lonelyfriend

Please don't think I'm being the typical fetishist guy, but if you're a little overgrown, do give it a trim first. We're not talking shaved, but neat, short and tidy. Nobody wants to get furballs, and I found that it's much easier to do, and thereforeeee more fun for my partner, if things are in order, let's say David

Apart from being of the opposite sex, I'm in the same boat as you, I'm afraid. My girlfriend (ex, now) still lives with me, though I've told her she needs to move out in the next few weeks. She spends her time sitting in her room flirting with a guy online. We'd been together five years, and like most long-term relationships, we had a few cracks in it. Rather than bothering to try to work on it with me, which I'd have done in a heartbeat, she flies off to the US to meet this guy and get physical with him. I've spent several weeks torturing myself, apologising for my part in the relationships' death, begging her to come back, and now, I've reached a magical point in the healing process - I don't care anymore. Two weeks ago, I would've done anything to stop her seeing him, and get her back. But I realise that after how shabbily she has treated me over this, I wouldn't want her back any more. You won't believe this advice - I certainly didn't believe anything I read two weeks ago - I/We were special/different etc. But now I know we weren't any different to other couples who break up. I know she's going off to meet him again soon, though she hasn't told me that to my face yet. I thought about it for a few minutes, and now find it intensely gratifying that it doesn't actually upset me this time! And you'll get there too. If someone really cares for you the way you care for them, they would understand. So, they don't, thereforeeee. And the time to move on is near for you. You'll find someone you deserve, and you'll be happy with them. And most importantly, they will respect you. I wish you luck - the journey is hard, and lonely, sometimes. But there are plenty of people you don't know who will walk with you when you need them most. You'll know when you get to the end of your journey, and you'll look back on it, and see it was worth it. David

What you say is true. While I've beaten myself up over this for more than a couple of days, something clicked in my head today, which made me realise that even if I want to start again, and she felt the same, things will make life hard for me. Such as: While she no doubt feels betrayed, I think I'll have trouble trusting her in future too. Every time she is on MSN, I'll think she's flirting with a new guy. Every time she goes off on holiday/business without me, I'll think she's off to meet a new guy. After all, why not, she proved she can do that before (For the record, yes, she did lie to me about why she was going). Jealousy isn't something that's worth being proud of, but hey, better than pretending you don't feel it. If she comes back, I will see it that I'm the backup plan - ie she came back because things didn't work out with this guy. And I'm no longer emotionally desperate enough to be able to live with that (I think!). I think I am starting to see that while my personal issues were perhaps a major part of the relationship failing, I'm not the only one that is responsible for its slow death. I think that if I can come to terms with the fact that it's over, and maybe I don't want to restart it as much as perhaps I thought, that it'll be easier for us to live together, and be friends again. I think people are right - it's time for me to move on. David

Hi Everyone, and thanks for your kind replies. mrmaguire: You're quite right in saying that I've learnt, and that the experience has changed me. Regardless of how stupid I feel, and how many things I did wrong, I know now what they were, and not to make those mistakes again. I'd do anything to go back a year, and slap my past self, but.. Thanks for your kind words. Skeeter: Well, having spoken to a few of my friends, they've tried to tell me the same thing, many from the beginning. I didn't want to listen, because I've convinced myself that I could learn to live with it, for the sake of being friends with her. But I am not so sure I can, at least not right now. I find myself being eaten up by jealousy when she's talking to this guy on MSN, and it is making me ill. It keeps me awake at night, it makes me cry, and sometimes I need to get out of the house and walk for an hour or two to come back to being myself. I think I've moved on a few steps, then see her, and it all comes flooding back. I had a small chat with her, and told her what I feel, and that if I can't manage to get over it soon, she'll have to move on. I don't feel nice saying that, and worry that if we did have any chances for the future, that will end them. But I also understand that if she stays, and this keeps eating away at me, we'll end up too angry and upset with each other to have that chance anyway. Rianababe: Yes, you're right too, I'm sad to say. I'm not sure that being in her shoes I'd give myself another chance. But the flip side is that having made these mistakes, and realising how much you care for someone, is that it would make you a better partner to them in the future. (if you had the chance). One thing I have learnt from this is that when you're in a relationship, don't hold back. Had I managed to explain what was going wrong, and work through it together, perhaps it would have been saved. However, either of us could have tried harder, I suppose - we could have talked more and tried to discuss our problems, but we both kind of withdrew into ourselves. I'm not sure it would have been enough - perhaps I needed this shock to realise my feelings for her. Who knows what the future holds. I will try to keep myself busy, and look up some old friends I haven't met for a very long time. One other relationship thing I reckon: If you're mad with the other person, it's easier. If you can find a way to pin some of the blame on them, and feel that at least 50% of it wasn't your fault, it makes you feel better. When you sit and see yourself as the idiot, and just want to make it up, it is worse. Ah well. Thanks for your support, guys and gals - it's greatly appreciated! David

Hey, I'm a bit short on good feelings myself right now. But I can tell you this. You will be happy one day, and you will find that someone special you are waiting for. These words won't seem to mean anything for you right now, but one day, you'll wake up and see the truth. For what it is worth, I'm 23, and have just been dumped by my girlfriend of almost 6 years. And I was never popular when I was your age either. But she changed me completely. Hopefully, when I've got over this a bit more, I'll be able to look back at the time we spent together and just be happy for it, rather than grieve, just as you will. Best wishes! David

Hi everyone, I just feel I need to share with everyone what I feel, even if there's no easy answer (having browsed other threads I feel that there isn't.) I have been in a relationship with a great girl for 5 1/2 years now, since we were both 17. A few things went wrong on my part, which slowly led to the poisoning of our happiness. The first was my addiction to internet porn, which killed our sex life, and made me frustrated with her not looking how I thought I wanted. ie overweight, breasts not large enough. This really began to get to me 1.5 years ago, but I never cared enough to talk about it with her. I think I subconsciously tried to push her away from me, both physically and emotionally, although again, I wasn't a big enough man to discuss my feelings. Eventually, what you would expect happened - she no longer loves me. She says she cares for me as a friend. At first, because we were still living together, although sleeping in different rooms, it didn't really hit me that we were apart - I just got on with things. Then, two weeks later, she went to the USA for two weeks, as I later found, to meet a guy she had got to know online. I sent her some emotional emails explaining what I had done, and how I felt. When she came back, I met her at the airport with some flowers, and a big hug. I knew she got physical with the guy in the states, and managed to accept it. I wonder if she felt the need for some cheap quick love, to make up for the way I had made her feel. We had some tearful chats, (me more tearful than her, both both of us upset), and we ended up getting physical. We both enjoyed it, but she said it felt empty (It was a mistake and I wish I hadn't done it more than anything else - the term she used before hand was 'friends with privileges' - here's one thing I've learnt. As a guy, I thought sex without feelings wouldn't trouble me too much, but it did. That act completely messed me up again, as it obviously meant far more to me than it did for her). I own the house we live in, and she pays me a small-ish rent as she has for the last 8 months. She is in the final year of an MSc course. I discussed with her that perhaps she should move out, as it would simplify my feelings. She said quietly that if I wanted, she would leave. After thinking this over, seeing as I have feelings for her as a friend, how can I simplify my life by throwing her out, without considering the practical difficulties for her? Surely that is what friendship is about - putting other people before yourself. What really cuts me up is that she says that at the moment she wants to be single (which I can understand, as I had been a pretty cruel partner for the last year or two). I can hear her at night chatting to this guy on MSN and voice-over-ip, and know that sometimes she tells him what she feels - I do not know whether she loves him, she just says she needs to be single. I just have this overwhelming desire to know everything she feels, but I have managed so far to resist anything too bad spying-wise. Worst is that seeing her every day, I end up on the emotion rollercoaster. Every time she speaks to me, or touches me, I read that she wants me back, every time I see her crying, I hope she misses me. I've poured out my heart to her for the last four days, crying together, cuddling, and expressing what I did, but at the moment she says nothing can happen. I asked her if she could tell me if the future was closed for us, and she said that honestly, she didn't know. Whether that is her way of saying 'no', I am not sure - I did ask her to tell me the truth, and say no if she meant no. But, who knows.. I keep trying to be strong, and avoid talking to her about how weak I feel. I haven't cried in front of her for the last day or two, but I have kept discussing my feelings. My heart tells me that if I can explain to her how badly I treated her and why, she'll forgive me. She says that she has forgiven me now, but just doesn't feel for me any more. I know if I keep trying to court her right now, that I'll end up pushing her further into the arms of this guy, or at least further away, and eventually I will lose her as a friend. But I just can't seem to control my feelings right now. Now when I look at her, I only feel longing, and realise that if I stop comparing her with pornstars, she's utterly beautiful and dear to me. I try to convince myself to go on holiday for a week or something to get out of here, but I know I will end up spending the time being miserable somewhere else. Any helpful tips? David

I don't want to make my first post on this site and get labelled the 'porn addict'. But I've just been through this, and it was one of the drivers that killed my relationship. I had a 5 1/2 year relationship with a great girl. I'd always had a bit of a thing for porn (yes, the hardcore video type) which I obtained off the net. It slowly poisoned our relationship, even though she didn't mind me having some. I spent my time fantasising about the porn, and being angry for all the things that she wasn't. She wasn't dirty enough, her breasts weren't large enough, she wasn't pretty enough. And our sex life died. She tried to initiate sometimes, and I would turn her down. When I did try it, I did end up with the limp spaghetti, and my confidence failed, which didn't exactly help. I simply didn't fancy her any more. I never managed to face up to this, delete my porn, and try to rekindle things. This led to other problems with my feelings for her - I was permanently angry with her not being what I wanted her to be, and never was able to say anything. I think I even subconsciously tried to make her want to leave me. Eventually, I managed, the emotions she had for me died too. And now, she wants to be just friends. I feel really really bad about this. That my porn addiction wrecked things, that I wasn't man enough to tell her how I felt, and that I subconsciously tried to wreck things, rather than own up. It even got so bad that when she would come to visit for the weekend, I'd be a bit annoyed I couldn't sit and watch my porn in peace. Sad, huh? I have managed to tell her now what I did wrong, and that now when I look at her, I see her as the most beautiful person I know. But it's still likely to be too late. I can't stop wanting her back, but I have to be realistic, I think. So yeah, porn can cause far more pain than you can imagine. David