neelie

what was the nice item of interest? I wouldn't get too upset over her not responding, I had the same experience recently, running into him at a July 4th party...I sent him a short email: nice to see him, he looked good, etc. if he's ready to get a coffee sometime, but haven't heard from him at all yet! (what do you think?) As for you, don't let her see how much you miss her until you know it's safe. You may want to send her an email or letter, see my latest post on "strategy..." That will be tough since you will run into each other regularly, just hold yourself up high and smile nonchalantly, when you see her and don't ask whose she's been with, it's thinly disguised. Cheers

Hmmm....I think that there is more to this story. What exactly did you say in this letter? If you used foul language or accused her, it's especially hard to forgive as things can be misconstrued over email easily. It seems as though you are blaming a lot of your breakup on her friends....do you really in you heart feel that this is true? More often we continue to date ppl who our friends don't like rather than break up with them bc of our friends. It doens't souond as though you have great communication between you two...so I would write her a letter, and instead of pointing blame at her friends (a BIG no no that will push her away) put the blame on yourself and tell her what exactly it is with examples that you could have done better. But don't beg. You can mention the death of your friend, but again since you didn't even mention it to her, points to a HUGE lack of communication between you two. It's unlikely this death is the only issue making you act the way you act. Good Luck Neelie

thanks lil sparrow...you seem to be a more sensitive guy. I hesitated to tell him at first because he made some comment about not wanting to know about past relationships when I broached the subject early on in the relationship. So I clammed up, not sure if I could trust him with my innermost secrets and probably started to push him away subconsciously. the night we broke up , i said through tears, that "he didn't know what i had been through the last few years"...his response was that it was n't his responsibility. Perhaps he though I was trying to manipulate him?? Unfortunatley later on via email, he tells me that he didn't feel close to me anymore, and that I don't really "talk" to him...so was getting a lot of mixed messages from him. now i'm not sure what to do...don't want to scare him or make it seem like i'm using my past as an excuse, i totally own up to it. thought?

Myjoy Just a woman's perspective...it seems as though she still cares for you. I've been in that situation myself...was depressed and resentful that we weren't spending time together because of work. While I didn't have an affair, I certainly had the opportunity to do so. If indeed her affair was due to some desperate attempt to get your attention, then I think her feelings are still there and she just doesn't know how to communicate her needs to you. Has she indicated that she is in love with this guy-it sounds more like she was craving your attention, even negative attention and hence the affair. After all, she moved to be with you and agreed to try again. Of course, I would proceed carefully since there is someone else involved now, you certainly don't want to come off as vindictive or jealous. Moreover, if she does come back to you, you need to make it absolutely clear that the dynamics in your relaitonship have changed or the same things will happen again. It seems as though you've handled this well and grown a lot...hope it works out and keep us posted with your advice!

thanks for your kind words. I definitely don't want to manipulate him into feeling sorry for me, but to just understand that my anger or hurt wasn't really directed at him. I feel like I never really opened up to him during our relationship. I've kind of just come to terms with this myself and it has been eye opening for me in understanding why I act the way I do.

I was recently going out with someone for six months. Although we really had a lot of fun together I started to pick on him for every little thing, like calling me too late or making plans with his friends without telling me first. We started spending less time together because of his traveling for work and the arguing just got worse. I was unhappy all the time because I never saw but when I did see him I wasn't very nice to him. I told him several times that I didn't think things were working out between us but he always wanted to work things out. Then I blew up at him on the street over a comment his sister made and left him standing on the corner while I drove off in a cab. Later that day over the phone, he said he couldn't handle the fighting anymore, that I had walked out on him too many times and that he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Although we have stayed in contact over email and a bit over the phone, I haven't seen him since. I didn't take this well at all even though I had been telling him I wasn't happy. I became depressed and lost almost eight pounds. It's been a month since we broke up and I've done a lot of thinking. I now know where my anger was coming from and why I'm still so sad. Years ago, I got pregnant and my boyfriend at the time insisted on an abortion even though I wasn't really sure. THen he left me for someone else shortly thereafter and I was left to deal on my own. I've never really gotten over the anger I feel towards the ex and perhaps anger at myself for being treated so badly. In my relationships since then I find myself lashing out at people that I care about for fear of getting hurt again. Even though I really want to be with them, I find myself acting like I don't care or push them away by being negative. But I really care about this last person and want to make it work. Should I tell him my "baggage" and why it cause me to act so unloving towards him? I think it might scare him off-what guy wants to deal with baggage like this? Is it too late to get him back? Please help...