southpaw

Don't lie. My boyfriend is 21 and I'm 24. The right girl for you isn't going to care how old you are...who knows, maybe you'll fall for a younger girl next time. Hopefully you'd give them a shot in the same way you want older women to give you a chance.

Relax, communicate and both of you, stop going to bed angry/disappointed/confused! Do you like oral? Does the pressure phenomenon seem to extend to all sexual activity or just sex?

I know what you mean, I'm a multiple times a day kind of girl too. I actually worry a little from time to time that I might be objectifying my boyfriend at times because it's not like I always want to "make love", half the time I just want sex. Since I became sexually active 8 years ago, there has only been one time when a boyfriend wanted sex and I didn't (the relationship was on the rocks and for once in my life it just didn't seem right). Anyway, my purpose for posting is mainly to let you know that you aren't alone, maybe it's a generational thing, women are growing up with out the inhibitions of their mothers. I wonder if we've almost over compensated, like guys have been sort of programmed now to be considerate and careful not to treat women like objects and be respectful of their boundaries, while we've been encouraged to be more open and demanding of our sexual wants and desires. As for your concern about when he's gone, yes there is always masturbation (fun but I find it just whets the appetite) and such. I wouldn't worry too much, you'll eventually transition to something that works for you. Women can be wonderfully adaptable. I had a 3 and a half year relationship end (so I was used to having sex at least once a day for years) and decided I needed some alone time (didn't want to be a serial monogamist jumping from guy to guy with out pause). So I had no sexual contact with anyone (other then myself...but not that frequently, I guess having a relationship end kind of shifts the focus) for about 8 months. Then I met the ONE and now I'm back to two or three times a day again. You'll be fine, chin up!

As a reformed serial monogamist I can say from personal experience that no, you don't need to fill the "void" with a guy. I would classify myself as a serial monogamist from 16 to 23. I had two 3+ year long relationships in there, so you can see I didn't spend much more then three months alone before hopping from one relationship to the next. I managed to get through about 7 boyfriends in that time period. After my last relationship ended I vowed to take a break from serious dating for a year, mainly to see that I could actually do what I always assumed I could. I've now been single for about 6 months, but I was still really hurting after 3 months (I think that's where you indicated you were). I knew what was good for me and what the "right thing to do" was, but it was still hard. Anyway, I always felt that I didn't really need a guy but was troubled by how quickly I moved from relationship to relationship. I questioned the depth of my relationships (even though I'm still good friends with most of my exes) and our objective compatibility (seems unlikely that I would find all these good fits so quickly together). So if you decide to wait for something really special, you may have to deal with harder issues then making other people love you. You might have to figure out exactly what you believe in, what you want out of life, where you're headed, how you're heading there and if you even like yourself. Any of those questions can be tough depending on the person. I had trouble with all of them but the last, I was shamefully narcissistic (probably still am). Anyway, serial monogamy was fun but it got old after a while.

I think a lot of people are unhappy with some of their past decisions. However, you've identified that you're no longer content with these hasty choices and would like some sort of change. Perhaps you could envision the person you'd like to become, maybe someone with patience, integrity (pick your favorite concoction {

I don't think you have any say about what he chooses to do now that you've broken up, after all, you broke up with him. It can affect whether or not you choose to date him in the future, it the opportunity presents itself. I wouldn't fret about it. If you're still in high school then don't worry, you've got all sorts of relationships ahead of you. I had a high school/beginning of college relationship that lasted for something between 3 and 4 years. We're friendly now but that's it. I know older people say this, but it's true. You're young, enjoy high school. I don't know if you think being whipped by females is a good quality, but trust me. If you guys date a few more years, that lack of spine may start to get on your nerves. You may want to re-examine whether you're renewed interest in this guys is because you genuinely want him back or if his having started dating someone else has stirred your more competitive side. In the meantime, don't interfere or sabatoge their relationship, just stick him in your friends category and move on.

Hockeyboy, I've also read most of your posts over the last few months. I'm trying to learn from your mistakes but I'm confident that I'll make more of my own. I have for the most part followed the four pieces of advice you were originally given at the beginning of this ordeal. It's now been about 3 and a half months and my ex-boyfriend wants to get together for lunch when I get back in town in January. Hopefully I won't act like an overeager puppy. I guess some motivation is that he'd want me back (that's my ego talking), but also, I don't like drawn out endings so I'd like to transition to something less dramatic sometime in the next few months. Anyway, I hope you get the girl...the right one. By the way, that whole neck kiss/prettiest girl I've ever known exchange was HOT!

Between 16 and 18 I was interested in taking lots of classes at the local community college, sex with my long-term boyfriend and water polo. I had good friends that I'd spend time with from time to time (still get together with them now when I'm back in town). Early twenties I was taking up with my new boyfriend (latest ex), still playing water polo and taking classes. I don't think my priorities changed much between 16 and 20ish. I don't think my tastes for men is so much a function of my age as it is of my experience. For example, the first boyfriend (16-19 years old boyfriend) left me with a strong dislike for uncertainty. We'd break up every six months or so and get back together, he'd make statements like "I don't know if I every really loved you" ...in hindsight I would have dumped him the first time he started doubting the relationship. It definitely left me with zero tolerance for any guy that changed his mind. He also wasn't the most verbal person (more computer science/runner type) so after that I went for talkers. I started up with my most recent ex when I was 20. He was the pinnacle of talkers, he'd gone to nationals in debate and could generally argue anyone's view better than she/he could. We dated up until a few months before I turned 24. Now I'm wary of talkers. I guess my recent observation is that I probably won't really find someone long-long term compatible for another 6 years or so. Currently no characteristics are very attractive. I tend to be a bit jaded right now and when I see an endearing quality my more cynical side is like "i dated that quality in someone else and it didn't pan out so well". I realize that the overall product can taste very different depending on what other ingredients you mix something with but ...uh going to breakfast with the family...my opinions are probably a little colored at the moment...interesting thread, would be curious to see what guys have to say about the same topic...

yay trish! I'm so glad to hear that you reached that point. I really appreciate all of your advice and support these past few months. You'll have to post about your various options when you decide to start dating again.

The Salvador Dali fan has a great point. My other favorites are showering with your socks on (how can you not smile when you're wearing socks in the shower) and then you can always chant over and over "No one will ever love me again and I will die alone". I've only done that a few times, you get bored very quickly. Dwelling with movies like Swingers can be fun if you're still in that stage. You had a lot of questions and angst/feelings of unworthiness. Let it go. My birthday was yesterday and my ex didn't send me an email or anything. My best friend was spitting mad about it, I had to calm her down. Your ex told you that she still loved you when you guys broke up, so did mine. Whatever, they're gone now. Do you really want to tell your kids someday that you were hung up on some girl for months at a time? Aren't you tired of being depressed? I sure am. Today I went trail running and it was beautiful. I think one of the best things about the end of a relationship is that colors become so much more vivid and words are so much more meaningful. I recommend Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance if you get bored of feeling sad. I guess everyone heals at different rates and in different ways. I'm somewhere between the third and fourth month and the relationship was 3 and a half years. You will survive to have your heart broken again, I promise. In the mean time, enjoy the ride.

They weren't exes but my friend's mom and dad have an interesting story. They went to high school together. The mom actually ended up marrying another guy, Kevin, (that also went to high school with them) and she transferred to Kevin's college (where my friend's father was also, UC Berkeley) and married Kevin. They got divorced after 8 years and then she ended up with friend's dad, Larry, and they've been married for over 25 years. The funny thing is that in her mother's year book, her father wrote "hey if you and kevin ever break up give me a call, Larry" or something like that. There is also a picture of them at their prom where her mother and father are back to back, both talking animatedly with their dates. I guess it's not what you were asking for exactly but I like the story. I've heard a lot more stories of people being devastated by a lost love only to find someone else a few years later that was a better match. My parents are a prime example. My dad took off to Mexico with the AFSC (American Friends Service Committee) as alternate service (my dad's side of the family is Quaker). Anyway, he's just gotten his heart ripped out by this professor's brat from Michigan (they were engaged, she broke it off) and he was in the middle of getting his physics Ph.D but he couldn't really focus or concentrate. So about a year or so in Mexico, my mom shows up. She's Japanese but was born in Brazil and had lived there all her life, the daughter of an Episcopalian minister. They ended up falling in love and they're coming up on 38 years. Most of the ex relationships I've heard of that got back together didn't last. Including my own. I dated a guy for about 4 years when I was in high school and at the beginning of college. He broke up with me when he started college (I was a year younger) and then he came back, said there weren't any other girls like me, missed my stories (usual BS that exes say when they want back in) and then we got back together. We dated another 5 months or so, broke up for 5 months, got back together and then dated another year or so. It's kind of hazy, in retrospect I could have been doing better things with my time. My last relationship lasted a solid (no break ups) 3 and a half years and then ended this September, right as we were both starting graduate school together (same school different departments). Do I ever think about contacting him? Sure, I do. We had a wonderful relationship and I still love him. But I think it's better if I just leave it like that. No drawn out conversations where we feel hurt and frustrated, no begging or pleading. I think that Margaret Mitchell quote pretty much sums it up "I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived." Sorry, I kind of went off on a tangent, guess I've just been thinking lately and you gave me an excuse to express some of those thoughts. All of my friends that got back together with an ex have eventually ended. However, this could just be a function of my age.

Hi Confused Chick, We may all seem a little sensitive as most of us have had our hearts smashed by someone in the not-so-distant past, myself included. I'll throw in my own experience. I haven't spent longer than 3 months alone since I started my first relationship when I was 16. I'm almost 24, and while two of those relationships took up about 6 years of my life, I think that's kind of pathetic in hindsight that I kept jumping into new relationships rather than really giving myself a chance to be alone and on my own. As scary as it might seem, you really should be on your own for a while. You can show your ex and more importantly, yourself, that you've matured. It is very important though, that you gain your own respect, as you'll be stuck with your own company for the rest of your life. How would you view someone that rebounds from person to person, maybe with pity, maybe with anger, definitely with empathy, but you certainly would not feel inspired. Whenever I miss my ex and feel sad, I realize that it's not just because I miss him. It's also because I miss the general construction of a loving relationship (the important qualities in a good partner aren't unique to one person) and I regret the times when I used sex and wasting time with him as a distraction from either developing a talent or thinking about an idea that requires hard work and concentration. While there are many positive things that come out of a loving relationship, it is often times used as a shield. It allows people to overlook things about themselves that they don't really like and are too tired or lazy to fix. (Yeah, my career is disappointing, I am unhappy with my body, I flaked out on my friend....but someone loves me.) Being in love and having that love returned almost seems to be enough to soothe any hurt in your life. So now I challenge you to let go of that crutch. Work on yourself and make yourself into a person that you can respect and love. Don't do things half-a**. Put yourself in a situation where at the end of the day, if you don't succeed, you know it isn't your fault, because you truly tried your best, be it in a relationship, at work, whatever. Try it for a year and maybe by the end of the year, while you may or may not get back with your guy, you'll like yourself enough to avoid self-destructive behavior. Good luck!

Background: My ex and I were together for three and a half years. He was a year below me in school so I took a year off and worked so that we could go to graduate school together. Our relationship always seemed rock solid, we never took breaks, we rarely fought and we always talked through our problems. I vacationed with his family (both parents and his three sisters) every summer and it seemed like we were good together. He is from Indiana and I'm from California. About a month before graduate school started, he moved into his new apartment with some people from his department and started a lab rotation. Anyway, he went from calling me several times a day to pretty much not calling unless I called him and asked a specific question that he had to answer (e.g. what is your hat size?). So he distanced himself from me for about a month and then I came out to school. I tried to talk to him about it but he avoided it. We were supposed to meet and talk about it but he kept backing out of meeting. Finally after trying to decipher his cryptic responses and read into his behavior I finally sent him an email that was like "Hey, when you're breaking up with your next girlfriend you might want to just tell her what's going on instead of making her wonder what's going on and crying about it. I don't know what's going on but things have obviously changed. Have a nice life, consider us broken up." I was really pissed, I hit rock bottom that day. So he responded with this email of how he loved me but couldn't see us getting married and he couldn't talk to me before because it was an implicit lie, etc." I wrote back an email a day later that was like "I wish you'd told me sooner but I understand. When you get back (he was at a retreat for his department) maybe we can meet to talk about it." So we met, there was some small talk for a while and then we actually talked. He reached over and took my hand and said that he loved me. I was like "you love me as a friend" and he was like," well that too". He went on and said that he couldn't see us getting married because we had lived together for 3 years and that it ruined the mystique. Whatever the hell that means... Anyway, he said something about seeing where we were at later and asking if we could hang out sometime. I was silent for about 2 minutes until he finally was like "well, I'll tell you what, I'll ask you out and you can say no". He also said some stuff about wanting me in his life and that I was his best friend. I told him that if he was going to ask me out that he should wait a couple of months. I see him about once a week at the pool. We play the same sport, water polo (we both started on the men's team in college together, but I'm a girl) and I started some scrimmages at our new school once a week when the girls team isn't practicing (I'm on the girls team). It's been about two and a half months since I was forced into breaking up with him. Does anyone think that "lost mystique" sounds like bull? Anyway, I guess my actual question is to ask some of the "survivors" how long it took to get over the relationship to the point where they could get through the day without even thinking of the other person. Also, has anyone got over a break up with out dating anyone else? I haven't been single longer than three months since I was 16 so I'm vowing to stay single for a year. I was wondering if I could really get over my ex without dating someone. At this point whenever i see him I'm friendly but I try not to be overly friendly. It's a little hard sometimes because he can be so funny and familiar. Anyway, I've been reading some of the posts and I find all of them very helpful, just knowing how supportive everyone is of each other and that my ended relationship isn't unique. As far as No Contact is concerned, I've stuck to it pretty much except to respond (briefly) to a few emails he sent me that asked about a coaching position (I sort of hooked him up with a coaching position after we broke up) and then I see him at the pool or gym from time to time. Any words are appreciated, thanks!

to the person that started this topic...lostladylove or something like that...

Your posts interested me because I have been experiencing a similar situation. I recently ended a three and a half year long relationship. While I officially ended it, he basically put me in a position where I could not remain in the relationship and maintain any dignity. The strange thing is that we had a wonderful, scandal-less, healthy relationship up until the end. Without going into the long specifics of my history, he ultimately said that he couldn't see us getting married. I've experienced and felt many of the emotions that you've expressed in your various postings. I heartily agree with the advice that many other people have given you, don't call him. You really need time to heal from the relationship and that entails a lot of feeling bad and possibly hanging out with your parents and friends. Try not to keep tabs on what he's doing and with whom he's doing things. It will only delay your growth. The other thing you will want to avoid is hopping into another relationship and transferring your feelings to the next guy. One thing that has really helped me is the knowledge that my break up is not unique and that I don't want to waste my time chasing some guy around that doesn't want to be with me. As a default serial monogamist, I can tell you that confused guys that can't make up their minds about how they feel about you, quickly lose their charm. Your ex sounds a bit like a guy I dated in high school and college, he was my first love too. The good news is that you'll probably be careful the next time around about dating the emotionally uncertain types. Anyway, good luck and keep me posted...do your parents, friends and yourself proud and cut him off...