about. You shouldn't feel bad about yourself. You're just being yourself! You might rightly feel bad if you hurt someone, but this doesn't seem to be the case. I'd love to hear of any attempts you make to enter a relationship with your ex again! It's always fascinating to hear the tales of people who have discovered that some relationships are too important to end without a just cause. And most of all, I really, really hope you find the happiness within you to be how you are right now and still be able to go to sleep without wishing and wondering all the time... I'm a virgin to this day, and though I feel a bit funny about it, noone's gonna convince me to change my status except me. But that's just how I am. It takes confidence to keep your woes from getting to you, and action to keep you from getting to your woes. May you flourish in both

eh...hm... Now, I'm the kind of guy who has never truly had a girlfriend (a couple attempts that spelled disaster)...so it's predictable what I'd say there. I'm intensely philosophical, and I preach balance to everything. And I live for truth, honesty, respect, courtesy, and mutual help. Oh, and I live in America, self-proclaimed high power of the free world. I've seen folks throw their lives to a cause, and some are quite happy with this. (Many aren't--they wish to use the personal freedoms they find that they have...) People's satisfaction with life can be limited by how much they have to accommodate or subordinate to other people in their lives, even if those bonds with others are what help lead them to success or the spotlight. Folks can seek thrills or glory throughout their lives, trying everything they can to push their bodies, minds, spirits, possessions, and influence to the extreme...usually at a price to humanity. And there are a gifted few who, at the cost of passing up other achievements and experiences they might want, will devote themselves to some amazing, nigh-impossible feat. Any of these folks can be happy. Any of them can be miserable. Any can be a hero, either sung or unsung. And any of them can be great in their own minds. But soldiers, sermonists, simpletons, superstars, skydivers, synchronized swimmers, sin-seekers, and self-sacrificers tend to share a few personal traits. To me, the most significant of these is a desire to find...um, what's that word again? I tell you, civilization did NOT make up love. Perhaps it made up the custom, and I'm sure it's made up its own range of definitions to accompany the various lives we lead. (Did we ever face so many issues with dating when/where marriages were arranged, or public romantic coupling wasn't supposed to happen unless the parents had already approved...?) With freedom, we are better able to define ourselves as individuals, and so we can also better define what things we would like to share with another human being. I personally recognize that people can share all sorts of experiences, have interdependencies, embrace each other in various ways, live together harmoniously, and even share much of the same views of the world...and still be missing out on a few things. Love is different for every individual. I believe it's better found among people who are self-confident and live balanced lives. But perhaps, a core definition of a loving relationship is a mutual and completely sincere recognition that sharing that relationship is among the most important and valuable things a person can attain and should NEVER be betrayed. (Perhaps a greater love is yet to be found, but nothing justifies abandoning another love altogether.) It'd certainly be a lot easier if you only had one person to love...or if you decided to love Love...love God...or love everyone equally with no insistent preference... But the path is yours. Greatness comes in many forms. Providing goods, services, inspirations to others...making your life into a worthy memorial...serving a cause YOU believe is great...developing and promoting freedom and personal independence...showing people faces of truth above the deceptions of the world... These are things people can do to make themselves a great part of the world, of humanity, of existence. Finding love will probably be a great asset to any of these sorts of accomplishments. It only takes a bit of deep thought to recognize how such a bond with another human being will allow you to spread your great qualities to that other person, perhaps for the better balance of their own life. In general, I believe living a balanced lifestyle (seeing and living both sides of every perspective--comfort and discipline, health and hardship, thrill and serenity) is the key to greatness. Some folks may end up doing this fine single. Others are practically fated to have another living under their roof. Some good examples of great people may include Mother Teresa, Weird Al Yankovic, Richard Nixon, Queen Elizabeth I, Lee Iacocca, and my mother. But you probably know a few already yourself, because they have already influenced YOUR life! -Cheers, and happy trails. Hope this helped!

Neat! Well hey, can't say you're the only one out there who feels a bit out of balance, lacking motivation or direction... Happens to the best of us. I read this earlier and was skeptical to reply at all. The last thing you need to know is that you're not alone in this one... OR is it? People will tell you (particularly closeminded ones, or those who disregard their positive experiences and focus on the bad)... They say that friends are important. They say close friends will just end up hurting you. They say that girlfriends are nothing but trouble. From my rather limited judgment, I would say these things are partially true. I tried my darndest to get friends in high school. I ended up hanging out with these skater guys... Picture this bigheaded big-glasses-wearing academian loner geek hanging out with the TRL addicts and Muska poseurs. It's quite a hoot, I tells ya. Sometimes they gave me advice on how to live life, treat ladies, party, etc. Sometimes they pushed me around, even to the point of intimidating me or decimating my sense of self-worth (for a time). Occasionally they would give me opportunities to hang out at certain cool places. I even got a job tip from one. But I never called them friends. I didn't even pretend to. Not from the beginning, not in the end. And it's because I could very easily tell they didn't respect me or how I led my own life. I could've easily hung out with these folks. Aside from not having quite as much money, I could've blended in however I wanted. I could also just be myself, and appear like the black sheep in the crowd. Fit in, stand out, doesn't really change your perception from your regular crowd. It might affect how they treat you...but it won't change any true respect one might earn for the other. Fact is, those folks had totally different life plans. Some of them were gonna work for their family businesses. Others were going to major in some degree they felt they could graduate with, even if it wasn't going to help them get a job...then they would *somehow* get the job they wanted anyway. A few were clueless and never tried to get it together--maybe followed plans handed to them by others. They couldn't even relate to someone interested in a professional career (at the time, I was gonna be a computer guru...but I had to leave college, AND I really don't want to work with computers now, so now my own path is unsure!) I doubt they felt contempt for me. But everything associated with how I lived my life--being a bit socially conservative and not drinking much, keeping a certain composure in public, not messing around with or pressuring strangers... this wasn't natural for their style of hanging out. And since they were fun-loving and disrespectful even to each other at times, they were clearly not even remotely interested in trying to relate. What is friendship with people like these? It's suicide, that's what. Guys love to be able to just hang out with the guys. ...er, what am I talking about? I AM a guy! I found something that didn't surprise me too much in that article on the frontpage of the site yesterday, about how guys' feelings and thoughts are more separate than girls'. Now, I've heard some pretty horrible stories about what girls will do to each other, ruining each others' lives publicly, humiliating one another privately, and throwing every rumor in the book that sounds like it would throw far. They are commonly thought to do it out of pettiness, jealousy, envy, an expression of aggression or strong judgment, or just because they enjoy exercising some power. But I look at causes... When feelings are tied to thoughts, then when you're immature and you get scared by the girl who looks a little prettier than you who might get that hot guy...you'd better do some backstabbing! And oh, she's got that huge behind sticking out...wouldn't I love to see her fall on it right in the middle of the crowd? When (negative) feelings are tied with thoughts, then people take action on their feelings by coming up with all sorts of sneaky plans. (Or some feel sorry and insignificant.) Why'd I go off and say that? To contrast with the guys, of course!! Guys have feelings too, quite often just as strong as girls' feelings... Perhaps most of them will hide their feelings because emotion is, in our civilization, a form of weakness. (It's just because undeveloped emotions are easy to manipulate! A person with developed personality and feelings can be both strong and compassionate!) But those who are immature will enjoy and take advantage of that disconnection. Your good ole drinking buddy at the bar can provide a great getaway from the world of womenfolk. Oh, but what happens when one day one of you comes home crying from your lost lover? 'Aw, turn to your drink man! That's what it's there for! Don't come cryin' to me. What'm I gonna do? Just be a man already!' Some consoling fellows will attempt to give advice straight from the brain...a logical interpretation of a situation, and perhaps a horse-sense plan of action. (I even know a few of those! ) When your thoughts and feelings aren't connected, then one person can't relate to the emotional woes of another...unless they already share some emotional experiences. Actually, if you got to know each other more thoroughly, the same guy you can hang out with, could figure out what you're going through in both your heart and your head, and give more meaningful advice. But until then...how are your guy friends going to be able to respect what you're going through? How did they even get to be considered friends in the first place? Sharing common interests is a great start, but without that openness, sharing your feelings with them, you can't expect to get all that reliable advice when your feelings are hurt. You can't relate. Now, I can't expect every guy to do that. But it is the truth. THEY CAN'T RELATE. They've had their breakups. They handled them their own ways. But they're individuals and they're not you! You live a different life, by your own morals and standards, and they don't know about all of that in all likelihood. Seek all the advice you want, but accept it not on the basis of friendship, but on two things: 1) how much the person respects every part of you, recognizes your qualities, and not taken advantage of that knowledge; and 2) how much you respect their every quality and know their judgment to be good IN THE GIVEN FIELD. Consider who your friends really are. No need to knock em, they're probably okay people. But just cuz you respect them in some ways doesn't mean you can turn to them for just anything. Make sure someone can relate to you before you seek their counsel. Now, this is all a huge hypocrisy...in short, I hope you take some of this with a little more than a grain of salt... Pretty much any other points I wanted to make were pretty well handled by mahlina there!! I hope ya pick up on all of that. T.T.F.N!

nan da te?? Wow, some parents... *scratches head* I just don't get it. My mom was and is both loving and firm, as much as she could be. She encouraged me, quite kindly and sweetly, to do things like brush my teeth and clean my room. I resisted sometimes but when I found it better to cooperate because of the negative consequences for not acting, I enjoyed it. She gave me praise for acting smart when I was a wee lil kid, and it led to me wanting to do better in school. She used physical force a few times when I was young, and it taught me that there are more serious and memorable consequences for more serious problems (in her case, lying and mouthing off). But I enjoyed cooperating because she made my life enjoyable when I did. She was both stern and gentle, and knew the importance of the balance, even though I was the eldest child. Though I would make a pretty poor parent in my state, I want to use her example when I am bestowed that special status. At least you have been going to the psychologist and not skipping out. If you feel it's not working out, you can try talking with other folks. Like you said, you want help--and probably deserve it. I'd give you a hug right now if I could...I encourage you to continue searching for folks to sort out your issues with. I find it a bit disturbing that you'd lie to your boyfriend about your success in discussing your issues, or your desire to escape it all. I believe there is practically no point to dishonesty... If he would be scared of such a truth, then you don't have to tell him. But if he's the one asking...then what's the point of hiding it? That means that he at least believes he has a right to know, whether he's ready or not. I don't think he'd handle it well to find out later that you were still having those kinds of thoughts. This may be just the kind of issue that brings you two closer together--discussing the deeper issues in life, possibly discussing family relations and talking out how you can establish some self-worth even when your mom accuses you of not doing enough. The last thing you deserve is accusation. After all, you came here seeking help, right? You do care about yourself enough to do that. And on top of that, I can already see that you're considerate of others' feelings enough that you don't want to harm them. But remember...if they do ask, do tell! And tell everything! Hopefully, this person whom you tell, your dad or BF (someone whom you already know cares about you) will find some way of handling it. You've been brave enough yourself to admit it to a forum. If you want to make a real impact, you must talk out the entire matter with someone who really cares about you. If you wish...you may talk with me anytime you like...

Well... I considered how I would react to being told such a thing... (Now, I consider myself a man who has no need for modesty--only caution in not wanting to scare ~other folks~ with my open acts... But I'm also a bit of a prude...) That information...would scare me. Like, put me immediately to the point of considering whether the commitment was worth it. Really. There's a reason people don't want to reveal their baggage too soon. Folks hope that they can get personally attached to one another before introducing such facts of life that make them 'take the next step'--whether it be toward being consistently available and on the other person's side...or living together...or more! There is always the chance that you found the kind of guy who considers the importance of having ~just one~ person who's trustworthy, friendly, sincere, enjoyable, etc. above the importance of meeting a few (constantly evolving and changing) personal interests. Then, his decision to commit will be true. But in either case...you have to fight the urge to reveal yourself so much (it's a challenge for me sometimes too!) No matter how secure a guy is with his own feelings and situation, there's always figuring the lady into the picture.......... And don't forget WishMistress's message: becoming more secure with yourself! Even if you understand the situation pretty well by now, controlling your feelings might show a positive thing or two to the guy too...or could have a number of nice effects on your relationship. Hopefully, when you do bring up this matter, it won't become an issue of fear...or of dependence on 'the one person who never hurt you' (even good people can hurt without trying!) #1 rule of thumb: If it's something you'd only share with your best friend...then make sure he's your best friend for every reason first! If it's more public, then don't hide it from him any differently than you would others. A love interest is a person too...why treat them so differently unless they truly deserve it? I wish you the best in any choice ya make!

Considering how little you know about her, the consequences of any of those actions are, well, unexpected! What could you do best that show the girl what you want to show her...hopefully, something that is truly 'you'? Myself, in that situation... *casts vote for 'discuss old GF briefly, then consider having a lunch date'*

I've said it to some of my other pals...and I'll say it again... 'How can you truly please someone who wants what they want for themselves before anything else?' (This was actually a conclusion from analyzing the conditions of women who betray, but it doesn't take much to realize the possibilities for my own gender.) ----- It's hard to believe that you'd be so young and experience this much. But then again, it'd be hard to believe I'm 21 and without much of any such experience. I've lost noone dear to me, nor have I had a real girlfriend. I've had folks tell me that it doesn't make any sense. But so what?? When I was your age and started longing for comfort or an individual to share some Quality Time with, sometimes the only thing that helped was to cry in my pillow. I didn't feel I could fit in with anyone. But that was my own choice...was it not? You could decide to become more like the folks in your town--adapt to their ways of thinking, enjoy what they enjoy, test the waters with folks there. But it sounds like none of the 'pools' are suited for you. Being 14, you don't have much choice over where you live. You may as well just get over that/take some satisfaction that your parents provide for you, right now. 8) So what can you do while you're there? (This really is a difficult question...) I'm not physically there...so there's not much I would do. Given your situation, you must find folks your age in your area if you want some friends. I didn't choose that route myself because the folks 'aren't my type.' But if there are some folks in your area who you think really deserve a chance, let em know. You may wonder why people who want to help keep going on about how young you are. Your youth matters! These guys and gals you hang out with now are growing up with you!! And what are they going to learn about life? What are they going to learn about relationships? They will learn a few things through their parents...but they will learn a lot through THEIR friends. That's YOU! You are right, far as I can tell--exes really suck. It hurts, it stings, and sometimes it feels like you left a part of your life with another person. I wouldn't disagree... Now tell me, why did you leave your last boyfriend in the end of this June? Ex-boys aren't any more fun to deal with than ex-girls. I know you don't want to become part of the problem, but maybe you can't see much beyond your own desires...after all, you have been put through a bit of grief. You've got a lot to deal with yourself, departing and stressed relatives and your truer pals as well as the ones who dumped you. Have you ever considered that maybe it's not time yet to commit like that? You want to grow really close to someone, to the point that that person will stick by you at all times. It really is a good feeling to have that, and there's little wrong with wanting it. I wish more of us could find that. But you have to start with yourself. And it's pretty clear that you have some things to sort out for yourself before you can truly care about another individual. You passed up a guy last month, and you regret it. Why should you? That person could be the friend that helps you slowly confront and deal with your social and family issues, after you've gotten to know each other and enjoy each other's company. It's way too easy to get romantic for the wrong reasons... The basic point I'm trying to make overall is that you can have your feelings and you can have your friends. But you and many folks your age are dealing with some serious stuff and you have to recognize that there probably isn't ANYONE in your circle who has got it all together. And if they don't have it all together...then it makes it all that much harder for them to truly ~love~ another person. The best they can do is chase what their heart wants, go after this and that, leave a trail of exes. If you want to romantically experiment, go ahead. But look at yourself before you go very deep with someone else. It's not worth regretting a breakup when you both have your own lives to deal with. But finding a few friends, perhaps guy friends, to discuss the matters that are really important to each other (after you have gotten comfortable as good ole friends)...that may be what helps you grow up and be the good lover you would want your man to be as well. 'Be the change you want to see in the world.' -Gandhi

Hi folks. I registered a few days ago, but have been really touchy about the actual timing of my first post. My mood has really not been that stable since I returned to live with my parents a few weeks back. I share a room with my lil bro (I get the floor, but that's partially my preference). But likewise, I have no privacy. Since I'm also a serious wreck late at night, I decided I was just gonna say something in the daytime anyway, privacy or not, as long as lil bro wasn't buggin me to use the comp. I could tell a bit about myself, but that usually leads to a few volumes' worth. Frankly, I don't believe I can be classified into any group except 'stuck.' I'm a unique individual, and definitely so among those in my northern Michigan hometown of 1500. If it makes it any easier for you to understand where I'm coming from, BEFORE I answer specific questions about my condition... ----- I moved to this town as I was leaving kindergarten, already distinguished as apart from the crowd (particularly for academic reasons). I learned to adore indoor recess and playing with Legos, along with acing every math and spelling test that came my way. I became a hardened bookworm up until 7th grade, when I became wildly interested in a very free-spirited but otherwise average young lady in my class of 36. My fascination with her personality and spiritual energy became very obsessive, and without a meaningful outlet such as discussing with friends or actually hanging out with her (she didn't want to be that close), it carried through all the way to my senior year. Now established as a depressed weirdo and a little of a stalker on top of loner and prodigy, I discussed with my school counselor (and dear friend to this day) how I could remold my personality once I entered a new environment--college. I was able to get into a nice university in the state with his finding and my earning of competitive scholarships, along with the aid of a beneficiary (my family lives in poverty and couldn't very well help). I'd gotten over the other girl, even though there were no prospects of finding anyone new to consider in a technical university with 4 guys to a girl. (One would think that it's just tougher odds, but many girls there were quite fed up with all the hitting on and I did not wish to contribute to that stress, which wouldn't end just because a girl wanted to be with me.) I instead returned to focus on my studies, this time making a few real decent friends (I never even pretended to have them in school). Though we really clicked intellectually and loved sharing the joys of the major of Computer Science, there seemed to be something missing from them and from the entire university in terms of emotional depth. It hurt my morale over time... (But I got on the Dean's List that first year!) Over a positively crushing summer stuck back in a friendless, uninteresting, barren hometown, I focused a bit more on my online interests. I hadn't thought to try to make friends online, but it was getting interesting. Still, I was getting real low about my overall condition. That's when I met my first love interest... I'd never more than imagined kissing a girl, and suddenly I had some very strong feelings for a girl in New York whom I'd never actually met! As I returned to college, I discussed going to visit her. We were thrilled and we both carefully planned it out in the middle of my college year. It was a marvelous visit, a marvelous time...I leapt into her arms at the airport, the last thing I was expecting...I was extremely careful about touching people and avoided it at all costs. But in 24 hours...I found myself lured to bed with this lady. She showed me a first hug, kiss, cuddle, and a whole lot more! It was invigorating...and it scared the daylights out of me... Our plan to check out NYC together worked out well...but still, our decision to share a bed was a rather uncomfy one... Though skeptical to touch, I gave her a loving back massage and treatment, something I knew I could do well...and she let me know I did well! (and confirmed it after the incident!) But when it got to the point where my hand was on her panties, the only clothes between us...I had to stop. Something didn't feel right, especially since we'd agreed it would never go that far. The next day, she felt very sick...I didn't know what could've brought it on... She told me not to cry as I departed for the university... And the day after I got back, she told me it wasn't going to work out. Devastated and at a loss for explanation, I begged for more consideration...but pressing on only revealed the truth. One of her 'exes' actually wasn't, never was. But they'd had a falling out...I was someone whom she chose to help her out, in a manner of speaking. She cheated on her real boyfriend with me. I'd been cheered on by my comrades for finally getting some action--difficult would it be for me to assert to them that I was actually sexually used. I got to experience some real darkness this time, dealing with my physical reaction to our brief encounter all on my own, knowing nothing of the sort would happen ever again. My friends and the college counselor could do practically nothing--my only comforts were anime, Dance Dance Revolution, and a large feather pillow. I grew a fetish tied to those memories of her, which I simply could not extinguish as it carried into every moment of my waking and dreaming life. I was a dirty, stinking mess pretty soon. I miraculously only failed one class, and got As and Bs on the others that fall. But when my benefactor deserted me and I had to start a new semester while desperately looking for work AND not wanting to get out of bed most days...I was eager to find a way out. Well, more like praying. I met another lady online who convinced me to take in her life out in California, attend a university there and live off her savings until I found work (possibly with her uncle in the computer business). I knew then as I know now that college was one thing I couldn't desert...but I desperately needed change from my dark depression if I were going to continue. And that meant I needed to change my environment again. I decided only then to accept medical leave from college. I returned to my parents to save up for a bus ticket. Once I had it...she told me she had to leave California and go live in Canada with her cousin. I was neither furious nor devastated, but concerned for her well-being. I figured I could make a living there too. I sold my comp to her cousin in an attempt to buy a plane ticket to Canada...it never worked out, though. I never got paid for my computer, and in fact gave hundreds more to her because I heard that SHE was broke. I never talked with her on the phone...and I never would. It was in fact the stolen identity of a high school girl in the town of some guy in Newfoundland who now had my possessions and was in every way outside of my reach. My first love's counselor and friend gave me some tough love so that I didn't crash. He also gave me another lady friend to talk with (though over time it seemed that she needed more help than I did!) As I carried through a whole spring and summer in the desolate wasteland I called home, mostly unable to find or keep work for various reasons...I found another pal online, Troy, who gave me a real opportunity to restart my life. He offered me a real life with real opportunities out in Phoenix, Arizona. The rush of new hope and eagerness utterly consumed me, and I quickly fell in love with the man, who was gay and a bit older than me. I began to create a social life through various friends he'd made. As I realized I was not really attracted to the man (which hurt him severely) and I was not actually being very responsible for myself, living situations became very stressful. At one point I had to move out. After managing to enter a Christian ministry home and settling there for about a month, I met some folks on the bus whom I could live with. They were gracious and offered to help fix up my 'emotionally retarded' status. I'd found a job soon after entering the ministry and was able to contribute a fair share here, as well as having my first ever bills. However, over time these folks who'd taken me in started to see me as a threat and a burden. They didn't care whether I had any other friends to take me in, finances or opportunities to live elsewhere...nor did they care that I had found a lot of comfort at their place, enough to deal with my living nightmares and memories all on my own! They didn't even care that I had found friends on my own now, both male and female, though I had the possibility of losing it all if they kicked me out. They just did. They also threatened to call the police on me for trespassing, even after paying three months' rent, respecting their possessions and some degree of privacy... They called me every name in the book, laying me out to be not only a stalker but a rapist, a child molester, a murderer. I'd done nothing of the sort, thought nothing of the sort, and I had the confidence to disbelieve them and show them I was nothing like that. But they didn't care. They had the gang connections to have my neck broken, and I only had the clothes on my back in the end. Actually, I had Troy too. I still love that man, and he is an incredible example of understanding and consideration. He helped me return home, after I'd lost my job and I'd already slept a night on the church doorstop. He gave me a range of opportunities and though it didn't work out, he yet saved my life. But now I'm here again. I have a job with the local greenhouse to give me a few bucks, but otherwise I don't see the point of even leaving the house other than to work or to fetch the mail. ----- There...really...isn't anything for me in this town. I need out. I must continue my life. Honestly, I'm focused on trying to get into a particular university in Australia. I'm quite disgusted with America as a whole, and I don't believe anything could truly remedy the face of capitalism... I saw it in the streets of Arizona, people out of work, only able to find telemarketing jobs, which don't provide a real good or service to anyone...and they could be fired 'at-will,' by anyone up the chain, for any reason, upon any notice. I saw it in the university, where even my friends discussed how they wished to use their knowledge to take as much money from people as they could, because *they* were in control of the knowledge and thus of part of an entire industry. I definitely see it here in Michigan, where the yokels, dead in spirit, drink and yell and objectify the opposite sex...go to church as if it would make it all better...and hide their bitterness from the world (until they decide to get in a fight with a fellow yokel). With no real jobs and no other more meaningful assistance in attaining one's dreams, they perpetuate their own deaths and spend every check in the hopes of living long enough to see another one. The folks who fail to overcome adversity here, end up treating themselves to it in their own little slice of hell. I've always known that I am not like these folks. My mom has raised me well. She's shown me love along with firmness--an inextricable connection between the comforts we seek and the discipline and work that we provide--for ourselves and the world. She's shown me the importance of guarding these concepts within...as well as of keeping an open mind, to consider every possible perspective and to avoid derogating before fully understanding. And she taught me not to lie--however, I have carried this to the extreme, as I believe that open and honest is the only way to live life, even to the point of risking self-harm. I'm the kind of guy who feels bad writing that I came into work on time when I was 3 minutes late. And I'd share anything in the world with you, anything you ask, though you might have a hard time believing me since I'm not actually physically there. I have much hope and positive energy for the future and for all the potential that lies within me. But I do not have a path or anyone who can significantly help me get there. I do have my counselor to discuss matters with...though his ability to help is limited by his own busy life. I have to go now. Gotta share the comp, gotta go see some social event at the park Mom found out about. Might be the most excitement I see this summer. But I hope otherwise. Actually...it was a bunch of old folks watching another old guy play on a guitar. I enjoy my variety in music but it wasn't exactly a social opportunity. When I wrote this post, I was feeling really emotionally gone. I guess I couldn't convey that I'm fighting mood instability. Or maybe I was...I'm a good speculator but I didn't write the psychology book... (?) Anyway, the rough labor at the greenhouse actually gives me a pretty good mood balance at times. And my boss told me about how (when he was young, at least) that planning wasn't half as important as taking action, though they both were. Maybe I am sitting on my hands a bit, but doing something as lofty as leaving the continent and all but deserting the family is an act I'd rather not do alone. My current pals online are all too busy with their own lives... He also asked if I had a girlfriend... I told him I didn't and never have, and joked that maybe I knew how much of a pain in the rump they were. XD After reading folks' concerns here, I'm no less convinced, though I do have my own take on things if you would want to hear personally. This post is already long enough, though... I consider long-windedness a dangerous gift--the more one says, the more one can self-contradict, the prime act of a fool. XD But if anyone has the heart and eyes to read it all... I'll add that I will read anything you have to say--you can PM me, and though I am not always patient, I will always be as considerate as I can. As for my heart... After 18 months of torture, I not only let go of that NY girl's memories...I took the time to consider what caused her to feel that way, act like that...and I realized I could relate to her situation. I forgave her...even though she doesn't want to talk anymore since I did. (Now the folks who kicked me out, and the guy who abused my identity, they never gave me a chance...or the face of Truth and Honesty, for that matter...I only hope that they'll find the help they need to become more decent citizens, though I will not be that helper.) I shall say no more!