southpaw

I appreciate it. I hear a little bit of my situation in all of your posts, and once a week is certainly less of a compromise than once a year. Thanks again.

I was wondering if anyone had any constructive experience with dealing with a disparity in sex drives. My boyfriend is more of a once a week kind of guy and I'm more of a once a day. I don't like pestering him about it because it just makes him want to have sex less. Is anyone out there having sex less frequently than he/she wants but it's working out? (No hidden resentment/hostility). Has anyone had experience ignoring his/her libido? I guess I could just masturbate more...I know there are some people on this site that feel that differences in sex drive are insurmountable but I'd really like to hear from some of the experienced optimists out there.

It seems a lot of anguish, anxiety and in general, wasted energy, goes into worrying and attempting to change who or what we truly are in an attempt to be what we think we should be. I'm not talking about self-improvement but rather how people often limit themselves by trying to become someone they are not, whether that's by pursuing the career they believe they should want or trying to be in the relationship with the person that they think they should have. We don't always know what's best for us, so perhaps it comes down to the pithy discernment prayer (I wouldn't describe myself as a religious person but I don't sneer at good advice when I see it): God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. God or not, it is indeed a good gift to have, and it would save many people a great deal of grief (certainly me) for the remainder of their lives.

I read it in a study by Dr. Grottman. Apparently there's also a positive correlation besides the amount of housework a man does and better physical health four years later...perhaps the geriatric gods are reading up on how to manipulate men as well.

Do you like rock climbing, skiing, snowboarding or some other sport that allows you a little alone/nature time? Perhaps you could take some philosophy courses or challenge yourself in some way besides the social realm. I have no idea what interests you but clearly social dynamics have worn thin (I prefer other sorts of dynamical systems...like an anasov diffeomorphism on the torus The little glimpse of your life that you shared is understandably unfulfilling. I'd suggest stretching yourself a bit before dismissing all the world has to offer on the basis of the club scene. My boyfriend is kind of like you in that he's turned down a fair share of girls for sex because he wanted something a little deeper than that. It's worked out so far, he builds autonomous robots and I'm off in math grad school. We play well together, not that finding a relationship is all that important at the moment but I bet you'll find a good fit in the future (there are other guys out there besides you that are more than just a penis looking for shelter). I think there are many places you're more likely to bump into a girl that will intellectually kick your * * * than at a bar or club. So yeah, maybe challenge yourself and try and grow in other ways for now and not only will you shake some of that Fitzgerald-ish boredom but maybe you'll meet an interesting female while you're entertaining yourself.

It sounds like you've sort of lost yourself in this relationship a bit. There's a good read by Beverly Engel called Loving Him without Losing You. It's about holding on to your true self while still being in a healthy relationship. Women sometimes seem more willing to lose a part of themselves in relationships that men often do not, you could probably come up with an explanation relating to compartmentalization in addition to others. Anyway, it's a good book and it sounds like even if you were talking to your boyfriend as frequently as you'd like, there would still be a focus/identity issue for you...it may be worth your time to look into it.

My best friend was sleeping on this guy's couch for a few terms cause she needed a place to stay (I was living 2000 miles away and she need to continue working in Pasadena). I visited her over spring break and we hopped into bed with said guy platonically, started New Year 2005 in bed together. There was a mutual attraction between me and the owner of the bed that was later acted on during spring break (late March 2005). It'll be a year on March 25th, and he and I will be living together starting this summer...I'm so glad.

Don't worry about it, like you said, it's moot. My boyfriend is going to go bald in about 8 years (he's 22 and I'm 25...it's in the genes for him) and given his all or nothing mentality he'll very likely soften into a marshmellow after this last year of track (sprinters don't seem to continue training/working out after college). I don't care; I'm going to enjoy watching him change (cause i get to be around for it) and chances are, half of those gray hairs and wrinkles will be my doing. I like that, there is a sense of investment. I doubt that I'm the only girl that feels this way, also, given how self-conscious many people are about their own bodies, as long as you're making her feel sexy, she's not going to go looking elsewhere. On a semi-related note, I've read that there is a positive correlation between women's satisfaction with the guy's participation in the housework with men's satisfaction in the amount of sex in the relationship. You may not care/need that little tidbit but I thought it was interesting and perhaps someone else will read this thread and find it helpful/entertaining. Oh yeah, baggage, seems like we all have it. I'm definitely on the same side of the fence that you're on, I've never left someone I ever told I loved (I used to tell my friends that I'm kind of like an Ivy League school...kind of hard to get into but once you're there it's pretty hard to fail out), so I've had a few 3.5 year relationships end. It hurt a lot and I've worried about trust as well or thought of things in the inevitable when he leaves...but I shouldn't do that and neither should you. Seeing how you appear to be a sticker (as am I) in relationships, if would be pretty naive to think we were the only two people like that in the whole world. Seems like at some point in this random walk of life, we will (have) bumped into people that will love us forever no matter what, just as we love them.

I agree with the other two, it really isn't age so much as where you are in your lives and whether or not you want to make it work. My boyfriend and I have a little over three years of a difference, I'm 25 and he is 22, but it's not an issue. I was a little hesitant at first because I thought perhaps the age difference would matter but I've found it doesn't for the most part. It does help if you're in similar situations in life, he's a senior in college and I'm in my second year of grad school (living 2000 miles apart) but we're both students so we can empathize. There are moments where I notice the difference, just that he was taking the GRE's and I thought, ah yes, I remember doing that or I noticed some of the students in my office hours are his age, but the gap gets smaller as we're together longer, just as it is for any two people that date for a while.

Sounds good, you've got a great attitude and I think you're going to grow a lot from this!

So I've been thinking about this myself; being intimate with another woman with/without my boyfriend present at the time. Ignoring the possibilities of jealousy and such, I'm curious what happens when everyone has gotten their rocks off. I can see how it would be exciting and titillating during the act, but what about afterwards? Do the three of you snuggle together? Once the lust-induced haze is gone, what happens? Personally, I would imagine it to be awkward and not worth the novelty, but maybe that's just prudishness and inexperience talking.

My boyfriend's penis is the perfect size; but it's perfection is dictated by the fact that it belongs to him and not by some sort of intrinsic size value. In my book, perfect size would be a dependent variable, relying on the free variable which in my particular case, can be equated to him. I can't really comment objectively about size because the value of a penis to me is completely coupled with whom it's attached to... I do think this common penis concern mainly stems from men's insecurities/worries about pleasing the woman that they're with. Any insecurities I have about my breasts (which I actually don't; they're mine, they're proportional, perky B's that stand on their own and they love to be touched by the right guy...if they were long and droopy then they'd still be mine and i'd love how snuggly they filled out a built in bra tank top or that I could stick them in my mouth and they'd still love to be touched by the right guy...whatever, the love of my breasts would remain no matter where my boobs lay in the span of these two independent eigenboobage vectors...hehe) would stem from a worry that in some way my boyfriend found me unpleasing to him. So there is the concern that if you're lacking the right equipment to begin with that no amount of oral ability, romance, whatever would be enough, or there might be fear that this might be necessary "compensation". So as many pointed out, you want to restrict your attention (whether you're huge or itty bitty by societal standards...how we define even those modifiers clearly deviates enormously based on reading this thread) to those people that are completely satisfied by what/who you are...unless you prefer feelings of inadequacy, because clearly there is not one penis in the world that would satisfy every single woman in the world (proof: it is clear there isn't one penis that would satisfy every woman that posted in this thread). If penis size factors into that, then even if you measure up you may consider this requirement on his/her part grounds for being disinterested in that person...just as it was mentioned earlier about the girl that wouldn't give the time of day to a guy if he wasn't tall enough..the man measured up but declined the lady in his own way.) Continuing on with everyone's right to preference and mandates...I require a man that sees me as more than a sum of my parts. This thread was curious about penile preferences and I've given mine. Sorry if I'm incoherent, it's 4:30 am and I'm pretty tired.

Focusing on the life that your ex-significant other is leading is an emotional "cruising for a bruising". Just worry about yourself and what you need to be fulfilled. You hear the cliche about working on yourself and just worry about completing yourself...well I swear it's true. You may even be in a position right now where you feel like you're great and you're just waiting for Ms. Wonderful to show up and recognize it...but keep looking, and dig deeper. If you see the same thing then looking didn't hurt anything. Like many people, I originally came to this site because I had a pretty functional relationship 3 and a half year relationship end and I was devastated. Whatever fears you have about finding someone you like as much, just put those aside. You will. Also, as far as age goes, there's a difference between 20 years of experience and then a year of experience repeated 20 times...this isn't necessarily you, but go ahead and review those past relationships and see if there are any common threads. Sometimes we're doomed to keep replaying the same story over and over until we recognize patterns, figure out the source and fix them. If this doesn't apply to you then disregard it...

I'm not upset with frequency, twice a day is fine. I was just curious if it was a subconscious turnoff because it is easily acquired with out struggle or pretense. Then again, if I were to have a boyfriend that wanted sex slightly more frequently than me (which is the reverse of my boyfriend and I) I wouldn't mind and would probably approach it the same way that he currently does (joke about it and feign that he's a sex addict). But then, I'd also feel pretty desirable too and it's quite conceivable that that's how he feels on a subconscious level so maybe I'll stop overanalyzing this and assume he feels like a sex god on all lower cognition levels (which he already seems to think on a conscious level). I think male confidence can be completely inflated off the satisfaction of one woman. Cheeky bastards!

Men and women have some differences in what actually gets them off, personally, looking at body parts doesn't really get me off, like I wouldn't be turned on by seeing a picture of a hot guy and then masturbating to it. I may have some sort of physiological reaction but for whatever reason I'm not compelled to masturbate based off a photo. I'm going to make some generalizations and then people can all jump on my back about it. Whatever. Here's my analogy, porn is to men as romance novels are to women. Men could argue "how am I going to live up to a fictional character that says all the right things, has the perfect body, hair, brooding sexy disposition, etc..." I have certainly masturbated to my fair share of romance novels, sometimes while in relationships and it has nothing to do with my boyfriend or my satisfaction in the relationship. I find it sexually arousing and sometimes I like to masturbate to it. It doesn't diminish my love for my boyfriend nor change the fact that I wouldn't trade his often obnoxious self for anyone. It's hard to say that men shouldn't look/masturbate to porn when many females wouldn't find a picture of a gorgeous, beautifully sculpted, naked man sexually arousing enough to make them want to masturbate. I don't think a picture of my boyfriend, in all his naked glory, would be an image that I would want to masturbate to (and I find him incredible sexy but a pic is not enough)...but the fantasy of him touching me, etc...yeah that would do it. This might be a digression, my point is that I probably can't knock seemingly normal male behavior or pretend to understand all of its implications since I'm not a male...there are quite possibly biological differences). As far as the question of couple friendly porn, I read about Vivid Girl productions (something like that) which are supposed to have more semblance to a plot and it's geared towards couples. In regards to making peace with your significant other looking at porn, well maybe ask him about it, maybe try and talk to him candidly about it and explain your insecurities. See if you're convinced one way or the other if him watching porn has anything to do with the health of your relationship and decide what it is about it that's bothering you. There are plenty of guys that have hot girlfriends that still look at porn, it says nothing about how attractive he thinks you are. For those of you that have moral qualms or feel like this is some slight on you/you're being insulted, well, you can choose to feel that way and break up with him if you feel so strongly about it. There are guys out there that really don't look at porn and you can date one of those guys. Plenty of girls don't read romance novels. I go in and out of phases myself.