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a_little_sparrow

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  1. a_little_sparrow
    Is it possible that Laughing Sam actually knows me?! That's funny, yeah, I won't be late. And thanks smallworld, I know a lot of my anxiety comes just from having so much energy and anticipation for her return, and I just need to focus on the positive things that her return will mean. She is such a smart, sensible and caring woman, I should quit fretting so much about what her intentions might be, and simply show her what mine are. And yes, I had flowers in mind. And on Friday I get a haircut because I know she likes the way I look after a clean cut. sparrow
  2. a_little_sparrow
    Hello, so my problem is really not so dire. My gf has been gone to Europe for 6 weeks, and this Sunday she returns. And quite honestly, I'm incredibly nervous. We've emailed back and forth, written some letters, even talked on the phone a few times. In fact, I just got off the phone with her tonight--she just arrived in Chicago, where she was stopping first for a family wedding that is happening this weekend. What makes me nervous is that we were only dating 2 months before she left. Like I've said, there's everything that tells me that she's at least interested in picking things up where we left off. But I guess what I'm interested in is how we do that? Is there anyone out there who has suggestions for how to make this transition from separation to reunion? I guess what makes me most nervous is that when she first left, she was the one initiating most of the communication. And then about halfway through the trip the scale ended up tilting over to my side, where I was the one contacting her most of the time. And then I started to feel as though I wasn't hearing from her as much. When I mentioned something to her she told me that it was because she was just finding more to do there. Which I believe, and can understand. So then I decided to scale back my contacting her. Which has at least balanced things to a degree. And I do feel that she is putting forth some effort to talk with me, I just feel like there might be some tension there from before. Anyway, any suggestions on how to make this reunion something special would be greatly appreciated. I am picking her up from the airport, and I have some ideas. But I'd even like to hear any advice about how to move from separation to together. sparrow
  3. a_little_sparrow
    Hey lauriecat, I"m in the same boat with you, except my gf is away for 6 weeks! I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss her at this moment and every moment. And how sad it is without her around. For most of the 6 weeks she's gone to Europe for this language immersion school. The other two weeks she's going to these family weddings...events I wish I could have been invited to, but we just haven't been dating long enough for me to have been included on any RSVPs. I'll tell you, though, one thing I've done since she left is look at the time for me to work on myself. I've decided I'm going to retake the GREs in the fall, and so I'm diving earnestly into studying for those now, since I have so much extra time to give to it. But other than that, I just wait to see how she'll be able to contact me. And I can assure you it's agony. We have only been dating since the beginning of April, but as soon as we started dating it got very serious very fast. And what I have to do is trust that what we have had is going to be enough to get through these next 5 weeks. (today I just got past the first week) But I can tell you, knownig that she must be into me in some capacity (after all she's contacted me since she's been gone through phone and email), and knowing that I don't have to work so hard to make sure she knows I'm still there feels really good. And lets me see that if we can make it through this type of separation, there will probably be a lot of very happy days in the future when she returns. I hope this helps some. Sparrow.
  4. a_little_sparrow
    To return to the question, I think the guy's pursuit will be matched to his level of interest. But at some point, even the most confident guy has to admit when there doesn't seem to be interest from the other side, and he has to know if it's the right time to walk away, to try finding something else. "He's just not into you" has one set of signals, and then "She's not really interested" has another group of signals that guys have to try to catch. And for all you shy guys out there, listen to what Scout says. Think of something about this woman you're interested in knowing and ask her. If anything's going to happen, it's going to have to start with the two of you talking. And if it makes you nervous to talk with her (believe me, I can have the same problems when it comes to talking to someone I'm really interested in), remember that the chances are REALLY high you're going to meet someone else. And that that someone else will strike your fancy in ways that are both similar and different to this woman. Talking to a woman, and getting rejected by her, is not the end of the world. OK, maybe for a couple hours, but not forever. But more than anything just talk to her and find out if you really like HER. Because you might make the mistake of liking only the person you think she is. Sparrow.
  5. a_little_sparrow
    Hey RayKay, Though it sounds like you have plenty of guy input, I just thought I'd chime in and say he's definitely doing everything right. Not too much and not too little--just right! Best of luck! Sparrow.
  6. a_little_sparrow
    Muneca is always so wise. As a guy, and from everything you've said, he knows that you're interested, and now it's time for him to make the move. And the most important thing I would say to you is don't worry. The more confident you can feel about your future, the more attracitve he's going to find you. And if you have trouble thinking of your bright future, remember that you might meet someone equally as charming and fun as this guy in one of your next semester's classes. Maybe he'll even be there again. Good luck! Sparrow.
  7. a_little_sparrow
    Hey K8tie, I'm like you, where if I feel I'm not getting encouraging signals from someone, it's pretty easy for me to start looking for ways to disengage myself from that attraction. And without feeling as though I were slighted, only that this is the way the other person feels. It happened to me recently, a similar experience to the one you're describing. Mutual group of friends, I asked one out, and she backed out at the last second. I'm not sure if she's totally not interested, but because I'm around her enough, I figure I'll just wait to see if I get any signals that she's interested. As for your situation. I would actually suggest you continue telling him no. And as for do unto others as they would do unto you, I'm not sure how much you really owe this guy. There are women that I feel approach me, in ways that indicate they may be interested in me. I don't think I owe it to each of them to explain, "Look I'm really not interested so just give it up." Of course it's presumptuous for me to assume their interest. But it also just doesn't seem necessary to me, and it puts me in an awkward situation. Ultimately it comes down to a matter of confidence on this guy's part. I"ve felt this rejection from someone that I'm attracted to, and I just had to move on. The bad thing is it doesn't make it any easier for you. You might want to say something more like, "I'm not really interested." if he asks out again. It might send a stronger signal. But I don't think you owe him anything. Hope this helps. Sparrow.
  8. a_little_sparrow
    I don't know, talking three different times in the same day is pretty intense considering you've just been out for drinks with each other. I would definiltely not sweat her not calling back today. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that she calls you back in the next few days. If she doesn't, well, you know she can be flaky, and you can decide if that's something you like or you don't like. If you're still interested, I"m with muneca. Wait a few days and then you can call her back
  9. a_little_sparrow
    Hey WhatInThe First off I'd be careful about how quickly you get into something with this girl, unless you're willing to deal with her being emotionally torn between what she had, and what you might be trying to start. In terms of asking her out. I'm assuming that you guys hang out already. So if you were to say, "Hey let's go out for a movie?" it wouldn't be any different from you asking her to go hang out anyway. If this isn't the case, meaning the two of you don't always hang out outside of school, then you should just ask her to do something, and then see what happens after that. If you do hang out. Then I would suggest the next time you ask her out, you say something like, "Why don't you let me take you out on a date for dinner?" Or some kind of question where you make it clear that you feel you're going out on a date, and not just hanging out as friends. And then when you're out, you pay for things. I really don't think you should say something like, "Would you like to be my girlfriend?" But that's just my impression. Perhaps there are others with different opinions.
  10. a_little_sparrow
    rjoe, I don't see anything at all cheesy about asking her out for dinner as a thank you. The only thing I would be cautious about is going overboard. Make sure you keep it simple, and fun. And as to going over to her house. I'd say wait. When you see her at work next, bring it up. There should be plenty of chances then. But I think going to her house to ask her might seem a little overanxious.
  11. a_little_sparrow
    rjoe, I say definitely ask her out for dinner. And then just see how things go from there. If you guys have been flirting at your job, and she's really interested in you, you'll probably find she's still flirting with you at dinner. Just go with the flow and watch how things unfold. I think you'll have a pretty good idea of how she feels about you as the night goes on. And if you're still unsure by the end of the night about how she feels, just say something about how much fun you had, and that you guys should try going out again. Her response to that should give you a pretty good idea about how she feels. Hope that helps.
  12. a_little_sparrow
    Thanks Muneca for the insight. And, yeah, it's kind of funny. After August I had been coming back to enotalone every once in a while, but I was definitely moving further and further from my last girlfriend, and I think that the "getting back together" forum was associated too much with the hopes I had of getting her back. Then I was sitting here last night, a little anxious about this new woman, and it suddenly occurred to me I could go to one of the other forums on this website. It really is a wonderful place.
  13. a_little_sparrow
    Thanks Ballys. Luckily tenure is not something that stands between us. I'm just doing adjunct work and then she's a grad student doing TA work. So we're pretty much in the same spot. Good luck with your studies!
  14. a_little_sparrow
    It's funny you should bring this up, because one of the conversations that this woman & I had was about how she felt everyone else in our department (of the graduate students) is married, and she didn't understand why these women felt they needed to get married so early. As to normal ages for getting married, my impression is that people on the coasts tend to get married later. But ultimately, I think it's just a matter of when you manage to find the right person--and there's no way really to plan something like that.
  15. a_little_sparrow
    Thanks Lily, I know we'll probably see a lot of each other this coming week. "Stacks of girls"? Not exactly. There are some others, though I think the difficult thing here is to make sure I don't get caught putting all my eggs in one basket.
  16. a_little_sparrow
    Thanks lady, You're right I should probably not read too much into this, especially at this busy point in the semester. But as I'm sure you're aware, it's hard not to make everything mean something when it's at this early point in the dating.
  17. a_little_sparrow
    I have to agree with Scout. I had a similar situation a couple years ago where I was hanging out with this woman A LOT. She would call every weekend, we would go out. And then once I tried telling her how I felt, and she told me she wasn't interested in me in that way. But we still hung out a lot, mainly at her initiation. As Scout said, not making a big deal of these things is her way of letting you know where she's coming from. And avoiding another awkward situation. I would say let the friendship develop. One of my closest friends and I have had to make it through an awkward "are we dating or not" stage. She wanted it to be friends, and I can say that she is one of my best friends now. And though it sounds corny she's one of the really wonderful parts of my life.
  18. a_little_sparrow
    I guess first I should start with some background. We both teach in the same department at a university. For quite a while we've had a flirtation back and forth, even last year when I was dating somene else, we would flirt and laugh. When the semester started, she would come over to my office and talk. At one point telling me that she and her girlfriend are the only single women in the whole department. Suffice it to say, I've felt for a long time we've had some potential, but I've been a little hesitant to proceed. Mainly because she's much younger than me, and in May I got out of a relationship with a woman who was younger than me, and I felt that the age issue was one of the things that split us up. Well, as I've gotten to know this woman, I've realized that, yes, people are different. So, to get to the point. Last weekend I asked her out for coffee and it was really fun. We emailed a little over that weekend, and then she called on Sunday night because we needed to coordinate this thing we were doing together at school the next day. At that point I asked her if I could have her phone number, because I had never gotten it from her when I gave her mine. And she gave it to me. So far everything seems great. Well, then on Thursday I called, with the intention of asking her to a movie for this weekend. I left a voice mail, and then heard nothing from her. The next day I saw her at school, she apologized for not calling me back, and I said it was fine. I'm sure she was busy. And then I asked her in person if she would like to go to a movie. She said, yes it sounds great. And I told her I'd call her later to coordinate. So I called her later that afternoon. Then today she got back to me, and flaked out on the movie, saying that she was too busy with school work to feel comfortable going out. She did ask if we could try going out later in the week, but I told her I was busy every night this week, which is true. So, I guess I'm trying to figure out if she's avoiding me/pushing me away, or if it's just that I'm amplifying every move because I'm finding that I'm more and more interested in her. I'll admit it's maddening, because all I really want is to spend more time with her. But I also know that the next couple weeks are going to be extremely busy for both of us as we wrap up this semester. Thanks for your time. Any insight is greatly appreciated.
  19. a_little_sparrow
    RayKay, It's great to hear that things seem to be going well for you and the ex. Though I have to admit it's more heartening to see that you are seeing to yourself, and keeping your perspective on the future realistic and healthy. I remember reading your story earlier this summer, and thinking perhaps your repeated contact with the ex was going to be painful for you to deal with. But it seems now that everything you've done and are doing with the ex are paying off. It seems like he's trying to figure out exactly what it was that made him ask for the break up in the first place. From my perspective, I think one of the most valuable lessons I've learned from this board is to try and date other people. Not that anyone can do it right away, but it's an important step to take. And it's important to know that it in no way eliminates the chances of getting back with the ex. What it does is give you the chance to see all those things the ex took for granted (and thus broke up with you) are actually some of your real personal assets. And I think it's that that gives the strength for you to say what you did in that last paragraph. I feel the same exact way. I deserve the type of love I'm willing to give. And though I can't completely shake a desire to share that love with my ex, I know there will be someone who I can share it with in the future.
  20. a_little_sparrow
    Wow, S&D! It sounds to me like you handled this situation very well. And the part about letting her have the last word because you had nothing more to say was probably the best way of having a real last word on the matter. If I may say here, I think it was pretty nervy of her to start going through your apartment opening all the cupboards, the way she did when you two first started dating. It just seems like the cruelest type of mixed signal that she could possibly send. From the new subject line, it sounds as though you finally have closure. At least I hope you do. And what's more it's a closure that comes after a long period of self-healing and introspection. You should be happy for yourself, and stronger, and more ready for whatever comes next. And remember there will be something next--there always is.
  21. a_little_sparrow
    onetallulah, I agree with what everyone here has said, and I guess I wonder a few things. If this email you sent him recently included the request to meet so that you could "end things as mature adults," he may feel he has already ended things, and there's no more need to set up closure. I also wonder something else. Do you want to do this closure in person so that you can find out whether you would still want him back? That's the only reason I can see it being necessary to do it in person. Overall, I would say, you let him know you would like to meet in person, and he has avoided it (which seems consistent with his personality that you've described). If he isn't interested in seeing you, but you still feel you have some things you want to get off your chest, I would suggest sending it in a letter, and then being done with it. I had an ex who did that over a year after she had broken up with me, and I really appreciated it. In fact, I feel as though I'm now able to have a civil and warm conversation with her. With little awkwardness. Best of luck.
  22. a_little_sparrow
    Hey K8tie, I think this is part of that whole acceptance thing that comes in the end. And I think why it's so hard to accept the idea that "this person isn't right for me" is because, well you were in a relationship, and you obviously loved this person a lot, and you wouldn't have loved the person and remained with him (or her in my case) if you hadn't thought that he wasn't the right one. I don't know if I'm at that point of acceptance yet. A point where I know I would not want my ex back if she came to me. It could be that it's still a little too soon since the breakup for me to get to that point (it's only been 3 months since the official breakup, we had a month of a break before that though), so as of now I just have to accept that she still has a tender place in my heart. However, what I have tried to do instead is focus on the future. And to be optimistic that what comes next is going to be something beautiful and wonderful, and that I just need to be patient, because it will come. I guess what I wonder is if, by thinking that the ex may be a part of that future, I'm still holding myself back. Part of the progress I feel I'm making is accepting that anything could happen. I could meet someone new, or the ex could change her mind. But then I wonder if allowing the ex as even the slightest possibility is still keeping me tied to an old set of emotions that won't allow me to move on completely.
  23. a_little_sparrow
    I have two things to say about spun's response. First off, I don't think that Mel's way of getting back into contact with her ex is childish. I think the emotions that come into play for the ex are difficult and we all want to know how to deal with them, and to give the ex that space to make a decision that might be in our favor. But I think that spun makes a really good point about the closure and what nc is for. I can say that I went for like 7 weeks dealing with this constant hope that the ex was going to come back. I even told myself at one point that I had pushed myself to a point of admitting she didn't need to come back, I would still be OK. I was lying to myself. Three weeks ago I was out with some mutual friends and she was there, and she made it very clear she wasn't interested in getting back together. And now the heavy duty depression has been kicking in. I feel as though I'm really able to mourn her loss. And there has been some amazing advice I'd read on this board that I'm finally starting to heed. I'm putting myself out there, ready to meet anyone any time. Not that I'm ready to date anyone seriously, but I'm ready to meet someone for light dating, or just to get to know and learn from more human beings. I may be wandering from Melody's topic. What I'm trying to say is that I sincerely hope that her nc hasn't only been for the sake of getting the ex back. I don't think any of us can be sure of that from what she's said. But I would definitely advise that the nc is REALLY used to root out every last feeling tied to the previous relationship. Of course, none of us will quit loving the ex, love is so strange and mysterious that it can't just leave. But our need for that ex's love CAN be rooted out. And that's what nc should be doing. Hope this helps.
  24. a_little_sparrow
    Hello Mel, First off I think it's a good idea to look at the bright side of your situation. Your ex responded to the first email, promptly, as you pointed out. And so you contacting him or him contacting you won't be nearly as big a deal now that there's been some contact. Ideally, of course, he would pick up the ball at this point, and pursue you. And he still might. Yes, it's been three days, and in terms of email it's like an eternity. Maybe he didn't feel like there was anything to respond to in the last email you sent. There's really no telling. And it's probably best not to try and read too much into anything. Especially considering that he's currently interviewing, trying to get a new job. He's probably really stressed about things, and he might need time to put himself together. With that, I think you're probably right not to email, and just give him some time. Time to get through his job search, etc. In the meantime, I'd keep in mind that you waited over three months before reinitiating contact, and hopefully in that time you've found lots of things to keep you occupied and independent, able to let three days, a week, or three weeks pass like a breeze. If he contacts you at this point, great. If not, well you have plenty of practice being alone. Believe me, I know this is easier said than done, but it's at least something to try and keep in mind.
  25. a_little_sparrow
    horrible horrible horrible. So thinking that last night was going to be fun, just a bunch of us hanging out. And it was nice, and I did have fun. But she was also very distant, and trying very hard to not give me the wrong impression. And how do I know this? Because I made one of those horrible phone calls after we had all gone home and decided to talk. I don't know why I did this. I guess I just couldn't stand the distance that she was obviously trying to create between us. In the phone call she made very clear that she has lost feelings for me, and that she even wonders if the attraction was as strong as she first thought. She seems to be thinking now that perhaps she just WANTED to have intense feelings for me, and so thereforeeee she kind of convinced herself that what we had was wonderful, and now she's thinking that it wasn't as great as she first thought. All of this seven weeks after the breakup. I really see no reason for hope anymore. Perhaps this is just showing me that I wasn't really healing, I was just hoping that I could wait for the relationship to come back around. I did tell her the things that I thought I had done to contribute to the breakup. Things that I have been thinking about. And she just said that I shouldn't beat myself up about those things. They weren't the only thing to cause the breakup. I agreed but said that they had something to do with it. I also found out last night that she's now moved into the partying stage. This is one of the things I kind of suspected she would do because she's young (24), and she hadn't really had a partying stage before. This doesn't mean she's seeing other guys at this moment, but considering where she seems to be in disconnecting herself from me, I don't think it will be long. Though she also doesn't seem like much of the dating type. Who knows what she'll find in the near future. And so the hardest process of all: letting go for good.
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