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a_little_sparrow

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  1. a_little_sparrow
    hey monicaa, The red carpet refers to the fact that your ex's friend has been pumping you for pertinent information, like are you dating someone else, etc. Knowledge that would make any phone call of the ex's not seem completely out of place. It sounds to me you're avoiding dating for his benefit. You know, you can not date people just because you don't feel like you're up to it. That's where I am right now. I woud love for my ex to come back. But I'm not avoiding other women becaues of her. I'm doing it because I know I woud be completely miserable on a date. I would be thinking only of the ex and not of this woman I'm with. It's just me being honest with myself. The point being, whatever actions you decide to take, you need to do them for your benefit, not his. Don't avoid dating because you're afraid of what him or his friends might think. If you're going to avoid dating, do it because you don't think you're ready to date right now. You can do other things that help you move on. One thing that came up on this site before was a list of things that would be helpful. One thing that's especially helpful is to make a list of things you've always wanted to do. Even making the list can be fun. And then take one of those challenges on. The other thing that I found helpful is praying. Whether it be a Christian God, or any other higher power, it's often very comforting to me to know I can never have total control. And that God (or whatever higher power you believe in) has my best interest in mind. It helps me to remember it's OK to let go even when every part of me doesn't want to let go. In my opinion, the best thing you can do at this point is try to let go. This doesn't mean you're ruling out your ex coming back to you. Only the waiting FOR HIM that you're doing.
  2. a_little_sparrow
    Hey leftalone, Well, it seems like this kind of crash was going to happen--if only because it was such a wonderful and delicious high. But you're definitely not at square 1. Remember what you talked about this morning. Remember how this is as much a part of you deciding what you want, and having control of the situtation (to a certain extent). Yeah, sure, your guy has a lot to think about over the next two weeks. But you do too. Keep in mind the bitter things and the good things, and make sure you can come to a sensible decision of your own. Or at the very least you can walk away from this with your head held high if that needs to be the case. Personally, I think things are going well. He did email you today. You did have a wonderful time last night. Look at these next two weeks as time for yourself, without expecting anything from him. I don't have much experience with starting a relationship again, but from what people have described on this site, this is part of the slow, we're-getting-to-trust-each-other-again part of things. And all things considered I think you're at a really good place.
  3. a_little_sparrow
    monicaa, I think you need to be careful how much you're reading into what your ex's friend is telling you. Ultimately, what matters is whether your ex actually contacts you or not. And considering the amount of information this friend has discovered from talking with you, the red carpet has been put out. Perhaps an important question to ask yourself is are you not dating because you're waiting for your ex to come back? If that's the case, you're stuck in a bad spot, and you should listen to single@30. Push off, live your life for yourself not him. That doesn't mean your feelings for him will suddnely evaporate. A good friend of mine pointed out that moving on doesn't mean I can't love my ex anymore. That's going to be there no matter what. The important distinction is that I start making decisions for myself only. By breaking up with me, she has asked not to be a part of my life anymore, and I need to respect that decision by being somewhat selfish, and making decisions for myself alone. I hope that helps.
  4. a_little_sparrow
    Hey leftalone, It sounds like the exchange went REALLY well. And I say that not because you were with him all night (which must have been nice) but because you sound so empowered this morning. It sounds like you feel much more in control of the situation. And it sounds like you handled yourself incredibly last night, not pushy, but confident about where you stand. You have every reason to be happy with things at this point. I agree with you. His leaving for two weeks should help a lot for you to sort through things (and him, but he's not here on this board asking for support). As you go through and think about things, remember how you started this thread. After the excitement of your post about last night, I went back through and reread your posts. In the first one, you were unsure of what to think after he'd flip flopped from one week to the next. I'm in no way wanting to dampen what was great about last night. Only help you keep a level perspective. But the fact that HE suggested dinner, and the fact that you accepted an invitation to go back to his apartment for a drink means you've both given each other signs of interest. And now there's two weeks for you both to think about what you want. By the way, did you ever pick up the CD with the pictures? Things definitely look hopeful, just make sure you know what you want.
  5. a_little_sparrow
    hey s&d, I'm not sure if I have a whole lot of insight. But there are a couple things that come to mind. First, there's all this writing that she probably feels she should have ready for you before she speaks with you again. And, yes, she's had time to work on it, but it also seems like one of those writing assignments that a grad student in psychology might go over and over again making sure that she has everything down right. (she is a grad student in psychology right?) The other thing is what muneca said about looking at this as though you're just starting to date. You're starting slowly here. And, this isn't meant to sound harsh, but keep in mind that you have something that you're starting, and she must be considering it seriously. By all means use this site to vent. By all means, if you feel like you can date others, do it. But in the end you know that she knows she should get back to you. And, from everything you've said: she will.
  6. a_little_sparrow
    leftalone, I agree with s&d, though I fear the advice is coming after the fact. Look at it the way you look at seeing him last week at the deli. You say that put you back to square 1. I think talking to him about things, or "us" will put him back to square 1. Yes, the hardest thing is knowing which square the ex is at period. I picked something up from my ex a couple weeks after the breakup, and I went into spilling the beans mode. But I spoke for only ten minutes. And perhaps the most important thing I said that day was that I was learning a lot about what I did that contributed to the breakup. Everything else was probably superfluous, including the bit about how I was leaving the door open. Of course, I'm leaving the door open, I didn't want the breakup in the first place. We're rooting for you leftalone. Let us know how the meeting went. Perhaps the important thing to remember is that all of this is so confusing, and you should be proud of every step you take through this troubling emotional labyrinth. Whatever you did tonight on seeing him, know that you did it because you felt it was the right thing.
  7. a_little_sparrow
    Wow supergirl, there are X's everywhere. I guess the real question is what do you really want? Reading through some of your other posts, it sounds like Adam is dealing with some huge jealousy issues. And from what you've said I'm not sure he's completely healed from the fact that you left him for Earl. This isn't exactly answeing the question you posed here, but it's something I would try to keep in mind. Perhaps the best advice I've received here is that there must be healing before there can be a return to the relationship. He's three weeks out of his last relationship, and we all know how the wounds from any relationship can be a while getting over. Just a word to the wise. As for Earl. I'm always the biggest fan of honesty. Though I recognize it's not absolutely necessary that you tell him you don't want to hang out anymore because you're pursuing Adam. Perhaps the best thing is to start by saying that you don't think you can be friends right now. And then if he presses you for reasons, I would think seriously about telling him about Adam. Mainly because Earl is going to wonder why you're acting this way, and if he indicates a lot of interest in why you are making certain decisions, then it's going to bother him if he only gets the half-truth. If he doesn't press you, then he's really not interested. With this approach, I feel you're giving him the amount of information he ends up telling you he wants. Whatever you decide to do, try to think of how you would like to be treated in this situation. I feel that sometimes when we try to keep the other person from being hurt, we end up hurting them more because they can tell there's something missing from what we say. And that leaves them apprehensive--one of those gnawing types of emotions. Of course, in the end, it's your life. You and Earl are no longer together, so you can decide whether you want to tell him about Adam or not. Hope this helps some.
  8. a_little_sparrow
    muneca, A few times I've seen you make mention of how men will go to any lengths in order to get their ex back, or get any woman for that matter. Which, from experience, I can say is true. Ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no river wide enough so to speak. I guess what I'm wondering is your take when the woman is the dumper. I know it requires patience no matter which gender you are, but I guess a consistent fear I have is that she would want something from me, some indication I was still interested. I told her before starting with no contact that I have left the door open, and I've told myself that if she had the guts to break up with me, she'll have the guts to come back if she has feelings for it. It's so difficult having feelings for her and not being able to show her what I feel. I agree with cassiana, though. If things work out I promise I'll come to this board to let them know of the success. With every day that passes, though, I begin to feel there's less chance of that however.
  9. a_little_sparrow
    brotherD, As you said in your last post there are different ways that each of us cope with the breakup. I'm not sure that going out and finding someone right away is the best response, mainly because it's kind of dishonest to the new person. If you're just using this new person as the penicillin to spoil the infection, you might find yourself very soon in a situation where you have to deal with another person's emotions. That doesn't mean sweetieone should stay at home waiting for that one phone call, and planning how she'll respond to that one phone call. It's great to get out and just see other people, to remind yourself that this isn't the end of the world--after all, there's a whole other world out there. But it's important to be honest with yourself, and I think most people would want to avoid using someone else for the sake of salving some prior relationship that is currently infecting them.
  10. a_little_sparrow
    Well, as a guy I can tell you that I think you've done everything just fine. There's some kind of interest there--what kind you'd know better than me just from having been around him. But it sounds to me like you just need to wait now for him to email you back about whether he'd want to go to pool, or just lunch.
  11. a_little_sparrow
    Hey romantic_sweetheart, Of course everyone has said the right things. I'm right there with you. Each day is a new day--sometimes a new day for hell, sometimes one with hope and direction. Last night I got out of my apartment and went on a group bike ride, and just being outside and being around people I didn't really know felt so good. It let me know there is a future for me beyond my ex. The other thing is I have also relied upon my faith in God, and in whatever mysterious way, I know that there's something good waiting for me in my future. I wish I could know what it is right now, but that's not part of God's plan. And so I just need to sit tight, be thankful for the love that my ex gave me, be thankful for the great fortune I've received so far. But ultimately just exercise patience. And do the sort of things Mahlina suggests.
  12. a_little_sparrow
    To me it sounds like the real question is do you want this guy or not. I think you're right, neither one of you would have had sex if it hadn't felt right. But of course it's going to feel right. You have a history together. I just wonder if what drove you to go on with the sex was the old comfort and tenderness you recognized in being with him. Which is fine. But is this a comfort and tenderness you can see wanting to deepen with time? Or was it for you that last fling? As a guy, and from what you've explained about this guy, I think the emotions are similar on the other side. And from what I can see this is what's so confusing about getting back together with the ex. The history that's there makes the other person desirable, and gives you both a number of reasons to want to get back together. The real question comes up: why didn't the relationship continue to develop? Why did you break up? I think it would be difficult to have sex and then approach these issues if they weren't resolved. Mainly because the old emotions would be what were driving things. Are those old emotions ready to grow again? Or are they going to lead you right back to the point that caused the breakup? These seem to be questions you've left for him to answer. I wonder if you've answered them for yourself.
  13. a_little_sparrow
    Hey skynet, I would strong suggest you read the posts by caveat over in the breaking up forum. He served his ex-gf an ultimatum that she should only contact him if she was willing to admit him as the only man in her life. From what I can see he hasn't given up on her. He also has refused to give up on himself. Here's the link: From what you've said, things still seem so raw. Last week I took a call from an ex about coming over to pick up an old comptuer. It had only been a week and a half since she broke up. Take it from me, it's going to put you back at square one. These problems that cauesd the breakup don't get solved in a matter of weeks. It takes months. Months for you to figure out why you want her, possibly progressing to whether you want her. I know 10 years is a very long time, and I would defer to anyone on this board that has had a very long term relationship like that. It's a long time for love to mature. It's also a long time for issues to develop and become huge sticking points. Whatever caused her to want this break, she needs time to think about it, as do you. She needs to know if she's going to depend on you for things like fixing her computer, you need to be able to depend on her for emotional support. At least at this point. If you decide to go over, BE CAREFUL. You might end up leaving hurt and confused.
  14. a_little_sparrow
    I came accross this recently, it's by the poet Ranier Maria Rilke: "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. And try to love the questions themselves. Do not seek the answers that cannot be given because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." Every day of no contact (and after this recent cave in on the no contact I'm at less than a week) is such a challenge. It's like an ever-revolving question. At times I take hope from what may happen, and at other times I am utterly hopeless. For some reason, this quote just feels so comforting. Indecision is indecision, and it's completely out of my control. And this is all a part of life. At times I want so badly to give up all hope, but then this love in my heart insists that anything is possible, and I can't help but feel the hope return. And from what I can see on this board, this cycle is completely normal. I guess I don't have much of a question, though I'd be interested in seeing responses to the quote, if there are any. Last thing. There was another string where someone mentioned that a breakup happens because of issues on both sides. The last time I spoke with my ex, I mentioned to her that when I left her apartment, after the breakup, I thought, "Oh, she has some major growing to do." And I feared that there would be no growing on my part. In the weeks since then, I'm realizing there's any number of ways that I'm growing from this. And that I was as much a cause for the breakup as she was. I mentioned this the last time I saw her--I could see she agreed, but I fear everything I said was just too late. All of that to say, I have no idea what question I'm asking myself, nor what answer I'll receive. But I can continue to ask myself difficult questions, and hope at some point down the road I'll find some sort of answer.
  15. a_little_sparrow
    I have to say reading brandell's post scares me. I also live only 5 minutes from my ex. On top of that we will be seeing each other in the fall, guaranteed. She's in a graduate program, and I'm on the staff with that graduate program (not faculty, just staff). And I guess what scares me so much about brandell's post is the hopelessness in it. I realize there has to be a moment when we all accept that the ex is just that, an ex. He or she has asked for this change, and we have been forced to accept it. In most cases unwillingly. And while we hope that something may come up in the future, we all face this need to finally accept this change. Even while we still deal with these very strong emotions toward the other person. I guess I would suggest a couple more optimistic takes on what happened. First, like fmfisdead, you can't assume that she's thinking of some other boyfriend, or how her life is absolutely perfect since leaving you. The key to no contact is getting out of the ex's mind, and walking away from the overanalyzing. This might be one of the best days she's had since the breakup, and she was happy about that. You can at least think it's something related to a change she's noticed in herself that she's glad about. One other little thing, though, is you have no idea how she would react if she saw you. More important is for you, I think you shouldn't be put back to square 1. Think about the changes you've gone through in the past 5 weeks. Think about what you've learned about yourself, how you can be independent, confident in who you are, capable of looking toward the future with some optimism. Yes, seeing her is REALLY upsetting, and those emotions are going to be there. I guess what I'm saying is it shouldn't take another 5 weeks to get you back to where you were before you saw her. It's perfectly normal to have a strong reaction on seeing someone you had such strong emotions for. Now just think of the person you've become, and try leaning on that.
  16. a_little_sparrow
    Maybe a little more information would be helpful. When did you go to coffee with him? Are you conflicted about whether you should call him or not? Or just conflicted about the fact that he's feeling bad?
  17. a_little_sparrow
    Thanks to both of you. cbfan, I think you're pointing to that delicate balance between honesty and tact. And yes, I totally agree that this is the time to quit telling and just walking away. Even today, which started horribly, got better as I started to see this vast space and time for myself that I can use. I had this key moment when I realized that leaving the door open doesn't mean I need to stand there waiting for her to come to me. I can go off and do other things. I have plenty of things that I want to do, and have been looking forward to doing all summer long. Will she be back? There's no telling. I miss her, and I'm concerned for her. I know there was a connection there, and I would like the connection back. I know she has issues to deal with, and as I told her I'm dealing with issues myself. But it's only time that will tell. And right now I'm fairly content with that. I told her everything I needed to tell her. I've planted the seed, and we'll see what happens after that. Meanwhile, there is a life to lead.
  18. a_little_sparrow
    What kmboyer has said is really interesting. One thing I've been so scared of when reading replies to my own post as well as other posts on the site is this whole, "Let go of her." And I think, "But if I let go of her then that means it's all over." I'm starting to figure out that's not completely the case. Letting go means that I'm concentrating on myself, figuring out what I want. It doesn't mean that I've given up on my ex and I getting back together at some point. It means that I've done everything I can to let her know how I feel, and what I would like. She knows the door is open, but she has to decide on her own to come through it. Fletch, I think kmboyer's suggestion is really good. If you use the letter to explain to her how you feel, she will have to decide what she wants after that. You can't force her to do anything. There was undeniably a chemistry between you, otherwise you wouldn't have been together for so long. Also keep in mind that this anger actually indicates a very strong emotion she has toward you. Let her work through it and she might realize that the anger was just a disheveled love. No guarantee--but I think it's better that she's angry than ambivalent.
  19. a_little_sparrow
    Capitan, I have to second redsuede. No contact at this point is the best thing possible. I just had my ex email me a week and a half after the breakup asking me to come over and get an old computer. "Great" I think "She's thinking of me" Think again. I went over there to get the computer and basically reenacted the whole breakup. I know what you mean about wanting to leave the door open. I've told my ex the same. But what I've realized is that it's possible to leave the door open, but you don't necessarily have to be standing at the door waiting for her to come through it again. No contact gives you the space, and as people mention on this board all the time: no contact needs to be measured in months, not weeks, and particularly not days. So to answer your question, I don't think you're on step 2 yet (I know which post you're referring to). I think actually you're at the hardest part of step 1. How much contact do you keep with her while still remaining honest with yourself and your feelings. My suggestion is that you set up some time in the future, maybe a month from now, that the two of you decide to get together and talk about the relationship. And then use the time to think for yourself about what's good about what you have, and what's bad. One last little bit of advice here. Be extremely honest with yourself about how you feel toward her. Over the course of my current breakup my ex & I had a break where I was giving her time and space. During that time I couldn't be honest with my feelings about the relationship because I thought for some reason I would be unfaithful to her. I had gone through and told her how much I loved and respected her, and I had to keep that up, I thought. WRONG. She asked for the break, she indicated that she has problems with the relationship. What do you think those problems are? Is she right? Is she right for you? All of these are such hard questions to answer. But in answering them it doesn't mean you are closing the door on her. It means you're deciding whether it's right to hold the door open. It also means you'll be ready to close the door if that's the decision you finally come to. Hope that helps.
  20. a_little_sparrow
    Well, for Bostonchiica I'm going to chime in a more positive note. I think it's great that she's finding more confidence in herself, and in how she feels about her looks. It's a much better state of mind to be in for dealing with all the horrible emotions that go with a break up. The thing I think everyone else here is saying is basically what gets said all over this board. A mantra I'm learning. No contact is for your benefit, not the ex's. The same I think goes to a healthy attitude. And I'd say that it's not only going to be the ex that notices you, it's going to be the guys at the grocery store, at the park. And that should feel really good.
  21. a_little_sparrow
    K8tie has a really good point. The friends shouldn't judge her decision they should listen to the reasons for her decision. And besides it's perfectly normal to have said hurtful things about someone's ex when they're breaking up, to try to make it easier. Though from personal experience I've found, as the friend, that if the person gets back with the ex, you suddenly have to do some fancy foot work to get around what you've said. This bit of advice may not help a lot right now, but when I'm talking a friend through a breakup I spend a lot more time listening and asking questions so that the person can find for themselves what they are thinking.
  22. a_little_sparrow
    Thanks kate. In a way it is unfortunate she's not moving to another city (it WOULD be easier to forget her), she's leaving to visit home for a few weeks. In fact, I'll be working with her during the next school year. Alas. Yes strength. And yes, I'm a full convert now to the no contact for my benefit--not for mind games in her direction. Before she emailed about this computer I could feel myself making some progress. Perhaps the best thing about this computer thing was that it made me think more and more about the relationship and why this break up is a good thing for me. And I have to admit, because I care for her, I suspect it will be good for her. And yes, nice things. I went and played tennis tonight. Thanks to everyone for the advice.
  23. a_little_sparrow
    OK so I can see what everyone was saying about feeling like I'm back at sqaure 1. And I opened my mouth way too much, I'm sure. I told her the door was still open, and she said I shouldn't leave the door open forever, to the point that I don't move on with my life. Which is definitely not something that I have intended to do. It's just very difficult hearing all of this. And basically I feel as though I have no more reason to hope things will work out. Yes, I realize that God works in mysterious ways. But I feel right now I was little more than an 8 month rebound relationship for her. And that there's little to no hope of her ever wanting to come back. She said she is feeling much more settled with her decision, and that she thinks it came at the right time. I said all I can do is be honest with my emotions, and I know right now the door is open, but I can't tell her how long that will be. Because I'm not really interested in waiting forever. I told her I am glad she's leaving town because I need some distance myself from this whole thing. And so no contact begins in earnest. As does the woe.
  24. a_little_sparrow
    I agree with AB38, especially at this point. If you're using no contact because you are having problems dealing with her, then definitely stick to it. If you're just using it to make her more intereted, I think it might help to drop her a line that will keep her interested.
  25. a_little_sparrow
    So today I'm going over to pick up the computer, and I've been a nervous wreck all last night and today. So bad, in fact, that I called her last night to tell her that I felt awkward about coming over to pick up the computer. I know this doesn't help in the department of making her feel as though I'm that confident guy she met at the beginning, but I do feel it introduces a level of honesty to the whole situation. I told her that I was just surprised she had called so soon after the breakup and she said, "Well I figure it's best if we can start dealing with each other for things that aren't so big of a deal." A comment I'm not taking as positive or negative, just one that says she would like to keep contact in some way. Yet, what I'm most happy about is that she's leaving town for a few weeks, and I won't have to worry about running into her. And I guess what I'm seeing most is that in order for anything to happen, even between us at some future date, I have to go through a process of letting go. Or at least getting some major distance from the breakup. The breakup is painful, and going to see her is going to be painful. I still don't plan on being mushy or anything--no begging. Yet I do think I'm going to acknowledge to her that I can see this breakup had to happen. It's admittedly sad and hard to go through, but I can see that she and I are growing as individuals--a type of growth that could really help with anything in the future. Whether it means another version of "us" or it means we are going our separate ways.
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