The Capitan

Thanks for the reply, Ash. I know you are right about this, and I agree with you that this is probably right for her to do now, but I still can't help but feel hurt and have doubts. I feel as though I am handling this the best I can so far to keep my future options open with her, but at the same time she is telling me to call her she sends me a letter explaining that right now having space and being with her friends is the most important thing in her life -- it is a completely mixed message. I kind of want to tell her, considering she has asked me twice to call her sometime, that I am not calling her because she is the one who wanted the space (not tell her like that exactly, but the same gist) -- this is probably a bad idea though, huh? I am just trying to tread that super fine line of being upbeat, relaxed, fun, non-serious, confident, getting on with my life vibe while not sending a discouraging message to her, especially right now, because I definitely want to be in a good situation when she moves out of her college situation (but then again, I don't want to be the fish on the end of the hook that she can pull back any time by asking to call -- I think that that could have deleterious consequences as well, no?). Advice?!?!

Thanks for the reply...my gut reaction was to contact her -- not immediately, but maybe in a few days. So today, I receive 2 forms of contact from her, one being an email this morning and the other being a birthdaycard/letter (written before I emailed this past friday and before the phone call). The email was upbeat, asking me all about what I did on my birthday and such, and at the end reiterated that I should "call (her) sometime!" Then the letter...basically, condensed, it said everything I had figured out a month ago about her feelings which, at that time, lead me to say that we should take time apart from each other. She stated that she let things run away in her head that things were getting too serious and she was feeling claustrophobic, that she is 21 and I am, wow, now 26 by 1 day, and that right now is the time for her to have fun before having to be serious, the time for her to experience different things and make mistakes, and to imagine what it would be like to have the feelings I have now at 21 in the situation at the end of college that she is in. She said that right now she is allowing herself to have more fun than she has ever had, and that the most important thing to her is to "be with her friends before they all leave this place". She wrote she can't tell me how long this will take and that she can't predict how she will feel in the future...but that she does love me, think about me, and misses me, and that "every day" she thinks about what I have given to her (this space right now), and how amazing it is that I did that...that she never wanted to hurt me and that she can only hope that I can forgive her. Man, even though I knew most of this, I was feeling good after the phone convo and the email, and reading this brought me way down. I guess this doesn't have to be taken in a bad way, and when she graduates in less than a month and moves back home, things will be very different for her, but I don't know if I can think that way... I almost feel as if I am getting mixed messages. She knew what she wrote and that I would be receiving it, and it also seems that hearing my voice again after 2 weeks and having a good conversation may have sparked some feelings of missing me in her...I don't know. What to do now? I feel I need to keep contact, and even perhaps more frequently now that I think she may be missing me a little after the phone call (not to mention her 2x request). I don't want to loose that by giving being too stand-offish. Do you think she is just trying to have it both ways right now? I don't know... Advice..anyone..please!!!

I would agree...sounds like he is having a moderate depressive episode. You said that he has had these before -- how often? Does he cycle, meaning does he have periods of depression at times and at other times periods of extreme happiness and excitment? Had he ever seen anyone for depression? Does he have any problems that might be leading to this depression -- for example: medical problems, drug/alcohol use/abuse, other major life events? Does he have a family history of and psych problems? Sorry to ask all of these questions, but by his actions, he sounds depressed, and dropping out of the relationship sounds like it could very well be just part of this depression... He definitely may need a little extra looking out for right now...

So its my birthday today and my ex calls (its been one month since she wanted to be "care-free" at the end of college after 2 years of long distance). We have not spoken on the phone in 2 weeks, and I just emailed her back from an email she wrote me a week ago. I have not called her once this entire time, and she has called me about 4 times (but as I said, none recently). So, she tells me happy birthday, then there is kind of a lull in the conversation, then I try to pick it up and be happy and excited and she starts to tell me about what a wonderful amazing time she is having at the end of college -- how its like "summer camp"...how basically all the girls she is living with have broke up with their long term boyfriends and are all hooking up with other people in this group of guys that they are all hanging out with (of course didn't mention herself, but can't help but let my mind wander a little on that one). So, I laugh, tell her it sounds awesome, tell her its great to hear she is having a great time..tell her very briefly and in not much detail about things going on in my life (fairly boring, actually -- perhaps the reason for lack of detail Talked a little about her family, jobs she is looking for in the summer...she also tells me she stayed in last night and had a long girl talk with one of her friends who is having issues with her break up and new hook up...anyway, I keep it light and fun, feeling that the conversation got progressively better but that it really seems like we are in two different worlds right now -- feel very disconnected from her, which is hard on conversation and it something that I hate..So at the end, I couldn't help but say thanks for calling and it was nice to talk to her, and she responded with the same, then said that I should "really give (her) a call sometime"...I said I would, she said to enjoy the rest of my birthday and then, lightly, I said bye and hope to talk to her soon. I have tried not to contact her, but not that she said that to me, maybe I should in a little while? I still get screwed up a little after I talk to her, but maybe it is better if she could hear my voice more..I don't know. She sounds really happy...one more month till her graduation...maybe I should just follow my gut on this one...advice pleeease. This hurts so much...

Very scary..my situation is very, very similar...going out for just over 2 years, things were going very well when suddenly she realized it was the end of college, got scared (or so it seems) and needed to "be sure" and pretty much asked for space. Wow. I can only say that my hope is exactly the same as yours...after college, after she leaves the party and moves back home, hopfully things will be realized a little differently, but until then I just am trying to plan for the worst. But hope is there -- she has called and emailed a few times, and we are in sporadic contact like that, so it definitely can happen...I would still say to try to plan for the worst, though, because if nothing else you will either be prepared or pleasently surprised. Of course, saying this is one thing, doing it is quite another feat entirely...I am definitely there with you man..this sucks..

Hey there everyone - my first post, but have been reading many of the others and this website is absolutely amazing. Ok, a quick version of the story (background info, true question at bottom)...I am 25 and had been together with my girlfriend (21) for about 2 years (minus 3 months during which we took a break under different circumstances). This is a long distance relationship, but always has been (pretty amazing for 2 years). She lives approximately 5-6hrs. away at college and I am currently a 3rd year medical student. Over the past few months we have had a couple of brief rough spots, but it general, we really do not fight and get along very well. About 2 months ago for the first time, I started to hear the occaisional comment over the phone and in person about "haven't you ever thought about other people", etc. Well, two weeks ago, she came to visit me after a week of spring break with her friends down in Nassau, and we had an absolutely amazing time...one of the best weekends yet. I also asked her that weekend about where she was planning to apply to grad schools so that I can think about where I am applying for residency and such..just to think about it - she didn't seem to have any problem with that. Then she went back up to school, and two days later I feel that there is something wrong, ask to talk, and she says that she loves me, loves our relationship, her parents love me, I get along with her friends, but that she realizes that college is almost ending and that she is having so much fun at school...she doesn't want to break up or anything, but she wants to be as 'carefree' as possible..maybe an 'open' relationship? She says she doesn't know why she feels that way...So I call her a little later with tons of questions and concerns, but then say that if she wants this, than we will take it day by day...and of course, for the next 3 days I ended up smothering her with emails, texts, calls, letters..but luckily I realized it. She then called me up, said she wanted to talk (pretty much knew she was going to ask to break up), so I told her how her comments had been so sudden to me (after the last weekend), told her I was smothering her and apologized, and suggested that we not talk for a little while while thinking about our relationship. She agreed, but I knew what she really needed...two days later I called and said that if she space, needed time for her life right now (be young and carefree, etc...even though I am still struggling with this), then we should free from each other for a little while and if she wants, she knows I'm here. She thanked me for being so understanding, and after a little I got off the phone...subsequently received an email stating how "amazing I am", and "thank you, love her". So, my plan was no contact (in hopes to keep the door open for the future, b/c I truly love her very much, and she knows it)..very difficult considering that the entire time, that is all that was tying us together over the distance...and even worse considering her current overwhelming, abounding social situation at the end of college that is so distracting (good for her)...anyway, tonight, two days later, she calls my cell (I am not there) and a little later my home, just to talk a little. I am curtious, tell a little about my day, ask her about hers, but then end the conversation because I had to go eat...so question is: it already seems like I am on 'step 2' -- or am I? should I just continue like I am, not calling or emailing her and letting her call me, or should I be more strict about it? Don't get me wrong, I live for her phone calls, but I need to figure out what is going to be most positive for the relationship in the long run... Sorry so long..just wanted to give all the background..thanks again everyone...