skeeter

How's it going Rion? I really can say with all that you've described you have shown every sign and feeling I had and after 2.75yrs still feel. But the pain isn't as bad although still don't like the feeling I have inside. Look forward to seeing another post with an update. Take care!

Rion I know those words "I need to find myself" It's the same thing as saying I want my cake and eat it too. If we get caught up in believing there is someone better for us then we already have then why even get married. We get married for the reason we want to be with that person no matter what for the rest of our lives. Its been nearly 3 yrs for me and I am still having bad times with it all. My Ex has kept her boyfriend relationship a secret to my son and me. I know he's more then just a friend but she nor he will admit it to anyone. My daughter says differently and the Ex gets mad at her for telling me things or for us even talking about it. The frst thing is we aren't supposed to as parents be inclluding our children in our problems. What a joke because they gew up with our problems and they see the changes. Anyway there is no easy way to get over the way you feel. If you love your wife only you can decide for yourself what is best for you. Seperation is needed if u think u need to move on. Praying for ya!

Filing for divorce is a big step. It can finalize a decision and also damage any feelings that may be there. What happens if your husband reacts towards reconciliation the minute he receives divorce papers? If you considered reconciling after such was done then I'd consider it a threat if I were your husband. I don't know how long this has been going on for you, but if you really love the guy and he's not returning calls maybe you should just move on w/o the divorce and give him space. When you talk the next time ask him if he wants the divorce and work it out civily through mediator and not go to attorney's that will seemingly take advantage of the both of you and push both of you to go after each others throats just so they can make money. The longer they keep you from a quick settlement the more money they will make. It is their nature to cause chaos between the 2 of you. I know this because my Ex wife was after me for what she could get out of me and I sat back and watched her run up her lawyer bill to almost triple of what mine was. In the end...I renovated my whole house to her likings and am signing the home over to her so she and the kids have what I worked for all these years. She keeps me in her life and hates when I don't talk to her. I am still hurting after 2 1/2 yrs but I can't change her feelings. I can only be her friend and stay in her life like she wants me to if I'd ever expect her to turn around and want me back. I have 2 kids 13 and 17 and its very hard for me to not live with them anymore. But after being with my Ex for 21 yrs its also hard to let go. Facing the challenge of a friendship with her is something I feel I need to do for myself and for my kids. 2 parents that walk away from each other and never talk leave the kids with no choice but to side with either parent and the child can sometimes lose what could have been a great relationship with both of them. I know I have to move on. But to keep my kids happy I share time with them and my Ex.

Mid Life Crisis is "REAL" I have known many if have gone through it. Some without the involvement in marital affairs and some with. Does an affair always ruin a marriage for the remaining years of your life together? What happen to "For Better or Worse" I can think of far more worse things that can happen then some stupid marital affair. Do you think it is easy to get involved with someone else while married and be able to tell your spouse you are having an affair? Do all affairs lead to divorce? And if the affair is a secret is it because of what some will say here "Maybe your husband is bored" If Mid Life Crisis set in on you and you had an affair for an uncontrollable reason would you expect your husband to love you for better or worse? Don't get fooled by what others think. Only you know how much your husband means to you. You have a child and I believe if there is no physical violence or abuse that is harmful to you or your child then the best interest for your child is to have both his or her parents to be together showing him/her the love. Too easy to get divorced these days. Divorce is all about money its not about the kids. There is a Judge in Mississippi who once wrote a column in a magazine stating "In the 25 years as a divorcing Judge she has only seen parents give their children 2nd best and rarely ever what is really best" Her meaning of this was.... "What is the best for your child is that both parents stay together and work out their differences and give that child the love they deserve"!!!! After all it was the two of you that brought the child into this world. it wasn't by their choice. However the child needs both parents together not divorced.

I have to agree with the others. I am divorced myself. Its almost 3 years and as time goes by it gets less harder to cope with the pain that you are hit with. I do not think affairs are the worst we can do to each other. Sometimes growing together in an immature way is the problem that causes our marriages to dissolve. Understanding and give and take is what keeps arguments to a minimal amount. The less we understand the more we tend to argue. I was with my Ex for 21 yrs and married to her for 17. Although affairs did become a part of both of our lives the only reason we decided to keep it going longer after the affairs that were encountered was because we both forgave each other. Truthfully I do not think we can decide that easy to just end a marriage thinking life is better else where. I think we end it to find out who we are and what we really want. The only problem is one always gets hurt more then the other. But we aren't alone in this world. So many people are divorced and living life either happier or still rebuilding their independence. I still talk to my Ex and hang out with her and my kids. It really does hurt but, I am doing it for my kids and to rebuild my strength for independence. She knows I still love her and that is normal for the one who was heart broken. If a time gets me through it all and I meet someone else someday then I guess I'll let go of my feelings for her. But until that happens, I can't force anything on her, I can only be her friend and let her see I am ok with her decision and if we get along better then we ever did in our marriage then I guess the marriage is what made us both mature and realize our mistakes made with each other. And who knows what's in the future. No one can really answer for you but you will know soon enough what feelings you really do have and what feelings are worth or not worth holding onto.

Michele..... I understand your message well! I will look into getting the book you mentioned. I think part of my problem as well is my financial situation and working on getting caught up on all my debts because I got so far behind do to the divorce and other things. Once I feel financially stable I may find myself more at ease and able to go out and have some fun. I've always been a meterialistic type of guy or venture to say whatever I do for fun always cost money. Now that I have been living my last 2 years without spending much at all I am starting to realize that material items weren't would made me happy. When I go without talking to my Ex somehow, someway she gets through to me and I get stuck talking to her. She will ask why I do not return her calls and why I ignore her? I told her she has a life by choice of her own and I think it is unfair to me to be dragged into her life as someone she depends on to do things all the time for her. She says that's not what she alwasy calls me for and I told her sorry but it is. She will also say to me that I can only Love her or Hate her and their is no in between. I tell her, I never hated anyone and never will. So if I dont ever talk to her it has nothing to do with hate. She will then say that she would never do that to me and cut me out of her life. Anyway I do understand your point and I am always trying my best to overcome my feelings towards her. I have come a long way and I have to want to believe it will get even better. One of her most common things to throw at me is "It's always about YOU, YOU, YOU....so no matter what I do she has a way of making everything I do sound as if I am doing it for myself and that I will never change and that's why we are so different from each other and why she wanted the divorce. It's all BS to me. But I guess I do sometimes wonder to myself if I am doing or thinking of myself too much. Thanks for your response Michele

Rainababe sorry for misunderstanding your first response. I can see your valid point here. David its good you can come to terms and make a decision very quickly. I think the quicker the better. Good Luck to you buddy.

RianaBabe....... It sounds almost like you are aggravated with David's situation! I think what David is looking for here is not what you would do to your boyfriend but what he should do to help himself move on. You came accross as if you tend to live in a relationship as if it were your way or the highway and if someone is not on their best behavior or perfect its adios. True believers in real commitment will work through all obstacles if the communication is strong. Sometimes maturity is all it takes. Maturity is not developed overnight and relationships are work to keep it together.

David, Coming from experience of livng with Ex which I've done myself is mentally unhealthy for both of you. Your Ex can show it doesn't effect her like it does to you because she has lost her feelings for you and has moved on. You on the other hand with being near her are doing exactly what all hurt people want to do and that is to dwell on our mistakes and as long as they are in your sight what can you do to make it up to them. The truth of it is. She needs to feel the loss of you before she will ever gain any feelings back. Wanting something we can't have is what triggers those feelings. You should let her go or ask her to move out. It will give you the chance to either heal and be happy independently as well as give her time to be independent and adjust to not being around you. If she keeps in touch with you when she is on her own it will be for you to decide on what you want. Definitely don't smother her in apologies. She knows you still love her and she doesn't need to hear that from you. If she wants to be your friend let her prove it to you. I am in a far worse prediciment and my Ex's friendship is not a friendship, its a dependency. She depended on me for 21 years and still does. But I am tired of being called to tend to her needy things for the sake of being near her or for the friendship she calls it. Some times your damned if u do and damned if u don't. But the truth is I know what I want and you probably know what you want. It's something we both can't have right now. But we can both let go and move on and build our independence towards liking ourselves for who we are and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. You have a whole life ahead of you. I'm not old but I am 41 and I still love my Ex but don't want to get caught in her trap. We feel lost without the person we expected to be with all our lives but, its a temporary thing. How long it takes to get over is not a known thing. Who knows we may never get over it however I am sure we will find happiness somehow someway someday when we least expect it. Your Ex like my Ex aren't the ones that have been dumped on so they don't look at is wearing our shoes. Maybe your Ex and mine has looked at it before making their decisions to leave us but did they really talk to us or include us in their real honest feelings and try to open our eyes to what could happen. So look at it as it will be her loss when you have regained your strenth to move on and if she wants you back before you meet someone else then you can always make a choice for yourself when your mind is free of the feelings you have for her. It wouldn't be a rebirth of your relationship for the sake of insecurity. It would be something you both then can be very open to and talk about your expectations before you involved yourselves with each other again because you both are free of the feelings you had and more determined to be with each other for better reasons. Good Luck to you!!! I know how you feel. Almost 3 years for me and still not healed.

In response to the "If You Love Someone Set Them Free"....... Yes you are right K8tie, it does sound exactly like an excuse for her to do exactly just that and that is whatever she wants. As far as the reason she divorced me hmmmm, ,,,,,,, Communication was a real problem in our marriage. And through the hard times we did have our share of disagreements and maybe at times I was a bit selfish to really listen to the words she expressed and had to have it my way. But, she was very unreasonable herself. Let's say most everyone is on my side knowing my Ex did wrong by me and my kids. She used sex as a weapon in our marriage. Never used it for what its real purpose serves. She will say she can live w/o it for the rest of her life. So to be really honest about why she divorced me....well I'd really have to say she was probably feeling like things would never get better between us and contemplating seperation and in the midst met this other guy and took off with her feelings to seeing the grass to be greener on the other side. I really can't say her reason for divorce was for her independence and or because it was just for time to separate and see if things could change. A change of heart fell into it all and made it easier for her to just do it.

Being much older and more mature I can say a broken heart is a broken heart. You can find my story under Healing and broken heart after divorce. However I would like to say this, If you truly do love him NC is the best thing. Wanting something we can't have only hurts us more. Learning this at a younger age will make it easier for you when you yourself mature more. I got involved when I was 18 with my now Ex after 21 years together. I am still hurting after nearly 3 years of seperation and divorce. I know I am hurting more so because the Ex tries to use me and manipulate me and with the love I've always had for her and still do I find it hard to resist her requests just hoping someday she will realize what she let go of. But I'm starting to also realize for myself that I can't ever break away from feeling bad, lonely, or insecure if I continue to talk to her. You really can't make someone love you. No matter what we say or do real love comes from the heart and committment will only be true committment if both want it. If you keep pursuing him and he starts feeling sorry for you then any committment that follows will only be a rebound. You are so very young. Please give yourself time. Time to mature. You have a whole life ahead of you. Meeting over the phone was definitely different and if you haven't given it any thought before, go out and expose yourself more. Finish your degree. Get into the business world and you will find someone out there that wats you for who you are. Be fortunate you are only 21 and not already married with kids and being dumped on. Besides your being successful may be just an immature side of him that he is jelous about and won't admit to it right now. Maybe in time he will call you again. Maybe he is taking time off from you because he really does like the music scene and doesn't want to affect your goal right now. He might also want you to mature more for he might be afraid of being dumped on in the near future because you are successful. I hope something I said here helps. Good Luck to you!

K8tie.... I can relate very well to what you are saying. I just don't understand how a person can be so mentally cruel to another. I gave her a home and let her stay home to raise the kids for 13 years before she returned to work again. I totally disrespect the young guy who is only 29 and she is 41. He got involved with a married woman and played part in breaking up a family meaning not just me and my Ex but my kids as well. My son is 17 and now hates the guy. My daughter is 13 and says she likes it better when he isn't around. The Ex has given the kids some relief by not spending time with him in their presense and from what my kids tell me almost hardly at all. But I know its all just a matter of time that something will change again. And she will reinvite him to spend time with her at her place whether the kids like it or not. She almost ignores the guy when she is around people that know her. Its a very weird thing. I don't know how the guy can be involved with her and being subject to a relationship with her in denile. I think it is so wrong that it is a big secret for my kids sake. It's giving them the wrong guidance. If I got involved with someone my kids would be the first to know. If they were against it I would consider their feelings and not push them to accept. I would if very happy with the woman tell them I will spend time with her w/o involving them. If I wasn't certain about the relationship I would consider what my kids want and let go. I would never get involved with a married woman to be a part of destroying a family under any circumstances. It seems like a trend in this world where older women are now seeking younger men. And these younger ones are willing to be caught up in like I mentioned earlier, a denied relationship. I consider the guy to be lying like my Ex to both of my kids giving them the wrong meaning of love and life and right from wrong. Sometimes I want to approach the situation and confront the Jerk telling him he is a real lowlife to have came between Me, my wife and my kids. And him being worried about betraying my Ex by admitting to my kids he loves her and wants to be with her all the time is a man with no BALLS. But again I do understand what you said and appreciate your response. I hope to get more from you and others as I continue to respond myself. Just trying to overcome all the pain and feeling so empty all the time.

I can't imagine how long it will take to feel free and happy again. I've been separated from my Ex for nearly 3 years. The divorce was final 1 year ago. I was with her for nearly 22 years and have 2 kids. Both are grown but still have some years left before they are on their own. The Ex met a guy before the divorce 11 yrs younger then herself. He's a divorced guy with 2 young kids that live 3000 miles away. The Ex has never admitted to anyone that he is her boyfriend. And to this day claims he is just a friend. It really hurts because she keeps trying to talk to me and wanting me to be her friend and be a a part of her life but yet, she tries to manipulate me into believing its ok to be in a marriage or relationship and have opposite gender friends that you hang out with everyday. Or shall I say its ok when we were married for her to go out all weekend with another guy that was just a friend. She knows very much I want her back and when she involves me in this so called friendship she wants to have with me, its always a friendship around my kids. Never to call me up and say let the 2 of us go out to dinner or do something together as friends. All other times she calls me is to ask me can you fix this or fix that on my car, or in her condo or whatever. Never does the boyfriend have to lift a finger. I could say so much here but would like to stop here and see what kind of feedback I get before continuing. I'm just trying to weigh out my situation and getting ideas from others here. My Ex believes the expression, "If You Love Someone Set Them Free. If They Come Back To You It's Meant To Be." I'd like to hear from as many women as possible their view on this and maybe get a better understanding from a womans point of view.

Go back to school guys..... You can assume ur penis width to be 1.5" and also assume it's girth by multiplying the width by 3.14 known as PIE in Algebra.... So Krylon u can assume ur's to be 4.75 around (Girth) Bro!

I personally do not like a girl with a real haeavy bush.... I prefer thin strip and prefer it to still have some shape to it.... I used to use an electric shaver and trim my girls hair and also get creative and do a lightning bolt, a heart, or initials. As far as feel.... depends on the thickness of the hair. No hair is smooth as can be. short stubbies can be scratchy feeling. Trimmed lighltly is the best.

What sometimes should happen that doesn't happen is the girls are the ones that don't usually orgasm from penetration however, if they have the slightest chance it's in their best interest to find what works for them. Ask ur girl to take charge of ur sexual activities such that she gets on top and takes control of all the movement and or finds a position that maybe does work but keep in mind she needs to be the one that is in control of how ur pecker penetrates. Other then that oral is the best!!

I really have to agree with Sprkl here..... probably the most valid reason. The only other reason would be if you were a well figured girl w/ hot bod and chest then maybe how he is packed below is playing a role in his mind to want to display right now. Although size should never matter but at his age he can have a hangup about his size. I myself wouldn't know of course but, do you know urself? But getting back to his anorexic disorder...... I was never anorexic but I was extremely skinny at his age. I hated to wear shorts nevertheless get naked in front of my g/f. So, you really need to help him through his disorder first before being so hung up with him not wanting you intimately. Being skinny like I was and by the sound ur b/f is leads to depression and depression steals ur self-esteem. Start educating urself w/ his disorder and learn how to help him if you really love him. Sex is much more satisfying when you feel good about urself....... It's really hard to make someone happy if u aren't happy urself or with urself! Besides in my opinion there is alot at stake here. Condoms are not 100% guaranteed and being 14 wouldn't be a good age to have to tell dear old Mom & Dad you are pregnant????

Danielle........... You say ur bf is ok with not receiving hmmmmmmmm!!! Do you really believe that???? What guy out there and for all the guys reading this are ok with this as well...... Let's take a POLL on this one! LOL Maybe I could say I'm ok with it but, seriously I am fooling myself by it and also missing out. After all a relationship should be 50/50 give and take.... Anyway Danielle more power to yah! He's an understanding bf yah got there but trust me he's a guy and guy's like blowjobs. Let's see if the POLL corrects me....LOL Maybe for his b-day u can give him one.... If he accepts then you can tell him to enjoy it while it lasts b/c it only cums once a year LOL Just playing wit yah gurl! But u did open my eyes to something here and it would be quite interesting to know how many guys are ok as you say ur bf is with never getting a BJ!!!

Awwwwwwwww Sweatpea..... lighten up...... you take things too personal... I couldn't resist to mess wit yah........ must of been the Lil in me... LOL

sweetpea4670...............it's just a pet peeve and u'll probably grow out of it....... maybe u should concentrate on the topic more. People like to get answers to their questions. dude6179 as per ur question....... never can say i ever felt i had to pee during MASTERBATION So I can't answer if this is normal but can say your body won't allow u to urinate and cum at same time! And usually if you cum first it will take u a few minutes before u can pee which is also a normal instance of how the body functions.

j459.......... Man I know how you feel...... you care about her and you want reassurance to feel good. But you have to do yourself a favor and rebuild your independence, ur self-esteem, and clear your conscience from this obsessive act or feeling. If you really care about her the last thing you want to do is push her away. Be her friend like she is being to you. If the girl has real serious intentions about you and not telling you at this time then it could be possible she is testing you. Testing to see if you can give her a real friendship before ever anything serious taking place. If you become forceful or obsessive with her she is going to recognize this and disappear. No one wants a person that tries to control them!!!!

If Only........ that is actually a tough thing to answer! Yes you can simply ask him for the pix back but, there is always that chance he will say he doesn't have them and indeed he may still have them. Definitely don't put a middle person between you both! I personally think u should wait it out until that party you are talking about only because it is a place you both are going and neither of you are breaking the NC that you in place now. This gives you more time to heal as well as your complete absense in his life. I would consider him burning those pix childish on his part. Unless he broke up with you and hated you and his intentions were to hurt you in everyway imaginable then maybe. Otherwise have fate and wait it out. When you meet up in party then casually ask him about the photos. If he does just ask if he could make copies so he can keep any ones he wants which clearly lets him know you aren't out to be revengeful in any way. Good Luck

TECHNICAL SUPPORT...... MAN I really have to say I know what you are talking about here and you are definitely not alone. My obsessive acts are lengthy and would take too much typing to tell you all of it. If you want to hear what I went through I'd be more then happy to share it with you via yahoo IM....... just say the word... But really take EatZ's advice here for he has it all so clear in words what everyone will or can go through during the stages of recovery. Do you know my Ex still can't admit her bf is her bf... She says he is just a friend and we are divorced. My daughter however, tells me the truth and all I can say is WOW I would never reconsider ever seeing myself with her ever again for the simple reason she just can't be honest. I am now healed and moving on. Still have some memories on and off but I keep telling myself life is too short and I don't want to relive it all over again with her knowing what she did to me. And walla that's it all it takes now. I am now engaged to a Filipino. She lives in the Philippines so our distant relationship gives me the time to continue to build my independence as well as get to know her real well before we get married. The distance keeps us away from the physical part of the relationship which is actually a great thing. Sometimes the physical part of the relationship becomes to dependent on early into a relationship and this alone can cause problems. Good Luck to you man.... my ears are open if you need to talk...

Pebek.............. If you are 40 yrs young as your profile sez then we are the same age. I was married for 16 years bro and with my Ex for a total of 21. I can relate to your emotions and the length of time you are into dealing with these emotions already. 5 months is a long time but look on the bright side of things. If you were married like myself and had kids such as I do you could be suffering for much longer for the divorce preceedings really play into your head as well and alot of divorces can drag out for a real long time. I was fortunate that mine only took 1 1/2 yrs to finalize but I can say I was miserable and I mean miserable for the first 8 months. Lost my job from my performance level failing me. I have alot to be greatful for and that is my health, my friends, and my family. TIME is the only thing that heals. There is no simple solution for we are all emotionally effected differently. But really have FATE for your time for healing has already begun. One thing you shall gain from this is you will be a stronger person in life and hopefully you won't ever have to worry about repeating history. I believe if it ever happened to me again in my future I would be able to walk away from it much quicker and not have to worry about my emotions taking control over me because I've learned from this experience that LIFE in reality does go on and can and will be better. GOOD LUCK to you......

BandNerd......... Talking to someone in the right place at the right time hmmmm there is no such thing. There is no secrets to hide here. You aren't in a library where you have to be real quiet Just approach him anywhere and start out by saying hello.... When he responds just tell him you get a feeling he may have interest in getting to know you because of the eye contact you've had with each other. Then if he tries to say something say, "Wait before you answer let me say I'm intereseted in getting to know a little about you. Are you ok with this?" If he responds sure or yes I'd like that. Then set up to meet somewhere, maybe ice cream, diner, donut place...etc.... This sets u both in a better atmosphere where u both will be comfortable..... Hey and if you are tongue twisted or u get nervous just write a little note giving him your phone number and a time to call you letting him know all of what I just said or approach him and set out some humor by saying, If I only had what it takes to say what I want to say right here right now I would but because I am nervous I want to give you a little note to read at your own leisure. Good Luck!